Struggling with ex moving on

[Bumblebee093]

I’ve posted something similar in another section of the forum but this is something I really need help on and I can’t understand no matter what I do or say. It’s so hard!

 

I was with my ex for 10 years, we was each other’s first for everything. We got engaged when I was 18 (4 years into our relationship) and was going perfectly until August. We went on a break for 3 months cause I felt there was no efforts on his side being put in, I didn’t see him for 3 weeks at one point and felt we needed a break to seriously think about us and put things into perspective. In those three months he decided to go on a dating site which upset me a lot but I guess we’re on a break? I felt betrayed and ended up flirting with my friend which was wrong :(. At the end of November we met up and spoke about everything and basically got back together. Things were back to how they was but I wanted to take things slow, talk everything out, clean slate before diving head first into it again. He texted a week or so later breaking up cause he ‘felt it was what I wanted’ which I assured him it wasn’t. He rang me up and gave me an hour to come to a desicion whether or not I want us to get back together. Needless to say I was backed into a corner and it didn’t go well.

 

I started to miss him so I thought if I give each other space to calm down I could text him again to talk but he beat me too it but not with information I wanted to hear. A week after us breaking up and days after our 10th anniversary he texts me and says “just letting you know I’m dating someone else”. I was done, hurt, just depressed.

 

I texted him in the new year explaining how I felt and I wanted to make this work but he said it was too late cause “hes Met all her friends and family” and “it’s someone else’s chance now” but then backtracked and said stuff like “I can’t let you go” and “the thought of another man touching my *my name* kills me inside”. And when I asked him the next day he came out with “I didn’t mean it. I don’t love you like that anymore just as a friend”.

 

 

This is me trying to be short, I got better and I thought I was getting over it, I’ve been NC for 21 days and blocked him on fb cause I couldn’t bare seeing photos of them and seeing what people were posting it hurts. His excuse or reasoning is that we didn’t see each other for 3 months (September - November) and the pain he went through then. But my question is. We met up at the end of November twice and it was going really really well?

 

I’m struggling again, I can’t get him out my mind and my heart hurts. Sorry for the long post. I said I wouldn’t x)

[snkv]

Guy's perspective coming from a similar situation (Not the same period, but the same behavior from the Girl):

 

If You initiated the "we need a break" thing, this is where it all ended for good. I don't mean that if he started it, it would not be bad, but this is your main hiccup.

 

Him being on a dating site, and you actually dating someone else is the second stone.

 

While you gave it another chance, you said you wanted to go "slow", which holds zero to none sense. An existing relationship should never be paused and played when needed. NEVER.

 

Everything that he is writing now has only one intent, to hurt you. Truth hurts.

 

Your struggle is inevitable.

 

Delete every single possible contact point, destroy/burn every single present/stuff from him.

 

Date someone new, have a lot of sex with him, it will all pass.

[SweetGirl28]

It appears as if he's trying to hurt you because you couldn't reach a decision to be together again.

And most likely he had this girl hanging around anyway since he had been on a dating site. He chose the one who didn't

have to wonder whether she wanted him or not, that was easier and let's face it, new relationships are fun and

exciting, right? So why stick around an ex and rehash issues when he could just go start over with a new girl?

You are both young, and spent a good portion of your lives together. I'm sure you've grown apart, in different

directions. You're not the 14 year old girl that fell head over heels for him anymore. You're a young woman now.

 

He won't forget you, just because he's with her doesn't mean he's honestly happy. Sometimes things look great

from the outside, but you never know how anyone might be struggling internally.

Take this as a lesson not to play games getting back together if this happens again. Know beforehand if you're

all in for another try, or all out. Being indecisive can make the other person weary of wanting to

wait around for you. No one likes their life tied up, especially when other opportunities present themselves.

 

It's going to take you a while to heal. Distract yourself with friends and go out and have fun.

I don't recommend you start dating though because clearly you're in pain, and it will most likely worsen it.

I do hope you start to feel better soon.

[sputnik123]

Hey Bee,

 

10 years will take a long time to get properly over. There is no other way round it.

 

You have a wonderful response from Sweetgirl. he hasn't forgotten you, but has chosen to move on, without you. Keeping him in your life, in any capacity, will only hurt you. Soon enough you will meet someone who makes you happy/ier. I have no doubt.

