Dirty fighting

[Anuta]

Hi there,

I've been with my husband 6 years, we have a baby together. When things go well, he's nice, he does with many things: helps me with my son from first marriage, our baby, does all the repairs, I never have to ask to take our garbage, etc. He's affectionate, the sex life is pretty good too. So these are the good points.

 

Just like me, he's not perfect, but there's one point with which I really have a problem and I don't know what to do about it: dirty fighting. He comes from Cuba where he studied in some board schools where the atmosphere apparently was like in a prison, it was the law of the strongest where if one didn't establish his position, he would be humiliated and I guess that's where he learnt to just "destroy" the person during a fight. There's nothing physical, but he has no limits as to what he can say to me during a fight. Things like " you", "I don't care what you say", "what you say is BS", "you're inférieur/cheap/unimportant", "ing ", "even your mom says that you're stupid" (which is true, she said it but she's my mom), "don't want to see you ever again", "I don't care about XYZ". He also trashed my sister, just to hurt me, because I was complaining about his ex who's "like a sister to him". At many fights, he would talk about breakup. He works from home, so he's almost always on his computer, so often, he would just tell me to get out, so he can work.....It sounds very awful, but when things are well, he tells me that he loves me and that he feels good with me. During peaceful moments, I told him how bad it feels and he says that I shouldn't take what he says in a heat of a moment for the real thing. So now I stopped caring, but it's just not what I dreamed about in a relationship.

 

I tried to follow the fair fighting rules, sometimes it gets better, but he still slips. He doesn't apologize for any of this, because according to him, it's me who starts the fight. But trust me, I NEVER EVER say anything like this, I complain about things, just like any other person, I might not always do it in a perfect way, but I don't feel that it's so bad that it deserves such explosions. It's me who has to go make peace after these fights, because his motto is that he doesn't start fights, but if I do, then I get what I asked for. I tried to make him read about relationships, he says he has no time. When I mention counseling, he says that he doesn't need to spend money on someone who's a stranger to our relationship and won't do anything. I tried many times and I just abandoned the idea. I abandoned the hope that it will get better in this aspect of our relationship.

 

This doesn't happen every day. I used to cry and feel bad for a few days, now, I don't even care. Things just go back to normal, because I don't know what else to do. It's either I use perfect argument techniques so that he in no way feels "attacked" (which is not my intention) or I'll get . He's not one of these people who thinks that marriage comes first, I'm his 3rd relationship, so he's not afraid of separating if he thinks that the relationship is not good. He admits that he has this defect, but he says that it's mostly me who spoils the relationship with my "fighting". He also thinks that he has many good things which is true.

 

I don't know what to do. Like I said looks like I stopped caring and I recover fast after these fights, so I could continue living like this concentrating on the good things, but is this a good way to live? Any advice would be welcomed.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. This has nothing to do with his excuses about Cuba, his school, "dirty fighting", etc. He's abusive, but you wish to overlook this and hope by continuing to listen to his rationalizing that he will change or does so involuntarily because of his unfortunate childhood. All abusers have excuses for their abuse and make themselves out as the victim. Go to counseling By Yourself and Do Not Tell him. Get advice and read up on abusive relationships and verbal/mental abuse. You will Never "recover from the fights". He will continue this abuse until you leave because it makes him feel good to hurt you.

Things like " you", "I don't care what you say", "what you say is BS", "you're inférieur/cheap/unimportant", "ing ", "even your mom says that you're stupid" (which is true, she said it but she's my mom), "don't want to see you ever again", "I don't care about XYZ". He also trashed my sister, just to hurt me.

[DancingFool]

I'm sorry but I can only echo Wiseman - what you describe is verbal/emotional abuse. Yes, abuse rolls in a cycle - good times, everything is great and even seemingly loving, tension building (in his psyche, you might not even be aware of this), explosion, which will be 100% blamed on you, your fault, you caused it, you are in the wrong, etc. except you are never the cause. Never. He does what he does because he wants to. Yes, it makes him feel good, feel powerful. He is not going to fix this, because he likes things just the way they are and things for you are never going to get better.

