TDW Posted January 29, 2018 Share Posted January 29, 2018 Recently i saw my husband of 15 years had added whatsapp to his phone and had been talking to an ex co-worker. He no longer worked with the company and neither did she. When i confronted him about it he told me she was home in africa and would be coming back to the US and called him to find out if there were any openings at the place they both worked he said he told her that he didnt work there anymore and wasn't sure if they were hiring. I asked him where was the messages that she sent him he said that he deleted the messages which made me think he was lying about why they were talking. After i confronted him he put a lock on his phone. Fast forward 5 months i figured out his password on his phone i open his whatsapp and he i still talking with this woman there were messages from her wishing him a merry Christmas and happy new year him asking her about what she had been up to etc. Then there was a conversation where she had been to a car show he asked her was she modeling at the show and referenced her sending him a car with some star beer in it i could tell by the conversation i was reading that some of the text had been deleted. I asles him why he was still in contact with this woman he offered me no explanation at all. The other night we were out to dinner his phone rings he picks it up and her name was on his screen he wouldnt answer the phone. And told me he doesn't have to tell me anything becuse he hasnt done anything. So the next morning i gave her a call and asked her why she was calling my husband late last night. And her explanation was she wanted to let him know she was back in the US where we live and he knew she was over in africa and asked her to bring him some star beer back because he has never had it before. The whole situation seems odd to me why would some young single woman be calling my husband to let him know she had beer for him he obviously planned to get together with this woman am i wrong for thinking something is off with this. He is currently acting as if i did something wrong to him it would be a different situation maybe if he wasnt trying to hide things from me. But putting a lock on your phone and deleting conversations with a woman just isnt right especially when you are married Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted January 29, 2018 Share Posted January 29, 2018 It sounds like the are planning to meet up. Perhaps she wants a job connection or reference, but LinkedIn would be better for that. Link to comment
j.man Posted January 29, 2018 Share Posted January 29, 2018 You trust him or you don't. Fact is that, despite your invading his privacy, you never found that that one extra straw. Speaking personally, my fiancee and I don't operate on the basis that once you're done working with someone, you're not allowed to chat with them again. If she got on well with a coworker of hers, I wouldn't care at all if she kept in touch, whether for professional networking or social purposes. It's really up to you how big a deal you want to make of this when stacked up against your 15-year marriage. I don't know either of you or your history with one another. But I do have ask, what's your ideal resolution here? He stop talking to her and give you full access to his private correspondences so you can routinely verify? Link to comment
TDW Posted January 29, 2018 Author Share Posted January 29, 2018 He has full access to my phone email etc. In fact i have caught him going through my phone i could care less i have absolutely nothing to hide and im not saying he cant continue to converse with ex co-workers because he has in the past. Its when it becomes a secret i have an issue with it. The last co-worker he was talking to he actually suggested a 3way on a drunk night so yeah i question these so called friends but thanks for the reply Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 29, 2018 Share Posted January 29, 2018 He has full access to my phone email etc. In fact i have caught him going through my phone i could care less i have absolutely nothing to hide and im not saying he cant continue to converse with ex co-workers because he has in the past. Its when it becomes a secret i have an issue with it. The last co-worker he was talking to he actually suggested a 3way on a drunk night so yeah i question these so called friends but thanks for the reply Oh goodness. I can now see where your insecurities are coming from. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted January 29, 2018 Share Posted January 29, 2018 What was your response to this?The last co-worker he was talking to he actually suggested a 3way on a drunk night so yeah i question these so called friends Link to comment
TDW Posted January 29, 2018 Author Share Posted January 29, 2018 I told him hell no and it was very inappropriate for him to even ask me something like that if she is a friend she stays in the friend zone i dont want her in my bed. But im sure if i said yes he wouldnt have had any problem with it. So now its just hard to except these so called friendships with these single women added with him hiding this new one Link to comment
