sunshineten Posted February 22, 2018 Share Posted February 22, 2018 My ex-boyfriend broke up with me after ten months. We had a great relationship. Said he was no longer in love with me but still loved me and wanted to be lifelong friends. We still talked on the phone, texted, and saw each other platonically (at our places or in public). He actually got really sick after the break up, depressed and not taking care of himself, and ended up in the hospital (I was by his side the whole time). Two months later, he admitted he has always had committment issues, but the added issue this time is that he may have to move far away to care for a family member. He asked me if I was seeing anyone and he said he has no intention of seeing any other woman. He even had our picture up in our apartment (although he could have just put it up because I was coming over, I’m not sure). Anyway, we ended up having sex and of course it was phenomenal. He said it had been so long that he wasn’t sure if could even last, but rest assured he did. He said he would call me later that night (he did text me briefly and I responded). We remain FB friends, but we just recently stopped commenting or liking each other’s posts anymore. I still want him back but I have not contacted him since he last texted me five days ago. I plan on going NC (although I plan to post on FB but not comment on his), so I’ve given no indication that I’m affected one way or the other by the sex. (We did say we missed each other, etc. when we had sex and in the end I joked that he used me and he joked back that I used him). Link to comment
Hollyj Posted February 22, 2018 Share Posted February 22, 2018 You have been giving him the benefit of a relationship, without one. He does not love you. You are wasting your time, and making things more difficult for yourself. I also think it's awful that he continues this, knowing how you feel. That is a user! You CANNOT be friends when there are feeling. Go NC and block this guy! Link to comment
sunshineten Posted February 22, 2018 Author Share Posted February 22, 2018 How is he using me? I chose to sleep with him, he didn't twist my arm. I chose to allow him to take me out to dinner or for me to talk to him or his mother or his other family members. I'm not trying to be friends with him. I'm trying to go NC to get him back. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted February 22, 2018 Share Posted February 22, 2018 If he knows you have feelings, then he should not be messing with you. He no longer has feelings for you. He told you this. You slept with him to get him back, Right????? The purpose of NC, is to move on. He is done, unless you want FWB arrangement. Link to comment
sunshineten Posted February 22, 2018 Author Share Posted February 22, 2018 No, I did not sleep with him to get him back. I wanted him back before and after I slept with him. I slept with him because we were both horny and attracted to each other and it had been a long time for both of us. There is no other woman, I'm positive as I said I'm in touch with his family, who adores me. He clearly has feelings for me, maybe not in love like before, due to his own self-esteem issues, but he has done things to indicate that he still admires and respects me and cares about my well-being. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted February 22, 2018 Share Posted February 22, 2018 Doesn't matter. he doesn't love you. I am sure he does care about and respect you, but that does not bring people back to a relationship Link to comment
sunshineten Posted February 22, 2018 Author Share Posted February 22, 2018 So you can't love a person and be in a relationship? You have to be in love? And you can't fall back in love with someone? Link to comment
Hollyj Posted February 22, 2018 Share Posted February 22, 2018 It would not work for me, if someone did not share my feelings. I think that you need to ask the same for yourself. Going from a loving relationship to someone who is more of a friend, would be heartbreaking. Wouldn't you want your feeling reciprocated? Link to comment
sunshineten Posted February 22, 2018 Author Share Posted February 22, 2018 Understood. I find myself questioning my feelings of being "in love" with him sometimes, but he is a good man overall and a great companion/boyfriend (not even speaking of the sexual part). Link to comment
boltnrun Posted February 22, 2018 Share Posted February 22, 2018 I agree, he did not use you. Using you would have been if he said he wanted to get back together, had sex with you, then said "Just kidding, I only wanted to get laid". But it doesn't seem like he did that. I will tell you that having sex with an ex doesn't make them want you back. I had sex with my ex and what he told me afterward was that he cared about me and liked me, but we were not getting back together. I stopped sleeping with him after that. He has to also want to get back together. If he hasn't said he wants to get back together he probably doesn't want to. And sex won't change his mind. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted February 22, 2018 Share Posted February 22, 2018 Understood. I find myself questioning my feelings of being "in love" with him sometimes, but he is a good man overall and a great companion/boyfriend (not even speaking of the sexual part). I understand, but he will not meet your emotional needs. You cannot expect him to be there, as in the past. I have been in your position.. It was agonizing. But, in my case, he was also telling me that he still loved me.UGh! Deep down I knew that he didn't. I could not have any expectations, as we were not in a relationship. Link to comment
