Why does he still talk to his ex online?

[Crystall123]

So i'm been married just over a year and ever since we've been together my husband's ex has been in contact with him. This is in part due to the circumstances in which they broke up. He broke up with her just before we met each other while he was living abroad and they have never seen each other since so I guess she never had closure. That was understandable in the beginning and it has been over 4 years now but just that fact alone isn't what bothers me. In the beginning she sent him nude photos and he was asking her for more. It wasn't until i found the messages and got upset that he asked her to stop. He apologised and eventually blocked her online. He has since added her again but he lets me read all the messages. She's clearly trying to get him back, saying to him that if he had stayed with her he could have had it so good, showing off and criticising me about my looks, asking for nude photos of me and if i know how well she can cook- even though she has a new boyfriend. I guess what bothers me is that he carries on talking to her despite the fact she is clearly obsessed and hasn't moved on, i just don't think it's healthy. They still argue about the past and it's very bitter but i feel like he takes some joy in how desperate she is. It's like it gives him an ego-boost. Also he doesn't defend me when she criticises me which hurts. He says he doesn't need to as we know what we have and he wants to make her feel better about herself but it feels more like he doesn't want to push her away. I just wonder how far he would have taken it if I hadn't found those messages. I told him how i feel but he says he won't stop talking to her as he's being 'kind' but i think it's cruel to give her hope by talking to her regularly. I would never tell him to stop writing to her as he's an individual and can make his own decisions but it makes me quite unhappy to know he has this toxic relationship. It seems that because it's online he doesn't see it as real or harmful. He doesn't intend to meet up with her anytime soon so why talk online except for the thrill and drama of it? She also doesn't know that i read the messages which feels wrong. I can't get my head around these cyber relationships as i always act pretty much the same online as i do in person so if I didn't have a good relationship with someone in reality, then I wouldn't talk to them online as it seems fake but this doesn't seem to be true for everyone. Thoughts?

[boltnrun]

"He doesn't intend to meet up with her anytime soon"

 

What does this mean? That he plans to meet up with her later?

 

And how come he's so concerned about being "kind" to her but he doesn't seem to be concerned about being "kind" to you, his wife?

 

Since he doesn't intend to stop and you don't intend to ask him to stop...are you 100% OK with him continuing to communicate with this woman for the rest of your lives?

[Hollyj]

How disrespectful to you, and your relationship.

 

He values the attention and ego boost, more than your marriage. Honey, you should have been done with this fool after you discovered the messages.

 

He also allows her to disrespect you. Why are you tolerating this????

 

Stop being such a doormat!

[ThatwasThen]

past and it's very bitter but i feel like he takes some joy in how desperate she is. It's like it gives him an ego-boost. Also he doesn't defend me when she criticises me which hurts. He says he doesn't need to as we know what we have and he wants to make her feel better about herself

What about how you feel? Doesn't he want to make you feel better by blocking and deleting this bimbo?

 

You need to get over being afraid to tell him what to do and tell him outright that his continuing to talk to such a mental case is giving her false hope about them and that to continue on with her the way he is it's cruel to her because he's not allowing her move on from him and the drama. Tell him you're going to talk to his mother about what kind of son she raised if he doesn't cut this nonsense out of his life once and for all.

 

You enable him to keep on with her because he suffers zero consequences for his inappropriate and inconsiderate behaviour towards you... and yes, that is what it is when he is doing this with her.

[melancholy123]

I too dont know why you put up with this. There's a pay off for him somewhere, somehow, in this whacked out relationship. He should have blocked her the first time she contacted him. He is treating you with zero respect. You need to get a backbone and stand up for yourself.

[Crystall123]

Thanks for your message. You're right, there has to be an ultimatum because i can't carry on like this. When i tell him I don't like him talking to her he tells me I'm being manipulative and trying to control who he talks to and that i am being just like her. It makes me feel like I'm being paranoid or jealous but i know im not a jealous person. He keeps saying a best friend wouldn't tell him what to do. I don't like to press the issue because he's really great in other ways and im scared to ruin what we have.

 

He said he might meet up with her one day if we ever go to her city but i made it clear i never want to meet her after seeing what kind of person she is.

[boltnrun]

So he's already told you he plans to meet up with her.

 

How important is it to you to be the "cool" wife? Important enough to stand aside while your husband engages in an affair with this woman?

[Hollyj]

Your husband is a disrespectful jerk. And, he is the one by being manipulative. I think that you need to be more honest about your relationship, as this type of treatment is NEVER limited to one area.

 

I wonder how he would feel if your ex were sending you d*ck pics, and saying nasty things about him.

 

Don't be so desperate to tolerate this garbage at the expense of your self worth. Time to get a backbone.

[MissCanuck]

She isn't the only one who hasn't moved on, OP.

[Crystall123]

You're right. I guess I didn't have anyone to confide in as i moved away from all my close friends and family but saying it 'out loud' makes me realise what I put up with. I was so concerned with not being 'the crazy girlfriend ' like his ex but actually im the crazy one for putting up with it all. I've struggles with low self-esteem for a long time so i was just grateful for what we had but it's not enough and deep down i know i deserve better.

[boltnrun]

Staying with this man will not help improve your self esteem.

[Crystall123]

Thanks all!

[ThatwasThen]

What will you do, Crystal?

[Crystall123]

I will say it has to be me or her and make him choose. If he says he won't stop writing to her then i'll leave and stay with my parents and let you know.