 

As for you, you may feel like you are getting numbed to all the abuse, however I guarantee you that your children are not. They are witnessing this and are being damaged by this. If you won't get out of this for your sake, then please get out for their sake.

[DanZee]

As the other posters have said, this is outright abuse! Your husband is an abuser and his yelling at you, calling you stupid and worthless has achieved just what his intention is, to break you down and turn you into a shell of yourself. To make you into someone who won't stand up for yourself, who will do whatever he says and even believe what he is telling you to believe. As all abusers do, he treats you nice for a few days to keep you emotionally dependent on whatever crumbs he gives you, and then crushes your spirit with a stupid and explosive argument. He, of course, resists any attempt to fix the relationship because this would basically be helping you to rebuild your self-esteem and that is not what he wants to do.

 

The advice, of course, would be to get out of this marriage, but since few women do, you need to build your sense of self back. Perhaps during the day you can spend it at a friend's or relative's place. Maybe you can build a network of friends outside the home and find a save place you can go with the kids. You could see a counselor or perhaps look up the number of an abused spouse hotline or attend meetings in your area with other abused spouses. There are a lot of other women in your situation and these meetings can create solidarity and strength. As Dancing Fool says, this behavior by your husband can psychologically hurt your children and can often turn them into abusers later in life.

[Seraphim]

Ask yourself if that is how you want to see your kids treat their partner because they will. Your children are also abused by watching you be abused.

[Anuta]

I'm sorry but I can only echo Wiseman - what you describe is verbal/emotional abuse. Yes, abuse rolls in a cycle - good times, everything is great and even seemingly loving, tension building (in his psyche, you might not even be aware of this), explosion, which will be 100% blamed on you, your fault, you caused it, you are in the wrong, etc. except you are never the cause. Never. He does what he does because he wants to. Yes, it makes him feel good, feel powerful. He is not going to fix this, because he likes things just the way they are and things for you are never going to get better.

 

As for you, you may feel like you are getting numbed to all the abuse, however I guarantee you that your children are not. They are witnessing this and are being damaged by this. If you won't get out of this for your sake, then please get out for their sake.

 

We normally don't fight in front of the children, they know that sometimes we fight, but they don't speak the same language. I have a 10 y.o. son from a previous relationship and we have a 4 month old baby. My ex abandoned our son and husband is his father figure. Not the best in the world step father, but he does things with him on occasion, brings him to school and activities when I'm busy with the baby, etc. We moved to the suburbs and my son made friends here and likes it. If I separate, I would have to go back to the city where all my life is and it's yet another change for him. I don't know what will cause more damage to the kids, me, leaving or me, sucking it up. I feel so confused....

[Seraphim]

I can tell you what’s worse watching your mother be abused . That’s why I have PTSD ,lifelong .

[Hurt10]

I lived the same kind of life with my husband, he would drink and the abuse became worse. His excuse was the mental and physical abuse he endured as a child from his parents. He went to therapy for years but it never made a difference. I finally left him after I recieved a diagnosis of breast cancer and he continued his abuse toward me, even shoved me down after I didn't come home from a funeral visitation when he thought I should have. If getting a cancer diagnosis and scheduled mastectomy didn't soften his behavior, I doubt that he would have ever changed. After I left, his voice mails were blaming me, everything was always my fault, I was the . He begged and pleaded for me to come to the house, just me. I now know that had I gone, I wouldn't be writing this post today. He shot himself in the heart and planned on taking me with him. I fear that what you are experiencing today as verbal abuse will eventually become physical, mine did. The need to control and keep you in your place is their game, they will resort to the next level if they feel they are losing you. You are in a dangerous marriage even though you may not be fully aware of your situation. I wasn't because each episode is a tiny bit worse than the last and you aren't fully aware of the increase. I always said I was like the frog in water. Please, for your sake and the children, don't stay and someday wake up and realize you've invested 40 years of your life being treated less than human. You deserve better.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened to you. Thank you for this cautionary tale. You're right about this:

He shot himself in the heart and planned on taking me with him. I fear that what you are experiencing today as verbal abuse will eventually become physical, mine did.