Struggling with shift of dynamics with 'in-laws'

[Claire Morris]

Hi, I want to first point out that I realise some things I'll say in this sound like I'm a spoilt brat.... I promise I'm not. I realise how lucky I am!! Truly - my diamond shoes are too tight.... BUT....

 

So I've been in a relationship for around two and a bit years. I love him to pieces and to date, I've been VERY lucky to get on with his family as much I do. His father isn't around, just his Mum and we're great friends!! Even born on the same day!! He is an only child and has a very VERY close bond with his cousin. They're more like brother and sister than cousins! Anyway sadly, dynamics have slightly changed, due to sad reasons. His Aunt, so his Mum's (v.close) sister and his cousin's Mum died at the beginning of this year. She was on her own too so the family unit was, Aunt, Cousin, BFs Mum and BF. So that's that background.

 

Next...

During the relationship, my boyfriend and I shared a love of Cornwall. I never wanted to be down there full time, but nor did I want to be in London when we (hopefully!!) started to have children. I had hoped to be between my parents, his cousin and his mum... so just outside London. However slowly slowly, whilst renting in London, my BF bought a place in Cornwall as we couldn't afford to buy in London. AMAZING, don't get me wrong, a home in Cornwall - BRILLIANT.

 

Meanwhile....

I left my job due to mental bullying by one of the guys I looked after... my BF was a driving force of me doing it, I was so low, depressed even, crying morning, anxiety attacks at work and miserable in the evening... and he just said to do it, as it wasn't worth it and we'd work it out. Bang went my salary... so we had to rethink our living situation. Fortunately, but obviously sadly with his aunt dying, her place in London (near to where we lived) became vacant....and his cousin happily agreed, mutually to rent it to us. It suited her as it meant she could leave a lot (A LOT LOT LOT LOT!!) of her Mum's stuff in it, as well as knowing us rather than strangers renting it, and also means that when she's working in London or wants to visit (get away from the kids) she can stay........

 

So a couple of months ago, I finished my job and me and my BF ventured to our new home in Sussex (along with my rescue cat) with the view to being in it before starting works. THE DAY we moved down there my BF told me he'd invited his Cousin, her husband, their v young two kids and their dog to stay. Don't get me wrong, I love them and get on with them however I wanted to do the unpacking and settling of my cat, living our dream for a week, getting sorted for guests before we started asking people. Not to mention, after a five hour drive, wanting to settle my cat in to a new home, which you need to do properly.... so she was left locked upstairs with smells of dogs. Various stuff happened during their stay, including the husband just beginning to start pulling out the very overgrown garden, which I'd told my BF I was so looking forward to sorting.... he just went in to the garden and started.... and my BF didn't see the problem. I suppose had I not been so desperate and vocal that I wanted to work on it myself I wouldn't and shouldn't have been so upset... but my feeling is, I wouldn't just go in to his (treasured) garden at his home and start ripping things up, cutting things back etc etc.... anyway, for the first time in front of them I blew up over it, and ended up leaving the house and just getting away from it all. Whilst I was out of the house I received apology texts from my BF and them saying they realised they'd overstepped the mark and it's my house etc. ANYWAY...... my BF went back up to London a couple of days later and I was left entertaining them all, and the mamouth tidy up after, as well as FINALLY being able to unpack and sort our stuff, as well as cleaning all the house from previous owner.

 

THEN......My BFs cousin invited herself, her best friend, and her child, so three children under four, as well as a stranger to stay at my home whilst my BF was working in town..... I can't believe I'm saying this, but fortunately I developed bronchitis and mild pneumonia and my BF was 'FORCED' to cancel them.... I'm not sure if it was me being ill or the fact it was forecast to rain all week that made them not come. Again, my thinking on this, I wouldn't just invite myself and my friend to go and stay at her house!? AM I WRONG??

