What Else Can You Do Besides No Contact?

[Soprano]

First, my details.

Dated for about 10-11 months. Broke up about 6 months ago. I initiated the breakup because I fell out of love.

I was in NC for about 5 months until a few days ago when I broke it to send back some money I forgot I owed, which was triggered by a bunch of unfortunate events.

In terms of social media, I hadn't checked in about 3 months before the relapse.

So, I had been doing pretty well with no contact, but after my recent lapse, I feel awful.

Still, I don't regret my decision, and believe I did the right thing even if I'm romanticizing the relationship now, and am tempted to keep checking in on her, although I've held back so far..

 

My specific details are not so relevant here, as I'm asking a general question.

My question is, what else can you do besides NC?

I know people will say I just didn't do it for long enough, and that's probably true, but is there anything else?

Or is it just a matter of waiting and waiting?

Just looking to hear some of the other things the rest of you do.

[Giblesp]

Well, you broke up with her because you didn't love her. Are you looking to reconcile, or just want to feel better about the break up?

[Soprano]

Well, you broke up with her because you didn't love her. Are you looking to reconcile, or just want to feel better about the break up?

 

My goal is to feel better, come to terms with it, lose the guilt, and, most importantly, be at the point where I can be happy that she has found happiness with someone else (if she does.)

I have reached this point with my previous ex, and it is one of the most rewarding feelings/relationships I've had because of it.

I don't want to reconcile.

[Giblesp]

You did the right thing by ending it, as long as it was done in a respectful way. If you need to apologize about any harsh treatment, then make the apology.

 

Its better for her and you to not have any contact, as each time you speak it tends to bring the wound back up. Apply self work, read books on the subject of self improvement, make your physical health a priority with good sleeping and eating habits. Minimize alcohol or anything else.

 

Walking away with NC and self work works wonders, after a relationship has ended. Not necessarily an overnight fix, but it does work on the long run and can make you feel better straight away.

[Soprano]

You did the right thing by ending it, as long as it was done in a respectful way. If you need to apologize about any harsh treatment, then make the apology.

 

Its better for her and you to not have any contact, as each time you speak it tends to bring the wound back up. Apply self work, read books on the subject of self improvement, make your physical health a priority with good sleeping and eating habits. Minimize alcohol or anything else.

 

Walking away with NC and self work works wonders, after a relationship has ended. Not necessarily an overnight fix, but it does work on the long run and can make you feel better straight away.

 

Thanks. It was done respectfully, but of course it still hurt because she cried and seemed really heartbroken.

However, even at the time she told me she appreciated that I was upfront about it and didn't string her along.

Of course it's possible her opinion has since changed, but I don't believe I have anything to apologize for.

 

Those are all good tips, and I've been working to do most of them over the last few months.

I guess that is why I'm a bit upset that this was such a shock to the system for me, as I thought I'd be in a better position.

My dilemma now is, am I just avoiding the pain instead of dealing with it?

Is that what no contact ends up doing?

[Edmund Exley]

My goal is to feel better, come to terms with it, lose the guilt, and, most importantly, be at the point where I can be happy that she has found happiness with someone else (if she does.)

I have reached this point with my previous ex, and it is one of the most rewarding feelings/relationships I've had because of it.

I don't want to reconcile.

 

These are selfish reasons. Especially if she ended up hurt in the breakup. Breakups have consequences and you dont always get to feel good about it later.

[Soprano]

These are selfish reasons. Especially if she ended up hurt in the breakup. Breakups have consequences and you dont always get to feel good about it later.

 

Are they really though?

I did nothing "wrong," I just realized the relationship wasn't working, ended it in a respectful way, and tried to move on.

Even if I don't get to feel good about it, it's worth trying.

[Pretzel]

You need to come to terms with it in yourself and accept that she may or may not feel how you want her to feel...at least not straight away. It could take a year, it could take two. Who knows. Everyone is different. If you feel you did the right thing, that in itself should bring you some peace with the situation and trust things to sort themselves out over time as long as you keep NC, because if you dont then you are picking at the wound.

[Pretzel]

Are they really though?

I did nothing "wrong," I just realized the relationship wasn't working, ended it in a respectful way, and tried to move on.

Even if I don't get to feel good about it, it's worth trying.

 

They are selfish reasons because you are trying to alleviate your guilt, it would appear.

 

11 months is quite a long time to have been in the relationship, if you expressed that you love her and she envisaged a future with you, she might feel "wronged" though it may not seem true or rational to you. For her, it might be even WORSE that you did nothing 'wrong' because she has less to anchor her hurt and blame onto. Break ups are hard. Haven't you ever been broken up with ? If so, do you remember how you felt?

