Confused - like this man but is there anything in it?

[Lady D]

Dear all, I'm very confused and would appreciate honest advice...

 

I started working for somebody at work whom I had spoken to briefly before, when I wasn't working directly with him...first time I saw him about a year ago with colleagues he said I should come to his dept " for tea "

 

Fast forward a year and I begin to work for him and he sent a compliment on my work to my boss which was really nice, I then happened to bump into him one day in the town and confided I wasn't that happy in my job, I'd like to do the type of work his team did and he told me about an opening for a position and joked I should take him for dinner...I laughed and then I did apply and he said we should celebrate if I got it and I said yes, we should and he laughed

 

I began to email him a bit about the job and then he said he had come to look for me at work " to see my beautiful face ", he would do anything to make me happy etc and being really nice - and he began to phone me when I was working from home, flirting, calling me " naughty girl " etc - I one day said I might be able to come to his office and he said he'd rearrange his schedule, he replies to my emails instantly

 

I heard nothing about the job, they didn't help me so then he said he would line something else up for me in his team...I then saw him at work again and he said ( and I agreed ) that we should just see what happens, this is in God's hands and he said I would need to train as otherwise he could get into trouble as I wasn't experienced, for hiring a " pretty young lady "

 

I then left it and didn't contact him for about four days...I wanted to see what happened and by then I had a crush and was hoping he would contact me....only to find when I logged on this morning he has gone on holiday for the rest of this week and next

 

I feel like I have offended him? Probably nothing to do with me though I guess and we are not dating so he doesn't need to tell me when he's on holiday, but I keep thinking I wasn't appreciative enough for his help though I did email and I said thank you to him

 

What should I do? Just wait I guess....was I under obligation to do anything? It was also awkward to email or phone him as he is in a superior position to me and I didn't want him to think I was just using him to secure a job role, I would like to see him whether I got the job or not as I like him and I told him I liked him in a jokey way, saying I liked him but he was not God lol

 

We both agree the right person comes into your life at the right time and believe in divine timing

 

I am looking for someone spiritual, he was pleased to hear I believed in God like him - I am now anxious that he looked at my LinkedIn profile and found out I am in my forties, though he is certainly in his forties or older and I am not that young!

 

There are issues though a) he is senior to me at work though we don't work directly together so must tread carefully b) we are of different cultures

 

I was just surprised he'd gone off on holiday as normally he is pretty much a workaholic! He doesn't seem like the player type as he is pretty serious and deeply religious - I think he likes me but for some reason can hardly believe it, my self esteem was shattered for a while by an emotionally abusive relationship a few years ago

 

I wanted to email again before he went on holiday but was unable to, it felt too scary to me in case I didn't get the response I wanted back and I feared losing dignity by aggressively pursuing him - instead I have been helping him out work wise to thank him, doing my work really superbly well for him, sneaky lol, he would still see my name but on emails about business!

 

I guess I could see this as good because it gives me time to think about what to do and focus on me, it's easy for me to lose myself in these things and to get far too attached too quickly, another reason I'm glad I held back on the pursuing him

 

Any advice would be good - many thanks thank you XXX

[abitbroken]

Ok, first of all - so many lines are being crossed here if this is a work colleague and you are interested in joining his department. He seems to have no intention on helping you get the job on his team -- he is more concerned with flirting with your "beautiful face". or It sounds like he thinks getting you the job guarantees him a date. If you ARE interested him, you have to remove the job aspect - don't try to get on his team. There is no problem if you meet someone in another department and decide to date someone but this isn't what's going on here. Its not like there is mutual interest that grows outside of work and its on the downlow. You are putting up with the inappropriate comments because you want a different job. He may not even be in the position of getting you that job, btw.

 

What do you want here -- do you want a boyfriend or do you want a different job? it doesn't sound like he'll respect your boundaries if you were to join his team. Think about it - if this was someone you didn't have a crush on - would his comments be a bit creepy?

 

Either way, i think you should apply for other departments.

 

my self esteem was shattered for a while by an emotionally abusive relationship a few years ago

 

Are you in counseling?

[Lady D]

Hello abitbroken, yes, been doing work on myself since then and very much recovered thank you

 

I am actually pretty okay now in the job I'm doing, it's a lot better and not bothered as much about joining his team but would consider dating him, even without the job offer lol

I could actually say, " well I'll go out with you and you don't even HAVE to offer me the job! " - I want a boyfriend more than I want the job, I am picky but I like him

I don't find him creepy, he hasn't been too overboard

 

Maybe he thinks I think he's creepy...I don't know, because I didn't contact him over the last week

 

I'm not putting up with the comments because I want a job - to me they are not construed as inappropriate because I actually like him - what I'm wondering is, how serious is he? Can this turn into a date? Does he really care that much, that he cares about my wellbeing and how I am and will help me to try and find a role I am happier in? I help him a lot in my current role, he will give that up, for the sake of me being happy in a different role? He said that was more important

 

Just seems a little too easy and good in a way......and a part of me is thinking, nah it doesn't really mean anything, he does this with all the girls...I don't know! XXX

[DancingFool]

Has he actually taken you out on a date or asked for one or is this all just cliche compliments and banter and vague promises to get you on his team even though he told you aren't qualified?

