Taking it offline

[girl1]

I met a guy while I was overseas in the UK, we hit it off and have been talking romantically online since December, after I returned to Australia. Really strong feelings developed between us and he asked me to be his girlfriend, I said no because we were in different countries. But now he wants to come stay with me for 2 weeks and then move here for a gap year in 2019. I'm concerned that things between us will be significantly different in person rather than online and that if we don't connect the same way things will fall apart. My biggest fear is that I won't be attracted to him when I see him in person and he will be hurt and offended, I don't want to lose this friendship or force myself to feel something that's not there. I don't know whether or not to give this a shot because of the distance and the potential that either of us could get hurt. What should I do??

[MissCanuck]

It sounds to me like you have good head on your shoulders.

 

You don't know him very well, by the looks of things. But you seem to know enough to be worried you don't have the same attraction that he does - is that correct? Have you actually met him in person already, when you were in the UK?

 

Either way, I would be concerned about him already asking you to be his girlfriend and trying to plan to move to you. He is getting far too ahead of himself. No, don't make any plans for a move in either direction. You two are nowhere near ready to even talk about that yet. Perhaps you could meet in the middle for a holiday, and then see how you feel. I sense he's getting pushy, so you need to be firm if you're not feeling the same.

[girl1]

Thank you. Yes, not having the same attraction is my main concern tbh. We did meet quiet a few times while I was over there and our families know each other well, so I do know I'm not being catfished or in danger. But it does add another layer of pressure to the relationship if I'm honest.

He has floated the idea of a 2 week holiday in Australia with me, but even then I'm still nervous of letting him down or being uncomfortable.

[MissCanuck]

I think you know, deep-down, that you are not into him the way he is into you.

[Astrogirl]

Well done for standing your ground and allowing your head to rule your heart. If it doesn't feel right or ready then it probably isn't. Tell him he is welcome to visit but maybe not to stay with you. Perhaps he could find alternative accommodation? It is a massive step meeting someone online for the first time especially when from different countries. If your decision affects your friendship then you have dodged a bullet.

[Andrina]

It's really easy to meet someone you have chemistry with anywhere. It happened in the UK, and it will happen, over and over, where you live. Long distance relationships should be avoided whenever possible. For one thing, you cannot date at a normal pace. If he came for 2 weeks, that's too much time together at the beginning, and you will feel guilty if you don't spend every moment together since he spent so much money getting to you.

 

If he moved by you for a year, you would again feel guilty about breaking up with him, if you weren't feeling it, because he made the huge move to be by you.

 

And it is a red flag that he'd want to move by you prematurely. This should only happen if a couple was in an exclusive relationship for a good year.

 

You are stressed out for good reason and you've never once said you might be excited at the prospect of his visiting.

 

What would I do? I'd tell him that after thinking about it, you've decided it's best for yourself to date locally. If he tries to argue with you, disconnect. You don't owe him anything.