IS it my fault?

[scorpiochick21]

I have just come out of a 9 month relationship with a man of a different religion.

 

The relationship began amazingly and I have never met anyone who is exactly my type physically and mentally.

 

One issue, I met his whole family but mine didn’t know of him. He began putting less effort into me after about 4/5 months and if I brought it up he’d say ‘ well I’m a secret’ it was putting pressure on me because I knew I should introduce him, but him being mellow and indifferent in his efforts I just didn’t know if I should.

 

He didn’t give me much reassurance about the future ( or as much as I wanted ) and he began to say he dislikes Muslims ( my religion though I’m not religious my family has a decent connection with Islam). He’d also sometimes mention his ex girlfriend which would make me insecure. I told him once we need to meet sit and discuss all our issues but when I went over he just put the telly on.

We then went on a break and he didn’t seem to really care he just said he won’t change himself..

 

anyway we got rocky again, broke up. I begged for him back, he didn’t come back, then he did said he wanted to try againthen it messed up again before we even met ( this was probably my fault to be fair )

 

I feel like although I know he felt like a secret, he never actually sat me down and properly communicated it to me and would only bring it up if we were already in a argument. I said to him you’ll meet them, I just saying it’ll be a bit difficult as you’re not Muslim but ima stick by you.

We are 24/25 he’s white British im Arab. He knew the deal when we first got together.

If he had put more effort in after the honeymoon phase I’d have more motivation to fight for him with my rents.

I’m broken. He is a good guy with a good background, he’d still say he loved me but it became routine where we stopped doing exciting things.

 

I wonder if it’s because he thought I may just leave him for my family in the end - wish he had opened up to me more if that were the case or I should’ve just known .. it was more about respect to my family ensuring it’s something solid, it wouldn’t have been as big a deal as he thought. Apart from the family bit I used to always go to his area to see him, I’d always get him little gifts and I’d organise dates for us.

[Quixotic205]

It's not your fault but maybe he felt like he wasn't getting officially recognized and detached himself?

[glitterfingers]

It doesn't sound like it's your fault that the relationship broke down. If the only issue was you hesitating on introducing him to your family, do you really think the relationship would break down? Sounds more like he felt there were deeper incompatibilities (e.g. he wouldn't even like your family because they are Muslim - that was really rude of him btw)

 

It seems you weren't really that happy with him anyway. Don't torture yourself wondering if you had been a different kind of person, if he would treat you better and you'd have had a better relationship. Because all that means (if it's even true) is that he wasn't right for you. The right person will respect your boundaries

[SweetGirl28]

How did you mess it up before meeting again?

There's a big part missing in this story!

 

Anyway, sounds as if after the honeymoon period, he lost interest.

Not your fault. Not everyone is compatible after that stage wears off.

Doesn't seem as if he was wanting commitment either.

He most likely enjoyed time you spent together, when it happened, but you weren't his priority.

 

I'm sorry, you deserve better than a man who doesn't want to put forth equal effort.

We always want what we can't have, that's why you're hurting.

[yatsue]

It is a double standard to meet his family and say you don't introduce him to yours, out of respect for your family. So it was disrespectful that you met his family at a time you thought was too early, according to your logic. You aren't consistent in your pricipals. If you really believed it was too early, then you wouldn't have met his at that time. Or you both would have met each others' families at around the same time you thought was more appropriate.

 

I would admit you were just scared of showing a guy who your parents would likely not approve of. He sensed that and it is why he stopped taking you serious; because you weren't taking him serious either. He WAS a secret, and no one likes to be a secret. As long as you did, there was bound to be tension in the relationship and doomed to fail.

 

I would take this as a lesson to only date people you want to show off to everyone, or learn to face those who aren't as welcoming of the relationship.

[ThatwasThen]

It is a double standard to meet his family and say you don't introduce him to yours, out of respect for your family. So it was disrespectful that you met his family at a time you thought was too early, according to your logic. You aren't consistent in your pricipals. If you really believed it was too early, then you wouldn't have met his at that time. Or you both would have met each others' families at around the same time you thought was more appropriate.

 

I would admit you were just scared of showing a guy who your parents would likely not approve of. He sensed that and it is why he stopped taking you serious; because you weren't taking him serious either. He WAS a secret, and no one likes to be a secret. As long as you did, there was bound to be tension in the relationship and doomed to fail.

 

I would take this as a lesson to only date people you want to show off to everyone, or learn to face those who aren't as welcoming of the relationship.

^ This

 

I’ll add that you should have broken up and stayed that way when he told you that he didn’t like Muslims.

[pippy longstocking]

and he began to say he dislikes Muslims

 

This ^^ should have been your reason to walk away forever , I would, just based on that one sentence , but in my particular case my daughter is of Arab descent and I would never entertain anyone who can say that kind of thing .

[Hollyj]

The fact that he made anti-Muslim comments should be enough.

This is all you need to be done!

 

You two, do not work. He has moved on, and so should you.

 

I would also address why you kept him a "secret," as it does not seem that you were fully on board. Learn from this.

[itsallgrand]

It seems like a deep incompatibility that revealed itself with time. It's not uncommon, especially when young, to overlook incompatibilities during the initial excitement of meeting someone you like and are attracted to. Sometimes it takes some time to make a more objective decision, and that is what dating is for.

 

You mentioned 'he knew what the deal was' and I'm not sure what exactly 'the deal' you are referring to is, but he obviously decided he could not continue with it and he ( to his credit) understands that a relationship need not require the kind of change that goes against what is important to a person on a basic level ( for example, not being a secret from the others family).

 

I'm also curious if he specifically said he did not like Muslims or if he said he does not like Islam? The wording makes a difference. And since you say you are not religious yourself, I wonder if he thought your ties to the religion were less than they actually are ( and that has presented itself more as the relationship was getting more serious for him)?

[yatsue]

I'm also curious if he specifically said he did not like Muslims or if he said he does not like Islam? The wording makes a difference. And since you say you are not religious yourself, I wonder if he thought your ties to the religion were less than they actually are ( and that has presented itself more as the relationship was getting more serious for him)?

 

I agree. I really doubt he meant to be racist and just meant he didn't like the family's religion that was tearing the relationship apart. It would make more sense, given this situation.

[Capricorn3]

Taking "fault" out of the equation, I can totally understand why anyone would NOT be happy with being kept a secret. Dating 9 months, that's almost a year, and you met HIS family but you don't introduce him to yours. Anyone would think you are ashamed of him, so I can totally see why things ended.

 

That said, it seems in general you two were incompatible on other levels so I doubt it would have lasted. Lessons learned.