Any tips?

[ZeddsDed]

It has been a long year since I began the breakup of my 5 year long relationship with the father of my children.. but only 3-4 months or so since the protection order was put in place and he was removed.

It was an abusive relationship, which is something I struggled to come to terms with or even believe.

 

The guilt I felt at the beginning has turned to anger towards him. Sometimes I'm unsure if I still love him or if it is hate.

Because of the amount of material I read regarding abuse, I now have a paranoia that everyone that comes into my life is abusive. I am weary of any contact between myself and another man and I usually chalk it up to him having a hidden agenda and stop the contact all together.

 

When will this paranoia stop!? Will I ever heal from this? I don't know how to think, how to act, what I like or dislike. I don't even know who I am anymore... he controlled every aspect to the point that I am lost now.

 

Will I ever know who I am now or am I forever lost?

I would really appreciate any feedback, especially from those who may have suffered from abuse as well.

[nao]

I think changes will happen slowly, so be patient there, it doesn t really matter the speed, forward is forward, right? The best thing is that you got out, be proud of yourself for that, most people doesn't get that far...

Sure, all traumas changes us, confuses us, make us doubt ourselves, take away hopes, strength, life, everything... In my case what really helped was going back to the time before trauma, going back to the time when everything was still possible, just the way once I imagined, once I found that memory, it remained that first stone I started to rebuild my life on, might sound silly, but sometimes you just need a simple thing to move on...

 

Being a mother also helps me a lot, I bet it helps you too, kids can be huge comfort and source of happiness, so just focus on that more for a while, just take it easy, allow yourself to rediscover life again, in your way, no pressures, once you ll feel comfortable again, you will see, that statistic are wrong, if you respect yourself, truly allowed yourself to heal, there is no way to attract same kind of guys ever again, because you will just simply know the difference just by looking at them... but if you want to be happy with someone again, you need to learn how to be truly happy alone first, sorry there is no other way around... you will arrive there, in small steps, and if you push it every day a little bit, if seems impossible to do it alone, ask professional help, a good therapist could also be great support... Hugs!

[DancingFool]

Can't erase 5 years in just 3-4 months. Be kind to yourself, be more patient with yourself. Don't date, don't even try right now.

 

You discover you one day, one step at a time. Simple things like putting something where you would like it to be and not where he told you it should be. Try to make some new friends, try out some hobbies, something to do here and there and see how you like it, what sticks and what doesn't. Before you even consider dating again, you've got to become happy and comfortable being single. Content, truly content and solid within yourself and who you are. So that when you start dating again, you are looking at men not from a standpoint of fear or need, but with clear objective eyes.

[DanZee]

I think it may be too early for you to start dating and that you still need more time to heal. Having this paranoia is a symptom of this. But also consider that as you grow older and you are attracted to older men, a lot of the good ones have been taken. So your paranoia is somewhat justified. But you still need time to find yourself and recover. If you do go out on dates, try keeping it casual and take time to figure out what kind of guy you are dating before getting too involved.

[willdation]

I'm sorry to hear about what happened, but I can honestly say that it is definitely possible to change your mindset and move on....

 

I was also a bit worried after finding out my gf was planning on cheating with this famous NHL hockey player, and after that I had this stupid idea popping into my head that perhaps most women prefer to date rich and famous celebrities and would cheat if having the option...

 

But that is not true at all....Even my mother was being chased by some famous hockey player who played for the Detroit Red Wings, and she chose my dad

 

I even at one point thought that I just would not trust anyone until the trust is earned......and boy was I wrong....

 

I then came across a really great book (Awaken the Giant Within) and what was written there profoundly changed my outlook......

 

What I learned was that what you FOCUS on is where you will end up. What you fear, you attract.

 

Think of the analogy of a race car driver. When they are heading towards a wall, they do not look at the wall, but continue looking and focusing on where they want to go. If they stared at the wall, that is where they would end up and crash...

 

Instead, think of how amazing your life will be once you finally meet someone amazing who treats you right. Focus on this instead and you will feel a lot better....

 

(unrelated topic....but do you like the band Zed's Dead?)

