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Burn your fire for no witness


Radiate21

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A sanctuary for me to process, vent, record, and grow.

 

Developments that I would like to see in myself over the next year:

  • Learn to be completely happy without a relationship
  • Learn to forgive myself for my past and future mistakes as long as I am learning
  • Work out at least 3 times per week
  • Find at least 2 new hobbies
  • Read for at least 30 minutes every day
  • Get over him. DON'T contact him for a whole year.
  • Have hope that there is someone else out there for me
  • Tackle my abandonment and insecurity issues with my therapist
  • Decide what type of grad school I want to go to
  • Strengthen my friendships
  • Strengthen my relationship with my sister
  • Strengthen my family relationships
  • Be open to making new friends wherever I go
  • Show up to work before 8:00am every morning
  • Do at least one social thing every week that involves meeting new people
  • Do at least two social things every week with friends
  • Decide where I want to settle down
  • Learn to stick to new habits
  • Grocery shop once a week
  • Add to my recipe binder and cook 3 times per week

 

I am at the most difficult time of my life. I've never felt so broken, alone, and fearful for my future. I need to find the strength to push on and trust that I will find happiness again. This depression and anxiety will not put out the fire of my spirit. I must begin the journey towards healing and self-forgiveness. I must grasp less tightly onto my idealized vision of my perfect future with the perfect husband and the perfect family. I must accept that life does not always go as expected. I must accept that I may not find "the one," my "soul mate," and that no man can ever make me happy.

 

I must accept the unknown. I must accept that although he was absolutely incredible, we were not ready or right for one another. It never would have worked. Never. IT NEVER WOULD HAVE WORKED. It was a terrible and unhealthy cycle. You were so unhappy. You were muted, living in fear. Of course, it was not his fault, but it was not entirely yours either. Please forgive yourself for clinging so tightly onto a boy who showed you over and over that he was perfectly okay with leaving you. Please do not get into something serious again until you can be that girl without any red flags. Don't enter a new relationship until you are truly whole again.

 

I do not know how long this will take. I will continue to write to my heart's content and will not bottle this all up inside. I will be okay. I will heal.

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Day 12 post breakup today.

 

I had so much trouble getting out of bed this morning. I only made it to work by 8:10 because my boss got upset with me for being late the last few days. I feel like I'm going to vomit and can't eat a thing. I constantly have tears welling up in my eyes and I know that people notice I'm not myself. The meds have definitely not kicked in yet, and I'm not sure they'll help much.

 

I can't stop thinking about you, baby. You were my life, my love. I've never felt so close with anyone before. And you were so wonderful. Your family was so wonderful. I love you all so much. I would have had a picture perfect life with you, baby. All of the pieces were there. All of them. How can it have gotten so broken? I can't understand it. I'm so devastated and feel like I will never be the same after you.

 

I need to try and get into my head that things weren't as perfect as I'm telling myself. I need to write out all of the reasons that we didn't work, that we weren't compatible. It's so painful and I can hardly think of anything. I don't think I'm ready to try right now, but maybe tomorrow. In my mind you are still the perfect, lovely boy that I fell in love with and who brightens everyone he meets. You have this magic about you that I just know I will never capture again. My heart.

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I went to the grocery store for the first time since the breakup. I almost broke down sobbing in public. Somehow, there were reminders of us on every shelf. Now I am crying uncontrollably in my bed and have no idea how I'll live without you. The only thing that comforts me is knowing that I could end my life if it gets too painful. I am really worried for myself.

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I caved and texted you that I miss you. I'm so ashamed of myself. I know that you won't reply. I know that I won't start healing if I keep reaching out to you. I don't know how I'm going to survive this. You are such a wonderful human with so much magic about you. I know I just need to try to look forward.

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Day 13 post breakup. Day....0 of no contact

 

This morning, I got to work at 8:10 again. I almost threw up while I was brushing my teeth. I can hardly keep my water down. I feel like a zombie going through the motions of what's expected of me but not feeling any part of it. I'm completely engulfed in my grief, regret, misery, loneliness.

 

This morning, while getting ready, walking to my car, and driving. I was literally talking to myself like a crazy person, just reciting over and over again statements to combat the hopeless, regretful, fearful thoughts. I am not 100% sure if these things are true yet, but I need to keep telling myself that they are until I start to believe them. I know that part of me believed all of these things while we were together, so why can't I believe them now? Part of me knows that my mind is playing tricks on me. It's the chemicals, the hormones, the withdrawals, my brain is physically withdrawing from you and these thoughts are to make sense of that feeling. I need to keep reminding myself of the positive, hopeful, realistic thoughts that are not embedded in fantasy, in could-have-beens, in my skewed visions of reality.

