Should I keep breathing life into...us?

[kojie0516]

Hi!

 

I've been dating this guy for two and a half months now. Let's call him Sam. I'm 20 and he's 29.

 

I met Sam by chance while I was working over the summer, and before I was about to leave my job for the school year, Sam asked for my number and asked to see a movie with me. The first date and the second date were magical. I remembered not wanting to go home. We talked on for hours and hours and hours. I still remembered the way he looked at me on the second night we were together--no one has ever looked at me the way he did that one time, and I think that's when I started to develop feelings for him.

 

When the school year started, Sam and I continued to hang out, and we'd always have a good time, talking and laughing, albeit not as long of a period as we used to do back in our first days. Then, I'd started going to Sam's house at least once a week, where we started sleeping together repeatedly. He'd be so sweet to me, and I remembered feeling like I was in a dream. He would clean his house for me, cook for me, bring me little gifts that reminded him of me throughout the week. We'd even take day trips together in a neighboring city, where we'd eat out and have a great time. We'd keep doing this, up to the point where we'd spend the whole day together. After days like this, however, I'd notice that he'd begin pulling away and being distant, and we'd have nothing to talk about. This would be more pronounced the morning after I'd sleep over at his house, or the second time I'd meet him during the week (the first time I would hang out in a span of a week, he'd be his happy, perky self) I thought of it as a typical guy thing when he'd want to return to his work. And there was nothing wrong with that to me. But, as the weeks progressed, I feel like these bouts of distance would convert him to a totally different person? During these episodes, he'd seem somewhat apathetic to me. He would seem to be in a poorer mood, and at other times even when I'm hanging out at his place, he'd retreat into his bathroom, where he'd click on his phone for about twenty minutes and leave me outside waiting for his company. His personality switches during my experience with him pretty much became the norm. We'd schedule something like a restaurant dinner during a week day, which would he the first time during the week that he'd see me. At these times, he'd be the man that I have feelings for, the one that I have amazing conversations with and the one that's so affectionate to me. During the latter part of the week, where he'd invite me to his house for dinner (he'd clean for me and whatnot), he'd seem quite apathetic to my presence. What gives?

 

Last Friday night, I decided to sleep over at his house and we slept together. He had his good side on, and we I had a great time with him. I remembered that I woke up in the morning sleeping in his arms and being smothered with affection. As Saturday went on, however, it's like he drifted back into distance. We spent Saturday on a kayaking trip, but during the 5-hour trip when it was just the two of us, we hardly could come up with anything to talk about. It was as if Sam was in his own little world during the whole trip. I spent the night at his house again, and that time, I did not sleep in his arms. It was as if we were together, but not together at the same time. The next morning, he was also quite distant during the morning. Each different change of personality he'd have, I'd always find myself hurting, and I would agonize over the fact that I don't believe I'm making him happy. This is what has been happening with us the past two months.

 

I talked to Sam about this the same morning, asking if I made him happy. He replied that I did make him happy, and that he did have a good time with me. However, he kind of revealed that he was emotionally a bit numb due to a string of unhealthy long-term past relationships, which is why he has not felt love for somebody in a long time. I didn't know how to take this at all. The way that he said he was happy seemed a little distant as well, and I couldn't tell if he was being sincere.

 

Like, there is no consistency in this guy whatsoever, and I feel like I am only staying because I am in love with the side of him that loves me back and treats me right. But I really don't know if I'm settling for way less for myself here. I want to be the one to open him to happiness again and mend all of his past wounds, but I don't know if I have the strength to keep going like this. Please help!

 

Thank you.

[katrina1980]

First off, there is absolutely nothing wrong with not having things to talk about all the time.

 

Silence can be golden, especially during times like your kayaking trip, just the two of you.

 

Some of the most intimate moments I've ever experienced with a man were moments like that.

 

Talking is highly over-rated, intimate relationships involve much more than having fun and being entertained with lots of chatter.

 

I also think it's "normal" for a man, or woman, to seek distance sometimes.

 

Instead of hanging around, when he gets like this, just tell him you're gonna take off, have stuff to do.

 

Do NOT tell him it's cause he's ignoring you or distant, that will only serve to make him feel guilty, which is never good.

 

**Is he an introvert? Sounds like he might be.

 

If so, sounds like he may be feeling a bit "suffocated" in this relationship.

 

He needs more space/distance than you which is OKAY.

 

Give him that space. Space allows him to breathe and realize his feelings for you.

 

I know nothing about his previous relationships, but he may have felt suffocated by those too, overwhelmed by the needs and expectations of his partners. And his own guilt about not being able to "give" in the way they expected him to give.

 

Others may call him a typical Jekyll/Hyde, but that's too easy, it's usually deeper than that.

[ThatwasThen]

When you stay over night at his place has he asked you to stay?

 

I think that he's all in when you're in the throes of sex but after its said and done, he is indifferent because his emotions haven't caught up with his lust.

 

That's not uncommon in a relationship of only two months. Concentrate more on any affection he shows you when you're not having sex. Does he hug, kiss, hold hands, put his arm around you when you are out on dates?

[katrina1980]

OP said she spent the night last Friday.

 

It was awesome as always, woke up in his arms and was smothered with affection.

 

This doesn't sound like a guy who becomes indifferent after sex.

 

Sounds more like a guy who becomes indifferent after too much time together.

