Should I respond to his ex?

[DyanH123]

Hi

I posted previously about my current boyfriend who still has issues with ex.

Despite the issues he is having we have continued our relationship as we are both committed to each other and I know given time things will settle down.

Problem is still his ex.

She doesn't want me to be around him when he has his kids until I respond to her messages she has sent me via facebook.

I have never responded to any messages as I have told him I don't want to get involved and I don't see what good it would do anyway. She has sent me messages about what kind of a person he is (who would form an opinion of someone based on what their ex says anyway) and others about how she has been pee'd off about his behaviour, that he is not doing the right thing by his kids (not true). She claims all she wants is some kind of apology from me which I think is not necessary as to me she is still just trying to control and manipulate him, it is not my place to tell him how to be a father. My opinion is it is up to the two of them to determine how to co parent their children. I was considering sending her a message just saying I don't mean any disrespect by not responding to her messages and that I am not here to become between the kids and their dad and that I just do not wish to be involved in any discussion/issues that should be between them. I am just thinking that one day it is most likely we will meet and I would like us to be able to be civil to each other. I keep my distance at the moment when he is with his kids so they can spend quality time with their dad and not think that I am more important than them, we have the rest of our lives together after all. Even though it is up to him to improve this situation, I cannot decide whether contacting her would be helpful or not? Any thoughts please?

[boltnrun]

Is he still spending an hour on the phone with her while you're over, or has he stopped doing that?

 

What does she want you to apologize for?

[Starlight925]

I responded on your other thread, but I’ll respond here as well.

 

No, absolutely do not correspond with his ex in any manner. You’re absolutely correct in that this is not your place nor your business. If you do choose to correspond with her, you will open the largest can of worms on the planet.

 

Furthermore, you need to make it clear to him that she is crossing boundaries into your new relationship that are simply things that you cannot live with. He needs to understand that any further communication between him and her need to involve only the children. It would also be best for him for the meantime to communicate with her only via text or email.

 

This will be difficult if not impossible for him to adhere too, because he is accustomed to providing emotional support for her. He will argue with you that she is the mother of his children, and therefore he needs to provide the support for her. All that is great, except it is not conducive to a new relationship. Very few women will put up with this in a new relationship.

 

I’m sorry to say that I just don’t believe these communications will end anytime soon, if ever.

[nutbrownhare]

Yep... unfortunately I don't think these communications are going to end any time soon, either. As for demanding an apology from you - what on earth is she talking about?

 

You are absolutely right not to get involved with her, unless you're someone who thrives on drama. If you are in a position where you meet her, be polite and friendly the way you would to anyone else and don't get sucked in. But cross that bridge when you come to it, and don't waste your time by trying to smooth the way before you do. All you can do is decide how YOU will conduct yourself, and even if you do your very best to be nice to her there's no guarantee that she will respond in kind.

 

It's up to him to set clear boundaries with her and it doesn't sound as though he's doing so - at least not yet.

[indea08]

Idk, I kind of am on the other side of this because I was a single mom for awhile. Depending on how long you've been seeing your boyfriend, I don't see why you and she haven't communicated at all. If you've only been seeing each other 6months or less, then I agree with your approach. But if it's been more long term, not so much.

 

If my daughters (bio)father were actually involved in her life, and had a serious girlfriend, I'd absolutely want open communication between her and myself. I wouldn't want anyone being around my kids who literally would not even speak to me. Honestly, I would even hope for a friendship. However, I'm also not a "crazy" ex.

 

Based on the way the ex is speaking down upon your boyfriend and demanding apologies from you, I'm betting maybe she is a at least a "slightly crazy" ex? But then again, you've done pissed her off by completely ignoring her. So in her situation, is she thinking "this girl is happy to be around my kids and be a step parent, but won't even speak to me, their mother"? Or is she just trying to be controlling and confrontational?

 

Bottom line, if you want to date your boyfriend long term with the end goal of marriage, you might as well do what you can to facilitate a good relationship between ALL of you, ex included. If you've tried that, and the ex just isn't having it, then I would take you current approach.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. It's your bf's responsibility to assuage her fears about a new gf being around her children. This message may be better than ignoring her. Send it then block her from all messaging .

I was considering sending her a message just saying I don't mean any disrespect by not responding to her messages and that I am not here to become between the kids and their dad and that I just do not wish to be involved in any discussion/issues that should be between them.

[DyanH123]

He has stopped talking to her when it is not in relation to their kids

She wants me to apologise for him being late picking them up because he was with me. He knew the time, and he was only 20 minutes late, so really?

And for not calling them New Years Eve, um we had been drinking so really why does he need to call when he already arranged to see them New Years Day, they hadn't discussed him calling that night.

 

 

LHGirl and nutbrownhare I agree with you totally, which is exactly why I haven't responded to her to date. To me it could just possibly create more drama.

I am tending to lean toward crossing that bridge when I get to it in terms of us meeting each other.

But if it does continue I may do what Wiseman2 suggested send the one message if continuing to ignore her creates more problems

 

Thanks everyone for your input I really need to hear other people's perspective when I have never had to deal with this kind of situation before. Cheers.