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These walls feel so close right now.

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My husband and I were together for 7 years before we got married (we're 28 and 29). In the first few months of our relationship, I had gone to study abroad in Japan for 3 months, and then when I got back, he went to the other side of the state for college. We spent the summer, and the next year together (I started at the sale college the following fall), and then I was there on my own for 9 months because he had graduated and I hadn't yet. Upon returning from school, I changed jobs, he started his career, and we did the usual thing: bought a house, got puppies, and then got engaged. We've now been married since October. And I'm beginning to freak out.


I have plans to go to Norway with my dad and sister in a few months for 11 days. My sister and I planned on going to Italy with our mom this coming Sept, and my husband and I thought that after that, we would talk about starting a family. That trip has been pushed back until 2019, so now we are trying to figure out if we should wait until then, or consider having a kid before I leave, which would put us beginning to try as early as a couple of months after my Norway trip. That's less than half a year away.


Now that I am potentially in the year that I may start having kids, the less appealing it is. It's incredibly selfish, but I like being able to do things spontaneously. Friends text me about going to see a movie later that night? Perfect. I want to take my day off and drive to Seattle and just wander? Excellent. I want to go see a country I've never been to before? Let's go. I've always been this way. My husband isn't like this as much: his idea of spontaneous is taking a mutual day off and going to one of three places. He thinks it's strange that I want to do things myself, or with just friends. He doesn't understand that sometimes I don't want to have to worry that he's having fun, that I'm not ignoring him to talk to my friends.


But, back to the main issue: I don't like the idea of never being able to do that again. My sister in law has two kids: 6 and 1. She rarely goes anywhere without them, does anything that doesn't involve them. She can't watch a movie, have dinner, have a conversation with another human without one of her boys demanding something of her. It takes her an hour to leave the house because she has to get them ready. With a baby in the picture, I can't have the spontaneity I desire. The more we talk about having kids, the more I feel the walls getting closer and closer. It's putting a strain on my new marriage because I don't know how to bring this up to him.

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Does this mean that you never want to have kids or that you just wish to postpone it for a few years? You are not required to have children right away.


However, it sounds like you got married because it was the "usual" thing to do, without thinking it through properly. That's a very irresponsible approach. A marriage is a partnership and a lifelong commitment, not something you do because "everyone is doing it" and the same goes for children. You and your husband are supposed to act as a team, yet what you describe is a singles' mentality.


In addition, kids are indeed a life commitment. However, people who are ready to have them, know that and are happy to give up their former freedom for the joy of raising them. If you consider children a "chore" then you should not have them until you come to consider parenthood worthwhile.


Overall, it sounds like you are not ready to have children. You need to discuss this with your husband along with what marriage means to each of you. Frankly, these are talks that one would expect that you would have had before getting married.

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There are couples who travel round the world with children. Or couples taking trips every weekend with little children. Every now and then I read an article like that. Or about a single mother who wanted to travel so much, she started some fair trade business involving her travelling over Africa with her little daughter.


Usually for people having a kid means putting other dreams on hold for a bit to take care of that responsibility, because it takes a lot of energy to be a parent, especially a working one. But other scenarios are possible with good organization, support of family and if it is something both parents want. A few day trips would be doable, if your husband is going to support you in that time. But you definitely need to discuss these things. It sounds like you have a feeling that you might have incompatible lifestyles and needs and he is not going to support yours. You need to clear that up. What kind of family adventures would he consider having? A kid often makes parents experience more fun like ZOO, walks, camping, biking trips, a lot of family attractions. Would it be a lifestyle that you would both want? For you, having a kid would mean changing the spontaneous alone adventures for organized family adventures involving your kid. It's different, but doesn't have to be boring. Would it be something you could enjoy? A kid is normally more like a dog than a cat when you want to travel - people usually take kids with them and make plans that would make everyone happy rather than leave them with relatives.


So think about how you see your future and talk to your husband how he does. If he doesn't understand your lifestyle needs, you might have married not the most compatible partner. But things are that are solvable, sometimes through counselling, sometimes through learning through life changes if both people really love each other and are willing to open up to a different approach.

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It is actually good thing that you are trying to address your thoughts/feelings about starting a family. Many women and men ignore or do not realize it. Then they can not embrace the parenthood whole heartedly and often miss the joy of raising a child. Please talk to your husband about it. There is nothing wrong with wanting to wait and no way to address this once baby is here. Be honest. Having kids when one of parents is not ready can place a lot of stress in the family, and kids are the ones who get affected.


I also sense that it is not about waiting till all your trips are done, but you are just not ready yet. Then your husband needs to know that.

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Living/being and clocking-time together for seven years created false marriage momentum.

Now you're trying to use the same substitution technique (vs. compatibility/genuine love), to try and answer future family questions.


You'll most likely fail on both counts.

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