Slept with my ex-boyfriend once. Any chance of getting him back.

[Hollyj]

Just prior to the breakup he had been depressed and stressed. In fact he said his biggest worry was being able to do for me and that he didn't want to be a burden to me. Almost immediately after the breakup he caught what urgent care called a stomach bug. Next, his recently-diagnosed diabetes (most people don't know he's diabetic) acted up and he ended up with extremely high blood sugar, dehydration, and even had problems walking. I suspected something was wrong when I didn't see him online as often, so I asked him mother how he was and she asked me to check on him. When my daughter talked to him on our way over, and when we saw him, it was evident he needed medical attention. My goal was to get him to the hospital right away, but I kept in touch with his mother (who lives several states away and was caught in a snowstorm) as well as local relatives (who ended up coming to visit him). I even kept his youngest child's mother apprised of his condition. She came to visit from a neighboring state with the child and it was evident that he wanted to make sure I was there to meet her (I had met the child before, but the mother didn't know that). He's used to being healthy and had never been in the hospital, and he's very much like his father (his idol) who also lives several states away and tends to keep to himself/not ask for help despite him being very social (my ex, that is). His parents are divorced.

 

That's scary. It's good that you were there.

[sunshineten]

That's scary. It's good that you were there.

 

Thank you. He reiterated what his father told me, "Thank you for being you."

[SweetGirl28]

I sincerely wish you luck because by you going NC and uninstalling fb it means there's a part of you that feels this isn't right and you're trying to move on a bit. It's really hard when you try and that text or call shows up on your phone.

Then you ponder whether to reply or not. I just got a set back from doing that for the past three months.

I'm praying I find the strength to stay NC, it's been three months since he got back in touch and none was initiated by me. And now it's been three days since last contact, and I decided I just need to be thankful for the time I had with him, and close that door because if it still hurts, it's not meant to be a friendship at this time.

Men who don't want to commit but still want you around won't be willing to commit probably ever.

What I've learned is that if they are not willing to lose you, they will do all they can to get over their issues to keep you

before letting some other guy sweep you up and take you away. Mine has trust/commitment issues but guess what I can guarantee if a woman he sees of high value comes along, he's going to commit fast. It's really hard to repair a relationship once it's ended. Not impossible, so I do wish you the best. Just be careful with your own heart.

[sunshineten]

Thank you and I understand what you're saying, but he admitted to me that commitment has always been his problem. I don't pretend that I can make him change, but I think him actually admitting that to me (when he claimed early on in our relationship that he'd like to be married one day), is a start to perhaps healing HIMSELF. He's not getting any younger and in fact this move he plans to make will probably be more of a burden to his relatives than a help. His mother told me that he cannot put his life on hold by leaving town to "help", but once he's made up his mind about something it's hard to change it.

 

I wish you the best as well.

[sunshineten]

I believe this is my situation, John Gray's rubber band theory. http://www.lovegevity.university/?John_Gray3a Gray mentions some things that my ex has expressed, like being a good provider (he's explicitly said he's a bad one) or me finding someone to make me happy (said this) because he's questioning whether he can do so (implied this). According to this theory, the man comes back, and also just like the theory this happened right around the 1 year mark with us (10 months).

[sunshineten]

This also sums up my situation: https://www.marsvenus.com/blog/lauren-gray/hes-threatened-by-my-success-what-gives

[MissCanuck]

Rubber-band theory or not, this is not a man who is going to be good relationship material for you.

 

When someone actually tells you they don't love you, you need to believe them.

[sunshineten]

Rubber-band theory or not, this is not a man who is going to be good relationship material for you.

 

When someone actually tells you they don't love you, you need to believe them.

 

It’s not that I don’t believe him. If you look at the second link that I posted, she talks about how someone’s love can be drowned by the fact that they feel threatened by the other person. All this is just to say that I know that he still cares and he still wants me in his life, however it’s up to him to realize that he actually needs me in his life. So for that reason, I’m not giving up hope yet, but I’m still living my life.

[MissCanuck]

It’s not that I don’t believe him. If you look at the second link that I posted, she talks about how someone’s love can be drowned by the fact that they feel threatened by the other person. All this is just to say that I know that he still cares and he still wants me in his life, however it’s up to him to realize that he actually needs me in his life. So for that reason, I’m not giving up hope yet, but I’m still living my life.

 

I am familiar with the material you posted.

 

Unfortunately, I think you are going to find that doesn't apply here. I understand you want it to, but his own words indicate the opposite. Someone who really wants you in his life doesn't tell you that he isn't in love with you, OP.

