Figuring Out How To Let This Friend Go

[sidneys]

So a good friend of mine/former co-worker (or ex-friend now I guess) recently lost her job and it caught her by surprise. She missed half of scheduled working days last year, and about half of her days this year due to a number of illnesses she has. Whenever she was absent, I made sure everything with her lesson plans was copied and taken care of (we're teachers). Sometimes she would call of ahead of time, and then there were times in which she called off at the last minute. I knew that administration wasn't always happy with the fact that she called off at the last minute, but I constantly rallied in her favor because when she was present, she was an excellent teacher. Well unfortunately she continued to call off at the last minute, and sometimes she would be gone for more than a week at a time. As a result, the administrators had decided they had had enough and decide to let her go.

 

Obviously when she found out the news she was extremely upset and I wanted to make sure that I was there for her. I tried to go and talk to her after they had given her the bad news and she said she didn't want to talk that day, which I understood. I just sent her a couple texts over the next couple of days to encourage and support her. She never responded to my messages and then a couple days later she sent me the following text, "I'm not ready to talk about things right now. You've always seemed to be a good friend and perhaps our paths will cross again one day." I was shocked and confused by the message. I did respond and wished her the best of luck. I couldn't understand why she was pushing me away, but then I found out that she was talking about me to another co-worker and she believed I was responsible for her losing her job (which I wasn't). When I found out she was bad-mouthing me to different people I decided to text her and let her know that I was only trying to be her friend and I would never do anything to put her in harm's way. She then apologized and said she wasn't mad at me, just upset that she didn't get to "say goodbye" to the kids. I thought we were okay again after having talked it out, but all of a sudden after about a week and a half she stopped contacting me again, and wouldn't respond to any of my texts. She has even blocked me on Facebook. I was trying to figure out what she thinks I've possibly done to her this time. I'm very hurt by how she has treated me, especially since I've gone to bat for her dozens of times to defend her absences and unorganized way of handling absences and I never rubbed that in her face. I don't want to be friends with her again at this point, but I still feel hurt when I think about how unreasonable she's been and how she refuses to believe that I've been a true friend to her. How can I finally let her go out of my mind once and for all?

[Batya33]

I'm so sorry you were treated this way. My take on this - at least some of the "illnesses" were not legitimate or they were but not for the extended time she was out. She may have been a good teacher when she was there but part of being a good teacher is showing up and being reliable (I was a teacher many years ago). That's part of teaching -especially kids/teenagers -you show you care by showing up, on time, ready to teach. Part of being a good teacher is being a good colleague -being part of the team of teachers at your school and she was taking real advantage of you and everyone else. I think that her treatment of you is consistent with her lack of integrity and honesty in general and other psychological/mental issues.

 

You were a true friend but also you weren't a true friend to yourself because you probably started building up at least some resentment for all of her slack you picked up -understandable!

 

Again I am so sorry this happened to you. Let her go by making sure you keep repeating to yourself that it's her not you and by living a good and honest life.

[ThatwasThen]

She obviously has many issues (mentally and physically) so keep in mind that she's not going to appreciate or even understand the administrations of someone who is being a good friend.

 

Pffft. Let her go and don't give her another thought.

[Hollyj]

Sorry, about all of this. You sound like you were a good friend.

 

it does not sound like she is very considerate, or likes to take responsibility for her behavior. Does she not recognize that her absences were a problem?

 

I would move on from this.

[sidneys]

Sorry, about all of this. You sound like you were a good friend.

 

it does not sound like she is very considerate, or likes to take responsibility for her behavior. Does she not recognize that her absences were a problem?

 

I would move on from this.

 

I'm slowly moving past my hurt feelings, it's just taking a little longer than I thought it would. We had become very good friends and were very close. Co-workers constantly asking me questions about her doesn't help either. They just want to be nosy and gossip and it tends to reopen the wounds for me. I've gotten to the point with them where I tell them that I don't want to talk about it anymore.

 

She doesn't think her dismissal was due in large part to her absences. It's almost as if she lives in an alternate reality. She "speculates" with others about why this has happened, and she pieces together random events, comments, etc to try and figure out why they "treated her the way they did". She and I both taught the same group of kids, and I am head of our department, so she has "speculated" that I helped to get rid of her and didn't tell her. She also keeps trying to come back up to the school and visit the kids, which only makes matters worse, because the kids were upset when they found out she was gone. We had to deal with crying and upset kids for a few days on top of trying to transition in a new teacher. She said she was coming to visit once after school and then she wouldn't come back for a while, but then she's shown up a few more times after school to deliver gifts to selected students since she "didn't get her goodbye." She also emailed back and forth with numerous students since all of this through a district based platform, telling the students how much she misses them, and sometimes having conversations with them that span over hours or even a few days. A kid got in trouble the other day during one of my classes because she was on his device emailing back and forth with her instead of doing her classwork. Luckily one of her former co-workers who she "trusts" told her to stop messaging the kids. Her behavior is making it difficult for the kids to let her go and it's causing the fallout from all of this to continue to be dragged out.

[Wiseman2]

This is her mess to sort out and if withdrawing and lashing out are her ways of doing things then stay out of the line of fire. Put this whole thing on the back burner until she reaches out then decide, with caution, whether you want to be friends or just acquaintances.

