Really lost for answers need some advice.

[Lindblur]

Hello,

 

This is my first post here because I've been really having a hard-time in my relationship lately. Not because of fights, miscommunication or anything like that but it's because me and my Girlfriend that I absolutely love dearly and want to spend the rest of life with seems like she doesn't want to compromise. This problem is arising because of career/moving living circumstances.

 

We have been dating 3 years now and everything has been great. I am 29 and she is 26; We have been living long distance for about a year and a half of our relationship we travel to go see each other often and talk all the time and have really good communication. She is currently living in NY/CT While I have recently moved back home to Ohio from California and have been living back here for about 9 months now. She is in the Museum industry ( Museum Education to be exact. ) and I am an artist who works on Video Games, Cartoons as a Character Designer; Freelance at the moment. But the problem is arising that when we first met in Ohio I asked her would she be ok living just about anywhere else in the United States just for the potential sake that we find jobs and opportunities in other places, she said yes. But, recently, she has told me otherwise and is saying she doesn't want to live anywhere other than on that side of the United States. Which I find to be kind of a problem since she hasn't even been to many states in the US while I've traveled for events and work and have been to 39 of the 50 states for extended periods of time and I have seen how much is out there in the world for opportunity everywhere.

 

She has been being very stubborn about it and saying she doesn't want to leave that coast at all. Mainly because as she was growing up, it's the only places her and her family have ever traveled to is East Coast states. ( Mass, CT, NY, Washington etc. ) She hasn't even been anywhere else in the US. But she is just being very stubborn about not working with me and not compromising so that we can find a place to move together and be together and grow together even more so than we already have. I have already explained to her that I am open to going anywhere we can go together and both find steady and strong work. Now when it comes to my Industry it is more centralized in West Coast states ( At least from the standpoint of what I do. ) . Yes I can find work and opportunities everywhere but the majority of them are going to come and be on that side of the US. There are literally little to no opportunities for me and what I do on the East Coast. While there are Opportunities for both of us on the West Coast. I try and spend time explaining to her that there are opportunities for what she is doing in several more places and states than there is for me. But she just doesn't want to hear it and just keeps having tunnel vision for over on East Coast. So much so that I even asked her if another state offered her a salaried position in another state away from East Coast would she take it and she said no. Which upset me alot because I know for a fact if I get offered a solid position somewhere I am going to take it and accept the opportunity. It bothered me so much that I even said to her well if you don't want to work with me then we may have to break up and it hurt me really bad to hear myself say that... She even started to cry really bad because she doesn't want to break up with and I don't want to break up with her we fit very well together.

 

This whole situation has been causing us alot of arguments lately that we've never really had so much so that I'm just saying eff it... I'll just move over to that side of the coast even it means me having a hard time to make her happy. Because I can't make her understand or get it through to her that there are opportunities everywhere and life never ever works out the way you expect. You will always be thrown curveballs and you need to adapt to the curveballs as they come to you. She then suggest moving over here for a bit, then moving somewhere else. But as Im thinking about that it is an option but it is a very expensive option. She firmly believes that the East Coast is the only place she can find work and opportunity. ( Which isn't true at all. ) I'm literally just out of options and not sure what I should do or say to her to make her understand or hear what I am trying to say. I really don't want to lose her, we work so well together and shes the only girl I've dated that I could see myself having a family with and spending the rest of my life with. I am also her first serious relationship. She had one joke relationship that only went on for a month but she feels exactly the same way about me that I feel about her. I just cannot really see myself being with anyone else. I don't even have interest in other women because I am just so in love with her. That this situation happens really sucks and bothers alot.

 

 

I am just lost on what to do I really hope I gave as much and enough detail that I could about the situation and maybe someone out there can maybe give me some suggestions or ideas that I didn't think of. This conversation has been going on for a few weeks now and it just always causes tension...

 

Thank you all so much in advance!

[Cope]

I really don't know what to say. I just wanted to tell you that she is indeed being unreasonable. You seem to have tried everything. Does she like LD? Is she willing to continue doing it for years just to be able to live on the East coast? Is she open at least to a holiday on the West coast? You could try taking her on one. For some reason I think she'll say no to that too. Is she usually this stubborn? Random question,is she an only child?

 

I'm sorry I'm not much help I really just wanted to say I understand your frustration! I got frustrated just by reading your post!

[DancingFool]

Have you taken her out to the West Coast? Like a vacation so you can both see what's out there, have fun, enjoy, etc.?

 

Seems also like at the moment you are rootless and just freelancing, so all this arguing is really just arguing theory. You aren't offering stability, just moving for the sake of moving and it sounds to me like she is not the kind of a person who will uproot her life for an adventure.

 

Anyway, I hope that you two work this out because if you can't, this relationship will go nowhere. Having the same sense of humor might be great for dating, but when you don't see eye to eye on the major things in life marriage won't work out because you'll not only make each miserable but cause personal failure and dissatisfaction.

[Lindblur]

I really don't know what to say. I just wanted to tell you that she is indeed being unreasonable. You seem to have tried everything. Does she like LD? Is she willing to continue doing it for years just to be able to live on the East coast? Is she open at least to a holiday on the West coast? You could try taking her on one. For some reason I think she'll say no to that too. Is she usually this stubborn? Random question,is she an only child?

