Anuta Posted February 5, 2018 Share Posted February 5, 2018 Hi there, I've been with my husband 6 years, we have a baby together. When things go well, he's nice, he does with many things: helps me with my son from first marriage, our baby, does all the repairs, I never have to ask to take our garbage, etc. He's affectionate, the sex life is pretty good too. So these are the good points. Just like me, he's not perfect, but there's one point with which I really have a problem and I don't know what to do about it: dirty fighting. He comes from Cuba where he studied in some board schools where the atmosphere apparently was like in a prison, it was the law of the strongest where if one didn't establish his position, he would be humiliated and I guess that's where he learnt to just "destroy" the person during a fight. There's nothing physical, but he has no limits as to what he can say to me during a fight. Things like " you", "I don't care what you say", "what you say is BS", "you're inférieur/cheap/unimportant", "ing ", "even your mom says that you're stupid" (which is true, she said it but she's my mom), "don't want to see you ever again", "I don't care about XYZ". He also trashed my sister, just to hurt me, because I was complaining about his ex who's "like a sister to him". At many fights, he would talk about breakup. He works from home, so he's almost always on his computer, so often, he would just tell me to get out, so he can work.....It sounds very awful, but when things are well, he tells me that he loves me and that he feels good with me. During peaceful moments, I told him how bad it feels and he says that I shouldn't take what he says in a heat of a moment for the real thing. So now I stopped caring, but it's just not what I dreamed about in a relationship. I tried to follow the fair fighting rules, sometimes it gets better, but he still slips. He doesn't apologize for any of this, because according to him, it's me who starts the fight. But trust me, I NEVER EVER say anything like this, I complain about things, just like any other person, I might not always do it in a perfect way, but I don't feel that it's so bad that it deserves such explosions. It's me who has to go make peace after these fights, because his motto is that he doesn't start fights, but if I do, then I get what I asked for. I tried to make him read about relationships, he says he has no time. When I mention counseling, he says that he doesn't need to spend money on someone who's a stranger to our relationship and won't do anything. I tried many times and I just abandoned the idea. I abandoned the hope that it will get better in this aspect of our relationship. This doesn't happen every day. I used to cry and feel bad for a few days, now, I don't even care. Things just go back to normal, because I don't know what else to do. It's either I use perfect argument techniques so that he in no way feels "attacked" (which is not my intention) or I'll get . He's not one of these people who thinks that marriage comes first, I'm his 3rd relationship, so he's not afraid of separating if he thinks that the relationship is not good. He admits that he has this defect, but he says that it's mostly me who spoils the relationship with my "fighting". He also thinks that he has many good things which is true. I don't know what to do. Like I said looks like I stopped caring and I recover fast after these fights, so I could continue living like this concentrating on the good things, but is this a good way to live? Any advice would be welcomed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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