lonestar89 Posted January 9, 2018 Share Posted January 9, 2018 All my life I've had problems with my family. In August 2015 I had to move back home with my mom. When I was growing up I thought that my father was doing all of the toxic bs but now that I've lived with grandma for almost three years I see that she's had a hand in it too. My dad used to tell me I was too stupid too accomplish anything now his mom is telling me I'm too fat to be desirable by anyone. Recently I decided to go back to school and move on campus (even though I'm a little older than most of the students that make this decision; I'm in my late twenties). I told my friend ( not my boyfriend because I didnt want to get into anything too serious) and he told me that I needed to stay home because my lack of patience (ie not wanting to deal with grandma) would cost me. He too is in a toxic relationship. While I understand him being concerned for my safety my instincts are telling me that he's afraid of the door that (potentially) opened for me and he wants to make sure I stay back (misery likes company). To be clear he WANTS me to CONTINUE my education....just not on campus. Sometimes I'll cry thinking about the toxicity of the whole situation. When that happens I get reminded that I have to deal with her and that I didn't grow up worse than him. Without him saying so it appears that I'm being a spoiled brat that needs to be the hell over it (this is how my family acts as well). Am I being a brat? Is 2018 the year of me ending this relationship or the rest of them for that matter? Link to comment
DancingFool Posted January 9, 2018 Share Posted January 9, 2018 We don't get to choose our family, but the day we become legal adults, we get to choose what to do about it. When you recognize that your family is toxic and is getting in the way of you accomplishing what you want, being happy, etc. the usual solution is to move out, move away and distance yourself as much as possible. You don't need to make it dramatic, such as disowning them or cutting all contact. Usually a good bit of physical distance does wonders in and of itself. So, move out and move on with your life. If you feel that your family has badly affected your self esteem and has otherwise possibly caused some damage, then use the school to get some counseling for yourself to help you heal and deal with those issues so that you can have a happy and successful future for yourself. It's all in your hands. How much your toxic family continues to affect you or not, is your choice at this point. Link to comment
panther Posted January 9, 2018 Share Posted January 9, 2018 Leave home if you have the chance. These are horrible things to say to a daughter or granddaughter and you don't need this. Your family should encourage you and not put you down like that. Leave and don't look back. Get counseling if you can, I am sure you had to put up with this your whole life and these things cause damage your self esteem. You are not being a brat, you are doing the right thing and congratulations for having the good judgement and courage to get out of this mess. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 9, 2018 Share Posted January 9, 2018 Leave and let the bs end with you. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted January 9, 2018 Share Posted January 9, 2018 A "friend" who gives you horrid advice like this is no friend. I told my friend and he told me that I needed to stay home because my lack of patience (ie not wanting to deal with grandma) would cost me. He too is in a toxic relationship. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 You're learning why adults leave their family homes and forge households of their own. Your toxic 'friend' is giving lousy advice. It's not your job the play amateur therapist to historic ingrained patterns of family members. Your job is to outgrow your roots and spread your wings. Family visits are a thousand times easier when you're objective rather than subjective--avoid embedding yourself in the mess, and you will have the 'patience' to humor all of them on your family visits. The best 'help' we can be to our families is to grow independent and DEMONSTRATE new behaviors rather than playing old roles and pretending we're not in charge of our own buttons. Rise above the battle ground, and you'll thank yourself later. Link to comment
lonestar89 Posted January 20, 2018 Author Share Posted January 20, 2018 New development in the story: I brought it back up and he said that the west side (the location location of the school; I live on the east) is dangerous (fact) and that's why he doesn't want me to go Mind you I went to school this past semester as a commuter and he didn't want me to get on the bus for the same reason. But now there's no doubt that I'm going because my period came a an early (sorry if that's tmi but I said that because that is a definite sign of stress). In the meantime I'll try to find a job (even if its just McDonald's) so that I can save $ for supplies and potentially housing in between studying. Link to comment
lonestar89 Posted January 20, 2018 Author Share Posted January 20, 2018 A "friend" who gives you horrid advice like this is no friend. He thinks I'm going to put myself in a more volatile situation trying to escape 😒 Link to comment
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