j.man Posted January 29, 2018 Share Posted January 29, 2018 The last co-worker he was talking to he actually suggested a 3way on a drunk nightI suppose it wouldn't be ENA if a game-breaking detail weren't omitted from the initial post. Still, at the end of the day, you chose to remain with him after discovering his proposition for a three-way. You're well justified not to trust him after that, but you need to constructively act based on that fact. It's not a license to police him or his messages. Plus, as you've seen, it doesn't exactly take a grand effort or extreme perseverance to simply delete a few incriminating text messages, making your efforts ineffective if nothing else. Absent marital counseling to navigate the distrust and any causes, legitimate or otherwise, I don't think there's much you can do to salvage matters. Link to comment
Babbsi Posted January 29, 2018 Share Posted January 29, 2018 You likely do have a husband that is at least toying with the idea of cheating. He asked you for a 3 way which makes me question if he wants the experience or is bored with your sex life. Instead of being offended I would’ve become more curious as to why. What would he like to change in YOUR sex life. I’m not making you guilty but after 15 years it’s natural you might be in a rut. This young girl giving him attention might be feeding his ego. If there is any flirtation or sexting it may be a charge that he gets from it that will get out of hand. Link to comment
TDW Posted January 29, 2018 Author Share Posted January 29, 2018 I understand being in a rut. Ive had that conversation with him. Im a very open person when it comes to sex. I wasn't offended that he asked about a 3 way just who he suggested that we have one with. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 29, 2018 Share Posted January 29, 2018 I understand being in a rut. Ive had that conversation with him. Im a very open person when it comes to sex. I wasn't offended that he asked about a 3 way just who he suggested that we have one with. Really? Shouldn't he have run this by you first? If this guy is propositioning co workers, then I am certain that that he has done the same with strangers. I think it is pretty ballsy to hit you workmates up for sex. Link to comment
TDW Posted January 29, 2018 Author Share Posted January 29, 2018 No sorry if i wasnt clear he didnt ask her he asked me to have a 3 way with her. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted January 29, 2018 Share Posted January 29, 2018 OK, so yes his behavior is shady. It does seem like this is not the first time that he might be contemplating cheating, assuming he hasn't already gone there before. So what do you want to do about it? What advice are you seeking? Link to comment
j.man Posted January 29, 2018 Share Posted January 29, 2018 Given that the suggestion itself wasn't offensive, but rather who with, I'm guessing threesomes are something you two do? Or at least consider doing? Gotta be frank. This is turning into a very annoying game of 21 questions with a new revelation every time you post. If you'd care to give us a more complete picture with regard to your boundaries, what trust was actually broken (absent a questionable choice for a three-way candidate), and what implications you think chatting with this coworker has, it'd be helpful in us helping you. Because right now it just looks like his greatest sin is shooting you a sloppy suggestion. If your marriage is that which is fine with threesomes or the consideration of them, fact is he'll likely have a lot of correspondences with women he's got a sexual interest in, former coworkers or otherwise. I mean, I'm not an expert on the topic, but I would guess that dynamic would be pretty intrinsic. Link to comment
Seymore Posted January 29, 2018 Share Posted January 29, 2018 He has full access to my phone email etc. In fact i have caught him going through my phone i could care less i have absolutely nothing to hide and im not saying he cant continue to converse with ex co-workers because he has in the past. Its when it becomes a secret i have an issue with it. The last co-worker he was talking to he actually suggested a 3way on a drunk night so yeah i question these so called friends but thanks for the reply And THIS is why I don't get people who are so quick jump all over someone as soon as they say they snooped, like they're some jerk for not being trusting. Sometimes the insecurity is justified. If you hadn't snooped you'd never have found this out and given the history, you'd likely be strung along for a fool. I wouldn't trust him either. Funny how the conversation changes when a detail like that is given. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted January 29, 2018 Share Posted January 29, 2018 No sorry if i wasnt clear he didnt ask her he asked me to have a 3 way with her. Oh heck no. If he asked you, he likely already asked HER first. it is lower risk to ask her first. Link to comment
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