how do i go about this the smartest way possible?

[cruzer]

about 6 months ago she broke up with her boyfriend of 9 years. they were together from 18 to 27. shes 28. so basically the only serious relationship she has had.

 

we started talking and i was worried about how she just got out of a 9 year relationship. ive witnessed her getting hit on a lot, by many guys. so im not the first to come along but i still want to try and be as smart as possible. i dont want to just be the first guy who came along she was half way attracted to and she dove in without giving much time or thought.

she told me how long ago she broke up with him and how she wants to take a couple months to let things settle before trying to date me. and when/if we do, she wants to go slow

 

i definitely felt better when she told me that. if after 9 years she decided to break up with him shes obviously not completely free of feelings for him but shes definitely hit the point of its time to move on.(no guarantee but is it somewhat safe to assume that?)

 

and then she wants to take a couple months to let things settle before starting a relationship with me. made me feel she has a good thought process at least.

 

the question im having is, i can control my feelings and go slow, but i cant control her feelings. and the reason i even bring this up is we talk a lot at work and been texting for a month. A day or two before we did anything outside of work she texts me saying she wishes we could be cuddling and kissing right now. she said she was feeling other things but that would have to wait(anyone can explain that????)

 

im just tired of spending a couple months with a woman and her leaving, no conflicts, no excuses or explanations.

 

she asked if we could go do something before dating, just as friends, no pressure. and we did. for 6 hours, mall/dinner. she never made any moves

 

is there any questions i can ask to get her thinking? or is my only option just going slow, and if she starts talking crazy about feelings of love to then distance myself slightly?

 

probably not worth anything because its so early and limited, but she seems very genuine and sweet. everyone at work says the same. very shy and reserved. doesnt like talking about her personal life(she is with me, just not the general public or coworkers). shes not afraid to talk about serious things that so many other women refuse or avoid talking to me about. despite not wanting to talk about her personal life she said she isnt worried about people seeing us talking, or together, or their comments about us that we get

 

thanks

[Andrina]

I don't think it's smart to basically be putting yourself on hold for someone who isn't ready to be in a relationship. While you're busy investing much of your emotional energy and time into a woman who isn't ready to date you, you could be passing by a cute, fun, sexy woman who is ready.

 

And there is no guarantee when she is ready, that it will be with you. She's getting from you what she wants: a guy paying attention to her who has a crush on her. What are you getting? Frustration.

 

What would I do in your situation? One of two things: Either let the communication peter out gradually, or have a talk with her and tell her instead of being friends for now, that it would work better for you if you go no contact and that when she's ready to start dating, that you'd welcome her contacting you, and if you're still single at that time, then you'd be happy to try a dating relationship.

 

If she never contacts you again, it wasn't meant to be and another girl will be your fate. People who talk about going slow are putting up relationship barriers. Who needs that nonsense? You should be choosing a person who wants to go at a normal pace and is willing and ready to be your girlfriend right now and makes sure that happens so no other smart woman will try to snap you up before she does.

 

You're being used. There are many more pretty, available women out there. Find one who is ready to date right now, not one who has some indeterminate date far out in the future. Take care.

[j.man]

Sorry, bro. If you wanna play the vulture, you gotta be willing to dine on scraps, and she's being pretty open about that being all she has to offer you right now. It's certainly possible for someone to be completely ready to move in six months after a nine year relationship, but she obviously isn't in that position.

 

It sounds like you can "control your feelings" so long as you have some assurance they'll ever be reciprocated. That's not really controlling your feelings. If she says she wants to be friends, that's all you ever assume. Honestly, it sounds like you're entering "no taking the hint" territory. Especially if you two work together, I'd start treading much more lightly.

 

Look for someone who's emotionally available. It will be much more conducive to your goal of finding a lady who won't leave in a couple months.

[cruzer]

Im not sure if you guys are right and I'm completely wrong or if perhaps I didn't do a good job explaining things. I'm worried about her having feelings too fast and both your responses say the opposite. Which I guess if you guys are right I have nothing to worry about.

 

I'm certainly not waiting on her or holding out for her. I'm not invested at all.

 

She's made all the moves so far so I don't feel she's trying to be just friends and use me. Like I said she's got a huge selection of guys to choose from. It's not like it's just me or me and another guy

 

I'm not in any hurry to date anyone. I've honestly lost my desire to "chase" a woman.

[Andrina]

Going slow is a very vague thing. What does that mean? If a person isn't matching what your idea of what that is, you could explain how you want things to go and see if the person matches you or not. And feelings too fast? Most people go through the normal pace of feelings, an infatuation during the first 4-6 months that starts with a blast of hormones and settles down about the 4-6 month mark. If things continue, that's when love usually begins to gradually build. When people spend a lot of time together and are bonding with sex, isn't loving someone a normal progression after spending half a year together? If a person hasn't started that process, to me, there are barriers or walls built up to prevent what should be a positive and normal emotional response.

 

What is it exactly that you're fearing, in more concrete terms?

[cruzer]

Saying or thinking they love in the infatuation period(like first couple of months)

 

Her saying she wished we could cuddle and kiss and then saying she feels more but it would have to wait. What else could she feel considering we hadn't even spent any time alone/out side of work?

 

I've heard so many people saying things like

"I think they could be the one" and then the next week they are single

 

Or say they love their significant other and then 2 weeks later saying they love a new significant other

 

But I guess there's really nothing I can do. Just run if that happens I guess lol

[Andrina]

I wouldn't throw someone to the curb for saying something over the top in the first few months. The dopamine parts of the brain light up while in a new relationship. My future husband said "I love you" very early on and I simply said, "It's actually infatuation at this point." No biggie. We've been together 8 years now, and he's the best decision I ever made.

 

What she has going for her is the fact that she's capable of a long term relationship, based on her past history. That would count more to me than what she says during the high of a new relationship and what has happened to certain others you know.

 

I'd live for the present day and not project forward. Take one day at a time and enjoy her company. Time will tell if you're a good match or not.

[cruzer]

Very well said. Thanks for taking the time to read and reply.

 

Her history of having a long relationship is a lot of why I made this. I want to do everything I can to make sure we give it our best shot

 

Thanks again