 

Meanwhile..... back in London, my BFs cousin had started works to her Mum's house to get it up to date so in future it was rentable to tenants and more so for us. Five months later, I came back last Saturday to be told there were still some 'tweaks' but it was done..... to find my 'mother in law' waiting at the house with the builders.... she'd taken on the role of project manager during the works to keep herself busy after her sister died.... anyway 1. The builders weren't finished (and only just finished on Weds) 2. The front garden was filled wih stuff from the house/builders bits, and all over the house... the living room, cupboards, bedrooms etc etc etc especially the kitchen was filled with the Aunt's stuff... personal stuff. I knew I was taking on A LOT of her furniture, but her bits and bobs were everywhere. I feel SO cold for saying all of this, I just feel like nothing is mine. Anyway - her daughter (BFs cousin) came up on Wednesday so we could work through the kitchen cupboards and cupboards under stairs etc etc. So I just got my headset straight that I just wouldn't touch a thing in the kitchen cupboards or other things until then......... which I was a bit (selfishly) miffed about.... i just felt she'd spent weeks on holiday, then at ours for a week then away again and why wasn't she spending it sorting out the house..... so anyway - because I thought we'd sort on Wednesday I spent most days keeping BFs mum company, going to hers for a boozy lunch on Sunday, being here on Monday and Tuesday doing bits... and then came Wednesday. The day everything was supposed to be gone through.

 

SO....the Mum and cousin have never really got on but now they're v close, I had said no to them bringing the dog as I was settling my cat, which was already stressful re travel, new house, builders, mess etc etc, so they agreed NO DOG. So the Mum came over to mine in the morning...... again. I realised that with the mum at mine, who was going to look after the dog...... the house is open plan and the dog HATES cats so I had to lock my cat upstairs.... I don't understand why they didn't think, this is her home, she's settling her cat, she's already said no, when they get here, I'll take the dog back to my house for the day.. but no. I had to shift my actions and cater to them.

 

So anyway, the whole time I kept feeling like the mum and cousin were shooting each other looks... anything i said or did. When I asked about bits that I'd found in the cupboards etc etc whether they were staying etc etc.... every time they saw something in the MOUND of what (I made) organised they'd pick things up asking if I wanted it, why didn't I want it,.... later I found a few things moved off it so that it's kept.... stuff I JUST WOULDN'T AND DON'T WANT, in an already filled house of someone else's things. I kept getting asked where things were too... Anyway it got so awkward I just stopped.... and as such NOTHING got done..... I GET that it's their Mum's/Sister's home.... but I have been so patient, and understanding about all the stuff we're 'storing for them' so they avoid storage costs or having to move it all. Even though MY sister is storing all sorts of furniture of mine I'D LIKE in this house... but there's no room due to their stuff.....

 

Anyway back to the day...fast forward to 6pm and they're still here, and my cat was upstairs still and my BF had got back from work and I took him aside and just asked when he thought the dog would be going he got all annoyed and then he mentioned his mum leaving and she left upset, and later messaged the cousin saying she'd been kicked out..... she's now ignoring me, and my BF..... I don't feel (and please tell me if you disagree!!) that I'm all that wrong.... I asked the dog didn't come which was hard enough as I never stick up for myself...it did. I didn't ask for it to go at any point in the day..... I waited until the end of the day... am I wrong??

 

Anyway - the cousin stayed the night, the mum sent her a message how we'd kicked her out. The next morning the mum comes around to drop the dog back. She didn't come in but the dog did and barked and showed fangs to my cat. The mum wouldn't look at me or my BF, and like I say, having VERY close relationship with me is now ignoring me and not returning texts. So I feel terrible.

 

Yesterday I BLITZED the kitchen, it's FILLED to the brim with stuff, and I must have washed (no dishwasher) 100s of plates, bowels, cutlery etc etc, and it's hardly been touched of all the pots and pans and washing out the cupboards. It's only a small house so everything is now lovely and visable to the cousin who (I'm told) is coming to stay next week. Bascially I feel not only like a skivvy, free labour doing house clearance and cleaning of her Mum's house just so I can USE it.....we're paying rent. I feel like I'm trapped in their bubble. My BF is currently in the kirchen packing things up for her to take away.... however he's also telling me various things I have no choice in keeping. I get that it's his aunts stuff etc, but I have NOTHING of my own family stuff, and here I am having to be sentimental about EVERYTHING of someone elses.

 

This goes on, but I'm boring myself writing it. I just feel like I'm being frowned upon for sticking up for myself to try to make a home, and yet I live in two house (diamond shoes are too tight) with handmedowns from the cousin, or his family/mum and nothing of mine in either. Also, I'm told as well as see (high chair in position food in cupboards) that the cousin will be staying lots at place in Cornwall and in London..... and I don't seem to have any choice.

