HELP! I pushed him too far. :(

[Kryp]

My boyfriend and I dated for 8 months, and he broke it off on the first of October. In august, everything was so AMAZING, he was passionate and he always made the time to see me and stuff. HOWEVER, when September came by, he gradually pulled himself away from me which made me panic. He told me to give him time near the end however, I failed to listen and be empathetic towards his wishes. Like, I was so caught up with the stability in our relationship but noticing his distance and avoidance really got the best of me. I tried to communicate about it but he is the time to run away. But really, I didnt know that its normal for guys to not be direct with how they feel since they need time to reflect, I guess. Okay anyway, instead of listening, I cried to him talking about the lack of attention, distance, and I brought up how the changes hurted me so much. I wanted to FULLY communicate about WHY he's distant but instead, he tried to singlehandedly forcefully love me which drove him to his limits. I think that he's stressed out with school and with my pressure, he just broke it off with me since like, I didnt give him the space to sort stuff out. Anyways, after we broke up, I did beg a little to come back, that I love him, we can work things out, I'm worried about how he is.

 

He told me that he won't come back, he doesnt love me, move on, and to just leave him alone and that everything is "different" now. I haven't talked to him since October 15th ( I periodically talked to him until the 15 4 times the initial week, 2 on the second, one time on the 15th). I feel like he does love me, but that it was just best to drop me because he was handling so much at once. He told me that he couldn't even see his own future anymore, so that he doesn't even see ours anymore either.

 

I think he does love me but is hiding it and is forcefully trying to move on because like, his friends told me that he was SUPER depressed but he tried to hide it. And then I think a couple of weeks now however, he seems to be extremely happy because he doesn't seem to be sad anymore; he's bee with his friends, avoiding me, and going out a lot in school because of sports and clubs.

 

Anyways, I know time is best to let it all figure out our fate. But I honestly, would love to make it up to him and try again. I do remember that he told me he doesn't know if he'll come back but then later changed his mind saying that if he did come back, everything will be worse (because I didnt give him the space he needed; I was impatient and scared). How do I talk to him about this? Like I know what I did wrong. I've been contemplating about our situation ever since we broke up. I really really love this guy. Everything was so passionate in our relationship, we were adventurous and very very lighthearted (I was more chatty though, very charming). What should I do? Should I write to him? He doesn't want to see me at all. I really think its because he's forcefully trying to forget about me since he believes that if he comes back, everything will get "worse". I feel terribly miserable for not listening/being empathetic to his wishes. He told me to leave him alone, and right now I'm actually being counterproductive about it BUT I really just want to save our relationship.

I'm sorry if this was long, but thank you so much for reading. I appreciate it

[Jillstrand23]

BUT I really just want to save our relationship.

I'm sorry if this was long, but thank you so much for reading. I appreciate it

 

There is nothing you can do about 'saving' your relationship, He has told you himself he is not interested. He won't come back

[SweetGirl28]

You need to be silent.

Do not write him, text, call, show up where he is, send your friends as messengers, nada. Zip. Zilch.

 

You say he is happy now, I'm going to take a wild guess and assume because he feels nothing but relieved to

be out of this relationship. I'm sorry, I don't mean to come across as harsh.

 

The worst thing you can do is keep pushing when being told to stop.

I think you need to toss this up as a very painful learning experience and move on.

The next time someone tells you they want space, let them have all the space they want.

[Pretzel]

Don't beat yourself up over it. You can't help yourself that you were worried when he asked for space. He has responsibility towards the relationship to make you feel secure at all times, even if it means he needs space - people can ask for space without making their other half worry about the status or stability of the relationship. I don't think you did anything wrong. I think it just wasn't meant to be, and he wasn't a good enough boyfriend to you in the last month or so and that's what made you act out. Imagine if you asked for space and he did to you what you did to him? Would you end things and say you don't love him anymore? Probably not. Because you love him too much and youre invested and you want to make the relationship work. If he doesn't as much as you do, let him go. You're better off without. You should be with the guy who wants the relationship as much as you do.

[DancingFool]

Stop trying to convince yourself that he doesn't know what he is doing or that he really secretly loves you. When someone truly loves you, they don't dump you. Sorry, but it's that simple. He is crystal clear with you that he no longer wants to be with you and he has moved on and is having fun. Time for you to work on doing the same and it starts by you no longer trying to fool yourself into this idea that he still wants you. He doesn't. It's over. Heal and move on.