[hansolo123]

So a good friend of mine/former co-worker (or ex-friend now I guess) recently lost her job and it caught her by surprise. She missed half of scheduled working days last year, and about half of her days this year due to a number of illnesses she has. Whenever she was absent, I made sure everything with her lesson plans was copied and taken care of (we're teachers). Sometimes she would call of ahead of time, and then there were times in which she called off at the last minute. I knew that administration wasn't always happy with the fact that she called off at the last minute, but I constantly rallied in her favor because when she was present, she was an excellent teacher. Well unfortunately she continued to call off at the last minute, and sometimes she would be gone for more than a week at a time. As a result, the administrators had decided they had had enough and decide to let her go.

 

Obviously when she found out the news she was extremely upset and I wanted to make sure that I was there for her. I tried to go and talk to her after they had given her the bad news and she said she didn't want to talk that day, which I understood. I just sent her a couple texts over the next couple of days to encourage and support her. She never responded to my messages and then a couple days later she sent me the following text, "I'm not ready to talk about things right now. You've always seemed to be a good friend and perhaps our paths will cross again one day." I was shocked and confused by the message. I did respond and wished her the best of luck. I couldn't understand why she was pushing me away, but then I found out that she was talking about me to another co-worker and she believed I was responsible for her losing her job (which I wasn't). When I found out she was bad-mouthing me to different people I decided to text her and let her know that I was only trying to be her friend and I would never do anything to put her in harm's way. She then apologized and said she wasn't mad at me, just upset that she didn't get to "say goodbye" to the kids. I thought we were okay again after having talked it out, but all of a sudden after about a week and a half she stopped contacting me again, and wouldn't respond to any of my texts. She has even blocked me on Facebook. I was trying to figure out what she thinks I've possibly done to her this time. I'm very hurt by how she has treated me, especially since I've gone to bat for her dozens of times to defend her absences and unorganized way of handling absences and I never rubbed that in her face. I don't want to be friends with her again at this point, but I still feel hurt when I think about how unreasonable she's been and how she refuses to believe that I've been a true friend to her. How can I finally let her go out of my mind once and for all?

 

To let her go, you should first not be affected by her opinion about you. Whatever you have done is right, and you know it, and if she doesnt acknowledge it, then it is her problem. You cannot go around proving yourself to everyone in the world, that would make your life miserable. I dont know if you are attached to her, if you are, then you should cut off the attachment, since she doesnt really want you to be attached to her or for that matter doesnt even care about you.

 

Help is a selfless act where one should not expect anything in return. Youve helped her, youre a great person for helping, now stop expecting even a thanks or acknowledgement from her. If you really understand this, you will very easily let go of a friend.

[Batya33]

So I've found that helping a "train wreck" friend can backfire big time. I had a friend like that in graduate school - and when she was centered, etc she was intelligent, insightful, funny, a good friend. But she was often depressed, highly anxious, borderline depressed, constantly self-deprecating. One day she turned on me - I said something she took offense at - which I said to someone else, in her presence, not about her and not related to anything she personally was doing or wanted to do. Apparently she assumed I was referring to her somehow (no) but actually I think it was an excuse to turn on me because she then started gossiping that I'd took the same class she did, after she took it, so I could get a better grade (this was beyond bizarre/alternate reality stuff and months after the class was over) - and she wouldn't talk to me -shut me out completely. I felt as you did and I tried too hard to win her back (which I would never do now, to that extent, over 20 years later) -and yes I apologized right away even though what I'd said didn't warrant an apology at all. It hurt especially because right before she cut me out she set me up with a mutual friend who I was serious with for months -so I kept having to hear about her despite him trying to keep things separate. You will get passed this and yes it is her not you!

[sidneys]

I've finally made peace with the situation, but I just wanted to add a couple of things to clear stuff up so it doesn't look like I kept reaching out to her when she didn't want to be bothered. After I confronted her and she apologized, she then went on to text and email me asking if I wanted to hang out with her soon and chat and catch up what was happening with her, etc. I admit I was surprised that she wanted to act like things were perfectly normal so quickly, but I thought okay, I could just forgive her and let the other stuff go. She kept texting me on and off over the next few days and I would just partake in the small talk and didn't really try to push anything on her since she was the one who was still initiating contact. It was then all of a sudden a week after we had been chatting again that she abruptly ended contact, and that's what had me confused for a few days. I didn't expect an acknowledgement or a thank you, I was just startled for a few days after it seemed like everything had been patched up. We were very good friends outside of the workplace as well. I'm fine now and I appreciate all of the advice I have received on this forum. I still wish her well and I don't hold anymore resentment towards her at this point.

[nutbrownhare]

I've been in this situation... where somebody I considered a really good friend just cut me off suddenly, blocked me on FB, all that...

 

I was trying to figure out why for ages, then realised that this was just something she did with people - and said more about her mental state than it did any of the friends she aggressively pushed away. It sounds as though your ex-friend is cast in a similar mould - acting in a totally inappropriate way then blaming others for the consequences of her own behaviour.

 

Actually, the final straw came when a mutual friend told me that she'd had a tarot card reading which she had interpreted as me being someone not to be trusted. Your friend's behaviour makes no more sense!

 

It IS bewildering and hurtful, though, and I'm glad you're able to let it go.