 

If it were me, in the very early stages, I would leave mid-morning or early afternoon to avoid that. Not spend that entire Saturday together. Plus, I need my space too.

 

It was too much, which is why he started acting distant as the day went on.

 

JMO of course, interested to know whether he's more introverted or extroverted.

 

I am an introvert so understand the needing space and distance thing.

[ThatwasThen]

OP said she spent the night last Friday.

 

It was awesome as always, woke up in his arms and was smothered with affection.

 

This doesn't sound like a guy who becomes indifferent after sex.

Sorry, if I made it sound like immediately after sex. It's when they are in other situations then sexual that he becomes indifferent. Hence why I asked about his level of attentiveness when not in the bedroom.

 

Sounds more like a guy who becomes indifferent after too much time together.

That could be too but I know that most people that are emotionally invested don't care about too much time together within the honeymoon stage.

 

If it were me, in the very early stages, I would leave mid-morning or early afternoon to avoid that. Not spend that entire Saturday together. Plus, I need my space too.

Well I'd leave too if he was being indifferent. Op? Does he ask you to stay or are you just staying?

 

It was too much, which is why he started acting distant as the day went on.

Yes, that's one assumption, mine is another. We really don't know what he's thinking or why he's acting that way... all we can do is speculate and perhaps change views as the Op gives us more info.

 

JMO of course, interested to know whether he's more introverted or extroverted.

 

I am an introvert so understand the needing space and distance thing.

I don't think introverts or extroverts are that much different during the new relationship energy stage. They've only been together two months. That being said, giving one another space is never a bad thing, especially in long term relationships where you live together. In that case, absence makes the heart grow fonder. In the early stages, too much space, makes a gal/guys eyes wonder. Have you had the exclusive talk yet, OP? You are sleeping together and that's a good reason to want to know at least that much. If I was bedding someone and they didn't agree to exclusivity then I wouldn't continue to date that person. Multiple dating is fine but multiple sex partners at the same time is not.

[kojie0516]

Sorry, if I made it sound like immediately after sex. It's when they are in other situations then sexual that he becomes indifferent. Hence why I asked about his level of attentiveness when not in the bedroom.

 

That could be too but I know that most people that are emotionally invested don't care about too much time together within the honeymoon stage.

 

Well I'd leave too if he was being indifferent. Op? Does he ask you to stay or are you just staying?

 

Yes, that's one assumption, mine is another. We really don't know what he's thinking or why he's acting that way... all we can do is speculate and perhaps change views as the Op gives us more info.

 

I don't think introverts or extroverts are that much different during the new relationship energy stage. They've only been together two months. That being said, giving one another space is never a bad thing, especially in long term relationships where you live together. In that case, absence makes the heart grow fonder. In the early stages, too much space, makes a gal/guys eyes wonder. Have you had the exclusive talk yet, OP? You are sleeping together and that's a good reason to want to know at least that much. If I was bedding someone and they didn't agree to exclusivity then I wouldn't continue to date that person. Multiple dating is fine but multiple sex partners at the same time is not.

 

Gonna add more info here. Thanks for the advice guys!!!

 

1. Outside of the bedroom, he is quite affectionate. As in his does kiss, hold hands, etc in public, especially when we're eating in restaurants. However, he does seem to distance himself a bit when we hang out again immediately after, like the next day. I try to wait a couple of days to give him some space because this has become a pattern.

 

2. As for the introvert thing, I would view him as more of an introvert. He is really passionate about his work (which he does at his place). I do think that this maybe one of the factors as to why he sometimes gets distant? However, I don't really view myself as clingy when asking for his attention. I don't spam him with texts, as I'm very busy with university, and hangout-wise, I probably only see him 1-2 times a week due to school and home responsibilities. I also recognize that he's an introvert, which is why I take care to try to leave him with some space. However, I don't know if emotionally shutting down and being distant is normal for us at this phase? He can't be that bothered by my company... I find that when I leave him alone for a bit though, especially through text, he usually initiates?

 

3. As for staying at his house, we agreed on me sleeping over Friday and Saturday night probably a week before, as it was my fall vacation and a chance for me to convince my parents to disappear for a couple of days. I didn't spend Friday morning and afternoon with him, and I came around Friday night at 9 pm. I recall that he was super affectionate at that time, but Saturday and Sunday morning, he became quite aloof. I left Sunday morning. He did give me a kiss before I left tho?

 

4. As for the exclusive talk, we've never said "exclusive", per se. But I did tell him that he was the only guy I was looking at right now, and if he was interested in another girl/growing tired, I would like for him to tell me first so we could drop it. He's been really honest with me, tbh, and he is a nice guy. I don't think he'd ever do me dirty.

 

What really concerns me is that he told me that past trauma from previous relationships (in which the girls cheated on him and left him emotionally broken) did make him "emotionally numb", which maybe I can connect with the distance. I don't know if that means that he's telling me that he's emotionally unavailable and that I should really watch myself here before investing in a guy who can't reciprocate? But also, maybe he's telling me that it takes longer for him to trust?

 

Thoughts?

[katrina1980]

Hate to say this, but he sounds like my self-admitted very commitment-phobe brother.

 

Ever since being left broken and devastated by his first serious gf, he is unable to maintain an emotional connection to a woman.

 

Once he gets too close, he distances himself or runs.

 

I hope this isn't your guy too, but after sharing more info about him, specifically that one girl who left him broken, he might be.

 

Good luck, tough situation cause he sounds like a good guy.