 

Here are some of the statements that I just must keep repeating to myself, over and over. Maybe it will help me. It certainly got me to work in one piece this morning.

 

-He wasn't right for me

-I wasn't happy

-I would have never been able to trust him

-He didn't communicate effectively enough with me and it made me uneasy

-He was too fickle with me. He didn't understand his emotions

-He is immature. He is still a child

-His sense of humor was too childish. He may never change.

-My friends thought he was immature

-My sister always knew he wasn't the one for me

-He annoyed me most of the time

-I had so many doubts when I was with him

-I knew he wasn't right

-It was sweet that he brought me flowers when we were on a break, but I didn't enjoy it at the time. Remember? I wanted him GONE

-We never had intellectual conversations

-He didn't have a whole lot of depth

-He didn't have very deep emotions it seemed

-There was something missing

-He is not the guy for me

-His friendliness was over the top for someone like me

-His boundaries were not realistic for me

-His boundaries were childish. He didn't think he could ever overstep with another girl by being friendly. Calling them pet names meant nothing to him. He called my friend SWEET PEA in a text and justified it! Even if it meant nothing to him, I don't need to be with a guy who has those boundaries

-He was not invested enough in the relationship to tell met hat he was having doubts again towards the end. He took me on a beach vacation with his family and dumped me a week later. He didn't say anything about being unhappy during the vacation. He continued to feed me, I don't want to say lies, but non-truths about being committed and loving me. This came from immaturity. Do I want to be married to a man who has so much trouble revealing his true thoughts?

-There is someone better out there for me

-I've already dated FOUR nice, sweet, loyal, thoughtful guys since I started dating. In the last SIX years! That's a lot! I will definitely find another one!

-I'm not even ready to date AT ALL and I already met a super sweet guy who's into me! Sweet, good guys are attracted to me, and I have a good radar for them! I won't get myself into an abusive or unhealthy relationship because I know what to look for! Don't be afraid!

-I will learn so much from this experience! I will be so much stronger for my next relationship

-It was not all my fault. Yes, I was insecure, I looked through his phone, I picked unnecessary fights, I was oh so emotional, but think about why. He has made me feel THIS bad, has made me feel SUICIDAL, SEVEN. TIMES. HE HAS DUMPED ME ON MY ASS AND BROKEN MY HEART SEVEN TIMES. NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD EVER BE ABLE TO TRUST A MAN WHO HAS PUT THEM THROUGH THAT MUCH EMOTIONAL TURMOIL. NO ONE. THERE IS NOTHING. ABSOLUTELY. NOTHING. WRONG WITH ME. I was walking on eggshells. I was always horrified he would leave me. Of course every small action was proof of it, how could it not be? Look at what he has done!!!! Please, I need to forgive myself.

-I am NOT doomed to be an insecure wreck in all of my future relationships. Yes, I do have attachment issues. Yes, I do have deeply rooted insecurities. Yes, I have been abandoned by many childhood friends and that has made me fearful of abandonment. This is a great time for me to work through all of that with my therapist. To do the work, the research. I am smart enough to come out of this on the other side and become a secure person. I know it. I'm only 23, stop being so hard on yourself!!

-I never would have been able to find myself while in that relationship. He was always a crutch. He would have continued to be a crutch. I was so complacent, and was not able to work on myself while with him. That never would have changed. He was like a shawl that I was able to throw over my insecurities and worries. But those insecurities and worries were like water, leaking through that shawl and staining it with dark spots, wetting it, ruining the dye. It never would have worked. It was always broken.

-There WILL be someone else. I am only going to get better and better and will only attract more and more suitable people. Please convince yourself of this!!!!

-He was not right. Something was missing.

-Something was missing.

-I thought about other guys. I had a huge crush on my friend while dating him. That was a sign of a problem!!

-I was the one who asked for a break six months ago. I was the one who initiated the 'mutual' breakup that we had that only lasted a few days

-I LITERALLY HAD TO TELL MYSELF TO BE AN ACTRESS AND ACT LIKE I WAS HAPPY AND EVERYTHING WAS OKAY TO GET THROUGH DINNER WITH HIM

-I'm missing the fantasy of what I wanted us to be. Not of what we actually WERE

-The fantasy of our life would have never become a reality. NEVER. N E V E E E E E R.

