Why do some guys always want to be the good guy on good terms with their exs?

[Sabrina918]

This baffles me. Whether they have an amicable and good breakup or a bad one (which abruptly ends after 8 months of deep care) they still stick around on the sidelines and "like" posts and wish happy birthdays and holidays?

 

they wanted it to End, why do they want to see what you're up to?

[Starlight925]

So they can have you available for a hoover (like the vacuum) whenever they need more fuel from you.

 

Keeps them top of mind for you and you can't move on, and you're thus weaker next time they like or comment.

 

Answer: block from all SM, delete #, complete NC.

[Sabrina918]

So they can have you available for a hoover (like the vacuum) whenever they need more fuel from you.

 

Keeps them top of mind for you and you can't move on, and you're thus weaker next time they like or comment.

 

Answer: block from all SM, delete #, complete NC.

 

You always have such great advice.

[Starlight925]

You always have such great advice.

 

LOL thanks, it unfortunately comes from very similar experience to what you're going through, and all the research/therapy I've done about it.

 

Look, this is a bad guy, and he will never be the same wonderful man from the beginning. That was only used to draw you in, and now, you are addicted to it. Imagine addiction to a drug or alcohol, and the only way to beat it, is complete abstinence. Studies have shown similar dopamine reactions from his likes, comments, texts, as from cocaine.

[Morello]

I respectfully disagree. Personally, I find that there's a negative energy arising from knowing there's resentment from or towards someone I care about. Unless the break up was bad enough that made further contact impossible, I think is recomforting when the last contact (message, phone call or meet up) was an amicable one. And this is regardless of being the dumper or dumpee. Not sure about continuing "metty christmas" kind of messages though cause I think these are just bread crumbs.

 

Not sure this is a trend for all guys though. I've seen some friends who couldn't care less after a break up. I do. It's probably a personality thing. Part of it is probably about my need for being accepted and/or validated. I get that. But for me the majority is about being released (and hopefully releasing the other) from any anger, resentment, guilt, etc, from the relationship and the break up.

 

In my last break up, it happened amicably, until a few weeks later we had an argument over messages with some angry/resentful comments (nothing disrespectful though). People say things in the heat of emotions. I'm over her and I respect the fact she didn't wanna be in a relationship anymore. But the fact that she can't let go of the resentment makes me sad. But anyway, that's life.

[SweetGirl28]

I don't think (in general) that it goes much deeper than just pure curiosity on their part.

Liking posts doesn't mean a whole heck of a lot, if anything, and reaching out on a bday or holiday

really doesn't either. Think about it, why only contact at those times? Is it expected?

It certainly would be better not to. What, in reality, makes those days any different than any other day?

If they really, truly cared, they would send a text or call on any day, not wait for an excuse to.

[milly007]

Because they want to be liked, and being on good terms with their exes makes them feel better about themselves in general.

 

Could be an ego thing.

 

I once had a boss who would tell me that he always remained friends with his exes. He was a pretty sensitive guy, cared about what other people thought, wanted to be liked, and had a massive ego. He seemed to try to be the white knight/hero in a lot of situations at work.

 

When I read the title of your thread, I automatically thought of him...

 

That said, I think it's a bit of an ego booster.

[rosephase]

Personally I want to be friends with some of my exs because I still love them and care deeply for them. Just because our relationship didn't work doesn't mean I stopped giving a sh*t about them. However, when I'm thinking about how to care and be caring for ex-partners, I put a lot of thought into how both of us are doing. If we've healed. If they are ready to be friend. If I am ready to be friends. For me it's not about appearing to be a good guy or a bad guy it's about finding a way to keep people I care about in my world. If it works for both of us.

[Sabrina918]

Personally I want to be friends with some of my exs because I still love them and care deeply for them. Just because our relationship didn't work doesn't mean I stopped giving a sh*t about them. However, when I'm thinking about how to care and be caring for ex-partners, I put a lot of thought into how both of us are doing. If we've healed. If they are ready to be friend. If I am ready to be friends. For me it's not about appearing to be a good guy or a bad guy it's about finding a way to keep people I care about in my world. If it works for both of us.

 

You see here's my problem. We went on a break, he lied, went with another girl and essentially we cut all contact. Yet the same man who treated me like dirt and stopped taking my calls and overnight let go of all the respect he had for me continue to like photos and watch every story, even commenting when I broke my wrist "oh no"! Not how. Not are u ok. Just letting me know he's watching. I just don't get it.

[Hollyj]

If you blocked, you wouldn't have to "get it."

 

If he didn't treat you well, then why keep a connection?

[SweetGirl28]

You see here's my problem. We went on a break, he lied, went with another girl and essentially we cut all contact. Yet the same man who treated me like dirt and stopped taking my calls and overnight let go of all the respect he had for me continue to like photos and watch every story, even commenting when I broke my wrist "oh no"! Not how. Not are u ok. Just letting me know he's watching. I just don't get it.

 

No one lets go of their respect for you overnight. That was building up.

And in the future, realize a break most often means a break up. Treat it as such.

When an ex is preoccupied with someone else, they drop off the radar with contact.