How to react when a girl talks to you about her insecurities?

[Rozhni]

So this girl has told me recently that she’s been depressed lately because of a tiny tiny blemish on her tooth. To me it’s such a small mark that I honestly can’t even tell, but to her she’s telling me she’s been crying about it and now she’s paying over 5k to fix it (on credit) with money she doesn’t even have...

Also she’s been literally crying because her skin has been more red lately on her face and it depresses her. This causes her to stay home and not want to do anything.

How can help her feel better? Is this just something she can only fix herself?

Do I just listen to her and tell her she’s beautiful and that I don’t even notice it (which is the truth and what I did)?

I wish she didn’t pay the money for that little tooth mark, but she says it’ll make her feel a lot better so I told her to do what makes her happy..

But now it’s the reddish on her skin and idk how she’s gonna fix that..

[DanZee]

It sounds like depression. Like you said, it's no big thing but she's magnified it in her own mind. If you want to try to talk her out of spending $5k to fix it (that sounds like pulling the tooth and putting an implant in) she can order a little bottle of tooth paint for $15 on Amazon. There are also tooth whitening pens and sometimes discoloration like that goes away because your teeth are always mineralizing themselves. I had a dent on a front tooth go away in about a year. It depends on what it is. She might be calcium deficient. The rash can be from stress or it might be rosacea which can be helped through medication. A little Ativan might help too. See a doctor about this.

 

What you should do is keep telling her she's pretty and beautiful and that she's making too much about these things. Take her out and keep doing things that make her happy. Go for walks, go to the movies, go to concerts, keep her spirits up. Even if she doesn't want to go out, convince her to. She will feel better.

[greta96]

And after she somehow fixes the skin redness, there will most definitely be something else she won't like and want to fix, and then something else....you get my drift. And what's going to happen as she ages and things really start looking down? It's one thing to be self conscious about a body part or whatever and even try to fix it, I am not against a procedure here and there if it makes one feel more confident and happier with oneself, but if it gets to the point of getting depressed and literally crying over what could be considered minor issues, you have to realize there are other factors at play here. At the very least she has major body issues, that will never go away, or she suffers from depression, in which case she will need a different kind of treatment than a dental procedure or a face cream. And the bad news for you is that in both cases there is nothing you can do, as the issue is within her. You can tell her until you're blue in the face that she's pretty just the way she is, etc, it won't make a difference.

 

If you want to stick with this girl, just listen to her and be understanding, but don't try to change her mind and convince her not to do anything about her (perceived) flaws. And accept her as is, without holding on to hope that fixing this issue or that issue will be the end of it, because it won't.

[damporkey]

It sounds like depression. Like you said, it's no big thing but she's magnified it in her own mind. If you want to try to talk her out of spending $5k to fix it (that sounds like pulling the tooth and putting an implant in) she can order a little bottle of tooth paint for $15 on Amazon. There are also tooth whitening pens and sometimes discoloration like that goes away because your teeth are always mineralizing themselves. I had a dent on a front tooth go away in about a year. It depends on what it is. She might be calcium deficient. The rash can be from stress or it might be rosacea which can be helped through medication. A little Ativan might help too. See a doctor about this.

 

What you should do is keep telling her she's pretty and beautiful and that she's making too much about these things. Take her out and keep doing things that make her happy. Go for walks, go to the movies, go to concerts, keep her spirits up. Even if she doesn't want to go out, convince her to. She will feel better.

 

I definitely agree

[j.man]

Is she in some form of therapy? Not saying anyone with insecurity should go through it, but wanting to drop $15k on a hardly noticeable blemish seems quite out there, particularly if it's money she hasn't got to spare.

 

How long have you two been dating? It might sound a bit callous, but anyone who's routinely coming to me and literally crying over such things isn't in a position to be an actual partner to me. If she weren't pursuing the proper channels to resolve her extreme insecurities, I'd have to cut my losses and wish her the best.

[DaisyMayPorter]

I think “insecurities” are more things that are on the inside, not skin-related things. It sounds like if she is this upset over a tooth or skin blemish maybe you are not the one who can help her. Like someone said above, she’ll just find something else to not like about herself after this.

[katrina1980]

Roz, so are you actually dating this girl now? Your past threads suggested you weren't sure what you were, have you kissed her yet?

 

In any event, while I agree having a blemish or tiny flaw on one's body isn't fun, it's not something an emotionally healthy and well-balanced person would cry about and fall into a depression over.

 

You have said she's a model, so I gather quite beautiful.

 

So to me this is more of an obsession to be "perfect" and in my experience people seeking perfection are difficult to have relationships with.

 

I don't agree with building her up, telling her how beautiful she is, etc, she knows she's beautiful that's not the problem.

 

The problem is she has an unhealthy obsession to be perfect (externally), and it's never ending. I don't know enough about it to know for sure, but suspect this obsession to be perfect on the outside stems from a feeling of inadequacy on the inside.

 

I think the name for it is "body dysmorphic disorder," Michael Jackson suffered from this, and no matter how many surgeries he had, not to mention thousands and thousands of dollars spent, it never ended.

 

I wish you luck with this one Roz.

[Sportster2005]

It's her issue not yours. You don't have to do anything. You should act in your own self interest. She is not going to change, regardless of what you say and do.