sunshineten Posted February 22, 2018 Author Share Posted February 22, 2018 He hasn't said anything other than making small talk in the text after we slept together. I feel like we're both waiting to see who will take the conversation further. We tend to mirror each other's behavior, but I don't intend on contacting him for several weeks. I feel like our chapter is not finished. His life started falling apart and he saw how together mine was, that's something he may never get right, but it could occur...with or without me. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted February 22, 2018 Share Posted February 22, 2018 Be careful Protect your heart. Link to comment
sunshineten Posted February 22, 2018 Author Share Posted February 22, 2018 He's been there as far as doing favors for me when needed...that's what led to us meeting up (something totally unrelated to sex), but I understand what you're saying. I know he still stalks my FB, as he saw a picture of me and my (male) cousin together, and although he doesn't comment on my posts anymore, he did mention to me in person how pretty I looked in the post. I'm not saying those two things satisfy my emotional needs, but he does provide a sense of caring and protection that is satisfying, along with concerns about me and my children. Link to comment
No1 Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 How is he using me? I chose to sleep with him, he didn't twist my arm. I chose to allow him to take me out to dinner or for me to talk to him or his mother or his other family members. I'm not trying to be friends with him. I'm trying to go NC to get him back. Thats the beauty of it all. You think you had a choice but you never really did. Sound like you wear your heart on your sleeve and Im sure every time you saw him you let him know how you felt about him or you two talked about "US" and Im sure you mentioned how things would be if you two got back together. He knows how much you want him back and he used your heart against you. Here is the honest truth. If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you today. You can accept his "Im not good at commitments" excuse and the old "I dont want to be with anyone else" line. Those are lines, heck Ive used those lines to paint a silver lining on a dark cloud. Im not good at relationships, you are too good for me, you should be with someone better, you should be with someone who deserves you, Ive never felt like this about anyone before, I cant imagine being with someone else, Im not looking for anyone else. These are lines to soften the blow and lessen the hurt. As Holly said, he has no incentive to change his mind about the relationship because he has one with you without the commitment. He gets to talk to you, take you out to dinner, have sex with you and all this without being your boyfriend. So why does he have to change anything? Right not you can not be friends with him. Sounds like you are waving the flag of "friendship" but really want to be with him. Just remember, if he meets someone, he is going to tell you about it because you two are 'friends' and are you prepared for hearing how he met this amazing girl and the sex is awesome? Not saying its going to happen but thats a good chance as long as you are 'friends'. Leave him alone. It doesnt singnal that you have closed the door because he knows you want him back. But dont be so available to him, let him see a life without you. If he misses you, then he can earn you back, if he doesnt miss you then youll hear from him less and less. I know its hard to cut all ties and let him go, but you have to know where you stand and being in his life wont give you that answer. I Link to comment
sunshineten Posted February 23, 2018 Author Share Posted February 23, 2018 Thats the beauty of it all. You think you had a choice but you never really did. Sound like you wear your heart on your sleeve and Im sure every time you saw him you let him know how you felt about him or you two talked about "US" and Im sure you mentioned how things would be if you two got back together. He knows how much you want him back and he used your heart against you. Here is the honest truth. If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you today. You can accept his "Im not good at commitments" excuse and the old "I dont want to be with anyone else" line. Those are lines, heck Ive used those lines to paint a silver lining on a dark cloud. Im not good at relationships, you are too good for me, you should be with someone better, you should be with someone who deserves you, Ive never felt like this about anyone before, I cant imagine being with someone else, Im not looking for anyone else. These are lines to soften the blow and lessen the hurt. As Holly said, he has no incentive to change his mind about the relationship because he has one with you without the commitment. He gets to talk to you, take you out to dinner, have sex with you and all this without being your boyfriend. So why does he have to change anything? Right not you can not be friends with him. Sounds like you are waving the flag of "friendship" but really want to be with him. Just remember, if he meets someone, he is going to tell you about it because you two are 'friends' and are you prepared for hearing how he met this amazing girl and the sex is awesome? Not saying its going to happen but thats a good chance as long as you are 'friends'. Leave him alone. It doesnt singnal that you have closed the door because he knows you want him back. But dont be so available to him, let him see a life without you. If he misses you, then he can earn you back, if he doesnt miss you then youll hear from him less and less. I know its hard to cut all ties and let him go, but you have to know where you stand and being in his life wont give you that answer. I You got it half right. I never told him I wanted to get back together when I saw him. I played things so cool. We both said we missed each other when we had sex, but that's the extent of me expressing my feelings in detail. Of course he knew I wasn't happy about the breakup, but that's it. I also already stated that I am no longer trying to be friends with him (I only agreed to being friends with him because he was going through an extremely rough time and he needed someone and I was the only one there -- I believe me and my daughter getting him to the hospital in fact saved his life). I also already stating that I have gone no contact. I am not in touch with him precisely for the purpose of having him miss me for real and/or finding out where I stand once he doesn't have me available to him. Trust me, I have no intention of making this easy for him, and I actually don't regret sleeping with him -- we both needed it. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 Why did he have to go to the hospital? And why does he not have any friends or family who can help him? Link to comment
Hollyj Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 How old is your daughter? Link to comment
SweetGirl28 Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 I'm sincerely trying to wrap my brain around why you would decide to go NC after having sex with him. I understand you want him back, but this seems very backwards to me. You're now using it to win him back? NC isn't for that purpose. You're playing a game that you have a good chance of losing. Link to comment
sunshineten Posted February 23, 2018 Author Share Posted February 23, 2018 Just prior to the breakup he had been depressed and stressed. In fact he said his biggest worry was being able to do for me and that he didn't want to be a burden to me. Almost immediately after the breakup he caught what urgent care called a stomach bug. Next, his recently-diagnosed diabetes (most people don't know he's diabetic) acted up and he ended up with extremely high blood sugar, dehydration, and even had problems walking. I suspected something was wrong when I didn't see him online as often, so I asked him mother how he was and she asked me to check on him. When my daughter talked to him on our way over, and when we saw him, it was evident he needed medical attention. My goal was to get him to the hospital right away, but I kept in touch with his mother (who lives several states away and was caught in a snowstorm) as well as local relatives (who ended up coming to visit him). I even kept his youngest child's mother apprised of his condition. She came to visit from a neighboring state with the child and it was evident that he wanted to make sure I was there to meet her (I had met the child before, but the mother didn't know that). He's used to being healthy and had never been in the hospital, and he's very much like his father (his idol) who also lives several states away and tends to keep to himself/not ask for help despite him being very social (my ex, that is). His parents are divorced. Link to comment
sunshineten Posted February 23, 2018 Author Share Posted February 23, 2018 How old is your daughter? She's 20, grown. Link to comment
sunshineten Posted February 23, 2018 Author Share Posted February 23, 2018 I'm sincerely trying to wrap my brain around why you would decide to go NC after having sex with him. I understand you want him back, but this seems very backwards to me. You're now using it to win him back? NC isn't for that purpose. You're playing a game that you have a good chance of losing. I don't want to seem to needy. I mean, it's been less than a week so I still have a chance not to go NC. He's not ready to commit or he's not committing, so I don't want to scare him away. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 Someone who wants to be with you cannot be "scared away". Link to comment
SweetGirl28 Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 I don't want to seem to needy. I mean, it's been less than a week so I still have a chance not to go NC. He's not ready to commit or he's not committing, so I don't want to scare him away. Being friendly with him isn't going to get you any commitment. Nor will sex. Losing you might make him reconsider. But.......he wouldn't be willing to risk losing you if he wanted you. He'd make it clear. Missing someone isn't the same as wanting to be in a relationship again. So it's great you both said it, but you can't miss one another when you're being friendly. I think it's nice you were there for him when he needed you, being ill, but you're hanging onto hope while he's reaping the benefits of you without commitment. It's hard to go NC after having contact again. You've put yourself in a position where you weakened yourself( not judging, I just did the same exact thing as you ) so you need to be certain what you want. Just don't use NC as a game. It's meant for healing, and that's not what you're trying to do. If you're going to go NC, at least tell him so that if he reaches out he doesn't wonder why you disappeared. It sends mixed signals to be friendly and have sex then go silent. Was he in more contact with you before you had sex? Link to comment
sunshineten Posted February 23, 2018 Author Share Posted February 23, 2018 I'm not trying to be friendly or to have sex in hopes of a commitment, never was and I think I explained that before. I wouldn't say he was in more contact before we had sex -- it varied. Sometimes it was a little short of a week (like it is now) and sometimes we'd talk several times a day. I do believe, since I know him so well, that he's not sure what I'm feeling and is waiting for me to make a move. I've actually come to terms with going NC so it wouldn't be hard for me at this point. I even just uninstalled FB on my phone so I won't be tempted to check up on his page. I believe he'll reach out again and I guess depending on what he says that will make a determination as to how or if I respond. Link to comment
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