[Soprano]

You need to come to terms with it in yourself and accept that she may or may not feel how you want her to feel...at least not straight away. It could take a year, it could take two. Who knows. Everyone is different. If you feel you did the right thing, that in itself should bring you some peace with the situation and trust things to sort themselves out over time as long as you keep NC, because if you dont then you are picking at the wound.

 

"You need to come to terms with it in yourself and accept that she may or may not feel how you want her to feel."

Yes, this is important. I've been trying to work on this.

Thanks for summing it up so succinctly.

[Soprano]

They are selfish reasons because you are trying to alleviate your guilt, it would appear.

 

11 months is quite a long time to have been in the relationship, if you expressed that you love her and she envisaged a future with you, she might feel "wronged" though it may not seem true or rational to you. For her, it might be even WORSE that you did nothing 'wrong' because she has less to anchor her hurt and blame onto. Break ups are hard. Haven't you ever been broken up with ? If so, do you remember how you felt?

 

I am. However, because I feel that I have nothing to genuinely feel guilty about (and others agree) I think I'm just trying to not be too hard on myself. Even if I do feel guilt.

I have to remind myself that my hurt is because I did genuinely care about her. If I didn't, I wouldn't feel bad for hurting her.

People often speak about how hard it is for the dumpee, but it's difficult being the dumper as well. It has its own set of problems.

The anchoring is true. And it goes the other way as well. She did nothing "wrong," so I sometimes need to remind myself why it didn't work out, even though she was a good person.

I have fortunately (unfortunately?) never been broken up with before.

[gijeanie]

This is going to sound weird but it sounds like you are trying to convince yourself you did the right thing and want others to back that choice. I don't think you are completely over the breakup. That's why you reached out to her. That's why you are tempted to checkup on her. That's why you are posting here. That's my opinion any way.

 

I think you need to come to terms with whatever your feeling one way or the other. Do I think you want to care? No. Do I think you care more then you care to admit? Yes.

 

If you don't want to be with her then just leave it alone. If you do then you better do something about it now.

[DancingFool]

11 months is really not that long of a relationship. Try not to exaggerate in your mind just how much power and influence you have over someone else because that's pretty arrogant. Yes, she was hurt at the time and she is likely long over you and moved on. In short, stop flattering yourself at her expense. If you are obsessing, then you break the thought process by picking up things to do. Literally anything handy at that moment, grab a book, turn on a tv show, read the news, go for a jog, watch stand up comedy, get up and go finish that chore you've been ignoring - anything at all to get your mind out of that groove.

[Soprano]

This is going to sound weird but it sounds like you are trying to convince yourself you did the right thing and want others to back that choice. I don't think you are completely over the breakup. That's why you reached out to her. That's why you are tempted to checkup on her. That's why you are posting here. That's my opinion any way.

 

I think you need to come to terms with whatever your feeling one way or the other. Do I think you want to care? No. Do I think you care more then you care to admit? Yes.

 

If you don't want to be with her then just leave it alone. If you do then you better do something about it now.

 

No, it doesn't sound weird.

This experience has shown me that I am not completely over her, and that is why I am making this thread.

Because I had been doing NC relatively successfully, and still am not completely over her, I am asking what else I can do?

Is it just continuing NC for more time? Or is there something else?

 

For most of the last 6 months I have been having little difficulty with the breakup, at times even forgetting the relationship happened.

For the last week or so there has been a set of extenuating circumstances that has put me in a weaker position mentally, and I am confident that once I get out of this mental rut I will also get over this breakup bump, if that makes sense.

But because I am severely depressed, I have been checking in with others for reassurance. Yes.

I do not want to get back with her, as that would mean, at best, temporarily relieving pain and setting myself back, instead of dealing with the temporary pain and working toward a better future.

[Soprano]

11 months is really not that long of a relationship. Try not to exaggerate in your mind just how much power and influence you have over someone else because that's pretty arrogant. Yes, she was hurt at the time and she is likely long over you and moved on. In short, stop flattering yourself at her expense. If you are obsessing, then you break the thought process by picking up things to do. Literally anything handy at that moment, grab a book, turn on a tv show, read the news, go for a jog, watch stand up comedy, get up and go finish that chore you've been ignoring - anything at all to get your mind out of that groove.

 

"Try not to exaggerate in your mind just how much power and influence you have over someone else because that's pretty arrogant."

This is true.

I've always had issues with arrogance and self-loathing, so this is the perfect storm in some ways lol.

[Keyman]

The problem with NC is that it tucks away the feelings under a rug to help a person move on from the break up.

 

Usually falling off the wagon after a time is good for the healing, as it brings up those feelings, and allows you to deal with them when you are in a better frame of mind.

 

Yes you feel crap now, but you should be able to deal with this better than you could right at the beginning.

[Soprano]

The problem with NC is that it tucks away the feelings under a rug to help a person move on from the break up.

