Colver Posted December 15, 2017 Share Posted December 15, 2017 I am about to turn 50, i worked hard all my life and almost two years into a divorce. After 25 years i asked for a divorce because i could no longer take the loneliness and feeling of helplessness. After some time has passed i feel it was the right thing to do. As i lay here and think at night i cant help to think that my marriage and many other things i failed at are the result of me not having set boundries in just about all my relationships. I would describe myself as a "Good Guy" hard working, smart, easy going. I have always worked and made a good living. I will not dwell on mistakes or issues and will just push on to resolve to get it behind me. I never get angry when people dont do as they say or what is expected. Instead i feel i let them down because i wasnt good enough to communicate needs more clearly. I pursued mental health treatment for the marriage and myself. The therapist i was seeing just prior to the divorce brought boundries into the conversation and i have been thinking about them ever since. The trouble is i think and see how not having them has caused much difficulty in my life but i still cant figure out how to set them and keep them. I have a new relationship and i already feel like i havnt been clear on what my boundries are and may of caused issues in the relationship already. The real trouble is if i had to say what my boundries are i probably couldnt. Because of this i think most people have little respect of me. What todo... Link to comment
SherrySher Posted December 15, 2017 Share Posted December 15, 2017 If someone does something or says something you don't like or find hurtful, you need to voice that. Don't jellyfish out or think it doesn't matter. This is the whole premises of setting boundaries. You need to teach people what is and isn't okay, what you will take or won't take. It's as much for your own happiness as it is theirs. Anything less will be living a lie. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted December 15, 2017 Share Posted December 15, 2017 I think that you set yourself up for problems. You are currently dating someone who is not emotionally stable, practically homeless (you support her) and talking to numerous men - all of this in one year. It seems that you are setting yourself up for drama and failure. Why in the world would you chose this woman? I suggest you return to therapy to get to the root of your problem. Also, why do you continue telling us that you are a "good" and "nice guy?" That's strange. You should not have a need to tell people this. Do you have a tendency to see yourself as a victim? Link to comment
Colver Posted December 15, 2017 Author Share Posted December 15, 2017 But i think because im the type of person who does things for others when i do say somthing i think it sounds alien to them. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted December 15, 2017 Share Posted December 15, 2017 I don't understand? Why are you dating this woman???? Link to comment
Hollyj Posted December 15, 2017 Share Posted December 15, 2017 http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/stop-being-treated-like-a-doormat.html https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imperfect/2017/03/assertive-communication-stop-being-a-doormat-and-regain-your-self-respect/ Read the links. There are many that will help with your doormat tendencies. Get counseling to understand why you allow poor behavior, and have bad taste in women. You seem to bring chaos into your life. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted December 16, 2017 Share Posted December 16, 2017 The therapist i was seeing just prior to the divorce brought boundries into the conversation and i have been thinking about them ever since. The trouble is i think and see how not having them has caused much difficulty in my life but i still cant figure out how to set them and keep them. I have a new relationship and i already feel like i havnt been clear on what my boundries are and may of caused issues in the relationship already. The real trouble is if i had to say what my boundries are i probably couldnt. Because of this i think most people have little respect of me. What todo... I'd start by getting specific instead of speaking vague jargon. What does a 'boundary' mean to you, and what are the problems you're referring to? Link to comment
Colver Posted February 19, 2018 Author Share Posted February 19, 2018 I'd start by getting specific instead of speaking vague jargon. What does a 'boundary' mean to you, and what are the problems you're referring to? I did exactly this and was very clear on how i define interactions with the opposite sex should be handled and how my belief that there is seldom a platonic relationship between two unmarried people. Because of that belief I will have significant dissonance with and for me it means ending our relationship as I will not change the belief I hold. Link to comment
Colver Posted February 19, 2018 Author Share Posted February 19, 2018 http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/stop-being-treated-like-a-doormat.html https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imperfect/2017/03/assertive-communication-stop-being-a-doormat-and-regain-your-self-respect/ Read the links. There are many that will help with your doormat tendencies. Get counseling to understand why you allow poor behavior, and have bad taste in women. You seem to bring chaos into your life. I did and continue to do counseling and left a 25 year marriage because of some of the recommendations in those links. Thank you for the links I don't think I have bad taste in women I just did not have boundaries with the close female/family relations in my life. I as I develop and learn to voice these boundaries things do improve in those relationships. When you don't have boundaries I think it is a welcome mat for chaos to enter your life. I will continue to be mindful as I develop my self awareness more. It has been hard to speak for myself but I will continue to try Link to comment
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