-I will be happier and more whole once I get through this heartbreak.

-I will never depend on another man this much ever again. This is such an important lesson for my soul.

-If I can prove to myself that I can get through this and get to a point where thinking of him doesn't hurt me, think about how HUGE of an accomplishment that will be. I will have so much more confidence in myself as a person.

-I was not happy. I was always stressed. He never would have been able to fill that void that I wanted him to fill, and this is the time for me to learn that no one ever will.

-I am going through such an important time in my life. This is important. This pain is where real wisdom comes from. I will be WISE after I go through this.

-Every day that I go on just LIVING is a huge accomplishment. It's okay to stay at home. It's okay to stay in bed. As long as you take care of your body and your kitties and text your friends and call your family, you are doing okay. And I am proud of you. And I love you.

-This will teach me to love myself. Loving myself is the only way that I will get through this

-He was not right for you. Sure, he was a great guy, but something was missing

-Remember when I moved here last May? Remember that's when the doubts started? I wasn't sure if I should have picked up my life and moved here to be with him. I thought maybe the thoughts would subside once I settled in at my new job and made some friends. But did the thoughts ever subside? No. I was forcefully repressing them. Trying to act like they weren't there. Being an ACTRESS. I was outside of my body when I had "happy" experiences with him, most of the time. Sure, there were good times, but most of the time I was PRETENDING. REMEMBER THAT!!! YOU WERE PRETENDING!!!!!!

-He was safe, secure, oh so comforting, often reassuring, he was like a prince for me. Of course it is terrifying to lose that. But none of it was real or right!

-I will find someone better for me

-I will meet someone else

-Not all guys are jerks. Not all guys have commitment issues.

-There are guys who want what I want. There are guys who want to raise a family and be loyal to one woman. He wasn't the ONLY guy who wants that.

-There are guys who will write me cards, bring me flowers, take me to surprise dinners, make me art, there are other guys who will want to do that for me because that is what I bring out in other people. I am such a thoughtful and loving girl. All of those sweet things I did for him. That's why he treated me like that. Not because he is some magical being. I will bring out the best in someone else, too.

-I WILL MEET SOMEONE ELSE!!! When I am ready. I will!

-I will meet someone else who will make me laugh until I cry. Who will make me feel like I am walking on clouds. Who I will trust. Who I won't need AS much reassurance from, because I will know deep in my heart that it's RIGHT, and that HE feels it too. I never knew that with him! My distrust came in part from worrying that he felt the same way I WAS FEELING!!!!

-I will absolutely meet someone else just as great as him. I will absolutely love and trust again. I will. Absolutely.

-Please do not listen to those fearful thoughts that you won't find anyone else great. If you could find someone great in a frat house at age 20 when you were still feeling like a hot mess inside, you can find someone a year from now when you're 24 and GOT ALL YO S-- TOGETHER GIRL. Think about how much more you have now! You got your degree from a top 15 university. You have a job where you're basically a director already and it's been 13 months since you've been in the workforce. You are a bad. a--. Also. You are hot. For real. You're hot. Guys dig you. And you're funny. And even though you're not feeling 100% right now, you can still fake it and people are STILL drawn to you. Think about how much better it will be when you're ACTUALLY FEELING IT? FEELIN YOURSELF?

-You are so beautiful. You have a great body. You have a gorgeous face. You have gorgeous eyes.I don't know why I keep switching between first and second person. Sounds like an identity crisis. Oops.

-I am great. I am a catch. I will get everything that I want in life. I am lucky to have what I have. I am so, so, so blessed. I do not need that one boy. I DO NOT NEED THAT ONE BOY. IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW GREAT HE WAS. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT. HE WAS JUST. A. BOY. THERE IS MORE TO LIFE THAN NICE BOYS WHO DO NICE THINGS FOR YOU. THERE'S MORE. TO . LIIIIIIFE.

 

Alright. I think that's enough for now. I should probably start doing actual work

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Well, the catharsis that I received from writing all of that out lasted for about an hour.

 

How long will I feel like this for? I've already lost 5 pounds. I sobbed uncontrollably for an hour straight yesterday. I didn't even know I could have that many tears. I can't focus on work at all.

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I can't believe I just texted you again. You may have even blocked my number already after we said goodbye a couple days ago. I cannot picture a life of happiness without you. I keep thinking about your family, your parents' big house with the pool we used to always swim in, their dogs, all of the huge family parties, all of the family vacations. I'll never have as much fun with another family again. I'll never meet another guy who's so sweet and innocent yet has so much in his life. I'm at such a loss.

