Collegeguy Posted November 28, 2017 Share Posted November 28, 2017 She's loves and is very caring of me. We've been together a while and she's expecting me to propose soon. She told me in the beginning she has a flirty personality, but wouldn't do anything to hurt me. For the most part our relationship is great. We spend a lot of time together we're together all the time with a couple hours is off. I have some jealous Tendencies sometimes and over think what she could be doing when we're apart. She did tell me she did cheat on her first bf a long time ago. And that she still keeps I touch with her exes. She told me that she needed absolute freedom in a relationship and I can't try to control her and shouldn't question what she told me and that I shouldn't be insecure and trust her. It's 50/50, she could be telling the truth it's reasonable or she could be full of it. Thoughts? I do want to give her the benefit of the doubt, but I don't want to be naive and lying to myself. Trust your first instincts? Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted November 28, 2017 Share Posted November 28, 2017 Well, what are the specific behaviours you are suspicious about? Link to comment
Collegeguy Posted November 28, 2017 Author Share Posted November 28, 2017 Well, what are the specific behaviours you are suspicious about? She wants a lot of a lone time. She doesn't consider cheating a deal breaker. I saw in her diary she has an obsession with men in power in D.C and see had to pull a lot of strings to get the company to let her go too. Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted November 28, 2017 Share Posted November 28, 2017 She wants a lot of a lone time. She doesn't consider cheating a deal breaker. I saw in her diary she has an obsession with men in power in D.C and see had to pull a lot of strings to get the company to let her go too. That would give me pause. Given that she has cheated in the past, I have to wonder if she's trying to tell you that you shouldn't consider it a deal-breaker if she steps out. What are you doing reading her diary, anyway? It sounds like there is no trust in this relationship and you have incompatible views on the important issues. How old are you both? Link to comment
Collegeguy Posted November 28, 2017 Author Share Posted November 28, 2017 That would give me pause. Given that she has cheated in the past, I have to wonder if she's trying to tell you that you shouldn't consider it a deal-breaker if she steps out. What are you doing reading her diary, anyway? It sounds like there is no trust in this relationship and you have incompatible views on the important issues. How old are you both? She made me read a page out of it and saw the next page. We're both 30. We get along in everyway and are on the same page. It's just her history and my trust issues. Link to comment
EtrnalOptimist Posted November 28, 2017 Share Posted November 28, 2017 I was going to say that having insecurities / jealousy is not a sign of compatibility. she has a flirty personality Different people define that differently. Friendliness is one thing, flirting shows interest (even if it doesn't lead to physical intimacy) and I, for one, would never be OK with it. But most of all: She doesn't consider cheating a deal breaker That she cheated before is bad enough, that she continues to think it's not a deal breaker, is a deal-breaker. Morality doesn't change. This will come back to bite you. Link to comment
Lester Posted November 28, 2017 Share Posted November 28, 2017 "Trust your first instincts?" - Always! Look at the red flags now, or later, but you will look. Link to comment
greta96 Posted November 28, 2017 Share Posted November 28, 2017 She told me that she needed absolute freedom in a relationship and I can't try to control her and shouldn't question what she told me and that I shouldn't be insecure and trust her. It's 50/50, she could be telling the truth it's reasonable or she could be full of it. In general, it's good to trust your instincts, unless you know yourself to have a paranoid, jealous personality and then it gets tricky. Yes, the fact that he cheated on a previous boyfriend is a red flag, but it doesn't necessarily mean she will do it to you. The absolute freedom in a relationship thing is an orange flag too, there is no absolute freedom in a relationship, that's why it's a relationship...that you shouldn't question her and just trust her blindly is a red flag to me though, I have just been through something like that and well...it doesn't work that way, trust needs to be earned. On the other hand, you say you spend most of your time together, with the exception of 2 hours here and there...when would she have time to cheat? So while there are indeed some red flags in there, you will have to just give it some more time and watch her actions, see if there is any more suspicious behavior. Set yourself a time limit, say another 6 months, and if by then you are still having the same doubts, maybe calling it quits would be best. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted November 28, 2017 Share Posted November 28, 2017 Here are some titles from the last few threads you posted about her: Girlfriend Spent the Night at her Ex's Flirting for Career Advancement Withdrawal Method (then you broke up) She Won't Commit I read through a few of your other threads listed above. Is this the same woman? Lost Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted November 28, 2017 Share Posted November 28, 2017 Does she want an open or nonexclusive relationship? She told me that she needed absolute freedom in a relationship Link to comment
DancingFool Posted November 28, 2017 Share Posted November 28, 2017 She doesn't appear to be monogamous by nature. So, either you can turn a blind eye to her extra curricular activities with other men or you are fine with an open relationship. If you are expecting loyalty and monogamy, you are in for a disappointment. When your values are that different, it's best to part ways. Anyway, you keep posting about her, but you aren't willing to leave her over this....so I don't know what advice you are really looking for. As for trust issues.....I mean when you are involved with someone like her....how can you not have trust issues? You are going to drive yourself insane constantly looking over your shoulder. The lack of trust in this particular case is warranted. Unfortunately, the only cure is to part ways because she is correct that you can't control her or stop her from doing what she wants. In fact, the more you try, the faster you'll drive yourself into the nuthouse.....and she'll still do what she wants..... Consider that if you date someone who is on the same page as you, you simply won't have these issues. Link to comment
Collegeguy Posted November 28, 2017 Author Share Posted November 28, 2017 She doesn't appear to be monogamous by nature. So, either you can turn a blind eye to her extra curricular activities with other men or you are fine with an open relationship. If you are expecting loyalty and monogamy, you are in for a disappointment. When your values are that different, it's best to part ways. Anyway, you keep posting about her, but you aren't willing to leave her over this....so I don't know what advice you are really looking for. As for trust issues.....I mean when you are involved with someone like her....how can you not have trust issues? You are going to drive yourself insane constantly looking over your shoulder. The lack of trust in this particular case is warranted. Unfortunately, the only cure is to part ways because she is correct that you can't control her or stop her from doing what she wants. In fact, the more you try, the faster you'll drive yourself into the nuthouse.....and she'll still do what she wants..... Consider that if you date someone who is on the same page as you, you simply won't have these issues. I just really love her and hoping someone will just tell me I'm just jealous and paranoid. I've offered an open relationship option many times so at least I could get some peace of mind. But she always says no and gets upset telling me how she's always been faithful to me. Normally I would have called it quits long ago and for less, but I just love her so much. Link to comment
EtrnalOptimist Posted November 29, 2017 Share Posted November 29, 2017 Normally I would have called it quits long ago and for less, but I just love her so much. I my experience, in relationships (as in life), the thing you want to do the least is generally the thing you need to do the most.. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted November 29, 2017 Share Posted November 29, 2017 Loving someone can be a beautiful thing that binds us together in good times and bad and can bring us closer to someone in a way not thought possible. It can also blind us to what we really need to see and do. I think you know what you need to do but your love and hope is holding you back. I know you are hoping things will change or she will somehow give you some excuse to stay with her you can live with. When you feel you need to offer an open relationship so you can get some peace of mind it is time to end the relationship. This is not healthy for you. I am sorry but how much longer can you endure this life with her? Lost Link to comment
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