[deedee911]

I think there's a right way and wrong way to go about getting space. Distancing yourself and pretty much shutting the other person out is wrong and would make anyone anxious. If you did that to him he wouldn't as much get hurt but think you are a mean girl. No one likes to be ignored and then someone make you look crazy when it's just space. Space is a trial ground for breaking up. It's such garbage this space stuff

[Minnie369]

Hi there! I went through the same thing like 2 months ago. I pushed him when he wanted a break and it turned into a break up. I tried to convince more but now I have gone into NC because it's exams period and his priority is studies. I just want to say that he might come back after this time and space apart. The break up helps to let you do your stuff when he thinks. I still have hope but I'll let nature take its course. Learn from this experience and it will be useless in future relationships be it with him or not. Look at why the relationship went wrong and not repeat the same mistakes. Cliche but if it's meant to be it will be. Everything happens for a reason. No matter what his trigger is no matter the past. Don't dwell on it but look ahead because this opens up doors for a new relationship and it could be with him but better and stronger. No one can predict the future but be in the present. That's the best you can do. Let me know if you need more help. Trust in God and the universe and let go of things. No one can be forced into a relationship but if he does come back, this time it might be for good. Develop yourself and be an independent person. A relationship where two parties are grounded individuals is better than a relationship where two halves are trying to make a whole. Somewhere I believe he still has feelings but it's just buried with negative feelings. Time does wonders (not sure if it heals all wounds but close enough). Focus on yourself so when you're ready or when everything falls into place you will be ready. Don't have too much hope though, try to compartmentalize and go forth. Staying in the past does nothing for you and him. The old relationship is dead let it go but look forward and you may see a new and better relationship with him. I feel though you should try at least then you know you did the best you could and can really move move on with no regrets. But now is not the time, maybe 2/3 months NC? It really forces you to think about what you want as well because getting an ex back is tedious and it might not be for everyone. I'm not religious but I believe in the bible phrase that goes something like hope deferred makes the heart sick but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. No one knows your relationship better than you. No one wants your gut feelings better than you. Your friends advice yes may be helpful but in the end it's your decision and your call but you cannot complain if things don't work out because your friends have advised you already. For me it's really painful waiting till after exams which is in one month because I feel like he will forget me etc but it's a risk I have to take because timing is everything and now is not the time. Do some work on yourself not because of him but because you think you should. I think by trying to convince you I convinced myself. Haha

[whitetigress10]

Hi OMG are you me because this just happened to me too! I've been reading thread after thread on ENA and yours is the one I can connect to the most. The only difference between you and me is that me and the ex were together for much longer, and our break up happened just a few weeks before yours. It's like Dr. Jekyll flipped a switch and turned into Mr. Hyde, right??? I don't have straight solutions for you because I, too, am still trying to survive the same thing. However I just want to say that I feel your pain. I understand when you say that you KNOW he still has feelings for you somewhere deep down all of the craziness that's going on in his life. You can't believe how stupid he is for doing all this because you know he let go of a great thing. I know girl, I know. I loved this person with everything I got and the breakup is literally shaking the core of my being. I tried to fix it too. It hurts and you come to a point where you think it was all your fault. He blamed it all on me, and since he was a person that I trusted with my whole heart, I believed him and blamed myself too. It was horrible. The way you're thinking right now, I had those thoughts too. After some time though I realized it wasn't really all just me. He had HUGE communication problems. Sure, we're not supposed to suffocate people but what other choice do we have when they pull away and we don't have a clue about what's going on? He had a tendency to run away whenever things between us became tense and he liked to avoid conflict. Pretzel was spot-on in describing the situation in a different light--a perspective that you need to realize. Stop blaming yourself for everything. You did what you did with good intentions. You didn't bug him to torture him even more--you did that because you wanted to make him understand why things needed to be changed in order to save the relationship. Might not have been the best option but, what the hell did we know? If we knew better, we would have done differently and it's okay to forgive ourselves for not knowing.

 

I reached a point where I realized that we BOTH had issues that we couldn't have possibly worked on while we were still in the relationship. It somehow had to end for us to grow. Did I like how it ended? Hell no it was horrible. It was VERY much like yours.

 

I know you want him to "come to his senses". I know you're hoping and waiting. I'm hoping too even though I hate it, because it's the only thing that keeps me sane sometimes. Everyone told me that one day I'll just wake up tired of it all and naturally move on, however until then I must actively try to keep going forward. Like Minnie, I'm not religious either but someone shared this short prayer with me and it helps me during my darkest moments: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference".