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I'm having dark thoughts. I'm worried for my life again. I am so at a loss. I have zero hope of ever moving on from you. It's so devastating. All of the pieces were as perfect as they will ever be for me. No one else will ever fill the role of partner as well as you did.

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Hi Radiate, I'm going through a horrible breakup now too, and I'm having so much trouble with NC as well. I keep finding stupid reasons to break it. In my case, he's technically the one breaking the NC, but he's texting with stupid things, like am I watching the game. Instead of ignoring, like I should, I answer, and then we end up in huge texting strings, which of course end in arguments, and make me feel so much worse. Last night, I admittedly started pouring my heart out to him, telling him how heartbreaking this was, etc., and I saw more of his true colors as he responded very coldly.

 

It made me realize that, in my case, he's only keeping in contact because he feels lonely, not because he misses me. I mean, he could miss me, but he's certainly not showing it. So for me, keeping the texting alive is making me feel worse than if I had just sat with my feelings.

 

I think you have a great list of stuff in your first post.

 

Question: Are you spending time with friends, family members, or even a therapist? For me, that's honestly the best thing in the world. Today, I met a friend for lunch, and TBH we just gossiped about a bunch of stuff, and I just had 2 hours where he wasn't the only thing on my mind. And yes, she gave me some feedback on him, but we changed the subject, drank a glass of wine, and enjoyed our time. Are you doing stuff with people you're close to?

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Hi Radiate, I'm going through a horrible breakup now too, and I'm having so much trouble with NC as well. I keep finding stupid reasons to break it. In my case, he's technically the one breaking the NC, but he's texting with stupid things, like am I watching the game. Instead of ignoring, like I should, I answer, and then we end up in huge texting strings, which of course end in arguments, and make me feel so much worse. Last night, I admittedly started pouring my heart out to him, telling him how heartbreaking this was, etc., and I saw more of his true colors as he responded very coldly.

 

It made me realize that, in my case, he's only keeping in contact because he feels lonely, not because he misses me. I mean, he could miss me, but he's certainly not showing it. So for me, keeping the texting alive is making me feel worse than if I had just sat with my feelings.

 

I think you have a great list of stuff in your first post.

 

Question: Are you spending time with friends, family members, or even a therapist? For me, that's honestly the best thing in the world. Today, I met a friend for lunch, and TBH we just gossiped about a bunch of stuff, and I just had 2 hours where he wasn't the only thing on my mind. And yes, she gave me some feedback on him, but we changed the subject, drank a glass of wine, and enjoyed our time. Are you doing stuff with people you're close to?

 

Hi LHGirl, I am so sorry that you are going through a breakup, too. I really empathize with your pain and I hope that you are doing okay. NC is so hard. Isn't it crazy how badly we can want to reach out even if they give us nothing in return? It's like wanting to talk to a wall. It's hard to understand.

 

I appreciate you posting here, and reading through my list of goals. It's kind of funny to look at right now because I am so far away from even wanting to tackle any of them. All I can think about right now is functioning normally and trying to maintain some level of a social life. It's like I'm just learning the basics of living all over again. Sigh.

 

I am spending time with friends as much as I can, maybe twice a week I'd say. My family doesn't live in the same state as me but I call my mom multiple times per day and call my dad almost every day too, and text with my sister. I've also been going to therapy twice a week for the last 2 weeks. She's going to limit me to once a week soon but said that I could come twice a week for a little bit while I'm really struggling. She's a great therapist and is really blunt and straightforward with me which I really like. She's super smart and I value everything that she tells me. It is definitely nice to hang out with friends. It really does take my mind off of things for short bursts of time. I just really hate it when it all comes flooding back. I think part of me is afraid to stop thinking about it because of the pain that comes with remembering it all over again. Is that silly? I know that eventually I'll start to think of him and his family and all of our memories less and less, but it sure doesn't feel like that's happening any time soon.

 

Again, thanks for the post, and I hope that your journey continues to get easier and easier as you heal. I'm here for you!

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No Contact Day 1 / Day 14 Post Breakup

 

Ugh. I sent him several texts yesterday, he didn't reply to a single one. Not once! I also called him, and it rang the whole time so I know he didn't block my number. I am baffled that this is so easy for him. I know I've lost all of my dignity with my pleading and begging, but there's no taking those texts back. I just need to look forward and prove to myself that I'm stronger than begging for someone who clearly wants to spend their life without me.

