Just talk about it

[Always in trou]

My wife never wants to talk about sex , she bought a couple of toys to play with but won't involve me. I've always wanted to ensure she is satisfied but she won't tell me what she wants me to do.

What can I do? I love her and this is causing stress.

[DanZee]

It's difficult for some people to talk about sex. Sometimes you don't even know what you want but you know when you're not getting what you need. Other than money, sex is probably the thing that breaks up most relationships. You probably need a professional counselor to at least break the ice and get both of you talking. Other than that, you would just be guessing as to what she likes or doesn't like. For women, however, the emotional connection is probably the most important. So anything you do, you have to start with some romance and feelings and see if she responds to that.

[SlothnPasta]

Like the other commentor said, some people aren't vocal about sex or don't like to be. It can feel very foreign or demanding if it was never practiced before. My best advice would be to ask her during if it is okay to try something. Or maybe, just try, but not forcefully. There is vocal communication and physical. If your wife refuses to speak vocally, try to read her body language.

 

Or, the old fashioned thing to do is do something very romantic to get her in a great mood. Maybe light a bunch of candles around the tub and put some nice smelling stuff in it to make her feel special.

 

Also look into other aspects of your relationship. Is she very shy about being honest and blunt in general? If you ask her how she is, does she always say, "good"? Or does she explain to you when she had a bad day and why.

 

There really could be a lot of things going on. Try talking to her about it to start the conversation.

"Can I do anything to make you more comfortable?"

"How can I help you with this?"

Sometimes just speaking in a way that isn't blatently sexual is the answer.

 

 

GOOD LUCK!

[Andrina]

How long have you been a couple? Has sex always been a problem or is it recent? How often do you have sex now, and how often did you have it in the past?

[Always in trou]

We've been together since 1987 and married since 1989 and at first she was a bit adventurous but after having children it seems like she looks at sex as dirty and embarrassing, I guess I need to find a way to get a conversation started but when I try she shuts me down no matter when or where we are.

[Andrina]

I'd have another discussion about the seriousness of the matter. Tell her you're not going to live the rest of your life with an unsatisfying sex life. If she refuses to get marital counseling, go by yourself and tell her you're going. This will either scare her into change if she fears losing you, or her non-action will tell you she no longer cares what you think or how you feel, and you have some important decisions to make for your future.

[catfeeder]

Have you told her that this stresses you and asked her what her reasons are for becoming unwilling to discuss sex with you? How does she reply?

[Always in trou]

When I've brought it up I get told I'm being stupid and shouldn't be so focused on sex. Women don't get that testosterone makes us feel like this the alternative is a male with no drive.

[Always in trou]

Just a question to guys, if your wife bought a sex toy and didn't include you when she used it how would you feel?

I thought sex was between two people not a person and mechanical device.

[cherubrock]

It is because you're too focused on it...but at least you're willing to talk to her about it. How old are you? You've been married for a long time. Maybe she is having sex more to please you than for herself...and the toys are a way for her to focus just on herself without any "demands".

Do you please yourself? Then its unfair for you to feel that way about her using toys.

Also, women need the "emotional" component usually more than men...but men think that means sex! Which is not necessarily the case always.

[Always in trou]

It's easy to say that I am too focused on it when you don't know me, all these years I have not pressured her even to discuss what she would like me to do and after finding out I'm being replaced sexually is quiet an insult to a man.

I've been told sex for men is more physical and women need love and romance to feel like sex so what does this tell me ?

[Wiseman2]

It tells you you she needs easy convenient release sometimes, just like you.

I've been told sex for men is more physical and women need love and romance to feel like sex so what does this tell me ?

[thealchemist]

It's easy to say that I am too focused on it when you don't know me, all these years I have not pressured her even to discuss what she would like me to do and after finding out I'm being replaced sexually is quiet an insult to a man.

I've been told sex for men is more physical and women need love and romance to feel like sex so what does this tell me ?

You haven't pressed her in what she would like done...

 

Have you just tried stuff and gauge her response?

 

I typically just gauge her reaction to what I do and adjust accordingly.

 

If my wife bought some sex toys I would actually be annoyed if I was NEVER involved. But I buy her toys and don't let her know until they are about to be used, so I get to use them on her too.

 

But on the same note, I wouldn't care if she used them solo, in fact I promote that a lot. That is also the reason I buy them

 

I think your wife is unsatisfied sexually too.

 

I think you need to try to rebuild an emotional and sexual relationship before trying to actually have more sex.

 

Romance her. You have been together since 1987, the year I was born. I think infusing romance would be the best thing for you two.