 

My boyfriend is telling me they're doing US a huge favour by letting us rent this house.........I get that, they could have rented to strangers, however we're paying around 200 quid less than going rate a month, but we're paying for bills, as well as it means they all have a place to stay (a lot apparently) they also get to have all the stuff here, plus skivvy here clearing it all. I feel like I'm on my own, with nothing of mine, and I can't talk to my BF without him saying they're doing us a favour or agreeing with them about wanting reminders of his aunt (what about my family) or what's the point in buying new things to furnish it with (What about the furniture, MY sister is having out of the goodness of her heart storing for me) I literally feel trapped and I can't talk to anyone. Even the cat/dog thing. Also I have been SO inclusive of his mum even more so then his cousin or him at times, she called me EVERYDAY i was in Cornwall miz about them...... and now I'm being ignored by her. I just feel so flat and I'm after some advice.

 

How do I talk to my bf without him thinking I'm being ungrateful?

How do I manager my 'inlaws'?

Has anyone any coping mechanisms for me when I'm feeling so overwhelmed with it all?

 

HELP!!!!!

[Seraphim]

Move out immediately. You are not going to be able to restore those relationships otherwise .

[yatsue]

I think it was rude of the mother to disregard your agreement towards leaving the dog behind. However, you do not own the house. It is not yours. You are renting. Which means the family of the aunt (or willed owner) can do what they want with their house, legally at that. They can kick you out for any reason with notice to vacate. Unless you have a contract, you are at their mercy.

 

This is the price you pay for a discounted rate that has no contract (meaning no deposit, additional fees for pets, insurance, down payment, early termination of lease fees, etc). If you don't like it enough, or in this case if the arrangement causes too much friction in the family, then move out to a real apartment with a lease.

 

I would call or talk in person (not text) the mother directly that this incident about the dog was a misunderstanding and you want to amend the relationship. However, you either would like to draw out an official, legal contract outlining the terms of the tenancy, or you appreciate the offer but would like to rent elsewhere. You need to talk to the legal owner of the house, not your boyfriend.

 

Btw, your real name isn't Claire Morris, is it....?

[indea08]

I agree, move out. It's clear that they aren't "letting" you rent the house. They are using you as a way to take the easiest road in dealing with all that's left. They don't want to go through and get rid of things, or clean up the house, or find new renters, etc. You are a convenience to them.

 

And who on earth invites people to STAY with them before even having unpacked? I don't really like having ANYONE stay the night in my house that isn't my husband or my daughter. And I'm comfortable there, been there for years. You should've started standing up for yourself at the beginning. You should've told your boyfriend "No. We just drove 5 hours. I'm tired. We have all of our stuff to unpack. I have a very unsettled cat. They can VISIT (NOT stay the night) in a week or two. And there is no reason at all they should EVER bring their dog to your home, especially without your permission!

 

This situation is going to ruin all the relationships involved, including yours with your boyfriend.

 

You can't stay there. And who the he|| would want to? You've got to find somewhere of your own to live. If MIL and cousin can't understand that, oh well. Their problem.

[DancingFool]

My advice to you and that you have got to learn how to say no, politely but firmly, and how to draw and enforce personal boundaries, again politely but firmly.

 

You aren't any kind of fortunate - you are a convenience to everyone else around you and you are miserable precisely because you aren't standing up for yourself until you are boiling over and then it all turns bad on you because it's more of a frustrated explosion than a polite, "sorry not going to work for me this week."

 

Go over to mother's house - talk to her, apologize, explain the misunderstanding and patch things up with her. Clear the air so to speak.

 

Sit your boyfriend down and tell him firmly what you need - basic respect. Meaning that when you are a couple and live together, you do not make unilateral decisions about having people over. You ALWAYS consult with your SO first and make certain they are OK with that. If you are not OK with whatever is being proposed, you need to speak up immediately.

 

Same goes for people inviting themselves over to your house. It's not possible if you know how to say, "sorry, no can do, going to be busy next week."

 

People will always walk all over you and bully you for as long as you don't say NO in a firm, timely, clear manner.