Need Help Moving Forward in my Relationship, PLEASE help.

[florida1995]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 1/2 years. I would say the 6th month-15 month of our relationship was kinda messy. We were on and off a couple of times, he was just not sure if he wanted to be in a committed relationship after coming to college and we just weren't in the best place. Now, for the last year my boyfriend and I have had the most amazing relationship. We are communicating so much better, we are each other's first priorities, we love each other, we are very very serious about each other, and honestly I can't believe I was ever even in a relationship with him before knowing how much better our relationship is now. One thing is, one time when my boyfriend and I broke up for 3 days, he slept with someone else. Hours later after being drunk with his fraternity friends at a bar. He talked to her for a day or two after, and then decided that none of this was worth it and he wanted to be back together. After this, is when he really grew up and changed and has become everything I have ever wanted him to be.

 

He has expressed so much remorse and has really proved to me how much i mean to him and has even written me a 4 page letter expressing how he's never going to be that guy again and he's going to make me his priority for the rest of his life and how sorry he is about his immature and stupid decisions but that it was a stupid phase and he was so influenced by his friends back then but that I never have to worry about those things ever again.

 

The issue is, I don't know how to accept his bad decisions. I forgive him and I love him and I know he has changed so much, but its like WHY did you do that, WHY couldn't you be smarter, WHY did you decide that was a good decision, and I can't get a good answer from him. He just says that he was always conflicted if he wanted to spend his college years in a relationship and when he broke up with me that time he was drunk this girl was all over him and he made the stupid decision and said "f it" I'm going to do whatever I want. He has no on going thing with this girl, he's never talked to her again, he has her blocked on everything, I know it meant nothing and I know he has no interest in this girl. At one point, the day after we broke up she actually came back with him again and he said actually I need you to leave Im going to go talk to my boyfriend, and came to my house and begged for me back.

 

I know people make mistakes, and those mistakes are what made my boyfriend the man he is today and he really has changed so much its scary to think how different and mature he is now, and I love it. I just am so caught up on that bad decision and I just want to understand WHY. Any men/women can maybe help explain? Has anyone dealt with this before? Gotten over this? Is time just going to fix it? I don't want to leave him because I know it would be one of the biggest mistakes of my life, and I feel that by the time lets say I am 25 and I have this amazing man in front of me, I am going to laugh back at his mistake and be like wow you were so stupid. I don't want this easy girl to take away the amazing relationship I could have with this man and the potential for an amazing future together. Please help!!

[reinventmyself]

So you are hung up on some explanation that you feel you aren't getting?

If he came up with some thing other than it was a drunken stupid moment would you be able to let it go?

 

Young people make mistakes. It's part of growing up. I think his excuse was pretty spot on given how your relationship started with him being reluctant and then

nearly losing you on more than one occasion, gave him the opportunity fall down, get back up and learn what was important to him.

 

I am sensing you aren't really looking for a better explanation but rather you still aren't entirely trusting of this man. With very good reason.

 

But this is on you now. If someone wants to make amends and wants to earn your trust back, it appears he's checked all the boxes.

Whether you can trust him again remains to be seen. I am not saying to blindly trust him mind you but I am saying you do need to make a choice.

You are either all in at this point or not. You can't sit on the fence forever.

[florida1995]

So you are hung up on some explanation that you feel you aren't getting?

If he came up with some thing other than it was a drunken stupid moment would you be able to let it go?

 

Young people make mistakes. It's part of growing up. I think his excuse was pretty spot on given how your relationship started with him being reluctant and then

nearly losing you on more than one occasion, gave him the opportunity fall down, get back up and learn what was important to him.

 

I am sensing you aren't really looking for a better explanation but rather you still aren't entirely trusting of this man. With very good reason.

 

But this is on you now. If someone wants to make amends and wants to earn your trust back, it appears he's checked all the boxes.

Whether you can trust him again remains to be seen. I am not saying to blindly trust him mind you but I am saying you do need to make a choice.

You are either all in at this point or not. You can't sit on the fence forever.

 

The thing is I DO trust him. I know this isn't going to happen again, I really do. Because our relationship is in such a different place its so easy to see how much we have grown and how serious we are NOW. I know if we were to break up right now, he wouldn't do this. He has written me letters, has opened up to me more than ever, has really communicated with me and become transparent. I know he loves me, and would do anything for us to be happy together again. But there is just so much hurt and resentment, that its hard to do that so fast. There were other instances that happened in our relationship but i understand why they did and ultimately I can forgive him for those just because I know where his mentality was and I know we both weren't 100% in the relationship, but its this one incident that I am just struggling with because he broke up with me and it was so fast... I know the mentality had been there for a while thats why the time didn't matter because he had been thinking he might want to be single for a couple of months, but it still hurts.

 

I ultimately don't want to lose him for these mistakes and over how our relationship USED to be. I mean, is any relationship at the age of 18-20 perfect? I doubt it. I know he was still growing up, and he wasn't sure what he wanted and who he was, and I would hate to leave who I think could be the most perfect husband and father one day, over his 20 year old decisions. Like am I really going to let this girl take away the potential of the greatest future?

[j.man]

Stop lamenting "his decisions." You get over it or you don't. This is what, month #7 of you getting on the same issue? At this point, this isn't him or "his decisions." This is you. No ifs, ands, or buts. Sometimes things happen and we can no longer look at someone the same way. It doesn't say anything about them as a person, just what they can no longer be to us. I'm sorry, but I really think you need to do both him and yourself a favor and move onto greener pastures. As you say, you're only 20. There's plenty of opportunity out there.

[florida1995]

I actually only discovered this about my boyfriend 3 months ago to this day. Don't you think that is a little soon to give up on a big future? I mean are people usually "over" this in less than that amount of time? I feel like as the weeks go by we are getting better. Before, I was upset and resentful about SEVERAL situations, but I have accepted many of the situations and can rationalize and understand why those decisions were made and I have forgiven him for them. I also, when I first started posting on here, struggled with the idea of "what if there was more" "what if he is still not telling me something", and I can tell you I have went from 10% sure there was nothing to feeling 90% sure that he is being truthful with me, which is huge because I am longer sitting around questioning him "are you lying" "is there more", which was really making this hard for us.

 

So actually, I do see hope, I do see a future, I just wanted to come and see on here if anyone, especially a grown man like you, can help clarify young mistakes, and maybe help me understand why he did what he did, but that everyone has made mistakes and ultimately everyone is going to disappoint you at one point in time, and that ultimately his young decisions don't define who he is, and who he will be for the rest of his life.

[rosephase]

So actually, I do see hope, I do see a future, I just wanted to come and see on here if anyone, especially a grown man like you, can help clarify young mistakes, and maybe help me understand why he did what he did, but that everyone has made mistakes and ultimately everyone is going to disappoint you at one point in time, and that ultimately his young decisions don't define who he is, and who he will be for the rest of his life.

 

He's told you why he did it. He chose to do it because he could. I don't think looking for a deeper answer is going to get you anywhere. He was trying out having sex with someone, who wasn't you, to see what it did for him. People like sex. The question becomes: can get over it? I think the fixation on "why" (when he's given you a perfectly reasonable answer) is a way you are avoiding doing the work of actually forgiving him and moving on. There isn't a magic answer that is going to make you forgive him. He did what he did, forgiveness is a choice.

[Pleasedonot5]

He was *single,* lonely, horny, and drunk, and he slept with someone else. There's no betrayal or mistake there, even though you may think the move was not classy.

 

It's actually really straightforward. Realize that he wasn't at fault here, and decide whether you want the one-time "lack of class" you may perceive here get in the way of what you describe as an awesome relationship, or not.