Pushed limits, admitted to GF, but still feel guilty, do I owe more a detailed confession?

[watercup]

My gf and I have been together for about a year. Prior to the start of our relationship, I had planned to attend a conference in another country and to stay with a friend. The trip was a few months into my new relationship. This friend and I had hooked up in the past. Before the trip I told this friend I was now in a relationship and the visit had to be platonic, but I should've known better. I made a terrible mistake going on the trip.

 

There was, of course, a lot of sexual tension during the week. To be honest, though I had stated the trip must be platonic and truly wanted it that way, I probably also expected the sexual tension and maybe even looked forward to it in a flattering kind of way. But from the beginning, it was more than I had anticipated. My friend was very forward with me and asked me to sleep in her bed every night from the first, but I always declined. I should've left and found a hotel right away. I had set boundaries in my mind before the trip that I wouldn't let anything get sexual, but failed to realize how those boundaries could be blurred. For instance, my friend asked for a massage at one point, and I began thinking it something that could be friendly, but stopped soon after. She asked to give me one, and I said no.

 

The worst thing that happened, after drinking with some of her friends--another foolish thing--she got in the shower with me. To be honest, I'm sure I was partly to blame. I don't remember all the details, but I had probably been flirtatious during the night. I know, however, that I did not invite her in with me. I had no sexual feelings whatsoever in that moment, and I rinsed and got out of the shower, but not before my friend gave me a hug. Again, I had no sexual feelings at all--I tried not to even look at her. I should've been more assertive, maybe even yelled at her, left, gotten a hotel, etc. But we can see a pattern of my not being assertive enough. Before going to bed that night, she asked if she could kiss me, but I told her no.

 

In the end it was a terrible trip. I felt very dark and lonely the whole time because I felt like my "friend" wasn't a friend at all--she was just looking to hook up. After the trip I felt incredibly guilty and came clean to my girlfriend. I told her it had not been a completely innocent week. I told her we didn't sleep together, nor did we even kiss, but that things happened she probably wouldn't have liked had she been there. I told her I would tell her details if she wanted, but that they might just hurt her. She didn't and hasn't asked for details. She was very upset for a few days, but we talked through it and moved on. Still, I feel incredibly guilty and like I'm hiding something from her. I feel that even though I told her I pushed the limits with this girl, she may have only thought something like flirting or dancing occurred. I don't know.

 

Do I owe my girlfriend the details? She is a great woman and I love her a lot. She deserves to be in a relationship on her terms.

 

To inform my question: I have been diagnosed OCD and have a major problem with guilt, especially sex-based guilt because my father was a sex offender. I once felt obsessively urged to confess something I'd done when I was 13 to my college girlfriend, for instance, and was later put on medication. I'm seeking out a psychiatrist to address these issues in general. I only say this to explain why I'm asking: sometimes I have trouble discerning if my guilt is rational or not.

[Jibralta]

I think you acted correctly. Don't force the details on your girlfriend if she doesn't want to hear them.

 

Your guilt is understandable, but it may be excessive. It's good that you are going to therapy. Sorry to hear about your dad. That has to be tough.

[Cope]

It's your OCD talking. She doesn't need the details and even if you give then to her, you know that you'll be wanting to confess again. Distract your mind, every time the thought creeps in, do something as simple as getting up, clean your room, comb your hair, brush your teeth you get the picture. Look for a cbt specialized psychologist, the sooner, the better! Take care!

[Exotic86]

Very sorry to hear all that. On top of that, it's very difficult to not fall for temptation.You could have slept with her very easily under those circumstances but you didn't. You don't have to feel guilty. I think you showed a lot of control despite the "lack of assertiveness" that you claim.

[MissCanuck]

I'm going to go against the grain here, it seems. In my point of view, your guilt is eating you for the following reason:

Your girlfriend probably does not realize this went as far as it did, OP, and thus is trying to forgive you for a far less scandalous transgression.

 

In her mind, she is probably imagining flirting or maybe a kiss but not actually stripping down and showering together, including a naked hug. No, you didn't sleep with this friend but serious boundaries were crossed and you went right along with it. Your girlfriend might indeed be worried there is more but is not yet prepared to hear it, but I have a feeling in time she will want to know the truth. It will likely eat at her that she doesn't really know what happened. I don't think it's your OCD bothering you; I think you know your girlfriend has a very different picture in her mind of what might have happened that night and you know it's worse than she imagines.

 

I would not push it on her, but I would make it clear to her that we are not just talking some dirty dancing at the club either.

[yatsue]

I'm going to go against the grain here, it seems. In my point of view, your guilt is eating you for the following reason:

Your girlfriend probably does not realize this went as far as it did, OP, and thus is trying to forgive you for a far less scandalous transgression.

 

In her mind, she is probably imagining flirting or maybe a kiss but not actually stripping down and showering together, including a naked hug. No, you didn't sleep with this friend but serious boundaries were crossed and you went right along with it. Your girlfriend might indeed be worried there is more but is not yet prepared to hear it, but I have a feeling in time she will want to know the truth. It will likely eat at her that she doesn't really know what happened. I don't think it's your OCD bothering you; I think you know your girlfriend has a very different picture in her mind of what might have happened that night and you know it's worse than she imagines.

