Men do you ever feel like you are being used for sex by your gf???

[lunanoir94]

I have been with my long term bf for four years and we are having a child together and he still often acts like all I care about is his private parts. Obviously he must know deep down it's ridiculous because I love him to death and we have been through so much. Due to circumstances sex has even been off limits for the last 2 months and we've gone without it before so it's not like I am constantly on him. But there are times if I say something about wanting it he goes off about how I only want him for his _____ and blah blah blah ? I will say I am very sexual I like to please my man and be intimate with him it is my way of showing love, maybe sometimes I can show love other ways but I thought most men love this type of attention he seems to intrepret it negativley sometimes. Even the other day after we DTD I made a joke about "the D was worth it tho" and he's like you mean *I* was worth it. I think he's being serious. I told him before I love his ____ because it's part of him and I love HIM . I would not want to be with anyone else I don't like casual sex but I just think he takes everything like I am secretly just in it for that which is so untrue and silly . I don't know where he gets this idea that he was being used .

 

Also I treat him very well and praise his ego for other things not just sex. At the end of the day obviously we wouldn't have got this far if I was only wanting that from him and I know sometimes I can be a bit much if he's not in the mood but it makes me sad he has these thoughts because I truly love him down to the core :(

[rosephase]

Have you asked him if it’s a joke or if he really feels that way?

 

I’ve asked partners to stop joking about things that are close to home. Like, I get that this could be silly/funny/teasing but it gets close to my actual fears and insecurity. So if it’s real let’s talk about it. If it’s a joke can you not? Because it hits on real insecurities.

[j.man]

"Used" is a bit of a harsh term. It implies he wasn't an equal participant or didn't enjoy the sex for what it was, which I don't simply assume, woman or man.

 

That said, even when I was younger 20s and could wrestle in bed a couple times a day, I've pretty much always been with women who had higher sex drives than me, and it's not so much feeling "used" that's an issue, but the sexual expectations. I'd be lying if I said that chances are a guy's going to be perfectly happy with those expectations, but fact is some aren't. So it's not about odds, but rather who your guy is. If he feels he's being held to a certain sexual standard, then don't say, "the D was worth it." It'd be kinda like me arbitrarily throwing out there, "Your pu$$y was tight, though." Some women might appreciate it, but you gotta gauge your audience.

 

Again, I won't say it's necessarily a norm for men, but I have at times felt sexually "smothered." Like when a lady starts to cuddle or make out with me, and I know the end-game she expects. Once it gets to that point, it starts to become a turn-off. So, again, just gauge your audience appropriately. If this becomes a long-term issue, where you're just exceptionally sexual and don't want to deal with the politics of a guy who isn't matching you, then it could be a matter of sexual compatibility.

[lunanoir94]

Have you asked him if it’s a joke or if he really feels that way?

 

I’ve asked partners to stop joking about things that are close to home. Like, I get that this could be silly/funny/teasing but it gets close to my actual fears and insecurity. So if it’s real let’s talk about it. If it’s a joke can you not? Because it hits on real insecurities.

 

I didn't outwardly ask but there are times we've had actual arguments about it so I know it is something on his mind before.I think more times lately it is more playful with a hint of seriousness but I take it pretty serious

[lunanoir94]

"Used" is a bit of a harsh term. It implies he wasn't an equal participant or didn't enjoy the sex for what it was, which I don't simply assume, woman or man.

 

That said, even when I was younger 20s and could wrestle in bed a couple times a day, I've pretty much always been with women who had higher sex drives than me, and it's not so much feeling "used" that's an issue, but the sexual expectations. I'd be lying if I said that chances are a guy's going to be perfectly happy with those expectations, but fact is some aren't. So it's not about odds, but rather who your guy is. If he feels he's being held to a certain sexual standard, then don't say, "the D was worth it." It'd be kinda like me arbitrarily throwing out there, "Your pu$$y was tight, though." Some women might appreciate it, but you gotta gauge your audience.

 

Again, I won't say it's necessarily a norm for men, but I have at times felt sexually "smothered." Like when a lady starts to cuddle or make out with me, and I know the end-game she expects. Once it gets to that point, it starts to become a turn-off. So, again, just gauge your audience appropriately. If this becomes a long-term issue, where you're just exceptionally sexual and don't want to deal with the politics of a guy who isn't matching you, then it could be a matter of sexual compatibility.

 

Yes I understand the smothering can be a turn off. My only other relationship the guy was more like me x10 and loved this kind of attention so maybe I just need to adjust the way I talk about him I just think it is a way to boost ego. It's not so much in person I am smothering him as we live apart currently and aren't even around each other that much. I would never leave him because of sexual compatibility (unless he was always denying me) I just don't know why he thinks this way sometimes when we have spent years together and I've done a lot of romantic gestures and caring non-sexual things for him!! I am not sure where this rationale comes from. But I know that the language I am using at times may be too harsh like you say so I guess by now I should know to scale it back and that he prob doesn't see it as a compliment :/

[DanZee]

Just to let you know, unless you've been advised by a doctor, you can have sex during pregnancy as long as it's comfortable. Some women actually get very horny through the different trimesters because of hormones. You didn't say what medical condition you have that would prohibit it. Just wanted to let you know.

 

I think some men don't like it if the woman is always making the first advances. He wants to feel like a man, and some take that as being the leader in the relationship. But you can wind him up. Tell him the baby is making you feel horny or you've been thinking about him all day. Get him so excited that he has to make a move. Men have frail egos and they do like it to hear that THEY made you horny, rather than just the thought of having sex. As they say, you can catch more flies with honey than with whatever. A little verbal sex can lead to a great deal of physical sex even at your stage of having a baby. Besides, you will have to rest up a bit after the baby comes, so it's best to do it when you're feeling that way.

[SherrySher]

It's all about balance. You want to let him know that he turns you on but you don't want to make him feel pressured or that every time you start to cuddle you're only wanting sex.

 

Sometimes if you cuddle with him, just cuddle. Enjoy his company without any expectations.

 

Let him know you find him attractive but then let him take the reins on where it goes sexually. Some men like being the ones more in control, or at least half of the time.

[thealchemist]

Well honestly it sounds like he just isn't as sexual as you are and maybe he makes jokes about it because he is insecure and not able to express it in a more mature way.

 

My wife used to joke about it like that some. It didn't bother me but it seemed to bother her even though she was the one to joke about it.

 

I ended up just having a very real conversation about it and discovered that she was just insecure about it because she secretly was afraid that my really high libido would make me end it with her. Since her libido is a bit lower than mine.

 

After addressing the real reason she was like that we worked on it and tried to alleviate her insecurity in other ways.

 

Everyone will sometimes have issues expressing themselves in a mature way, especially when it is something they care about.

 

If he is just very disrespectful about it then he needs to understand how that makes you feel and stop being an ass.