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Am I actually as bad as she makes out?

ol dirtybadger

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Hi all, I'm new to this forum and forums in general, I need some un biased opinions as my family and friends all back me but my girlfriend's friends and family all agree with her. It would be be amazing if I could get a bit of feedback to my very long and complicated situation

I will start by settig the scene...

My girlfriend is 25 and I am 30, when we met she had a 6 year old son and I had twin 6 year old boys who live with my ex other than every other weekend and sataday mornings that they are with me, at first I thought this would be great, they could all be friends and we could go out doing stuff together. 2 years later and we now have a 9 month old baby together, the boys barely ever get along, we barely ever get on, my girlfriend is suffering from anxiety which pretty much stops her doing anything and wants me around every minute I am not at work, I bought a house over a year ago and are still not moved in as it is a building site and I have no money or time to Finnish it, and now to top it off we are now accidentally expecting another baby!

I work fairly long hours and get home at 6 earliest, when I walk in I immediately get passed the baby which I don't mind as I love seeing him but it would be nice to get changed and washed as I work a dirty job, my girlfriend then sees this as an oppertunity to then spend the rest of the evening on her phone laying on the sofa while I pretty much do everything (this is because she's had him all day while I have been working) this is slightly annoying as I literally hate my job and it's full on all day, and then all evening too with not much help (I let this go though) But the main problem is that my boys from the past relationship are not very happy coming round at the weekend anymore when they used to love it before me and my girlfriend got together, this really cuts me up! When they come over they stay at my girlfriend's house ad my place is not finished and they spend most of the time arguing with the girlfriend's son and me trying to break them all up while trying to sort out the 9 month old, couple this with my girlfriend and her mum getting really stressed out and loosing it because it's so hectic. Anyway I try and take all of them out on my own as like I said she can't go anywhere because of the anxiety... which is pretty hard work. My boys never want to come over because of these reasons. My girlfriend even said I'm going to have to start having them at my parents because she can't handle them being round which I said would be fine, she then took it back as she said it's not fair I get to spend time away from the baby... I have now said that I want to spend some quality time with my boys away from all the chaos, I'm talking Sunday afternoon before I take them home to their mum. This is the biggest problem apparently I'm the worst dad in the world, I do nothing to help I'm a disgrace etc etc.... she was even grabbing my face the other night while I was holding the baby because I said it was fair for me to take the Boys out because I keep saying to her to do something with her nipper on their own for some quality time. (Apparently this makes me the worst person alive as she doesnt want to do that so neither should i)

Like I said it's not like I don't help, I have the baby the min I get in from work, on the weekends I take all 4 children to swimming lessons on my own, take all 4 out random places on my own etc... admittedly on the weekends I don't have my boys I sometimes try and get a few hours work in on the house but oh do I pay for it! The main thing I want is to just spend a few hours alone with my boys to maybe go see my parents or do some painting with them as I know they are struggling with this situation. This unfortunately really upsets my girlfriend! Is it really that bad? I mean she really goes nuts when I say I want to do anything that doesn't involve me having all the kids... on top of this my girlfriend's ex keeps letting her nipper down so she expects me to help even more, but i really don't know how I can help any more other than not spending any 1 on 1 time with my kids which I really do think they need at the moment.

My girlfriend is now threatening me with she is going to have an abortion as I don't help her. I honestly don't know what to do anymore, I'm doing my best to try and keep everyone happy but failing everyone by the seems of it. According to my girlfriend I'm the worst dad, I'm selfish, and generally a pretty horrible person. After over a year of this i just don't feel there is anything left between us and I'm pretty confident she only wants me here to help with the kids. And most the time I feel im only here for the baby and because I am worried she will have an abortion. But on the other hand I know she's not going to cope with another baby! I have no idea what to do anymore.... there's plenty more I could say but I'm pretty sure no one will still be reading anyway as this really went on! Would be amazing if anyone is still reading and gives me their opinion on what I should do...

Thanks for reading if anyone actually made it to the end

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Take your son's and go and have an afternoon with them once a month. Tell your wife she'll be fine and that you'll be back to hold her hand in three to four hours. Then just go.


Your wife is being enabled to be a princess in waiting by her parents. Get her to a psychiatrist to help her with this so called anxiety. Frankly, she's not able to cope with another child so why aren't you using double protection to avoid another pregnancy? How will she (you) ever cope with another one?


I feel sorry for you and your sons. Get marriage counselling and if need be, get her parents to watch the kids once a month so the two of you can have a decent date night without ANY children. Family counselling wouldn't be a bad idea either so that you're ALL (grandparents to) on the same page when it comes to parenting styles.


I hope your wife is reading this thread. She's not a princess and she needs to understand that you need time with your son's once in a while. Let her have the same time with her son once in a while as well... not to sit at home and doing nothing while you do everything but rather to take him out for a piece of pizza (or whatever) one-on-one. Poor kids nose is going to be even more out of joint when he has to compete with another one for her attention.


Good luck... sit together and make out a schedule for those times mentioned above.

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I agree with all the above poster said. You don't need your wife's permission to take your kids out to dinner. Just tell her you're doing it and then DO IT. She can yell all her "me, me, me" BS to the door as it closes behind you. When you get home from work, and she hands you the baby, kiss him, hug him, put him in the pack n play and go shower and change clothes. Take control of the situation. It feels as though she is controlling everything due to her b*tching.