 

Usually falling off the wagon after a time is good for the healing, as it brings up those feelings, and allows you to deal with them when you are in a better frame of mind.

 

Yes you feel crap now, but you should be able to deal with this better than you could right at the beginning.

 

Thanks. I hope this is true. Unfortunately my falling off the wagon happened during a major depressive phase lol.

But I see what you mean for sure.

[abitbroken]

How did you have to "break no contact" with her to send a check? Sending it discreetly in the mail does not require opening up the can of worms of social media. But i am guessing you didn't do that - you contacted her on social media to offer to send the money back?

 

Unfortunately, there is no magic answer - time and distance help heal. But I wonder why you are so broken up if you broke up with her because you didn't love her? I would think you would be a little sad but at this point mostly relieved that you are free to find someone you DO love and she is able to find someone who actually loves her too.

[Giblesp]

Thanks. It was done respectfully, but of course it still hurt because she cried and seemed really heartbroken.

However, even at the time she told me she appreciated that I was upfront about it and didn't string her along.

Of course it's possible her opinion has since changed, but I don't believe I have anything to apologize for.

 

Those are all good tips, and I've been working to do most of them over the last few months.

I guess that is why I'm a bit upset that this was such a shock to the system for me, as I thought I'd be in a better position.

My dilemma now is, am I just avoiding the pain instead of dealing with it?

Is that what no contact ends up doing?

 

If your avoiding the pain within yourself by yourself, then all you have to do is face it and own it. And allow time to pass.

 

But breaking NC will then put your pain onto her, and then you'll feel more guilty about it.

 

You've broken up respectfully and she appreciated you not stringing her along. Thats as good as it gets. Keep moving forward with NC, everything will fall into place.

[figureitout23]

These are selfish reasons. Especially if she ended up hurt in the breakup. Breakups have consequences and you dont always get to feel good about it later.

 

I agree with this.

 

This is going to sound weird but it sounds like you are trying to convince yourself you did the right thing and want others to back that choice. I don't think you are completely over the breakup. That's why you reached out to her. That's why you are tempted to checkup on her. That's why you are posting here. That's my opinion any way.

 

I think you need to come to terms with whatever your feeling one way or the other. Do I think you want to care? No. Do I think you care more then you care to admit? Yes.

 

If you don't want to be with her then just leave it alone. If you do then you better do something about it now.

 

And this. Especially the boldest.

 

 

Are they really though?

I did nothing "wrong," I just realized the relationship wasn't working, ended it in a respectful way, and tried to move on.

Even if I don't get to feel good about it, it's worth trying.

 

By all means if that's what you want to do it's your prerogative but it's wrong to drag her into your headspace.

 

 

For the last week or so there has been a set of extenuating circumstances that has put me in a weaker position mentally, and I am confident that once I get out of this mental rut I will also get over this breakup bump, if that makes sense.

But because I am severely depressed, I have been checking in with others for reassurance. Yes.

I do not want to get back with her, as that would mean, at best, temporarily relieving pain and setting myself back, instead of dealing with the temporary pain and working toward a better future.

 

As I said in your other thread, she is no longer an available emotional crutch. You cannot use her to get through this hump. You have enough insight to recognize you don't want her but you want to feel better, what advice do you want? The reality is this is about you and not her.

 

I really really hope you weren't reaching out to her as an ego boost since you knew she wasn't happy about the break up and you thought she'd still be pining over you and fall over herself with excitement when you contacted her. I hope you didn't contact her because you thought you could string her along until you got through your depression. I hope you're not pissy because you realize she moved on and it's not sitting well with you. I hope all of that is not true but if it is, be honest with yourself, recognize it's selfish and again, leave her be.

[Rustysuit]

I am. However, because I feel that I have nothing to genuinely feel guilty about (and others agree) I think I'm just trying to not be too hard on myself. Even if I do feel guilt.

I have to remind myself that my hurt is because I did genuinely care about her. If I didn't, I wouldn't feel bad for hurting her.

People often speak about how hard it is for the dumpee, but it's difficult being the dumper as well. It has its own set of problems.

The anchoring is true. And it goes the other way as well. She did nothing "wrong," so I sometimes need to remind myself why it didn't work out, even though she was a good person.

I have fortunately (unfortunately?) never been broken up with before.

 

I'm sorry but this is BS

I "broke up" with girls I lost feelings for and I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. I felt relieved, not guilty. I know we're all different, but it seems you're trying to convince yourself through this forum.

 

Maybe you really regret something about this relationship, the breakup and what you did.

It would be best if you took a long hard look at your feelings.

[Soprano]

Thanks all. A lot to consider here. Consider this thread closed for now while I work through this.

I’ll maybe come back when I have clearer answers for myself.