hope19 Posted January 18, 2018 Share Posted January 18, 2018 Hey guys, does this sound like a rebound relationship to you? -guy was head over heels in love with his ex gf but they had to split for reasons that had nothing to do with their relationship, distance. (their relationship was nearly perfect, no real issues), but they are no longer on speaking terms -no one saw the breakup coming, not even him. (I say this because people often say "the dumper has usually moved on for weeks or months before the breakup actually happens") -a month after their breakup he kept telling his ex when she asked that his feelings for her had not changed, he still loved her and thought he might come back one day when the timing is better -he started trying to date a new girl less than two weeks later, when she went crazy he immediately found another girl to replace her and they have been together around 3 months -there is no doubt that if the ex had been in the same place as him, they would never have broken up or he would have chosen her over this new girl -his new gf is VERY similar to his ex from the way she dresses to her smile -new gf has been head over heels in love with him since day one constantly posting about them. she is also extremely insecure stalking the ex gf's social media and mimicking everything she posts within a day after she posts it -before things got serious with this new girl, the guy told one of his friends that she was way more into him than he was into her and that he still loved his ex. -there are little clues everywhere: he never talks about this new girl the way he did his ex, doesn't look at her the same way or look nearly as happy, he made a playlist two months after the breakup all about missing exes and wanting to go back in time and life sucking etc. -he is a rather insecure and sensitive guy who seems to need validation from female attention that he is loved/wanted, it seems like he was looking for any relationship after the breakup and if that first girl after his ex hadn't gone psycho he would have ended up dating her, and if this new gf had gone crazy I have no doubt he would have rushed to replace her quickly, too. I think it's less about who he's with and more that he has to be with someone Does this sound like a rebound? To me it seems like he was rushing to fill the void his ex left and if it hadn't worked out with this girl he would have quickly found another. The only factor that makes me think it may not be a rebound is that they have been together around 3 months now and from what I've heard rebounds usually end within the first couple of weeks or months. Also the fact that the exes are not currently talking. Link to comment
SherrySher Posted January 18, 2018 Share Posted January 18, 2018 Does this sound like a rebound? To me it seems like he was rushing to fill the void his ex left Yeah, obviously. He wants his ex so he finds a girl that reminds him of her. It's pretty clear cut. Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted January 18, 2018 Share Posted January 18, 2018 Girl, you have got to stop tormenting yourself: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=545081 https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=545163 You are idealizing your ex and keep looking for signs that perhaps he still wants you, too. I am sure he cared about you (and likely still does) but it's time for you to let go. You're projecting. Link to comment
hope19 Posted January 18, 2018 Author Share Posted January 18, 2018 Girl, you have got to stop tormenting yourself: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=545081 https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=545163 You are idealizing your ex and keep looking for signs that perhaps he still wants you, too. I am sure he cared about you (and likely still does) but it's time for you to let go. You're projecting. I have been doing a lot better recently, I actually haven't checked their social media since my last post here. But I still get bad days once in a while like this where I can't stop wondering. It would be easier to let go if all the things listed above about the breakup and his new gf weren't facts and solid evidence that she is being used to pass the time. I think I'm always going to have some level of hope, especially since we will be in the same city next year, but I have been working on managing it. The bad days are becoming much less frequent but like I said I do still have them so instead of stalking their social media I come here. Link to comment
SherrySher Posted January 18, 2018 Share Posted January 18, 2018 If you think he is doing this, then why not ask him or talk to him? If he still doesn't want to be with you, then you need to let it go. Yeah it hurts and it sucks about the distance thing but probably a good idea to not get involved with someone so far away. He could be using her to replace you, but even if he is...he is still with her and will continue to be. That said, you really need to go find someone else and make your own life instead of focusing on what they are doing. You can be happy and you don't need to be stuck hurting like this and obsessing about it. Find someone near by and create your own happiness. Link to comment
Clio Posted January 18, 2018 Share Posted January 18, 2018 The ex needs to take this guy off the pedestal and stop keeping tubs on him. He sounds spineless and at the end of the day he gave up on her. Wasting all that emotional energy on a quitter who can't be on his own is a major waste imo. Some man he was. She needs to stop idealizing him. At the end of the day he treated her as expendable and replaced her. He was nobody special. Nobody special would do that. Time to loose the rose colored glasses, stop keeping tubs on this clown and his girlfriend and focus on healing and moving on. Lack of loyalty = no body special. Link to comment
hope19 Posted January 18, 2018 Author Share Posted January 18, 2018 If you think he is doing this, then why not ask him or talk to him? If he still doesn't want to be with you, then you need to let it go. Yeah it hurts and it sucks about the distance thing but probably a good idea to not get involved with someone so far away. He could be using her to replace you, but even if he is...he is still with her and will continue to be. That said, you really need to go find someone else and make your own life instead of focusing on what they are doing. You can be happy and you don't need to be stuck hurting like this and obsessing about it. Find someone near by and create your own happiness. We are not on speaking terms right now, we tried the whole friends thing but it was too hard for me and our last conversation was a fight after he put words in my mouth and basically tried to turn things around on me. My guess was he was looking for justification for the breakup since the circumstances were more than manageable had we tried longer. So he found random ways to make it my fault so that he could have some kind of logic and justification that the breakup was the right thing to do to do because of how confused he was once he got his new gf but was still talking to and in love with me. Unless he reaches out, I am not ready to talk to him, but I can't help hoping for one day especially with us likely being 10 minutes apart next year. I have actually been seeing other guys and having some fun, it has helped quite a bit but I know I'm not ready for a relationship and I would never hurt someone in using them to get over someone else. I've had a lot of down time the past few days home sick with the flu so I guess I've just had a lot of time to think again. Link to comment
