My girlfriend broke up with me blames me for the death of her daughter

[Pancho519]

My girlfriend broke up with me recently on 10/30/2017 we had a great relationship and were the same page. She has two kids and told me her kids are her life. I accepted them and we started going out together. The kids are 2 and 5 one days she was on her way to visit me and she was running late. She was in a car accident someone t boned her on the driver side my girlfriend suffered major broken bones and her daughter was killed in the accident. I’ve been there for her since the beginning. She wanted me there with her at the hospital she even wanted me with her when they took her daughter out of life support. I knew it was going to be hard and I will have to be patient. She recently broke up with me almost a month since the accident. She told me that she felt like she can’t be in a relationship right now and that everytime she sees me it reminds me of that fact that she was on her way to visit me the day that she lost her daughter she said she thought I was being pushy that she not blaming me but she can’t help it that it’s wrong and that she can’t show me the love I deserve or need because of that thought. Ever since then I just left her alone I did write to her but did not get a response. I don’t know what to do I don’t k kw if there might be a way I can get back with her. We both were in love with each other and I still am but don’t know what I should do please help me and advise would help thank you

[glitterfingers]

That is really tragic. I would probably reach out to one of her family members or close friends to explain the situation and that you want to be there for her but don't want to remind her of the trauma she has been through. See if they can help you find a way to show support while she is grieving without imposing yourself on her.

 

She probably doesn't blame you for the death, she just is so consumed by thoughts of her loss that she is unable to maintain a relationship, and you being there will remind her of how life was before. I would personally do my best to be supportive while respecting the distance she has asked for, and don't think about getting back together right now because you need to show respect for her decision and her circumstances

[nutbrownhare]

I agree with glitterfingers.

 

I'm really sorry you're all going through this.

[MissCanuck]

Oh dear me, I am very sorry for the loss. How awful for all involved.

 

Your ex won't be thinking clearly right now, and likely not for a long time. Her saying she feels you are somehow responsible for the death is almost a coping strategy, a way of assigning her grief a source/reason to make sense of it all. This is obviously not your fault, but your ex at the moment is processing a tremendous amount of sadness and emotional trauma. Her thoughts will be all over the place, and I don't think she wants to blame you but does so almost out of instinct to channel her hurt. I lost an ex-boyfriend in an accident when I was younger, and I can tell you, his mother was not the same for a long time after. The death of a young one is something that changes your whole perspective. What seems irrational to the rest of us is sometimes perfectly rational in the mind of a bereaved parent. The healing process and time can lend clarity, but in the immediate aftermath, their world is a terribly confusing place.

 

I would accept that this relationship cannot continue at this time. She doesn't have the energy or peace of mind to love right now. I would also follow glitter's suggestion and contact a family member or close friend, to express your concern and let you know if/how to lend support. After that, it would be best to step back. Now is most definitely not the time to attempt a reconciliation.

[charity]

That's so awful. I think you need to leave her alone. She'll never be the same again. She doesn't really blame you..but she probably feels guilty for sharing her time with you. For now, she has a lot to go through. I would respect her choice if at all possible. Maybe after a year or so you can check on her.

[Seraphim]

She doesn’t “blame “you she will just be grieving the loss of her daughter the rest of her life . The death of your child is something you never get over . You just learn to deal with it . And it can take years . Right now I wouldn’t put any pressure on her about anything about a relationship , at all .

[Pancho519]

Thank you for the advice. I reached out to her dad and aunt both told me that just to give it Time hopefully she will reach out to me. Her aunt mentioned maybe I should text her once a week to let her know I am thinking of her but at this point in time I don’t know of that’s the right move because I was already doing that prior to the break up. What do you think?

[journeynow]

It's hard to find the words...just want to say I am sorry and offer condolences. It is not your fault, of course, and it sounds like she isn't blaming you, but there is an association there (and maybe that heightens her pain or feelings of guilt, or just causes her to relive the event). My heart goes out to her, her family, and to you. It is understandable if there is no logic to her actions or choices. I imagine, emotionally, she is all over the place. May she find comfort with time. You might send a text now and then, I don't know. To let her know you care and you are available if she wants to talk or go for coffee. I also recommend you talk to your local Hospice to see if they have a bereavement counselor or group you could talk to. This loss impacts you, and talking to someone could help.

[Seraphim]

Please don’t pressure her with weekly texts. That is too demanding.

[Seraphim]

I did not lose a child that I raised but I have given birth to a dead child and I was DEEPLY depressed for at least 5 years. It totally exacerbated my PTSD I was drowning in severe guilt. I couldn’t have withstood any pressure anybody put on me for any reason.

 

It is entirely possible from the accident and losing her daughter that she could get PTSD and she will suffer from guilt for her entire life . She will never be the same person again and I know I’m not . And my losing my unborn child is not even comparable to her losing a child she has raised.

 

Please listen to people this is happened to and do not put pressure on her of any kind . Just offer her help in anything she needs .

[Pancho519]

You guys are right I shouldn’t contact her weekly. The day she broke up with me she did black me out completely from all her social media and even all the mutual friends we had together that she meet from me were blocked also. This is what she wrote to me the day she broke up with me by text.

 

I know you're there for me. But I can't open up to you. I just can't, I know you've done all these things for me and I'm highly appreciative. But I don't think that I'm in a position right now to have a relationship. The person I love the most is gone. My daughter is gone. And I lost her on my way to your house. When you were being pushy and needed me there at a certain time you're always so pushy. And I'm not blaming you. But every time I look at you I think about that. It's not right. It's wrong. But I can't help it. I don't want you to be angry. But I can't do this. I can't give you or show you the love you deserve. I'm numb. I hope that you can please understand. I really need some room to breathe. My life seems so surreal. Everyday is getting worse. I miss my daughter so much. All the love I have is for my kids. I don't have anything left of me.

[Seraphim]

Yes, leave her be.

[glitterfingers]

I'd leave her be but you know, I'd probably send a Christmas hamper or something to her house in a month, or drop it with some family who can give it to her

 

Just little things without being involved directly. But I can be overly sympathetic, that gesture might be too much for some people

[mustlovedogs]

When parents married for 15+ years lose a child, that often ends in divorce. Honestly, it's not surprising a somewhat fledging relationship is on the rocks.