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'FWB' halted and totally confused


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I'm a 34 male and 'fwb' is 30 female both UK. I put it in inverted commas as she hasn't tried to stay just friends and the benefits (actual sex) was too long ago (once back in Feb)...but she's been abroad so it's long distance.


Important about the girl...shes emotionally unavailable!! Never speaks about feelings and only talks on the surface about things. She won't open up and tbh haven't really tried to get her to.


Bit of a story but will keep it short...


Met her back in 2011 through mutual friend, dated briefly, intimate but no sex. Got her into bed but she didn't want it. We met couple more times and fizzled out.


Lost contact for 2 years and back messaging every now and then in 2014.


2015 I meet up with her a few times but was only ever just friends. Went for a cycle ride and run etc as hobbies in common.

Christmas that year I was at hers and end up sleeping together and date her for 2 months with lots of sex, dates, dinners, went away for the night etc.


I ended up saying we should be friends after she seemed to freak out over a picture I sent her of the two of us, that made us look like a couple (bizarre I know). **


We then don't speak really for months until half way through 2016 she invited me to a running event out to Asia where she's working. Long story short but I ended up going out there, although she never chased me to go... Only went as everything worked for me. She invited after she saw something I did on fb. She never actually thought I'd go.


We had sex once whilst there. That was Feb this year and hadn't seen each other for a year at this point with only a handful of messages sent. She asked me how we should continue straight after sex and I said to carry on as we where. But the rest of the time I was there she refused any kind of sex/intimacy. Had an argument end of week and was left as just friends.



March this year, so a few weeks later I said to her that maybe something could work between us. She agreed and it was difficult this year but did have fun together. (which is basically Fwb!!!)


She was back in UK in May and we'd agreed to catch up. Although nothing was actually planned (she is a good organiser so thought it was odd). Anyway she blows me off both times over the week she was back in May on the days we picked to meet. I took this as a test to see how I'd react...and just said, nevermind, maybe next time.


July comes around and she says she's back UK end of Aug and wants to catch up.


I agree..she mentions 2 weekends to which I was free. The first she plans a day out and we end up kissing in the pub and I'm playing with her boobs. I ask to come back to her place but she had to be up early for a run.


At this point she thinks I'm unavailable to make the next thing that she had planned 2 weeks later and that was something that would involve me staying over. (sex to happen). So if she wanted sex, it would have been the first day when we went out.


Anyway as it happened I ended up staying at hers for one night 2 weeks later. We were intimate (lots of kissing, and I fingered her but we never had sex. We went out for the planned run morning after then hit the pubs.


When I left she said she was confused and wondered if it was just friends. I then referred back to the message I sent her start of this year about making something work. She just said about the distance etc wouldn't make anything work. Ended with just passionate kissing.


We've text a few times since and I sent her one message saying "I didn't want her to think it was just sex". I'm kicking myself for that as that wasn't event true (I'd have happily had sex but it just didn't happen...i didn't make much of an effort tbh).


Since then I've heard from her once and this was over a month that ago. Also there's a new guy she's seeing.


I know she's commitment phobia and think that message killed it as she was still sending the odd message until then (the week after, so back mid sept). This also referenced the pic I sent as she went quite after that...again,.a sigh of commitment.


I know for a fact that's she's only had 2 bfs and the longest was 1.5 yrs. But we've known each 6.5 years off n on


I'm kicking myself for not having sex once more with her but last time we did, a day later she just wanted to be friends. Just feel that she might have been more up to meeting at Christmas now, if we'd f**ked.


It was never f*** buddies as we'd always actually go out and do stuff.


** The pic I sent her must have freaked her out I'm sure and there was no other guy at the time we dated for 2 months end of '15. I thought it at the time but kinda accused her of seeing someone else when we had an argument in Asia, a year later.


I guess I've kind of lost a potential sexual encounter in the future. Any ideas if anything might happen again?

It's been left in a state in that she thinks i don't want sex unless it's going somewhere (which is untrue). Maybe give it a few months and say there was someone else on my mind at the time, hence not having sex last time?? (she mentioned the new guy when I asked about anyone else, when at hers, so she must have recently met him). It's not a case of her thinking that I couldn't make the move.


TL;DL. Long distance fwb gone cold on me after last interaction involved no sex. She thinks i want more and know she's commitment phobia. Last had sex back in Feb and there's a new guy on the scene.

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'FWB' halted and totally confused


What is it about an FWB that is NOT confusing from the start?


I'd get clear about whether or not I'm relationship material, and that's the standard I'd hold to any potential partner. If we're not a match in that regard, then no messy FWB stuff--I'm moving forward.


Last had sex back in Feb and there's a new guy on the scene.


There's nothing confusing at all about that.

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I get what you mean about it being confusing and yes we never spoke about it. It's more the case that we could have had sex 3 months ago and wondering the fact we didn't might have caused her to lose interest. We were however sexual with kissing etc


Also she didn't want to be fwb as she kept saying the didn't want the 'benefits' when we last slept together in Feb. But was up for it last time in Sept, knowing full well nothing proper would work

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This is what's known as a complicated relationship. But in a way, it seems like your friend likes manipulating you, using sex to control you. This time you get it, this time you don't. She likes that you keep coming back for more.


I had a similar relationship for 10 years with a friend from college. It doesn't go anywhere and sometimes it's heartbreaking. It ended when I found an uncomplicated relationship. That's what I advise you to do -- find an uncomplicated relationship.

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She's dating someone, OP. This is why you don't hear from her anymore.


This sporadic, long-distance FWB situation wasn't sustainable. Sure, it's fun when it's convenient but it's not what relationships are made of. It ran its course for her.


I agree - to me as an outsider, it's not too confusing. Between the distance and her meeting someone else, I see why she hasn't called you in a while. Sorry! I'd work on finding some new women to date and/or FWB.

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Thanks all for the replies.


I can accept the fact she's seeing someone new and I knew it wouldn't be anything forever between us (she said that after I asked her earlier in the year - the day after we had sex) but that was after I technically ended it a WHOLE year earlier.


I'm mainly wondering if the fact we didn't have sex last time (3 months ago in September) and then giving her the impression of being together (when she's commitment phobia) would have completely put her off...as in scared her away??


I know I shouldn't care but I just can't help it...i feel like an idiot.


Who's to say that even if we had a real good time in the bedroom that she still would have got with the other guy.


Just feel that the length of time we've known each other and what's gone on would account for something. But I feel I can't say any of this to her as it'll look needy and they say the person who cares least holds the most power. I've given all my power to her. Haven't spoke in 5/6 weeks.


Basically she now thinks I don't want to have sex with her unless it's going to go somewhere...but back when we last had sex, she didn't want the 'benefits' and refused anymore sex when I tried??


So so confused. I know I should just forget it but I can't right now.

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