[sunshineten]

In this case I disagree. He’s the type of guy who has been hit so hard with so many things that he will say certain things to not burden me. I’ve spoken to family members and it is evident that he cares deeply for me, and if you read my old your post then you’d see that that very well may be enough for me. It’s funny when people always say well believe a man when he says something but then they also say actions speak louder than words. So his actions to me, whether we’re together or whether or not he’s checking up on me etc. having nothing to do with him trying to string me along or have sex with me because that was by far a chance occurrence, but thanks for your input. You told me to dispel the drowning theory but give me nothing to back it up. I understand that people respond to these posts based on their own experiences or things that they witness, but it’s really not a one-size-fits-all. This man has done things with me that he’s never done with any of his other girlfriends and I can verify that with his family, His self-esteem has taken a hit but that’s not a permanent condition. If he chooses to realize who is actually for him and not against him then things may change. If not, I’ll still be OK.

[sunshineten]

Also, he stated things to indicate that he does not want me to have to give up the life that I have established where I live ( successful career, family nearby). Having a long distance relationship would be difficult for both of us. At one point I was going to make that move for him, but I’m not so sure now if it were to ever come up.

[boltnrun]

But regardless of what his family said or whatever, he still doesn't want to be together. At the end of the day, whatever reasons he gives, whether or not you believe them, the result is the same.

 

Perhaps the distance will be the final factor in helping you move forward.

[sunshineten]

Perhaps the distance will bring him back to me. It’s not like it’s never happened to people before in similar situations.

[SweetGirl28]

Perhaps the distance will bring him back to me. It’s not like it’s never happened to people before in similar situations.

 

It happened to me, more than once from my first love. He came back twice to try to marry me. I wasn't in a good place emotionally, the death of my dad, my divorce in the final stages. Both times were bad timing. We are still really great friends. I was just looking back through old memories , I was showing him over FaceTime and he said "look you could see the love in my eyes for you" I said "what about now?" And he said "you know I love you, everyone knows it".

I honestly may make the move to AZ once my daughter goes off to college in a few years if he and I are still single.

The difference though is that he was and has always been very clear. I could have been there long ago if my daughters dad wouldn't fight to stop me from moving cross country with our daughter, and there's no chance of my ex returning here because he owns two successful businesses where he lives, and would have to start from scratch again.

That love changed, but it never died. So yes distance can make the heart grow fonder, but your guy is being clear on what he doesn't want, which is commitment. Distance will most likely cause a further gap if he moves because he's uncertain of

his feelings. Just be careful not to tie your life up waiting for him. Go on and live as you did prior to meeting him.

[sunshineten]

I honestly don’t even know if he’s going to move. He was supposed to make the move very soon back when he first broke up with me. His mother seems to think that he’s feeling a sense of obligation to move because of guilt, because his sibling died and he’s the only one to take care of these relatives. He keeps saying he has to get his money together to move back home, and that keeps getting postponed. I think the idea of a long distance relationship is overwhelming to him and the fact that he is trying to get his life together as well. Some days I think he is not in love with me anymore and then other days I feel like he very much is but is feeling unworthy of me. I think he’s more confused than anything else and for those reasons won’t commit, but his admission to me of his problem in the past with committing as well as his recent illness are actually factors that I believe are making him reconsider. This is why I’m being patient, but still living my life without him.

[SweetGirl28]

Understood. Just be careful with your own heart because someone who's on the fence is thinking of themselves first, and you are just a secondary thought. Couples work together, exe's work individually. So you do you, and let him do him.

[mynameisneo]

Male perspective, FWIW:

 

I've gone strict NC after a relationship to heal. That was for me, not anyone else. It worked for that purpose and strongly advocate it for that.

 

Reading the OP's post, as she describes it, it doesn't look like she is being used or manipulated. The sex was consensual and both parties desired one another. Her ex conveyed to her that he still has feelings for her, in so many words. They are amicable and are maintaining a friendly line of communication. They are also both single and there was an obvious previous connection, chemistry, love, etc. that can be reignited.

 

I think that if you want your ex back, you should be honest about it at some point but move very slowly for your own protection. If it doesn't work, it'll hurt and probably worse than the first time. I also don't think there's anything wrong with giving space in order to move slowly. But going NC to get someone back generally doesn't work, not unless you're playing games and it's for short periods of time (and honestly I have no opinion on this, a lot of love, wooing and seduction is, quite frankly, games in a sense).

 

But if you go NC for a long time, he'll move on at some point, sooner or later. I went NC on my ex for the sole reason of healing myself, and I did, quickly. When we re-united as friends, she had a BF and I had a GF. And it had been 4 months or so since I went NC. So not a long time for either of us, and we were in committed relationships already. Someone can pop into his life that he'll fall for at any given point in time for a variety of reasons (circumstance, timing, attraction, desire, you name it). That's just how life works.

 

My advice if I was the guy and you were trying to win me back:

 

1) Give me the clear signals I need to know that this is what you want

2) Make it a bit of a challenge for me to get you back, but don't put up a mountain in front of me. I'm not going to move it because I'm afraid of being hurt in the process. Just a few doors that might not be super easy to open. Make each one easier to open than the last one if things are going well.

3) Make sure I reciprocate in terms of what you give. And if this starts to work, make sure I know that you're not interested in or seeing someone else, and expect the same of me.