 

I ended up going out to the bars with my friends last night and got way more drunk than I had planned. It was a combination of only having half a sandwich during the day and the new medication I'm sure. Even though I got super drunk, I didn't have any breakdowns about my ex or cry a single time. I did ask two of my friends for some pep talks, and they told me that my ex is immature and that I can do better. I wish it helped more to hear my friends say those things. Drunk me also asked my super honest guy friend to rate my attractiveness on a 1-10 scale and he told me that he gives me a 7 and that I'm an attractive girl and that guys are into me. Not sure how I feel about that but it's better than it could be I suppose. Not sure why I thought it a good idea to ask him that!

 

Anyway, I'd call it a win that I was able to be out for 5-6 hours with friends, socializing, and not have any breakdowns. Sure I talked about him here and there and was visibly sad at some points but overall I was able to let loose, and even flirt a little.

 

I don't really see a light at the end of the tunnel right now, but it's nice to prove to myself that I can go out and have some level of fun. At least I'm functioning and getting out of bed every once in a while. I don't know.

 

Today, I have spent the entire day in bed...Mostly because I didn't get enough sleep last night but also because I'm feeling very depressed. I keep playing through sweet memories in my head. Cute things he did for me. Him running out to my car to greet me like an excited little boy when I'd show up at his house. It's so painful to think about. I miss his mom and dad a lot, too. They were so good to me and we had such a good relationship.

 

I hope this starts to get easier soon....No Contact is the only hope and goal I have right now at improving my mental health. Onward I go...

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On my way to therapy right now. I had to take an Uber because I couldn't even get myself out of bed. I'm disappointed that I've been going backwards and not forwards. Really worried about going into work tomorrow and all week. My mom gets here today so hopefully that will help. Not feeling any hope at all today.

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On my way to therapy right now. I had to take an Uber because I couldn't even get myself out of bed. I'm disappointed that I've been going backwards and not forwards. Really worried about going into work tomorrow and all week. My mom gets here today so hopefully that will help. Not feeling any hope at all today.

 

think of it as a spiral path. we go back but we are still better than when we started, and as we progress we spend more and more energy in forward motion. you will make your path, ,your path is there waiting for you

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HI've also been going to therapy twice a week for the last 2 weeks. She's going to limit me to once a week soon but said that I could come twice a week for a little bit while I'm really struggling. She's a great therapist

 

Your therapist is going to limit therapy?????

 

I don't understand this at all.

 

If anything, she should be encouraging your desire to continue to attend, while she continues to help you sort things out.

 

Plus, you've only been seeing her twice a week for 2 weeks. It's not like you've been going for 2 years.

 

To me, I'm sorry, but this would feel like a rejection, and I'd therapist-shop.

 

I've been seeking therapy for the past 1.5 years when I started having issues with my BF. I am on my 5th therapist, and finally found the right fit.

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think of it as a spiral path. we go back but we are still better than when we started, and as we progress we spend more and more energy in forward motion. you will make your path, ,your path is there waiting for you

 

I really like that imagery, thank you

 

@LHGirl, I know it sounds bad what my therapist said, but I still think we are a good match. I dunno, I will think about what you said though.

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No Contact Day 2 / Day 15 Post Breakup

I'm posting this a bit early today because my mom is about to get here, and I'm not sure if I'll be able to post later.

 

It's been a difficult morning. Still can't shake the "I lost my one chance at a good loving relationship" thoughts.

 

My therapist was also our couple's therapist before we broke up, so she knows my ex. And she keeps telling me that she knows he's not the best relationship I'll ever have, but I just don't believe her. I feel like everyone who finds an amazing guy ends up staying with them and marrying them, and I don't get to do that like everyone else is. I have to be heartbroken, and worry that I'll just be alone now, because I'll be too picky.

 

I at least haven't contacted him since Friday. I commend myself for that. I also deleted some of our photos on my phone, just so that they won't be the first thing I see if I open up my camera, but I haven't been able to get myself to go through the rest yet. There are 2 years of photos on that phone. It will be so painful. I may just have to archive EVERYTHING including all of my nature photos and not go through any of them for a couple of years. Jeeze.

