Blowing hot and cold new guy

[katrina1980]

You know what? With respect, not getting into this.

 

You have misinterpreted my words, interjected your own spin based on how 'you' feel and what 'you' have experienced, and don't have the energy to correct you.

 

As I said, I respect the choices you have made for yourself. Hopefully, you can respect mine.

 

You do what works best for you, and I do what works best for me.

 

Let's leave it at that.

 

Have a great night!!

[Batya33]

You know what? With respect, not getting into this.

 

You have misinterpreted my words, interjected your own spin based on how 'you' feel and what 'you' have experienced, and don't have the energy to correct you.

 

As I said, I respect the choices you have made for yourself. Hopefully, you can respect mine.

 

You do what works best for you, and I do what works best for me.

 

Let's leave it at that.

 

Have a great night!!

 

This is what I responded to -quoting:

 

"I suppose I am just a bigger risk taker than many women.

 

I am a strong girl, and KNOW I will be OK no matter what happens afterwards, which is why I am able to take the risk."

 

You too! Was just responding to your opinion comparing yourself as a bigger risk taker than many women . I respect your choices and respectfully disagree that your choice to have sex when and how you do makes you a bigger risk taker than many women or than any other woman. It just means you're willing to take that risk and of course it depends how much of a risk it is to you (so individual of course). I don't think that twists your words.

 

I certainly respect your choices - it's your body to do with what you want and you're certainly not hurting anyone - you're a single adult and so are the men you referred to and obviously you both consented, etc. It wasn't based on how I feel or what I have experienced -it was based on my opinions on what having sex early on and being comfortable with it can mean -I think it can mean lots of things depending on the individual - positive, negative, neutral. That was where we differed. It's an opinion so it's not about "correcting" and I am sorry if I misinterpreted your assessments/opinions.

[katrina1980]

^ Ok, thanks for clarifying, it's all good.

 

I can certainly handle and even appreciate when people disagree with my 'opinions,' but when it comes to my own personal choices, and what works best for me, my relationships and my life, disagreeing with what are essentially 'my' choices, based on "your" personal choices, gets me a bit wound up.

 

Unless of course I ask for such feedback, which I did not. This is not my thread.

 

I understand now though, and my bad, I am probably overly sensitive in this regard. Apologies.

 

And of course the written word is often very ambiguous so misunderstandings and misinterpretations are par for the course.

 

But again, it's all good, and need to learn to not get so wound up about these things!

 

Especially since I know perfectly well how I myself often dish it out! LOL

 

Have a good night.

[Imho]

 

And from the men I've spoken to about this, when a woman intentionally waits, they often see it as manipulation, which it is in my opinion.

 

And he becomes disheartened and turned off.

 

If you feel a chemistry, have sex when you're both comfortable. That's genuine and honest.

 

I agree if two consenting adults want to have sex they should be it on day 1 or day 99.

I disagree that a woman who wants to wait is being manipulative.

Even if they have chemistry some women want to wait and get to know the guy

If he feels that is manipulative and disheartening as well as a turn off he needs to just move on to the next person.

Waiting isn't always about game playing.

[katrina1980]

I agree if two consenting adults want to have sex they should be it on day 1 or day 99.

I disagree that a woman who wants to wait is being manipulative.

Even if they have chemistry some women want to wait and get to know the guy

If he feels that is manipulative and disheartening as well as a turn off he needs to just move on to the next person.

Waiting isn't always about game playing.

 

I know, and understand, please read my subsequent posts.

[Batya33]

I never disagreed with any of your personal choices. I agree no one should. You are not being overly sensitive to dislike if someone disagrees with your personal choice of the right time for you to have sex.

[Honeycomb8]

I think it's not always about emotional well being. I can detach from sex, but I choose to wait bc I want to at least know I'm sleeping with a good guy and not just anyone simply cos I'm sexually attracted.

[katrina1980]

I never disagreed with any of your personal choices. I agree no one should. You are not being overly sensitive to dislike if someone disagrees with your personal choice of the right time for you to have sex.

 

I realize that now, that was just my initial interpretation.

 

Shoot, gotta run and get ready! I'm late as usual, too distracted by this forum today, ugh.

 

It's been fun though, good chat.

 

Nite everyone!

[Batya33]

I think it's not always about emotional well being. I can detach from sex, but I choose to wait bc I want to at least know I'm sleeping with a good guy and not just anyone simply cos I'm sexually attracted.

 

Yes, same here and the risk that you're "wrong" decreases over time especially if you truly get to know him in person and in different situations. In the OP's case he seemed like a good person over the first 4 dates as he was busy and yet spending his free time with her, etc. but many people make that choice in the very beginning especially if the thrill of the chase/getting to know a new person on a fast track is a turn on.

[j.man]

While I don't necessarily agree with the ' you slept with him too soon if you want a relationship' mindset, I find it to be subtle sl*t shaming, I do feel it's important to recognize the female point of view, or maybe the importance of it.

 

As I'm sure you know, many women associate emotion with sex, we don't seperate the two, some can but many can't. More often than not, if a woman who just slept with a man and he pulls away is on here asking advice, it's because she slept with him too soon, gained a false attachment and is now freaking out. So telling her she slept with him too soon is in fact true. If a woman can't handle casual sex, sleeping with a man before establishing where things stand or at the very least reaching a point of comfort with whatever outcome, is going to be a bad idea.

 

That's not treating sex as a commodity, that's recognizing the emotional importance sex has for certain individuals. You don't have to understand it, but at least respect the different ways men and women process things. The advice is centered on the woman.

I regret not being able to follow up sooner as I think my point was taken and run off into something way different.

 

It appears I should have gone into more detail on this part of my post.

 

Base your sexual activity on your comfort level, not whether you arbitrarily increase or decrease your chances with a guy or whether it will have an impact on his "effort."

 

This would include holding off until you get an explicit commitment if you're the type to need that due to being the type to develop such an emotional attachment. I'm by no means suggesting women betray what they know to be their own comfort level and boundaries.

 

My response was primarily addressing another poster who stated (something along the lines of) "Now that you gave him sex, he doesn't need to put in the effort." That is commodifying sex. I of course agree that emotionally safeguarding yourself or holding off if you know you're the type to let sexual chemistry disproportionately bias your outlook on someone isn't. The reason I posted more generally rather than quoting the poster (when it appears I should have) is because the whole idea "make him earn it" or a guy losing an interest in an actual relationship simply due to early sex is a theme is very common around these forums.

 

In short, I agree with a lot of you a whole lot more than you probably think. Holding off is important for a whole lot of women. But it's also important to do for the right reasons.

[figureitout23]

I regret not being able to follow up sooner as I think my point was taken and run off into something way different.

 

It appears I should have gone into more detail on this part of my post.

 

 

 

This would include holding off until you get an explicit commitment if you're the type to need that due to being the type to develop such an emotional attachment. I'm by no means suggesting women betray what they know to be their own comfort level and boundaries.

 

My response was primarily addressing another poster who stated (something along the lines of) "Now that you gave him sex, he doesn't need to put in the effort." That is commodifying sex. I of course agree that emotionally safeguarding yourself or holding off if you know you're the type to let sexual chemistry disproportionately bias your outlook on someone isn't. The reason I posted more generally rather than quoting the poster (when it appears I should have) is because the whole idea "make him earn it" or a guy losing an interest in an actual relationship simply due to early sex is a theme is very common around these forums.

 

In short, I agree with a lot of you a whole lot more than you probably think. Holding off is important for a whole lot of women. But it's also important to do for the right reasons.

 

Ah, gotcha, thanks for the clarification. I agree.