[Lady D]

He has not - but he has said if I get the job we should celebrate together...so you see how I am a bit confused ta, I feel in the dark, I am not trained in the role but he suggested I could sit with his team and learn

[Lady D]

And I'm unsure of why in the world he is so keen to do this for me....! Seems creepy in a way but he says it'll happen in God's time, if it's God's will, said as well on the phone that he was " thinking about me all night " etc, calls me a good lady, a wonderful lady, sweet, am I naive? Is he expecting something? XX

[j.man]

I understand you seem to legit like him, but that's some shady and sleazy **** coming from his end. Being in a higher position is questionable enough on its own, but him having a say in a position you're interested in and taking the opportunity to hit on you... not sure if he's aware of the year, but some light documentation and a call to HR and homie's toast, and it would be rightfully so. Or maybe he did realize it's not 1965 and decided to act on better and more ethical instincts and back off.

 

Sorry to say (well... honestly not really), but he was playing with fire and it sounds like he may have realized it. At least I hope. I'd pursue a man with whom the professional boundaries wouldn't be horrendous.

[abitbroken]

And I'm unsure of why in the world he is so keen to do this for me....! Seems creepy in a way but he says it'll happen in God's time, if it's God's will, said as well on the phone that he was " thinking about me all night " etc, calls me a good lady, a wonderful lady, sweet, am I naive? Is he expecting something? XX

 

Yup, I think you are naive. No one talks to a potential job candidate like that. If your name was Bob or Steve, would he talk to you like that?

 

and he began to phone me when I was working from home, flirting, calling me " naughty girl " etc -

 

A colleague who said this to me would be shut down right away.

If he was interested, he would have asked if you were open to dating coworkers, etc. or would have just went for it and asked you out to lunch with no conditions.

 

My coworker had a client interested in her and he asked her out to lunch - with talking about business as the set up (she wasn't directly the person at our company that worked on his account but a supporting person), but he really wanted to get her out of the office to see if he got along with her out of that setting. He did. Then he made a move and asked her out "for real". There was no "you naughty girl!" and he didn't tell her she was beautiful at work. He was totally respectful and if the lunch did not go the way he wanted it to, they just had a pleasant lunch, etc., and she would not have been the wiser about his intentions. And still when he asked her out, it wasn't on a romantic date. It was another lunch - but "to talk about their mutual interest of skiing and their mutual like of local history, etc." Just to be on the safe side. And it went from there -- but again, there was no flirtatious comments or ANYTHING that was inapprorpriate. and he let it go at HER place -- he only went to the next time if she expressed interest.

[DancingFool]

....Well my impression is that he is paying you some very cheap cliche compliments and dangling the idea of a job so he can flirt with you, but he is not actually acting like a decent man at all. I very doubt that he is in any way serious about the job and has pretty much told you that you aren't qualified. Some comments he is making to you....come across more like a lecherous creep than..... Well....come across like he is grooming you to get into your panties which is not to be confused with dating or a relationship.

 

If he is so into you, then he should be happy that you are in a different department because taking you out on an actual date would be easy and cause little conflict. If you actually come under him, then frankly you might both face termination.

 

Honestly, if he likes you so much he should have already taken you out. I don't think that's his interest.

[abitbroken]

I understand you seem to legit like him, but that's some shady and sleazy **** coming from his end. Being in a higher position is questionable enough on its own, but him having a say in a position you're interested in and taking the opportunity to hit on you... not sure if he's aware of the year, but some light documentation and a call to HR and homie's toast, and it would be rightfully so. Or maybe he did realize it's not 1965 and decided to act on better and more ethical instincts and back off.

 

Sorry to say (well... honestly not really), but he was playing with fire and it sounds like he may have realized it. At least I hope. I'd pursue a man with whom the professional boundaries wouldn't be horrendous.

 

I am going to agree, here with jman.

[Lady D]

Thank you for your input j.man, yes, maybe that's what it is, it probably is that I guess, he was playing with fire I guess and he realised it I think because he said he could get into trouble, I think I legit like him but maybe I don't really and maybe it's just the attention and the flattery, it could be that

I hardly know him at all actually, lol I'm not sure how stone age he is, but he is from another culture that can be more " chauvinistic " in their attitudes towards women at times, a part of me definitely does think, hang on, would most women like this or put up with this, I fear not.....!

[abitbroken]

Thank you for your input j.man, yes, maybe that's what it is, it probably is that I guess, he was playing with fire I guess and he realised it I think because he said he could get into trouble, I think I legit like him but maybe I don't really and maybe it's just the attention and the flattery, it could be that

I hardly know him at all actually, lol I'm not sure how stone age he is, but he is from another culture that can be more " chauvinistic " in their attitudes towards women at times, a part of me definitely does think, hang on, would most women like this or put up with this, I fear not.....!