 

keep your thoughts on here. Many people in similar situations.

 

 

S x

[Bumblebee093]

Thanks for all your replies. I just want to clear a few things up if that’s ok! :)

 

When he went on a dating site he told me and said he didn’t actually go on any dates and didn’t talk to anyone apart from a divorced woman but he deleted it not long after. I accepted that. I also myself didn’t date someone else just harmless flirting which I told him and he also accepted. The relationship was going very wobbly at the start of the year and it was constant arguments and working it out to start over etc so that’s why I thought (probably not the best idea) to go on a break. When we met up it was a whirlwind of emotions, he was jumping in like nothing happened and ignoring the elephant in the room this is why I wanted to take things slow - be with him but not rush back into how it was for it only crumble again. I just wanted us to talk it out, be honest with one another and say how we felt cause if we didn’t addresss the problems how could we move on? I told him I wanted to be with him but just take it slow to address what went wrong rather than causing more confusion and hurt in the long run - I don’t know if this is the right or wrong thing to do? But it’s done now. I know I probably should have just gone all in or all out but truthfully I loved him so much but I was tired of putting in 100% to be snapped at, called things and moaned at. I was tired of fighting for us but I didn’t want to lose him. What happened was it all blew up and got out of control, no one is to blame here it’s just hurt.

 

I take responsibility for things I could have done better but I just can’t get it out of my head that a week after we broke he’s in bed with a new girl where the thought of another man touching me repulses me. As S probably is aware my emotions are all over the place, I was on the path to some sort of recovery and I was happy, i smiled I laughed and I felt good! But then all of a sudden this has all come back and hit me all at once like a wrecking ball and I’m beating myself up about it and going through the “what if”.

[sputnik123]

hey Bee,

 

yes, i'm fully aware of your thread and the progress you have made. :)

 

The recovery is not a straight line though.. some days are bearable, good even, then BANG, the next few days you feel back in despair...

 

I totally get it. Time is your enemy, but will also become your best friend. It's all you need.

 

You always convey your updates very nicely.. you are clearly thoughtful, clever and caring.. someone will really appreciate this!

 

S x

[SweetGirl28]

In general it's much easier for guys to have sex with someone else than for females.

We tend to attach our emotions where as they just like the "feel good" feeling. Blame our hormones.

 

You're going through the stages of breakup and healing because you reopened the door to the relationship.

Now you realize he closed the door on it. Re-read what you wrote, the arguments, how you felt. There were

reasons for the breakup, and you need to remind yourself of them daily to see this wasn't healthy and that

neither he nor you reached a point in growth where you could calmly discuss the issues.

 

You need time to get through this, and over it. It's really the true healer in the long run.

You don't know what the future may hold, but you have control over the here and now.

You don't need his validation to heal, so try hard to not make contact . It will impede your self esteem from

coming back. You are just as special, amazing, and beautiful without him, and don't forget it :)

[Morello]

A break is a break up in disguise. But don't beat yourself about it, if you decided to take a break, that's probably because things weren't working they way they should anyway.

 

In your situation is normal to give more attention to the good things rather than the bad things about the last stage of your relationship. you're remembering the good times during those 10 years, but are probably not giving enough attention to the bad stuff that happened before your request for a break.

 

Those 'mistakes' were not truly mistakes. You asked for a break for a reason. The two of you flirted with others during the break for a reason. You didn't end up getting back together for a reason. Or many reasons. it's easy for us to focus on our blame for things happening the way they did but in reality it's much more likely that your relationship just ran its course.

[Bumblebee093]

Thanks guys for the replies, what everyone says makes sense. It’s sometimes hard just to wrap your head around all of it. I agree that I focus on all

The good times. He texted me today which really didn’t help and told me that he moved on cause he felt he had too and it was needed. This really set me back again. He also went on to say that I should just go and find someone else... I explained that it’s not as simple as me just moving on like that to be happy and politely said that I can’t talk to him as everything is still raw. He told me not to get upset and that was that. I was stood in the middle of the shop trying to hard to hold back all my emotions.

 

Whirlwind of a day!

 

B x

[MissCanuck]

I am sorry you're struggling, OP. 10 years is a long time, especially when you essentially grew up together in the context of that relationship.