[Broomwood]

I'm sorry to hear about what happened, but I can honestly say that it is definitely possible to change your mindset and move on....

 

I was also a bit worried after finding out my gf was planning on cheating with this famous NHL hockey player, and after that I had this stupid idea popping into my head that perhaps most women prefer to date rich and famous celebrities and would cheat if having the option...

 

But that is not true at all....Even my mother was being chased by some famous hockey player who played for the Detroit Red Wings, and she chose my dad

 

I even at one point thought that I just would not trust anyone until the trust is earned......and boy was I wrong....

 

I then came across a really great book (Awaken the Giant Within) and what was written there profoundly changed my outlook......

 

What I learned was that what you FOCUS on is where you will end up. What you fear, you attract.

 

Think of the analogy of a race car driver. When they are heading towards a wall, they do not look at the wall, but continue looking and focusing on where they want to go. If they stared at the wall, that is where they would end up and crash...

 

Instead, think of how amazing your life will be once you finally meet someone amazing who treats you right. Focus on this instead and you will feel a lot better....

 

(unrelated topic....but do you like the band Zed's Dead?)

 

I read this book too years ago, and remember having a mega shift in my mind as a result. Good recommendation. Based on what I know now from quantum physics, the so called observe effect, shows us this that is true at the level of subatomic particles. Where you place your focus is everything.

[ZeddsDed]

Thank you so much for ALL the feedback. I work closely with the women's shelter and have a counsellor/support worker that I see every few days and she is amazing.

 

I agree with everything put down here.. to be honest my outlook on life has been amazing since I left. I'm excited, no longer feel held down or trapped, I can talk to old friends again, I can do whatever I like. That alone has me feeling better than I have in years.

I know I'm not ready to date, like nowhere near close enough to being ready. Plus right now I'm so darn busy with work, my 3 children and getting us all healthy again fully completely takes up every second I have.

I have had men message me on Facebook, ask me out and so on in the past month or 2. I went on a date with a guy a couple of weeks back and it actually made me feel insecure so I knew that it wasn't time for me yet. I just wonder when and if one day I'l ever truly think that not all men are programmed to be abusive if that makes sense..

I would just like to feel at peace.. I feel that I put on a fake persona, like everything is fine. Nothing has happened, I go to work everyday chirpy and I am always in a great mood. My close friends have asked if I'm okay because they worry about the fact that I haven't shown any real sadness yet. I keep wondering where it is and when it is coming.

 

Today was a random day that I felt down, I was worried about things to come, if I'm doing a good job with my kids etc.

 

I also often find that I just don't know who I am anymore. On a night I put my children to bed and think about what I would like to do for that spare hour... and I don't know. It's a strange feeling. Feeling lost.

 

Thank you for the book recommendation, one thing I do a lot of now is read and i have been looking for something worth while!!! I'l check it out!! And Yes, love Zeds dead. How did you know.... Lol

[reinventmyself]

I also often find that I just don't know who I am anymore. On a night I put my children to bed and think about what I would like to do for that spare hour... and I don't know. It's a strange feeling. Feeling lost.

 

Just be patient. I went thru something similar.

 

I remember recounting a story to my therapist about something my exH did that was really cruel.

I looked at my therapist and asked him if that should hurt. I had become so disconnected from my own thoughts and feelings having had someone in my face telling me who I was

for so long. It's a pretty text book consequence to being in an abusive relationship.

 

The beauty of this is it does come back, subtly, slowly and in layers. It also took a very long time.

Hence my user name Reinventmyself.

 

You've just been given another chance at carving out a life by your own design.

Reach for the stars!

[DancingFool]

You have a lot going on and a lot to process. Maybe limit your FB access to your friends only, so you don't have men messaging you for dates at random.

It takes time to put yourself back together. Even longer to get to a point where you are emotionally solid enough to dip a toe in the dating pool and feel OK about it. Think a year or more.

 

As for feeling lost for that hour.....I mean you are supposed to feel that way, because that drives you to do something about exploring, thinking, figuring things out. The discomfort you feel is the driving force of the self discovery. If you are sitting content, then you won't lift a finger, right?