One-way relationship

[Girl1310]

Hello

 

I have a little dilemma and I would really appreciate some of your thoughts and advice you have to offer.

I have been in a relationship for 3 years, in the beginning he would cook for me sometimes, he would clean up after himself, he always wanted to do something with me, whether it's a walk in the city/park or shopping and dinner.

Now though, he just wants to sit at home and play playstation any chance he gets. And I totally understand that some people enjoy gaming and I never say no or through a fit when he does, I want him to indulge in his hobbies, but not to the extent where that's all he does and expects me to clean up after him and do everything else, we are a team and we are supposed to help each other.

 

I have approached him about it several times, on one occasion I was really angry and it turned into a fight. I know that was my mistake it's not good to attack your partner you need to talk things out, so the last time I spoke to him was just a week ago and I was really calm and asked if we can have a heart to heart and I told him that I would appreciate it if he would also contribute in doing chorse and that I would really like it if we could do things together a little bit more.

However he felt attacked and said that we spend all day together already at home and he also wants time to himself to relax.

 

I am tired of having to ask him to do this and do that I am not his mother and I am also tired of him expecting me to do everything for him and make his life sweeter if he can't return the favour and just wants to play all day. I believe that you should always treat someone the way they want to be treated. I have tried talking to him but that didn't help and now I don't want to keep giving to someone who seems to be not interested in investing in the relationship.

 

Do you think that I am wasting my time and energy on someone who just isn't that into me?

Or do you think I should have another talk with him and try to sort things out?

 

Thank you so much for all the help in advance!!!!

[Andrina]

How are you two home all day together? Do neither of you work? Guys like this need concrete instructions. Come up with a chores chart and tell him you both need to contribute to the chores. When one person cooks, the other cleans up. Post it on the refrigerator, just like you would for a child, since that is his emotional state. And choose a date night like Saturday. Tell him that to keep the romance alive, Saturday night will be your date night and you will take turns planning the night.

 

These are reasonable requests. If he doesn't step up, don't waste any more time on this man-child. He doesn't care that you are upset and frustrated. He doesn't care that you do all the work, so it's time for you not to care about him. Take care.

 

These are reasonable requests

[melancholy123]

I echo what andrina said. Big baby wants to play games all day. Doesnt he have a job? Is he in school? He needs to grow up. You need to move on if he won't change his ways.

[j.man]

Depends on the division of labor and finances. But, yes, all things otherwise considered equal, you should both be taking care of the house equally. Also not sure how you two are spending all day together, but I'd try to schedule a date night. And I mean schedule one, not bring it up on a whim some night. "Let's go out for dinner this Friday night" or whenever is generally a good time for you two. Sounds like there could be an issue of quantity vs. quality.

[Girl1310]

Well I go to university but he goes to work, but to him we still spend all day together, and he needs 'his time'

Thanks for the advice I will definitely create a chore chart and see how things go!

[reinventmyself]

Well I go to university but he goes to work, but to him we still spend all day together, and he needs 'his time'

Thanks for the advice I will definitely create a chore chart and see how things go!

 

While he's having his `me' time, what are you doing? If it were me, I'd grab my keys and get out of the house. I can easily entertain myself. If he's worth effort, he'll notice your absence and hopefully realize that life goes on without him and that he needs to step up or you could easily move on without him.

 

As you can already see, nothing comes from standing over him and arguing about it.

If he prefers his playstation, leave him to it.

 

You mention `all the things you do for him' Well, stop - or at least back off.

He doesn't do his share of housework? So, does that mean you are picking up the slack and feeling resentful about it?

Stop that too.

 

No more talk. . start changing (by actions) how you feel about competing with a play station, by creating a great life of your own.

 

Basically, what you are doing isn't working, so you need to do something different.

[abitbroken]

Well I go to university but he goes to work, but to him we still spend all day together, and he needs 'his time'

Thanks for the advice I will definitely create a chore chart and see how things go!

 

"his time" is playing video games - yet he says he is home all day with you? Sorry, that time cannot count as BOTH "him time" and count as time spent with you. If he is just playing video games and nothing else, i don't buy the "leave the house when he is in his video game alone time". You have the right to be home if you want to - but then when he is not playing video games - i agree if you are the only one doing chores and he doesn't spend any quality time with you - cooking together, taking a walk, catching a movie - whatever - at all - then he is being a manchild

[abitbroken]

Well I go to university but he goes to work, but to him we still spend all day together, and he needs 'his time'

Thanks for the advice I will definitely create a chore chart and see how things go!