 

I found this one article on weddingbee called "Being dumped by a good man," from five years ago, and I like what the women there had to say. That just because he was a good man, doesn't mean he was the right man for you. I'm trying to take this to heart. If he had been right, my insecurities wouldn't have gotten as bad as they did. I wouldn't have turned into that crazy girl that I hate so much. The right guy will ease my insecurities. I know that a lot of it is myself and things I need to work on, but it wasn't all me.

 

I don't know. I hardly believe myself when I say these things. I guess it will just take time before I start to?

 

It's so hard to find material on the internet about people in similar situations to me in terms of losing a guy who's so great, so hubby material, so sweet and sensitive, and feeling like it's your own fault and worrying you won't find anyone else. I wish I had some reason to hate him, or that our relationship had just run its natural course and I didn't feel like I majorly messed up. It hurts so much. I hope if anyone finds themselves where I am one day, they stumble upon this journal and are able to take solace in knowing that someone else has endured what they're enduring.

 

Until tomorrow.

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Re: Your therapist. Look, if you feel you need more than once a week, that's your right. If your therapist doesn't agree, then I think you should find an additional therapist. See each of them once a week. You feel you need it, and you clearly need to talk a lot. There is no shame, no law, that says you can only see one therapist. I'd just let the first one know what you are thinking.

 

I've seen 5 different therapists over the last year, and I've seen different ones at different times. I actually just made an appointment with one from last year who said some interesting things, and predicted a lot of things that ended up happening. So she's not the only therapist I'll be seeing.

 

I know you've written a lot about this, but what was at the heart of your insecurities? Did you ever get the feeling that he'd cheat on you, or did he talk to other women, or just not talk to you enough?

 

I do believe that the right guy will ease your insecurities, or just give you a relationship where insecurities don't exist.

 

But I also think that you (and I, as I'm in the same boat as you) need to work on the root of these insecurities, and bringing things up in a kind and supportive way when they arise. And that takes therapy.

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Re: Your therapist. Look, if you feel you need more than once a week, that's your right. If your therapist doesn't agree, then I think you should find an additional therapist. See each of them once a week. You feel you need it, and you clearly need to talk a lot. There is no shame, no law, that says you can only see one therapist. I'd just let the first one know what you are thinking.

 

I've seen 5 different therapists over the last year, and I've seen different ones at different times. I actually just made an appointment with one from last year who said some interesting things, and predicted a lot of things that ended up happening. So she's not the only therapist I'll be seeing.

 

I know you've written a lot about this, but what was at the heart of your insecurities? Did you ever get the feeling that he'd cheat on you, or did he talk to other women, or just not talk to you enough?

 

I do believe that the right guy will ease your insecurities, or just give you a relationship where insecurities don't exist.

 

But I also think that you (and I, as I'm in the same boat as you) need to work on the root of these insecurities, and bringing things up in a kind and supportive way when they arise. And that takes therapy.

 

You're right. I'll probably end up getting a second one of she really does start to limit me. I appreciate the advice I know it can be so hard to find one that's a good fit AND that fits into your schedule.

 

Re: What was at the heart of my insecurities...Oh boy. Ain't that a loaded question. I suppose I will take a stab at it.

 

Going WAY back, I've been an anxious person since birth and was bullied starting in preschool for being too quiet. My anxiety caused me to lose very close friends in middle and high school because I've always been an easy target for the insecure girls to pick on and gang up on. These past traumas are being discussed with my therapist currently. In college I really reinvented myself and became really "confident" for a while because I proved to myself that if I really want to I can get anyone to like me and I can have tons of friends. Of course, being the introvert that I am I eventually burned out and it wasn't sustainable, but it was certainly a rush and a great year. Since then I think I've kept most of my "close" friends at enough of a distance that my anxiety doesn't affect our friendship. I think I'm too afraid to get very intimately close with anyone after being actively ostracized by my six best friends in high school.

 

So, I went into the relationship with some heavy baggage, ohhh yes I did. I've had similar insecurities with my previous three boyfriends, too. At the center of my worries with all of them is always the idea that they are going to meet someone who they like better and leave me. That singular thought was really the driving force behind all of my insecure, controlling, abusive behaviors in ALL of my relationships.

 

That's my side of it. This last ex also brought his own can of worms to my insecurities and it did not make for a good mix, not at all. He is a VERY friendly guy, raised by very egalitarian parents. To the point where he sees absolutely no difference between men and women and views female and male friendships as exactly the same. That I think is our biggest incompatibility. He could not for the life of him understand why I did not want him to be close friends with the girl at work he had a huge crush on while we were broken up, because to him it felt so innocent and normal. He could not understand for the life of him why I got upset when he picked up my really attractive female friend in the pool and started wrestling with her while she was in a bikini. He didn't understand why I got upset when he texted girls "hey sweet pea" and "hello sunshine," because he was a goofy guy and that's how he texted guys too! That was number one.

