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Mixed messages from a friend


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I have been friends with a guy for just over 6 months now. (We met in August of last year).

We hit it off straight away and got on really well and quickly started hanging out just the two of us at least once a week.

After about a month we admitted to having feelings for each other and talked about starting a relationship, but he decided it was best for us to stay friends as he has a lot of emotional baggage and trust issues due to being hurt in a couple of previous relationships. He also suffers with anxiety and felt that he was currently the happiest he had been in a while and that was due to being single and putting himself first.


Just after a week later we went out drinking, got a bit drunk and spent the whole evening kissing. He wanted us to go back to his place but I wouldn’t because it was the wrong time of the month so he walked me home and we were texting saying how happy we were about what had happened. The next day he freaked out about what had happened and went to spend the weekend with friends. He came back on the Monday and said he had fun but still thought it was best for us to stay friends.


At the start of October we went away for a weekend as friends. Slept in the same bed but nothing happened. I tried to kiss him one evening and he said he didn’t feel that way about me, I had misread previous situations.


Another week later we are out drinking again, he said he now trusted my feelings for him and that until then he had been worried I would use him to get back as my ex or go back to my ex. I said “so what you said last weekend was rubbish then?” He said yes, that his head is a complicated place. We started kissing again and this time I went back to his. We did everything but sleep together. I assumed this meant we were now together but he then started ignoring my texts. When I asked him why he said it is because we were never going to be in a relationship and that was the only way I would get the message, if he was horrible to me.


The first weekend of November we went out clubbing. We went to sit down at one point and were sat cuddled up holding hands. He said how it was making his night better having me there, how we were having a nice moment and he didn’t understand the connection we have. I ended up going back to his again and we were laying in bed in our underwear with our arms and legs wrapped round each other. He said he wanted to throw away the rule book, not put a label on things and do what felt right at the time, and at that time it felt right for us to be there like that.


Another couple of weeks later we went clubbing again. I went back to his again and he was laying on the sofa with his head in my lap holding my hand saying did I think we met for a reason and that we were supposed to meet. We went up to bed, cuddled up and he said I was making him really horny so we all but slept together again.


We went out with some of his friends in December and because his friend had seen us out together a couple of times he assumed we were a couple. He was asking questions about how we met, who approached who first, and he never corrected him.


A week before Xmas I picked him up from his work do and as soon as we got back to his he was all over me, but stopped short of full sex.


In January he came to mine for drinks, stayed over and when we went to bed things got physical again. He lost his etection which is why things have stopped a couple of times before and he admitted he had only been able to have sex once in the last year.


In February we had another weekend away And we had a really fun time. When we got back to the hotel from the club he started kissing me and he whispered to me that he loves me. We then ended up having full sex.


The next day all was fine, I drive him home. This was almost 3 weeks ago and I haven’t seen him since. He has been replying to texts but saying he always has other stuff going on. I called him out on it last Friday and he got nasty saying we will never be together, he doesn’t want to be together, he didn’t say he loves me, he doesn’t want sex with me etc.


What is going on? Is he just totally scarred from being hurt? We get on so well usually (up until now we would hang out a couple of times a week) and it is not always me initiating physical stuff. I feel like he does care about me and want to be with me and when he has a few drinks he lets his guard down. Then the next day he freaks out and pushes me away. Or is he just a selfish idiot who uses me when he has a few drinks? What do I do? I am completely in love with him and don’t want to lose his friendship if that is all I can have, but I would love to think eventually he will be in the right head space to give a relationship a try.

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It just amazes me how much women will put up with. This guy is showing hints of all sorts of psychological problems. Anxiety. Depression. Bi-Polar. He may be on meds. He can't get it up most of the time. And something like this isn't going to get better with time. Most of the time, these kinds of relationships just get weirder.


Forget about having a relationship with this guy and look for someone more "normal." He's just going to cause you a lot of heartache. There's nothing you can do to "fix" him.

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