 

No chore charts. he is not your 10 year old son. Say "honey, would you mind helping me dust the ceiling fans. I am a little short to reach..." or "i am working on the kitchen today, would you mind getting the bathroom?" Direction is one thing -- being his mom is another

[journeynow]

that's all he does and expects me to clean up after him and do everything else,

 

Is it true that he expects you to clean up after him and do EVERYthing else? Is it really true, does he say that?

 

Maybe the talk needs to be about expectations. Not just about who cleans what and when and to what level, what passes as clean enough, and how often, but also about individual time, down time, and what "together time" means. It's true you are each part of a team, AND you are each individuals. You don't need to treat him like a child, nor do you need to feel like his mother. It is tricky when you have different expectations around chores and housework. Left to your own devices, if living alone, you each might have different patterns of cooking/cleaning/relaxing/pursuing hobbies, different comfort levels. When put together, how do you decide on a level that works for BOTH of you?

[journeynow]

Well I go to university but he goes to work,

 

Do you both contribute equally to the household finances?

[j.man]

Do you both contribute equally to the household finances?

Echoing this question. Plus, going straight to presenting him a chore list is an awful idea. Even should you two decide that's the solution, you work such a list out together.

 

I mean I don't want to outright assume things aren't financially equitable, so feel free to disregard this if you're paying half the rent and bills with financial aid or stipends from the family, but if he is by and large playing breadwinner while you go out and study for your own benefit, then sorry to say, but taking care of the home is then your equitable contribution. That's not to say he'd be entitled to just snap his fingers whenever he wants a sandwich or for you to come take away a plate he's finished with, but you'd definitely want to pick your battles carefully.

[abitbroken]

Echoing this question. Plus, going straight to presenting him a chore list is an awful idea. Even should you two decide that's the solution, you work such a list out together.

 

I mean I don't want to outright assume things aren't financially equitable, so feel free to disregard this if you're paying half the rent and bills with financial aid or stipends from the family, but if he is by and large playing breadwinner while you go out and study for your own benefit, then sorry to say, but taking care of the home is then your equitable contribution. That's not to say he'd be entitled to just snap his fingers whenever he wants a sandwich or for you to come take away a plate he's finished with, but you'd definitely want to pick your battles carefully.

 

Even so j,Man, "we spend time together" and counting the time he is playing video games and ignoring her doesn't fly as 'spending time together' even if she is physically within a 20 foot radius of him in the house/apartment. IF that was the logic, i could say i "spent time with" the people who were in line with me at the grocery store

[Girl1310]

I am so greatful for all the advice, but I am the fool here for sticking around too long, found out he has been cheating all along!!

[j.man]

Even so j,Man, "we spend time together" and counting the time he is playing video games and ignoring her doesn't fly as 'spending time together' even if she is physically within a 20 foot radius of him in the house/apartment. IF that was the logic, i could say i "spent time with" the people who were in line with me at the grocery store

I don't disagree with you at all.

 

It's definitely an issue that needs resolving, but I think the question of finances is important in figuring out exactly how without blowing a resentment gasket. My gut tells me it's an issue of quantity vs. quality and, if it is a case of him working to support her while she goes to school for 15 hours a week and spends most the rest of her time at home, I might put a bit more of the onus on her to perhaps make it more of a habit to hang around the campus library to study so that he's got some time on his own to unwind after work.

 

I can't claim to know the guy, but relating to the situation as an introvert, a presence is a presence, and while I can resort to my Playstation to go into my own little mental world so to speak, it really makes a difference if it's only me in the room or even in the apartment. I know I wouldn't be motivated to have quality time if I were being saturated with someone else's presence.

[j.man]

I am so greatful for all the advice, but I am the fool here for sticking around too long, found out he has been cheating all along!!

Well that came outta nowhere. Sorry to hear that. How'd you find out?

[Girl1310]

A single friend of mine saw his picture on tinder and she shared it with me, he was using a fake name and all.

I decided to confront him about the one-way relationship and he said that he does help me out around the apartment but I just don't notice it. So then I showed him the picture and asked to see his phone he said I was attacking him and my friend is lying, I finally

got the phone and I found the app along with messages to other girls, I gave back his phone and said i don't want to be his girlfriend anymore.