SherrySher Posted January 18, 2018 Share Posted January 18, 2018 No man in love with you would try to find justifications to end it with you. You need to see that and realize that this guy is not someone who loves you. Firstly, he would have not let you go and secondly, he would not run to another girl. Move on from this mess. Link to comment
hope19 Posted January 18, 2018 Author Share Posted January 18, 2018 The ex needs to take this guy off the pedestal and stop keeping tubs on him. He sounds spineless and at the end of the day he gave up on her. Wasting all that emotional energy on a quitter who can't be on his own is a major waste imo. Some man he was. She needs to stop idealizing him. At the end of the day he treated her as expendable and replaced her. He was nobody special. Nobody special would do that. Time to loose the rose colored glasses, stop keeping tubs on this clown and his girlfriend and focus on healing and moving on. Lack of loyalty = no body special. Wow, thank you for this I really needed to hear it. I guess it's still just so hard for me to let go because I know him so well and it's hard to accept the breakup knowing we broke up because he loved me TOO much and couldn't handle me not being physically there. He even told me when he first initiated the breakup "I'm surrounded by all of these couples here seeing each other every day and I can't handle it." I almost wish he had just cheated or lost feelings, then I could accept it and not have hope of him coming back one day when he realizes she isn't me. Link to comment
hope19 Posted January 18, 2018 Author Share Posted January 18, 2018 Firstly, he would have not let you go and secondly, he would not run to another girl. Move on from this mess. Any advice for those days where I convince myself that he loves her more than he ever loved me and they're going to be that couple that met freshman year of college and got married and lived happily ever after? I know this is unrealistic, especially given the list of facts that I first mentioned about our breakup and his relationship with her, but my mind can't help jumping to worst case scenario sometimes. Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted January 18, 2018 Share Posted January 18, 2018 Any advice for those days where I convince myself that he loves her more than he ever loved me and they're going to be that couple that met freshman year of college and got married and lived happily ever after? I know this is unrealistic, especially given the list of facts that I first mentioned about our breakup and his relationship with her, but my mind can't help jumping to worst case scenario sometimes. You need to stop checking the new girlfriend's social media, first and foremost. You know far too many details about her and their relationship and you're driving yourself crazy. Also, why would it be the worst-case scenario if they did end up together? Is this guy Mr. Prince Charming Extraordinaire? No, he's human and has faults and flaws and was not the right one for you. You've got some big rose-coloured glasses on at the moment, evident in the language you've used to describe your relationship (being head over heels, or like a fairytale) This isn't unusual after a break-up, but I suspect that in hindsight, you'll be able to identify elements of this relationship that weren't working for you, either. You will someday realize he wasn't the be-all and end-all of boyfriends and it was indeed better for him to go his own way if he wasn't committed to the relationship anymore. Link to comment
hope19 Posted January 18, 2018 Author Share Posted January 18, 2018 You need to stop checking the new girlfriend's social media, first and foremost. You know far too many details about her and their relationship and you're driving yourself crazy. Also, why would it be the worst-case scenario if they did end up together? Is this guy Mr. Prince Charming Extraordinaire? No, he's human and has faults and flaws and was not the right one for you. You've got some big rose-coloured glasses on at the moment, evident in the language you've used to describe your relationship (being head over heels, or like a fairytale) You will someday realize he wasn't the be-all and end-all of boyfriends and it was indeed better for him to go his own way if he wasn't not committed to the relationship anymore. I know you're right, he was my first love and I was his and he treated me (up until the end) how every girl dreams of being treated, looked at me the way every girl can only dream of being looked at and he checked off every box for what I had ever wanted in a guy. So I guess I have him on a pedestal because he was my first everything and so I have nothing real to compare him to, right now to me he was as good as it gets (I know this isn't true, it just feels that way right now). Link to comment
catfeeder Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 I would trust that if he broke up with the ex, then he's done that deliberately. Whether he wants to play the field or find someone else to go long term with is pretty irrelevant unless you're the one who's dating him now. Link to comment
Clio Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 Wow, thank you for this I really needed to hear it. I guess it's still just so hard for me to let go because I know him so well and it's hard to accept the breakup knowing we broke up because he loved me TOO much and couldn't handle me not being physically there. He even told me when he first initiated the breakup "I'm surrounded by all of these couples here seeing each other every day and I can't handle it." I almost wish he had just cheated or lost feelings, then I could accept it and not have hope of him coming back one day when he realizes she isn't me. He did NOT love you TOO much. You need to stop lying to yourself like that. Had he loved you "too much" he wouldn't have broken up. He is just a guy who couldn't handle a long distance relationship. When things got too tough he moved on. The reason he did it was valid but it also shows that he is a guy who places HIMSELF above all else. This girl may be a rebound but you were not that special either at the end of the day. Nobody is for him unless they are physically there every day. His love is conditional based on physical distance. Wasting your youth on a guy like that is a great waste. He was not perfect. Just another human. He does not deserve the pedestal you have placed him on. You need to stop lying to yourself like that. Stop stalking him. You are keeping yourself stuck in the past and have put your life on hold while he keeps on having sex with other girls and carries on living his life. I do get that he was your first love. It was very good of him that he treated you well while it lasted and you should cherish that but you need to accept that your relationship is gone. Had he cheated, you could end up having trust issues with men. Luckily, he was a good guy but he was not perfect and he is no longer the guy you remember. He changed. People change. Feelings change. They evolve. People evolve. What you remember does no longer exists. You have suffered a loss. The person he was no longer exists. He changed. You need to let go of the past and for that to happen you need to stop learning new things about him. He is no longer the same person you remember. He is like a ghost of that person. That person you remember was lovely but he no longer exists in relation to you. You need to accept the loss, mourn, let go and move on. Link to comment
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