I'm really kind of worried about sex

[SparklingKaren]

In short, I've had sex four times in my life and they've all been pretty painful. The last two times I have bled, and the last three times I kept shaking afterward. I just chalked this up to inexperience and because it was with someone who was just using me and treating me badly I told myself that when i found "the right one" sex would be intimate and loving and special.

 

Well, the last time I had sex, about a month ago, we didn't use protection. It was very stupid, but it just happened. I decided to stop having sex until I found the right one after that, but I got scared and went to take an STD test at the health center at college. Apparently they have to do a pelvic exam and I didn't know this at the time. Well the nurse (I didn't know nurses could give those kinds of exams) said that i was just too tight and she couldn't perform the test. She said she couldn't even get her finger in there (i started crying and said it hurt).

 

She said that I was too tight to even be having sex. Maybe she has a point..it hurt when he fingered me. She told me that I shouldn't be having sex and that it would take months of being with a guy before I could have sex. She said that he would have to work on me for weeks, maybe months, using his fingers and having sex for very short amounts of time.

 

I thought I had it all figured out, but first of all the idea that it should take that long for me to be able to have sex makes me kind of frustrated. I'm not ready now, but when I am ready I don't want to have to go through all that for months. And I'm terrified that no guy will have the compassion and patience to go through that with me. That's really a lot to ask a man. I don't know what I'm doing and it still hurts, but I never thought that I would need someone to be patient with me and have to deal with me hurting so much for so long.

 

I was a wreck over this for weeks. I felt really helpless..like I'm too tight and too inexperienced and that it would be so much easier if I didn't have to ask a man to go through this with me..if I didn't have to make someone go through so much frustration in order to have a fulfilling sex life with me. Even the last guy I had sex with wanted to stop having sex because it wasn't good for him when it hurts me and when I'm upset afterward. I'm just upset over what she said and worried that I won't find anyone who's willing to spend so much time, effort, patience and compassion. In other words I guess I just don't know if anyone will ever love me enough to go through all of that.

 

Am I completely off base in believing what the nurse told me? Are guys really willing to spend that much time and effort on a girl who is particularly tight when it still hurts a lot and she's inexperienced? Any input would be really appreciated. Thanks!

[allein]

i'm no doctor but i can't believe the nurse didn't mention masturbation to you. You should work on it yourself. find out what you like etc. Buy some small toys. They make very small toys in addition to regular and large sized ones. I would say you should explore yourself before letting a guy do it. A guy isn't going to know how to touch you right if you have so much sesitivity and pain. You should explore yourself. Use a finger, a small toy, and definitely get some lube.

Good luck and don't worry so much! Enjoy, explore, and learn. If it hurts you, stop or try something smaller. If it still doesn't improve, I suggest seeing another doctor. Good luck!

[kayjay]

Well, some guys are willing to wait for that stuff and help you get through it. I was with my ex for a year and a half and like i didnt want to rush the whole sex thing on her because she always seemed to be scared of it, well we took baby steps and everything and now i think shes comfy with it. We never actually ended up having sex because she left me for other relationships... lol nothing to do but laugh that one off

[DN]

You should see a gynecologist for an expert opinion.

[whatfor]

You said you only want the right guy, so if you do find him, then he will be happy to go through all that with you.

 

 

who's willing to spend so much time, effort, patience and compassion.

 

What about yourself? its your body, go explore and help yourself yourself. A guy would use figers, so use your fingers first, figure out what and when and how it hurts, use toys or bananas if u dont want to buy any.

 

I also went through this painfull thing when nothing worket, so i had to work it out myself and when i got together with the right guy, he was caring enough to at least use lube (which my ex didnt) and to be gentle.

 

good luck! (dont forget to always use lube, its not only for the first time! )

[ayekasong]

I completely agree with DN. You need an expert's opinion on this, and a gynecologist would probably have more ideas for helping you.

[arwen]

As DN and Ayeka suggested- go see a gyneacologist. The symptoms you describe can be part of Vaginism. There are therapies for this to train yourself to relax the musculars that tighten up everytime there is intimate contact.

 

About what allein said: is it different when you slip in a finger yourself, or: are you able to use tampons when you are having your period?

 

Take care,

 

Ilse.

[SparklingKaren]

yeah..i was able to put a finger, but i didn't really put it very far. And I do use tampons during my period. Months just seemed like an awful long time to work up to having sex with someone. Thanks for your advice and compassion..i was just a nervous wreck for a while there. I don't mean to get ahead of myself (i'm not seeing anyone) but it was just bothering me quite a bit.

[Stinkweed]

Any guy who is not able to wait for you to be ready, is not worth your time. I mean, sex is a thing done by both ppl in the couple... not one single person decides when the right time is... I just wanted to say that... I hope what the others have said has been more helpful. Best wishes and good luck.