 

I'm sorry I'm not much help I really just wanted to say I understand your frustration! I got frustrated just by reading your post!

 

 

Hey Cope, Ironically enough. I did suggest that idea she seemed 50/50 on the idea of the visit to another coast. Another place in general I've offered to take her on trips to other places but doesn't ever seem that receptive. Shes usually not, it's like about this thing shes abnormally stubborn.

 

She isn't an only child, but I realized she was very spoiled by her parents. So much so she's never paid her own bills for anything until like late last year. She lives with her Family who moved to CT also.

 

Im really lost on what to do! Thanks for your response.

[Lindblur]

Have you taken her out to the West Coast? Like a vacation so you can both see what's out there, have fun, enjoy, etc.?

 

Seems also like at the moment you are rootless and just freelancing, so all this arguing is really just arguing theory. You aren't offering stability, just moving for the sake of moving and it sounds to me like she is not the kind of a person who will uproot her life for an adventure.

 

Anyway, I hope that you two work this out because if you can't, this relationship will go nowhere. Having the same sense of humor might be great for dating, but when you don't see eye to eye on the major things in life marriage won't work out because you'll not only make each miserable but cause personal failure and dissatisfaction.

 

Hey DancingFool,

 

Thanks for your response it's very appreciated!

 

That was a plan of mine but she seemed very unreceptive. It was a 50/50 split on yes and no.

 

While it may seem like I'm rootless. I definitely am not. I currently pay for a 2 bedroom apartment all utilities comfortably without worry about much of anything. I also, am flown out to a lot of places to work on things by companies themselves. So, I have a huge steady flow of work coming in and a day job that I work on occasions when I have no Freelance. Actually, she is the kind of person to uproot for an adventure. She isn't even truly hired in her career yet and when I asked her about moving over to that side she just immediately responded with living in the most expensive part of Manhattan, and she's not even hired in her career yet.

 

I'm trying to help her stay grounded, yes having big dreams is a good thing but you can't just go from nothing to something off of a whim.

 

 

I completely agree on your last point I've felt the exact same way. This is really the first problem we've ever had that we are having a hard time solving.

 

Thanks again for your response.

[DancingFool]

Well....with the added info.....

I hate to say this but she sounds like she is too immature and way too sheltered to be marriage material at this point.

It also comes across like a female version of a mama's boy.

 

Perhaps you should shelve these discussions for awhile until she graduates, gets a job and gets a dose of real life and therefore grows up a bit. You aren't going to teach her or lecture sense into her if she is stubborn. She needs to fall flat on her face first to learn....IF her parents would even allow her that lesson.

 

Also....not even wanting to take a trip out west???? It's just.....more than stubborn....that level of "I won't even consider opening my mind to anything" is seriously concerning and again....to me a flashing bright neon sign screaming "Not good life partner material." Sorry. I mean what will happen down the road if you need to buy or sell a house, make decisions about children, their education, move because you need to advance your career or even have a job, other difficulties that come up in life and hard decisions and compromises that you'll have to face and deal with, etc, etc, etc. I just can't imagine being with someone who will respond to these things as "my way or ...nothing, just my way."

[Lindblur]

Well....with the added info.....

I hate to say this but she sounds like she is too immature and way too sheltered to be marriage material at this point.

It also comes across like a female version of a mama's boy.

 

Perhaps you should shelve these discussions for awhile until she graduates, gets a job and gets a dose of real life and therefore grows up a bit. You aren't going to teach her or lecture sense into her if she is stubborn. She needs to fall flat on her face first to learn....IF her parents would even allow her that lesson.

 

Also....not even wanting to take a trip out west???? It's just.....more than stubborn....that level of "I won't even consider opening my mind to anything" is seriously concerning and again....to me a flashing bright neon sign screaming "Not good life partner material." Sorry. I mean what will happen down the road if you need to buy or sell a house, make decisions about children, their education, move because you need to advance your career or even have a job, other difficulties that come up in life and hard decisions and compromises that you'll have to face and deal with, etc, etc, etc. I just can't imagine being with someone who will respond to these things as "my way or ...nothing, just my way."

 

 

I see, I had thought of but wasn't sure if I was just jumping to conclusions or if it was a thing.

 

Actually, she has already graduated and lives with her Mom and Dad with no threat of having to ever move or leave. It concerns me as you said, the fact she doesn't want to try to see anywhere or anything else really bugs me and it's really the only things that's every irritated me... But yes, it is a big deal.

 

 

You are so right and that what I'm realizing now is that. I'm really thinking about alot of these things putting them into perspective for myself. But whenever I even remotely bring up the thought of splitting she get so sad and cries and it hurts me to bring it up. I don't know, I just really need to do some assessing of everything and go from there I think. Then make my decisions.

 

Thank you so much for your responses!

[ThatwasThen]

I don't think she's far too sheltered or immature to be married or living with someone. I just think she's not willing to move from her home base which is not uncommon but it does make the two of you incompatible on a major point in a partnership.

 

Either you move to where she wants to be, OP or call an end to the relationship because she's not going to move out there no matter how many times she visits. If I'm honest with you, you sound just as insistent on where you won't live as she does

 

I was never willing to move from the Province I live in either... that's why I only dated men who lived where I lived and didn't want to uproot from where they were born and raised either.