As someone who is dealing with infertility, I would never recommend an abortion...but perhaps this next baby should be put up for adoption. This is a terrible environment for all kids involved. I really don't think that staying with your girlfriend because of the child(ren) is a good idea either. You deserve to be happy. Your kids deserve an example of a functional, loving relationship. This is absolute chaos.

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They arent married !!!!!


Wow, what an entitled Princess you have tied yourself to


How did you meet her? Seeing as her anxiety is so bad that she cant leave the house ? Has this only started since having the baby?


She is playing you like a fiddle. What a load of garbage stopping you from spending time with your twins. If you dont start spending good quality time with them they will become distant & eventually refuse to come & stay with you.


Stop letting this woman walk all over you. Set some boundaries, like you will see to the baby once you have had a shower, and you wont do all the night time duties alone, you will do them together. You both "work" during the day, so you should both help with household things at night.


Not sure what is going to happen when the baby is born, but I think things will become worse if you dont get tough now.

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It sounds like you are trying your best, your girlfriend sounds crazy. Now I'm not saying things can't improve, but the situation can't stay the way it is. Would it be possible to pay for daycare 1 or 2 days a week so she can get a break from the kids? Staying home caring for young children can be very stressful, and if she is stressed out and anxious it WILL have an impact on the kids.


I think that the previous poster's suggestion of couple's/family counseling is a good one. But honestly, what mother will threaten to get an abortion simply because she is angry at her partner? I am pro choice but that still bothers me a lot.


As the daughter of a crazy mother I can attest to the fact that harm done in early childhood can affect a person for the rest of their life, even if the bad person is removed from the picture. Don't risk your children's well-being just because you feel like you have to stay with this woman. You might want to talk to an attorney to see what your odds are of getting full custody of the children you have with her (assuming she doesn't abort the second one).


What reasons do you have to want to stay with her? If you knew for sure that you could get custody, would you be out the door tomorrow? Do you feel like you have to stay just so the kids have a two parent household? If that is what is keeping you there, get out! If she is having such trouble handling the kids then she might gladly give you custody.

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Your girlfriend is emotionally controlling you. You're suffering from emotional abuse. Since you probably don't want to just simply leave (although that would be the quickest way to handle it), you're going to have to fight back (but not by fighting with her). To counteract her, you have to act like a psychiatrist. It's difficult to do, but it's possible to do.


First of all, don't believe what she is telling you about being a bad father. You have to build up your self-esteem and self-respect. It sounds like you are a great father!


Next, when she goes off on you, you have to redirect her abuse. If she accuses you of being a bad father, then ask her, why do you think so? What am I doing that's so bad? What do you think I should be doing? You do know I have to work eight hours a day? In other words, keep directing whatever she says at you back to her. Force her to come up with answers. She may start to convince herself that what she's saying isn't true.


There are other techniques you can look up online. You either have to walk out of this situation or fight back.

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Thank you all for your reply, you have confirmed what I already thought...

Think the problem is I have been too lenient as I know she's struggling with stuff but she is basically abusing that and is now taking the mick... I will just stick to my guns and help as I have been but at least I know I can take my boys out guilt free!

Oh and in response to a couple of questions, we met before she had this anxiety, that came on after she had the baby and as for what she thinks I'm doing while I'm at work, I think she thinks I'm just chilling out with my mates all day or something! Lol.

Thanks again for your input!

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Thanks yeah I do try this sort of stuff but she just talks over me the whole time gets into a right mess. I then try and walk away from it but she follows me around still going on... it's pretty hard work. Believe me I do just want to walk away but I feel sorry for her. It's like she's properly losing it.

I've never had anyone talk to me the way she does and I'm not like that to her. The problem is all her mates and family agree with her which she thinks strengthens her argument.... Thanks for your reply

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Oh I did mention custody to her but she just laughed and said I wouldn't be able to do it!?

Also I have suggested family etc helping out as they do offer, but she won't have anyone help other than her mum, who has bad arthritis so can't hold him for long.... and yo be honest I think she's getting sick of the stress of being round...

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  • 4 weeks later...

It’s easy to blame the other person when we only hear your side. Not saying you aren’t struggling to do what’s right, but validating you and demonizing her doesn’t really solve anything does it?

Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?


Both of you are overwhelmed. Who or what can you use to take some burden off?

A housekeeper, a daycare, a family member to help out? Where are the grandmas, the aunts, the uncles?

Before you say you can’t afford certain solutions, can you afford the other consequence?


You also need to find time alone with her. You need to have a relationship just the two of you, so you can cultivate a team mindset and not feel like adversaries shuffling blame and responsibility back and forth.


For instance what if when you take your boys, you arrange for someone else to take the other kids? Then you get your time alone with your boys and she gets her time alone to calm down. She needs time alone to manage anxiety, such as working out or taking walks or meditating. If her anxiety began after having a child, there is a good chance postpartum depression is an issue. She may need to see a professional.


Start incorporating spiritual practices into your family. Lack of spirituality is a root of these conflicts because people aren’t cultivating their inner person.

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