 

I think you like the attention, honestly. But think about it -- if you met a guy at a cafe or at a church or library group and he immediately started with "what would i do if i chose a beautiful woman for this committee" or called you "naughty" (and you weren't all talking about Santa Claus), etc, you would think he's inappropriate, wouldn't you?

[Lady D]

Yes, I think you're helping me see sense, I did feel a bit degraded somehow by the whole thing I think and I thank my lucky stars that I haven't pursued him and lost dignity, I gave him the benefit of the doubt because of the religious thing - but red flags were glaring a bit when he said he was " thinking about me all night " and he knew I was at home alone in my living room working from home, I flirted back a bit just because I was a bit bored, but I think you're all right and I am looking for something serious

 

It's probably a blessing in disguise for me that he happens to be on holiday this week - help me get my head together! XX

[Lady D]

Hello yes, I see what you are saying abitbroken, if I didn't feel any attraction to him I would be a bit disgusted, I just have some attraction to this man I think because he's very well respected in the organisation and very serious, he didn't come across as sleazy or cheap to me in any way before, I felt a bit degraded and was a bit annoyed when he called me naughty though, didn't tally up with him being very religious at all! We chatted about our religious beliefs in God and everything so I convinced myself he couldn't be sleazy X

[DancingFool]

Glad you realize OP that those lines are sex talk and not dating or relationship talk. To be fair though, you did go along and flirt back and kind of encouraged that kind of talk, so there is nothing to feel degraded about. You were an active and willing participant. It's just that you are ready for something good and real and he is clearly not on that page with you, so you move on to greener pastures. This break/vacation he is on is actually convenient for the both of you in that you can cool off and fade out.

 

Sounds like you are ready to date, but please be more discerning. No guy should be calling you naughty until has taken you out on a few dates. Figure out what you want and how you want to be treated and do not accept less than.

[Lady D]

Thank you so much DancingFool for your kind words, yes, I do feel better in knowing that it's fine, this can just fade out, it hasn't gone far enough to be a problem of any sort...I was indeed a willing participant but I'm glad I've seen the light before things became messy, yes, it was a slip and I will be more discerning, agree with you! Many thanks XX

[chitown9]

Another possibility is that he is married. chi

[Lady D]

Hello, as far as I know he is not married, wouldn't have wanted to get involved if he was

He has ducked out of a meeting I've found out and that may be why he is on leave, was unfairly spoken down to but works every hour God sends

He's not some flash player, doesn't even drive just rides a bike and catches bus!

I'll keep an open mind on this, he has flirted and so have I, I guess, just relieved I'm not obsessed about it and now doing very well in my own job so do not require help with any strings in that area Xx

[DancingFool]

Hello, as far as I know he is not married, wouldn't have wanted to get involved if he was

He has ducked out of a meeting I've found out and that may be why he is on leave, was unfairly spoken down to but works every hour God sends

He's not some flash player, doesn't even drive just rides a bike and catches bus!

I'll keep an open mind on this, he has flirted and so have I, I guess, just relieved I'm not obsessed about it and now doing very well in my own job so do not require help with any strings in that area Xx

 

Just more red flags.....

 

Someone who works all the time and doesn't seem to have a well rounded life is not good partner material. You will get pushed aside for work. There are two reasons why people work all the time - running away from personal emotional/psychological issues or they are too inefficient and ineffective to get their work done within reasonable time. If he has a good reputation for competence, then it's the former. He's got issues.

 

Riding a bike or a bus only....could be a red flag if generally driving is the norm in your area. Could be there are legal reasons he can't have a license, etc. It's not something you should automatically look at as a virtue but rather be careful to see what's behind this.

 

The above isn't just for this guy, but in general in your dating endeavors. You might want to peruse more how to recognize what is good and what spells trouble or potential trouble.

 

Players and creeps don't actually come in a conveniently flashy package that's easy to recognize. They in fact come in all shades and colors. Pay more attention to what he is doing and that actions and words match up. Evaluate whether his actions are actually good or not with a clear detached mind. Spend more time observing instead of imagining how wonderful he might be.

 

Look for a man who actually does have a healthy well rounded life, who has hobbies or interests he pursues, who has good long term friends and healthy relationships with people in and out of work. Who will ask you on a date and be respectful, want to get to know you as a person instead of showering you with empty words and compliments or dreamy future talk.

[Lady D]

Thank you DancingFool, for your kindness, I'll bear all this in mind, at least he has taken a holiday and he's not being a total workaholic, you are spot on in that I can easily get carried away and build something up in my head so that in my mind we are soulmates and it is all wonderful ( well a bit of an exaggeration but a bit like that! ) - you've reminded me to pay attention to gut instinct, red flags and signs, cheers and I am being cautious XXX bless you for your help