 

I would not push it on her, but I would make it clear to her that we are not just talking some dirty dancing at the club either.

 

This. Not discussing this further is a temporary fix and, yes, solves your problem in the moment. However, her response is out of fear and worry, not acceptance for whatever you supposedly did.

 

Her reaction shows she isn't prepared or wants to know NOW, but will in the future. If she said something along the lines of she was completely ok with anything else as long as there was no kissing or sex, then perhaps it would be better to let sleeping dogs lie, but instead she was avoidant. That will be an issue later down the line and it's better to clear the air now while this is in the early stage.

 

You don't want her to imagine what could have possibly happened in her own mind, only to not trust you later from it, do you?

[j.man]

Half with MissCanuck and half with the others.

 

I mean, wow. That's a pretty incredible spin on having been naked in the shower with another lady. "We didn't even kiss." I don't think it's any wonder you feel guilty as she seems to have "forgiven" you on pretenses you know aren't quite accurate, to say the least.

 

Still, what's done is done. Before you **** with her emotions yet again, going all Billy Mays with a "but wait, there's more," I'd take some time to really reflect and grill yourself. Did you actually learn your lesson on not putting yourself in questionable situations (someone you've got a history with + drinking to the point you're risking lowering our inhibitions)? How steamy do you remember this shower actually being? The way you write it, she hopped in, you reacted by rinsing off and hopping out. That's quite different from you sticking around and lathering each other up. And, assuming she was the one going in for a naked hug, I don't think it's the worst thing in the world for you to have briefly placated her rather than stiff arming her away.

 

Again, that's not in any way saying you didn't **** up at an Olympic level, but that you did about as well as could be expected of a fox on a diet who decides to wander into the chicken coop, the equivalent of which you have already admitted to your girlfriend. Assuming the shower played out as one-sided as you describe it, I think your description of you knowingly putting yourself in an incredibly stupid situation and boundaries having been pushed adequately enough describes it. IDEALLY, I'd have you build a time machine to go back and more adequately structure your confession, but weighing the discrepancy (again, at least as described) against what is-- and not being hyperbolic here-- just a baby step below psychological torture in dredging up such an emotionally charged topic she's expressly stated she doesn't want the details of, I'd err on reconciling with that guilt without depending on her.

 

Especially considering this apparently happened a few months into your relationship and you two now coming up on a year together, I don't see a single benefit to her in bringing it up all over again and in more detail. If you feel an incident like this could repeat itself or if there are deeper underlying reasons for this guilt, I'd then consider breaking up until you're in a position to be in a healthy relationship and maintain your boundaries within it.

[watercup]

Half with MissCanuck and half with the others.

 

I mean, wow. That's a pretty incredible spin on having been naked in the shower with another lady. "We didn't even kiss." I don't think it's any wonder you feel guilty as she seems to have "forgiven" you on pretenses you know aren't quite accurate, to say the least.

 

Still, what's done is done. Before you **** with her emotions yet again, going all Billy Mays with a "but wait, there's more," I'd take some time to really reflect and grill yourself. Did you actually learn your lesson on not putting yourself in questionable situations (someone you've got a history with + drinking to the point you're risking lowering our inhibitions)? How steamy do you remember this shower actually being? The way you write it, she hopped in, you reacted by rinsing off and hopping out. That's quite different from you sticking around and lathering each other up. And, assuming she was the one going in for a naked hug, I don't think it's the worst thing in the world for you to have briefly placated her rather than stiff arming her away.

 

Again, that's not in any way saying you didn't **** up at an Olympic level, but that you did about as well as could be expected of a fox on a diet who decides to wander into the chicken coop, the equivalent of which you have already admitted to your girlfriend. Assuming the shower played out as one-sided as you describe it, I think your description of you knowingly putting yourself in an incredibly stupid situation and boundaries having been pushed adequately enough describes it. IDEALLY, I'd have you build a time machine to go back and more adequately structure your confession, but weighing the discrepancy (again, at least as described) against what is-- and not being hyperbolic here-- just a baby step below psychological torture in dredging up such an emotionally charged topic she's expressly stated she doesn't want the details of, I'd err on reconciling with that guilt without depending on her.

 

Especially considering this apparently happened a few months into your relationship and you two now coming up on a year together, I don't see a single benefit to her in bringing it up all over again and in more detail. If you feel an incident like this could repeat itself or if there are deeper underlying reasons for this guilt, I'd then consider breaking up until you're in a position to be in a healthy relationship and maintain your boundaries within it.

 

I think you are right about the inaccurate confession. At the time I was thinking a kiss would be much worse than what happened--hence why I still denied a kiss afterward. And I still somewhat think I would prefer my girlfriend do what happened over a kiss, though it's impossible to say not in the situation. And that's partly because, no, it was not steamy at all. I cannot even remember what my friend looked like in the shower because I avoided looking at her the whole time we were in there.

 

I would say I definitely learned my lesson. I honestly can't believe I did something so stupid when I care for this woman this much. I truly wish I had never gone on the trip. Nothing remotely similar will ever repeat itself. I had set boundaries for myself before the trip, and I honestly believe I stuck by them, but I had not considered how they could become blurred, and that's the lesson I learned, that it's best to just not get into a situation that will test those boundaries at all, though I wish I'd realized that beforehand.