 

Girl, sometimes there's only so much we can do. Sometimes it doesn't matter what we "know" if they are not acting on it, and if our knowledge of it isn't changing anything. Don't let someone hurt you just because you love them. Please remember your worth. I don't understand this situation either but one thing is for sure--we are amazing people who are capable of giving so so so so much love that it hurts so damn much when the person we love suddenly tells us they don't want it. You have so much love in you that even though you were hurt, you still reached out despite knowing that he can reject you all over again. You're THAT courageous. We don't lose the love though. We still have it in us to give! We deserve to also receive what we're willing to give into a relationship. This is the time to give that love to ourselves. Cultivate that love. Let it grow inside you until you have overflowing amounts of love that you're ready to give some of that extra lovin' to someone else again (could be your ex once he figures his sh** out, or a new person who could totally be even better than your ex). The most important lesson I realized in my experience so far is that I invested myself SO much into the relationship that I forgot how awesome I am. I forgot how to love myself. When we broke up I didn't know who I was and thats just crazy! We're supposed to know who we are with or without a boyfriend. Deep down I know I a wonderful person but sometimes the pain makes it hard to believe. This is okay though, we're just going through the phases. I'm still working on it.

 

So will he come back? We don't know. There are a lot of reconciliation stories here but that doesn't change a thing. We still don't know. It's ok to have a bit of hope for now but don't put all your time in hoping. Look within you and think about what you want and dont want in a relationship. Do you really want a guy like him? Think long term. Will it work out? Be downright honest to yourself. Give yourself time to heal before going back into a relationship even if he DOES reach out soon (not saying he will, so don't depend on it, but if he does DO NOT MAKE IT TOO EASY FOR HIM). Be productive and fill your schedule with NEW interesting things. If you can't think of anything, keep looking. There's gotta be something out there. Make new memories and dilute the old ones out. Reclaim your territories. You can do it!!!!!

 

And yes typing all these made me feel better in a way that I also kind of convinced myself haha. I have so much to say because I can relate with you so much but I'll end it here (for now?). Take care

[katrina1980]

OP, asking for space is always a hot button, and in most cases will cause the recipient of the request (in this case, you) to become anxious and insecure.

 

JMO but when a man (or woman) asks for space/needs space, they're feeling uncertain of their feelings for you, and need the space to determine what they want to do, leave for good or stay and hope their feelings return. In most cases, they don't.

 

I think to expect him, or any person asking for space, to make you feel 'safe and secure' during this process is extremely unrealistic.

 

How can he make you feel safe and secure during a time when he is unsure about you and his feelings for you?

 

So I disagree with other posters who believe it's his "job" or whatever they said to make you feel secure during this process.

 

What happened in your case is, when you did not respect him enough to allow him the space he needed to figure out what he wanted, and instead allowed your own feelings of anxiety to take over, you pushed an already ambivalent man further into ambivalence, eventually to the point he lost ALL feelings for you wanted OUT.

 

Sorry but I will be very surprised if he comes back from this. You have already disrespected him, by not honoring his request for space, causing him to feel stifled and suffocated. He's gone.

 

I agree you cannot control how you feel when he asks for space, but you "can" control how you REACT. Do NOT push or chase, as you have now discovered, all that did was push him right out the door, most likely for good.

 

Best to leave him ALONE, and allow him the space to figure it out.

 

You need to take steps to handle anxiety. Relationships can be stressful, and if you don't learn how to manage anxiety and at times insecurity, you will continue to push men away.

 

Even a man who is madly in love with you will sometimes cause you anxiety, and if you don't learn to manage it, it will push him away eventually, it's suffocating, stifling and it gets very old very fast..

 

Big lesson learned here, good luck moving forward.

[Jan2728]

I'm in a similar situation. I don't agree that it's over for good. Ok so we pushed when we shouldn't. Now we know better. We are being honest with them and honset with ourselves.

There is no telling who will come back and who will not. I'm sure we're all not pushing any more. Circumstances will figure in, if they love us and I believe they do, they can lie to themselves but it will come out. They can move on we can move on but sometimes the next relationship doesn't work. Views change over time. It is hard to believe I don't just think I'm in denial. Now is the time to really ask yourself if you really want your ex. Either way you need the moving on mindset. IF they come back, you will be in the best position. If they don't, you will be in the best position. Only God knows , just stay backed off for now. Do nothing, go in the opposite direction in fact.