 

Number two was that I was his first relationship and really the first person that he ever opened up to a lot emotionally. He really learned how to talk about emotions and how to communicate during the first year of our relationship. I really feel that I taught him a lot in that aspect, because being the very emotional and thought-obsessed person that I am, I am very open and honest about my emotions and really value communication. So. Three months after we first started dating, he came over and said he wants to break up because he feels like he can't be himself without making me uncomfortable (fundamental incompatibility number one). I returned his proposition with the proposition that we had literally NEVER talked about this and that if we want to be in a relationship together then we have to discuss our problems and work through them. This was a foreign concept to him and he had an OH moment and decided to stay with me (eye roll). So...just three months into our relationship I had already lost that foundation I needed to be able to trust him and overcome my insecurities.

 

After that, the breakups just kept coming. I kept getting more and more insecure. Each time he left I became crazier and crazier and tried to hold on tighter and tighter. I never believed his reassurances, I never trusted that he would stay. I never had the thought that of course he won't meet anyone else because he loves me. Because I sure as heck didn't know if he loved me enough to stay. Oof. Thinking about the dynamic makes me cringe. It was so awful. I was so insecure and afraid 100% of the time.

 

On top of that, I started to have doubts about whether he was the right fit for me. I started to notice that he's kind of immature. He makes a lot of dirty jokes. Sometimes he drinks too much. Having doubts made my insecurities worse because I thought, what if he's feeling the same way I'm feeling? I guess I need to be with someone I feel 100% about in order to trust that they feel 100% about me? Does that make sense?

 

So much resentment built up that we were just fighting all the time about everything, not even just about jealousy and insecurity. We just started to piss each other off in GENERAL.

 

It was just an endless spiral of incompatibility.

 

So, in summary, I absolutely agree with you. The right guy would have been able to ease my insecurities, AND I need to work on the root of my insecurities through therapy. The answer of what went wrong in this relationship isn't black and white at all, and I know it was neither of our faults. We just weren't right for each other and I wasn't ready to be in a serious relationship. Honestly, he wasn't either.

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No Contact Day 3 / Day 16 Post Breakup

I feel lighter today. I'm always weary of my strong days because I can remember what it feels like to fall back down.

 

I think having my mom here has a lot to do with it. She's staying at my apartment with me, sleeping next to me, taking me to dinner. We walked around for a couple of hours yesterday.

 

I didn't realize how much of this sadness is about being alone, and not about the absence of him specifically. Having my mom fill the void of loneliness has been so incredibly comforting. It's quite interesting.

 

I think things will get hard again when she leaves, and unfortunately she can't even stay until the weekend. But maybe this experience is shedding some light on the origins of my pain. I need to learn to separate missing him and our relationship from just being lonely and wanting someone to care for me and take care of me.

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He is a VERY friendly guy, raised by very egalitarian parents. To the point where he sees absolutely no difference between men and women and views female and male friendships as exactly the same. That I think is our biggest incompatibility. He could not for the life of him understand why I did not want him to be close friends with the girl at work he had a huge crush on while we were broken up, because to him it felt so innocent and normal. He could not understand for the life of him why I got upset when he picked up my really attractive female friend in the pool and started wrestling with her while she was in a bikini. He didn't understand why I got upset when he texted girls "hey sweet pea" and "hello sunshine," because he was a goofy guy

 

Radiate, this would make most girls very uncomfortable. It's not just him being friends with a female, it's being close friends with the girl he had a huge crush on. And picking up your friend in a bikini and wrestling with her? Texting girls with "hey sweet pea", "hello sunshine".....well these are beyond familiar. All of these things, IMO, cross a line.

 

Furthermore, even if he thinks these things don't cross a line, the fact that you brought them all up as points of discomfort should have encouraged him to ease this discomfort. Maybe not to completely dismiss this female friend, but to include you with her. Maybe not to stop hanging out with your friends at the pool, but to draw the line at physically touching them. Maybe not to stop completely texting female friends, but to begin conversations with a simple "Hi", rather than "sweet pea", etc. He doesn't get a pass because he's "goofy".

 

This is a guy creating an atmosphere of discomfort, then disregarding your stated feelings of discomfort, then calling you crazy/insecure/jealous/insert whatever word you want here.