 

But I have a feeling this was a relationship that ran its course, for both of you. You started dating as kids, and now you're adults. We all grow and change so much in that part of our lives, and the young teens you were at 14 or 15 are surely different from the adults you've become. You've really only ever known each other and it appears you're actually both ready to spread those wings. It's not easy seeing him doing so first but I suspect it is your time to do this as well.

 

It won't be easy learning to live without him as a major part of your life, but once you adjust to this new phase, I think you'll find that deep-down, you were ready to move forward from this relationship too.

[Bumblebee093]

Hey!

 

I agree with you in some aspects! I do believe we was growing apart, there was times where I did wonder what it was like to be with someone else but quickly dismissed these thoughts cause all I knew was his world - for 10 years.

 

It came to a head when I got my first job after Uni, I thought if we could survive with me living in another city for 3 years we can basically do anything! but when I got my first job, that i've progressed in, my work hours went up and when i was offered the position I do now which involved using my degree I was so happy! I love it! but the hours went up a little more and was demanding expesh over the christmas period. So trying to get to see him was so difficult and he took it very personally. I think he was expecting it to be like when we was young, where I could leave school/college hop on a bus and get to his in 10 minutes where as now, I leave work at 8pm and can't just hop on a bus and see him then go home to be up at 6am and I don't drive!... yet. His job was just as demanding too. He saw it as he didn't want to 'fit stuff in around my life'. I needed this job to pay for rent, bills etc and couldn't lower my hours, I even was looking for another job.

 

I think it has both ended up with us being so used to each other, we was each others best friend and I don't doubt that he did love me a lot but its hard to let go of someone who was so present in your life. Someone who was there through literally everything and whom you was saving up for a house with, planning a wedding with, ready to have children with. Its such a scary feeling to have that just slip through you're fingers so easily. All that hard work, effort, love, makeups just gone in a blink, so quick and so easy.

[boltnrun]

Have you considered ending contact with him? Seems like continuing to stay in contact is only going to hurt you.

[snkv]

Have you considered ending contact with him? Seems like continuing to stay in contact is only going to hurt you.

 

100% Behind this statement.

[Bumblebee093]

I did go no contact and was no contact until

He texted me yesterday pushing all my buttons which set me off into a frenzy of emotions. I know now why he was doing it but at the time all those emotions that built up kinda just came out all at once. It was a stupid mistake to reply to him. I told him last night that this is the last time I want to hear from him and I don’t want to talk to him anymore cause this is causing more harm than good. The convo started off quite civil,

Normal, like friends but then he started telling me move on with someone else as it will

Make me happy and not to dwell on him and I started to get pissed. Why on earth is he telling me what I should be doing and how

I should be feeling? He started to go on more saying the reason he moved on cause he felt it was needed (not what he wanted??????) which confused me but hey. Whatever. He then kept picking up on my flaws again. I didn’t do this. I didn’t do that. Then told me what his family has said about me. This set me off and I felt the need to defend myself, I was so calm until I popped. I didn’t wanna feel attacked anymore. Stupid mistake and just gave him a reason as to why were are staying split and a reason to show his friends and family why were are split up.

[MissCanuck]

He sounds like he's trying to justify and alleviate his guilt for moving on when you haven't gotten there yet.

 

You're human, OP. I think most would have felt very provoked in your shoes during a conversation like that. But maybe, in some ways, it was a dialogue that needed to happen in order for you to give yourself permission to not be friendly with him right now. It isn't working and you need to preserve your own sanity now. Remember this if and when you feel the urge to contact him.

[snkv]

In general it's much easier for guys to have sex with someone else than for females.

We tend to attach our emotions where as they just like the "feel good" feeling. Blame our hormones.

 

Not to sound offensive, this appears to be strictly individual. Every girl that I know "attached her emotions" to someone else did it completely on purpose, so that the boy can feel bad, then "blame your hormones" builds up the new romance on purpose. I do not thing there is a male who has been heartbroken and swapped for someone else, here that can say the opposite.

 

Women have the ability to "even-out" a situation which only they thought they were being hurt, without any logic behind it.

 

All opinions are welcomed, but experience with the right people has proven this right over and over again, it's just how women's psychology works.