 

Exes can get back together. It happens. I'm in the process of re-uniting with my ex, who very clearly told me she wants us to have a relationship again, she wants to move slow, and verbatim said "Let me come to you". I'm doing that and it's working. Good luck!!

[sunshineten]

It's great to hear things from a male perspective. So, it's been two weeks of NC and he just called me. I let it go into voicemail. He said he was calling to "break the ice so to speak" since it's been exactly two weeks since we last spoke (side note: that was actually when we had sex, as well). He also said he was checking to see if where I work was affected by this bad weather we're having (which he could have easily found out online) and he said he hopes I've been doing well and that he's been doing well. I plan on calling him back (or maybe just text him back) in a few hours, but I will keep the conversation short and sweet, as he has not said anything about us trying to work things out. He sounded a little melancholy even though he says he's been okay, so I don't know.

[sunshineten]

Well, he called back again, this time I legitimately missed the call, but he didn't leave a voicemail.

[mynameisneo]

Well, he called back again, this time I legitimately missed the call, but he didn't leave a voicemail.

 

Call him back. If he's calling you to tell you he's calling to break the ice, he's giving you a signal. He's not going to go into this full steam ahead, but he's opening a channel for communication.

 

And he called twice. He didn't leave a voice mail because you didn't call him back the first time. So if you want to start chatting with him again, call him back and tell him you're sorry you missed his call because , and it would be nice to catch up if he would like.

 

Make it casual and:

 

- if he says no, act like it's no big deal, be polite and tell him you'll chat with him later, after you feel like you've exchanged enough pleasantries (not too long).

- if he says yes, tell him you're busy x and y day but you can meet him for coffee on z day. Make it 2-3 days out. If he suggests the weekend make it a little harder, you have plans, but could maybe see him for coffee Sunday. Same for keeping the conversation short.

 

If you meet up, be nice, act casual and don't go into romantic stuff. Keep it light, friendly and entertaining. If he asks if you're seeing anyone, the answer is no, unless you are, in which case you should be honest with him, and also figure out whether you really want him back - it wouldn't be fair to him to do this if you're seeing other guys, and vice-verssa (I'm adding this because I don't know your particular situation at the moment).

 

Have fun for a couple of hours, keep things light, work on rebuilding your bond, hug him, kiss him on the cheek, and then tell him you'd be open to seeing him again (this assuming everything went well).

 

Then ease up on the communication for a couple of days. Space out your texts a bit, don't respond right away, etc. Rebuild the romantic anticipation between the two of you. It will have the same effect on you, in all reality.

 

Basically, date all over again :). HTH, good luck!!

 

(disclaimer: the above was literally a replay of the first date my ex and I had when we re-united and what happened after. She said yes when I asked if she wanted to get together, so option 1 was never in play)

[sunshineten]

mynameisneo, this definitely helps. I actually communicated with him a couple of times before I saw this message, but I will continue to be upbeat when speaking with him and the next time I'll suggest that we catch up. The hard part will be the hugging and kissing without taking it further, considering our last meeting. I don't want to seem like a tease, but I don't want to give him all of me unless and until he's ready to commit -- and he knows for me that is a plan for marriage, especially at our age.

[sunshineten]

So, I kind of backed off a little because although we were chatting, we weren't discussing relationship stuff. Then one day he called and we spoke for three hours. He told me that he was going through a lot and apologized for his behavior. He said he didn't want to bring me down with him and he kept saying he's a bad provider (he's said he's a bad provider in the past). He wanted me to find a good man who could do things for me (that's one thing that he said a few days before he broke up with me, that his greatest worry was being able to do things for me). He also said he does love me, that he misses being with me, and that he wasn't seeing anyone and that he didn't think there was anyone else out there for him. I told him I had opportunities to date, and I tried, but I didn't go through with anything. He also said that he's always wanted to be married one day. He then asked if maybe we could go out on a date next week (after my visiting family leaves town). I told him that's a possibility that might work. He's texted me a few times since then. I feel excited and scared at the same time.

[SweetGirl28]

Is he still planning on moving far away?

 

I have to ask why if you meet up again you'll be hugging and kissing and not taking it further. What's the point in this?

You already slept with him again. If you're going to hold off on sex until he commits, I think you'll be waiting forever.

Sounds like he might be needy and lonely right now, so proceed with caution.

 

I think you really need to read between the lines with his words, and look for actions.

It's your life, you have to do what makes you happy, but idk that this is good to stay stuck in.

[sunshineten]

He said he doesn't want to move. Now, he's saying that he feels his parents are giving him a guilt trip about coming back and that it won't be forever (their words). He said he couldn't be of help to both of them at the same time anyway because they don't live together, but he's still thinking of going. He said ideally he would keep his place in our town and go back and forth. He said he definitely would come back one way or the other.

 

As far as the hugging and kissing, I just don't want it to be all about sex, but based on the nature of our recent conversations, it's obvious that it won't be. I told him I don't want to give him part of me, I want to give him all of me, and he agreed and said he wanted the same. I'll do what feels natural and right, but I plan on asking him in person what exactly are we doing/where are we going with our relationship.