mazeeb Posted March 1, 2018 Share Posted March 1, 2018 Just a quick disclaimer that this is quite a long and complicated story, so apologies there. I met my girlfriend almost exactly a year ago in March 2017. We met on a dating app, and from the first date, we both knew we were really keen on each other. However, within the first few weeks of us seeing each other, my best friend suddenly dies due to cancer. For a few months, I was really depressed, but my gf stuck by me, even though she had only just met me. She supported me a lot during that period, and I don't know how I could've got through it all without her. Everything about our relationship is fantastic; the sex is 10/10 every time, we both get on with each others parents, we have a lot of fun together and we both know that we can rely on the other person for help if something bad happens. I attend her graduation (she's a recently qualified nurse, 22 years old, I'm a 25 year old scientist), meet her parents, she spends a lot of time with me and my family (I'm living at home, she's renting in a nearby town whilst working). We go on our first holiday together in October, and we have an amazing time together. A couple months before that (August 2017) she brings up the idea of me and her moving in together - I tell her I'd love to, as soon as I get a new job closer to home (at the time, I was commuting 1hr to work, and wanted to get a different job anyway) and once her tenancy runs out in Summer 2018. This January, I get offered this really great opportunity to do an industrial PhD, working for a nearby company & university - both of which are within a few miles of where I live, my girlfriend lives, and where her job is located. It seems like everything has worked out perfectly; me and my gf are now actively looking at places to live nearby, trying to work out what we can afford, and even talking about getting a dog as recently as mid-Feb. We're looking at what festivals to go to in the summer, and she suggests I sign up for a charity run to raise money for her hospice. However, I started to notice a change in her behaviour around September last year. It begun when she moved into her new house. She ended up in shared accommodation with a load of collage students she doesn't even know. As a nurse, she has to work long and unsociable hours, often having to get up at 5:30am for her early shifts. Her housemates aren't exactly party animals, but they're loud and often make noise until the early hours - which means that my gf has to go to work with only 3 or 4 hours sleep. She tries talking to them about it on several occasions, but they don't seem to realise how badly they're affecting her. The tiredness starts affecting her mental health, and she's frequently having these migraines which render her unable to do her job at times. Before she moved into this house, she'd rarely have migraines (maybe 1 every 3 months) but the longer she's lived in that house, the more migraines she gets, and the more severe they are. In the build-up to Christmas, I'm letting her sleep at my house when she needs to, just so she can get enough sleep to do her job. Just before Christmas, she gets offered a promotion at the hospice she works at. It's a fantastic opportunity (big pay rise, much more responsibility, essentially her dream job) especially for such a young nurse. Obviously, she accepts the promotion. Unfortunately, she's been taking part in a 12 month grad scheme since she's finished her nursing degree. The people in charge of the scheme are really annoyed that she's going to leave the scheme before it's been completed, and she gets caught up in a political dispute between the hospice and her employers. They try and force her to finish her 12 month grad scheme (even though there's nothing in her contract which says she has to) and she gets treated as a scapegoat by both the hospice and the third party involved. Things escalate, she speaks to her union, lawyers get involved, and the whole thing turns into a huge mess. This continues on throughout January and February, and it seems to be the last straw for her, and she seems to reach breaking point in mid February. A couple weeks ago, she tells my family at the dinner table that she doesn't even know if she wants to be a nurse anymore, she seems completely exhausted all the time, and she seems really dissociated from what's going on around her. By this point, I'm seriously worried about her. I take her out for a belated valentines day meal (she was working night shifts all week) on Sunday 18th, and as soon as we've finished eating, she asks me to take her home, and asks if she can have a nap and fall asleep on my chest. She seems mentally and physically exhausted. By this point in our relationship, I'm feeling like all I do is take care of her when I see her. I don't mind; she was there for me through a difficult time, and I'm just doing the same, you know? Anyway, a few days later, we're still speaking, but I sense that something is up. She's barely replying. Then, out of the blue, she texts me "Hey, I've had to call in sick for two days, I really don't feel great. You know everything that's been going on- well I've been thinking a lot, Can you come over, we need to talk x". I drive over there straight away. She opens the door, barely even looks at me. She's got huge bags under her eyes, looks like she's been crying for hours. I've never seen her this bad. She gets into her bed, and tells me she's been having a massive migraine for the past 3 days. She's been sent home from work, and her best friend drags her to the doctors. She's been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, they want to see her the next day, and she's been signed off work for the next 2 weeks. Then, she tells me (whilst she's staring at the wall in front of her, shaking, with tears rolling down her face) that she "doesnt like me as much as I like her", that she "thought she'd like more more than she does by this point in our relationship" and that she's been "using me and my family as an emotional crutch for the past 2 months" - and that we need to break up. I'm absolutely stunned; this is the first time she's ever said anything like this. She starts talking about leaving her job, moving back home with her parents (which is like a 5 hour drive away). I tell her that this all seems very rash and sudden, and that I think we should give each other some time and space before rushing into such a big decision. She shakes her head frantically, telling me that we "need to break up NOW" and that she's made her mind up. She tells me that none of this is fair on me. I ask her if there's anything I've done wrong, or anything I could've done differently. She tells me that she can't think of anything, that she doesn't know why she feels like this, and that I've done more than enough for her over the past few months. Once again, she tells me this isn't fair on me. She also tells me that it would've all gone wrong if we'd moved in together, and that I'm better off staying at home whilst I work/study, rather than wasting any more of my time and money on her. She then leaves the room to be sick. We sit in her bed in silence for what feels like forever. I extend my hands out, and she holds them and squeezes them with hers. I ask her if there's anyone else; for the first time, she looks me in the eye, and tells me that there's never been anyone else, and that it's always been "about me". She then jokes that she wouldn't even have had time to see anyone else with all her shifts at work. I thank her for being there for me when my best friend died, and I start crying. She's crying too, and she thanks me for being there for her over the past few months, and that I've "done more than what any girlfriend would expect from a boyfriend" - she then scorns herself for feeling this way. She tells me that one day, she'd like for us to be friends again, and that she cares for me a lot. She then tells me that she wants to be alone now. So I get up, and she walks up to me, and we give each other this massive hug. We're both squeezing each other really tightly, quietly crying. She runs her hands through my hair and down my face, and kisses me on the forehead and cheek. I ask her if I think we should kiss. She nods. We kiss for the last time, I tell her that all I care about is for her to get better, and then I leave. I was barely in there for 45 minutes, and most of that was spent sat in silence. This was 8 days ago. I've been reflecting on what happened for the past few days, and I'm still struggling to make sense of it all. I dont think the break-up was pre-meditated, it seems to have been a knee-jerk reaction to her mental breakdown. She's never complained of anything during our relationship, we've never had any serious arguments, the only thing that's really changed is her mental state. I'm really worried about her, but obviously, I don't know what I can even do anymore. I find it hard to believe what she was saying (i.e. about her feelings for me, about her using me for months) because it contradicts everything that's happened before her breakdown. I've spoke to a lot of friends and family about this. The vast majority think that she's just pushing me away because she feels guilty that she's dragging me down with her mental health problems. I've not really contacted her at all since this has happened; my only thought has been to write a letter to her telling her how I feel. This is my first post in a forum; I'd really appreciate hearing what you guys think. Once again, apologies at how long this is. Link to comment
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