Busy and trying to date...

[maew]

Hey all...

 

I (46 yo Female, two grown kids) am trying to figure out how to fit dating in to my life, and still maintain my sense of self and everything I have worked for. In my past relationships, I have struggled big time with the balance between taking care of and investing in myself, and of investing in the other person.

 

Since the end of my last relationship I have done and am doing so many things I have always wanted to do... finished my life coaching certification, advanced in my career, started travelling, spending more time with friends and family, being active, volunteering, building my coaching business. I am excited and happy about my life, and where I am going... and I don't NEED a relationship, but I do love dating and the idea of one... I am just not sure if it's realistic.

 

I met someone nice last week, and we had a good time, then this week things were so busy I barely had time to think. He sent me a message today asking if I was really interested in him, and I decided to be honest and say I just don't know what I want right now. And it's not the first time... have met several lovely people, just none that made me feel like I wanted to give up time and energy I am dedicating towards other things.

 

Of course we all know about the good good feelings that come when we meet someone we like... and it's so tempting to focus all of our energy on that person to get more of those good feelings.

 

My actual question is this... what do the rest of you do to balance dating with life? What do you do to show a person you like them and are interested while still investing in the rest of your life? What are some of the challenges you have faced in these situations and how did you overcome them?

[Betterwithout]

My actual question is this... what do the rest of you do to balance dating with life? What do you do to show a person you like them and are interested while still investing in the rest of your life? What are some of the challenges you have faced in these situations and how did you overcome them?

 

A lot of it comes down to finding someone with a similar life and time schedule. ie: a doctor who works crazy hours might work well with someone else who has a night shift. A transport truck driver with a flight attendant.

You need someone who is NOT a homebody and likes to watch TV all the time. Although if you both love TV and spending hours on the couch, perfect!

The right person for you will feel mutual about how they spend their lives outside of the relationship.

You are active and you have more time to yourself with grown kids, so you have a better chance with someone who is also active, and/or has grown kids too.

[katrina1980]

A lot of it comes down to finding someone with a similar life and time schedule. ie: a doctor who works crazy hours might work well with someone else who has a night shift. A transport truck driver with a flight attendant.

 

I think generally speaking you're probably right.

 

However, it can work when their partner has his/her own interests outside the RL, enjoys their lone time, is flexible and generally not demanding of their time and attention.

 

That would be me, as I am dating a man with a somewhat crazy schedule and it's never been an issue, not even once. I work daytime hours, 9:00-6:00ish.

 

And he's had to cancel time with me last minute too (more than once) due to having to pick up a late shift last minute. Not so much this year but last year, especially in December, his schedule was super crazy!

 

So it can work under those circumstances.

 

maew, your best fit would be a very secure, independent man with his own interests, who doesn't take the fact you don't have tons of time to spend with him personally.

 

But make sure the time you DO spend with him is quality time, show enthusiasm and high interest, respond to texts/emails as timely as you can even if it's just so say "super busy at the moment, catch up with you later"! Or words to that effect.

 

Every once in awhile upload a song by his favorite artist and email or text it to him. Stuff like that.

 

You can keep the connection alive that way, even though you don't have lots of time to spend together, at least not at the moment.

[catfeeder]

Small dates instead of long ones will help you to get to know someone well enough to learn whether you'll want to invest in any longer dates with them.

 

Use a dating app for 'speed meeting'. This allows you to set up quick coffee meets on your way home from work. Stop in to grab a cup of whatever, and if the guy stands you up, no big deal--take your cup with you. Otherwise, rules are to meet for 15-20 minutes to check one another out, neither can ask the other for a real date on the spot, but either can contact the other afterward with an invite. If the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, no response is necessary. This takes the whole squirmy rejection thing off the table.

 

Most people are NOT our match. That's not cynical, it's just the odds. Move on to meet the next person after every non-match until you meet someone with whom you share simpatico. From there, make your dates with that person short and sweet. Quick meals, a walk in the park, an ice cream--the goal is to continue getting to know the person until you learn whether a longer date is worth your time, or not.

 

Either someone is healthy and autonomous enough to 'get' why you're dating like this, or not. If not, move on. If so, you'll learn over time how well matched you are in other areas and you can incorporate more dating with this person into your schedule over t.i.m.e. instead of nosediving into an investment.

 

When the goal is to find a COMPATIBLE partner, setting your own rules and your own pace is about seeking compatibility rather than trying to 'win' someone just to have a boyfriend. Your own busy schedule and happy life will enhance your ability to screen OUT bad matches rather than overinvesting in wrong people at the expense of what's important to you. It's a nice problem to have, and more people would do better to date from your shoes.

 

Head high, it's all good--and when it's not, take a rest and get back on whenever you're ready.