 

Add to that his consistent breakups, and you were walking on eggshells. Always waiting for another shoe to drop.

 

No wonder you're having such a hard time with this. This really messed with your mind.

 

 

I didn't realize how much of this sadness is about being alone, and not about the absence of him specifically. Having my mom fill the void of loneliness has been so incredibly comforting. It's quite interesting.

 

So I'm going through this too, with my breakup. I had a Saturday full of activities, so I was really fine, until I woke up Sunday, with.....nothing.....to do.....no one....to talk to. And the sadness and loneliness just came at me, so hard, all day. Today, Monday, I woke up, had a lot of work stuff to do, which involved talking to other people, including work friends, clients, etc. Then my sister called, and she needed to do a 45-minute vent about something in her life, and it occurred to me that I hadn't missed him all day.

 

Sometimes, just having people to talk to, even if we're not talking about our sadness or loneliness or re-hashing the relationship, can help so much. Human contact.

 

Do you have friends, other family members, co-workers? People you can just spend time with, either in person or on the phone?

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This is a guy creating an atmosphere of discomfort, then disregarding your stated feelings of discomfort, then calling you crazy/insecure/jealous/insert whatever word you want here.

 

Well, yes, this is true to an extent, but I was sharing the most extreme of the things he did to make a point. And he did agree to things like not texting girls sweet pea or wrestling with them in the pool. He really did try to accommodate my needs. I think we just built up resentment in the process. He wants to be his goofy self, which means he may sometimes come off as flirty even if he doesn't mean to be. And I want him to have the same boundaries as me, which he simply doesn't.

 

I don't want to blame him for creating that atmosphere because he really tried his best to keep me comfortable. I think I took my demands too far for what he was comfortable with. It really did get closer to the point of me not wanting him to talk to any girls at all, given all of the circumstances and lack of trust and his personality that made me even more nervous.

 

I do agree that he called me insecure and blamed the problems on me a lot, though. That was always part of our dynamic. And him acting like I needed to be "fixed" just fed the insecurity fire even more.

 

Do you have friends, other family members, co-workers? People you can just spend time with, either in person or on the phone?.

 

There has been a lot of bad timing. The two of us moved here straight after college and developed a good sized group of recent-college-grad friends in our first year here, but in the last few months they've all started moving away for new jobs, graduate school, etc. It was a temporary stop for most of them. As friends started leaving, I didn't feel an urgent need to make new ones because I had my ex, and we were always together. So, now that he's gone, I'm finding myself with less friends than I would have liked. I can still message/call the friends that used to live here but it's not the same as spending face-to-face time with people.

 

I also started a new job here 3 months ago, under his promise that he was committed to me and that it was a good idea for me to commit to at least another 1-2 years in this city that I moved to for him....So, I don't feel that I can leave here anytime soon. Not that I would want to anyway. I don't want to uproot myself because of him.

 

My therapist and I have been talking about different ways for me to branch out and meet more people. We've agreed that I'll do at least one social thing per week with the intent of meeting new people. It's just so difficult to make new friends when you're feeling depressed and sorry for yourself. It's hard to muster up the energy. But, I'm taking it slow and trying my best.

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No Contact Day 4 / Day 17 Post Breakup

I'm not sure which number to go off of...four days or 17. It feels like I've only done four days' worth of healing, even if he didn't answer my texts for the last few days. At almost 20 days I just feel like I should be doing better. I'm disappointed and worried that I won't heal.

 

I'm feeling very depressed today. I got to work at 7:45 which was an accomplishment. But mostly just because I rolled out of bed, brushed my teeth, threw on some jeans and came in. I look like crap. My hair is disheveled and I'm not wearing any makeup. But I don't even care. I give up on trying to impress anyone right now.

 

I'm so worried. I'm so worried I won't click with anyone else. I'm so worried I ruined my best chance at love. I'm so worried no one else will love me like he did and that I won't be able to be purely myself with anyone else. Why did I have to ruin things with my problems? I don't know what is wrong with me. I'll have to suffer the consequences for the rest of my life.

 

I had bad dreams about him last night. He was with one of the girls from work. I know it's not too far off since he told me after we broke up that he told her about it and was hanging out with her on Friday night. I never trusted their relationship even though she's married. They shared too much with each other and she was too caring towards him. The fact that he ran to her right after the breakup really rubs me the wrong way and concerns me.

 

I'm just a wreck.

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