saltlife Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 Hi everyone, So I am really struggling on what to do in this relationship. We went on our first date in the beginning of October and it was great, through out October and November things were going amazingly and I feel like I met my perfect match. Now as we were getting to know each other we both realized that we have some baggage. I was in a long term long distance relationship for 6 years where we were engaged and it ended very badly with my heart broken about two years ago. I was angry and hurt and shut myself off from the world. About 8 months after the breakup I started dating again and went through my "serial dating" as I like to call it phase. I dated a lot of girls and I found something wrong with every one of them even if they were great. I stopped for awhile again and then I met my current girl friend. She was perfect everything that I thought I wanted. And we hit it off great. Her baggage was that she was total party girl through college. Loved to get drunk on the weekends and have a good time. Which is the complete opposite of me. About two years ago she was diagnosed with Crohns and almost killed her. Right after that she started dating a friend that she would party with and they got engaged December of 2016. He was abusive, always drunk and just toxic. She caught him cheating in June and called everything off. We got together in October and we shared the same values had similar stories but asked that we take things slow. Which I was fine with. Through November things were going good and started to speed up and we both were falling in love. Right after thanksgiving she was going on a cruise with her two old roomates. She left on the day she was supposed to have gotten married. Since the cruise things have been going down hill. She has slowly becoming more distant, she started partying more going out with friends getting drunk, and then feeling terrible because of her disease and getting mad at me for trying to take care of her. I have been trying to give my all and it seems like there is something there after she came home. New Years Eve we decided to stay in together where early in the evening she had a breakdown, saying she was empty and not feeling anything and it wasn't fair to me, that she should be falling in love but hasn't. We talked and seemed to resolve things. The next day she said that maybe she needs to find herself and we sort of broke up. Until that evening when she called that she was wrong made a terrible mistake and could not lose me. We talked patched things up and are still together. The problem is I still feel like she is drifting away, not affectionate, uncaring, and just going through the motions.She has just started a new job and said she is trying to focus on it but I can't help notice the difference from before the cruise, and the distance since new years. Sorry for the long post but I'm just not sure if I should end things, everytime I try to talk she insists everythings fine and that we are fine. I just don't know what to do. Thanks! Link to comment
Andrina Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 Maybe she's fine, but you're not. It's now the four month mark, where the rose-colored glasses normally come off. The highs of a new relationship have worn off, and reality has set in. If she's mad at you for taking care of her, maybe subconsciously she has low self esteem and doesn't think she's worthy of someone so caring. Perhaps when she's not in a dysfunctional relationship, she's out of her element. Or maybe you've made her your entire world and foregone time with your own friends and hobbies/interests and it's smothering to her. You tried dating her and found that she drinks too much for your liking, isn't affectionate and is distant. If it were me, I'd end things so I could find someone who is closer to my idea of and ideal partner. Life's too short to settle. Link to comment
saltlife Posted January 17, 2018 Author Share Posted January 17, 2018 Right I mean she didn't live that life style in Oct- Nov it just seemed after that cruise. And then its been slowly fading I know with starting a new job last week and she has a long commute it can be hard. But I mean we were constantly talking and being together. By her choice and mine. I know this is not what I want the relationship about but we were having regular sex, its now been 3 weeks since the last time. But if she is fading away and not interested anymore why is she hanging on? It was like a slow down and then a complete 180 in the relationship around new years. Link to comment
saltlife Posted January 17, 2018 Author Share Posted January 17, 2018 I'm 27 and shes 25 btw Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 Sorry to hear this. It sounds like she's far from ready to date. Make sure you don't try to fix her broken heart, drinking problem, health problems, emotional issues, etc. Let her go to heal herself. She has obviously not dealt with anything and continues to be on a self-destructive path. You can't rescue her. Go no contact and move forward in the meantime. two years ago she was diagnosed with Crohns and almost killed her. got engaged December of 2016. Right after thanksgiving she was going on a cruise. She left on the day she was supposed to have gotten married. saying she was empty and not feeling anything and it wasn't fair to me, that she should be falling in love but hasn't. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 Her abusive relationship ended in June and in the worst possible way, catching the scum cheating. You met her barely two months later. I very much doubt that she is in any shape to be dating or has had a chance to really heal and deal with her past. She isn't emotionally or even mentally available and in a good place to make a good partner to anyone. The way she is acting is quite frankly consistent with someone who is working through a lot of bad stuff. Sadly, you are the rebound in this case. Comforting to have around, but at the same time not possible for her to be available to you in any meaningful way. Link to comment
PICCOLLO Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 She doesnt sound ready for anything serious and given whats happened thats no surprise. This may change over time but are you prepared to support her over the next 3-6 months, not getting what you want,in the hope things will change? Link to comment
catfeeder Posted January 18, 2018 Share Posted January 18, 2018 Her baggage is too new. She's rebounding. Link to comment
Morello Posted January 18, 2018 Share Posted January 18, 2018 Looks like a classic rebound, unfortunately. She's not ready to date and will just hurt you in the process. I went through the very much same thing recently and my ex said the very same things that yours said. She ended up breaking up at around the 3 months mark. I wouldn't break up with her straight away but would give her tons of space. Perhaps if you get proactive and communicate with her that you'll be together but will give each other space and time to hang out with friends and family and focus on hobbies, work, etc, maybe you can get a different outcome than mine. Given what you described, I find it unlikely but it looks like it's worth a shot. If you break up, chances to rekindle later as probably very slim. I found from my experience and other similar situations I read and heard about that people who rebound tend to see it as a mistake later on and try to move on completely from it with little or 0 contact with the person. Her feelings for you will probably disappear (or have disappeared already) as quick as they appeared. It's an unfortunate situation to be in and you'll be questioning if she ever felt anything for you at all at some point. Link to comment
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