Am I being unrealistic.

[TrustingMyGut]

I have met a lovely man that always keeps in touch. Purposefully does "standard" nice things. Makes me dinner, buys me flowers, says he loves me, tell his family and friends about me. Made a strong commitment statement pretty early on. I have never had this before, I am mid 30's. I want to have a family and have a loving relationship.

 

My background: I have two long term relationships that ended with both of them holding on to me until they found the woman they wanted to marry. I trusted and loved them, in return I was lied to and slowly degraded.

 

I met this lovely gentleman right after I found out my ex married the woman he had been cheating on me with.

 

This lovely gentleman knows my background.

 

The issue I need help with is my discomfort regarding his female friends, and the way I have not been able to resolve my discomfort.

 

He has several female friends that he had romantic interest in, but they friend zoned him. Some he kissed once, one is an ex fiance. They are now "great friends" of many years.

 

As I write this, I guess my issue is he does not respond with concern when I have been upset, or concern about his relationships with women that are platonic. However, the friendships seem to have a tinge of a crush aspect.

 

Recently he mentioned how a good friend was someone that he would have dated but it never worked out. It made me feel bad, I didn't say anything because I have raised a fuss over other instances.

 

I am wondering, is this a guy thing? Do they all say emotionally stunted things?

 

I don't want to be unrealistic and end a relationship over a complaint that everyone has to deal with, but I am not emotionally growing closer to him and he is pressuring me to get married and move to a rural area where I have no satisfying job options.

 

Would appreciate your thoughts

[Hollyj]

I think that you need to deal with your self esteem issues or you will sabotage a good thing.

 

How long have you been dating?

 

the rural area bit that would be a big problem. Why don"t you find a home that is closer to work? Do not give up your professional life.

[DancingFool]

No, dragging a trainload of ex's and crushes turned "friends" is not a gender thing, it's an individual with problems thing. So you are correct to be wary of that. It's not exactly a healthy thing to do and shows a certain incapacity to let go of the past. Not to mention that it will get in the way of new relationships.

 

How long have you been dating and how well do you really know him? Some of the sweet things that you describe raise an eyebrow in a not a good way. Pressuring you to get married and move out into an isolated area where you'll become isolated socially and dependent on him for income is a huge red flag. Don't ever give up your career and financial independence for a man, not to mention social independence.

[DaisyMayPorter]

He sounds like he could be a nice guy - buying you flowers, etc. But he should not be pressuring you in any way, and he should not be asking you to move anywhere you don't want to move. The one thing you need to ask yourself is: are you in love with him and do you want to marry him? Forget about what he wants. What do you want?!

[thealchemist]

I would not be comfortable with my SO having a friend group mostly composed of failed romantic interests.