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Burn your fire for no witness


Radiate21

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No Contact Day 5 / Day 18 Post Breakup

I tossed and turned a lot last night. I thought about you so much. Both memories of the past and dreams of new memories. I was trying on a swimsuit for you.

 

I still feel like there is a balloon in my chest. Or a huge, crumpled up wad of tin foil. There's something inside of my torso that feels like the physical manifestation of my pain. I wish I could just breathe it out and be done with it.

 

I'm still losing weight (which I'm kind of happy about to be honest....) and can't eat very much. I think I'm eating 1/4 of 1/5 of what I normally do.

 

Took two prozacs instead of one this morning. My therapist suggested I try upping to 40mg for a while to jump start the serotonin, of which I'm convinced I have none right now.

 

I got to work at 7:55 this morning. I actually put on my concealer, tinted moisturizer, and some mascara. Hair's still a mess. I'm tired of feeling ugly on the outside when I feel so ugly on the inside. I don't want people seeing my acne marks.

 

I'm able to do slightly more work than in the first 2 weeks, but not by much. There are a lot of time-sensitive projects going on, so that helps. It's also helped to check in with my boss every morning. I need others to hold me accountable right now.

 

My mom leaves tomorrow and I'm really sad about that. I don't think I've gotten any better since she's been here.

 

She's coming with me to my therapy appointment today, which will be interesting. Not sure why but I wanted to bring her along.

 

I'm really sad today, and don't feel a lot of hope. My ex was such a sweetheart. He has such a pure heart of gold. I haven't met many guys who have one of those. I hope I can call another one mine sometime soon. After I heal. I hope I can heal. I miss him so much.

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No Contact Day 0

 

I ruined it. I reached out to him. I texted. A lot. I got a lot of emotions out. I pleaded. I was angry. I insulted. I questioned. I begged. I praised. I didn't filter myself at all. I probably sent 20 messages.

 

What was I thinking?!? I left it off with two this morning, asking him to think about reconsidering. Telling him how much I love him and how happy we can be. Telling him that I know that we can work through things and that if he really loves me I know he'll come back again.

 

I know that NC is always hard, for everyone. But I think it's especially hard when the relationship has an on-off pattern. I've gotten him back so many times. I've pleaded myself back "into his heart" so many times. He's changed his mind so many times. Gone from completely cold to warm again so many times. This makes it so much harder to accept that it's really over. It makes it so much harder to let go of hope. A big part of me still feels like if I try hard enough I can win him back. If I say the right thing I can win him back again, like I have before.

 

Part of me wants to end this cycle, but not a big enough part of me. I'm having so much trouble accepting that this isn't the right relationship for me, that this dynamic will never change, that I need to start fresh with someone new without all of this baggage and resentment and heartbreak and damage of trust.

 

But he's so special to me. He's such a stand-up person. He lights up a room. He's one of those guys. People will always whisper to me at events and get-togethers, "you've got a really good one. He's really special. He's so great." You know those guys? The ones that are just so genuinely sweet and selfless. That's him. And I turned him into something else by not being the right girl for him. and I hate myself for not being the right girl for him. I always wanted to change myself to fit with him. To be exactly what he wanted. To be the perfect, stress-free, happy, positive, carefree, trusting girl that he deserves. But it was so much pressure and I could never do it. And he resented me. And wanted me to be different. I was too jealous. I was too clingy. I didn't have any faith. I didn't think he'd stick around. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

I need to let go of the idea that he's the only good, sweet guy in the world who I can ever have a relationship and connection with. I need to accept that his amazing qualities weren't enough to make him the right person for me. I need to accept that if it had been right it wouldn't have been so hard. We would have spoken each other's love languages better. We would have reassured each other more successfully. There would have been less doubts. I wouldn't have felt as weighed down and stressed around him. I wouldn't have been relieved when I could spend a night without him because I knew I'd feel lighter. I would have been happy. I was not happy. Not for a long time. Someone being a sweet and great person doesn't automatically make them a good fit for you. If it's not a right fit, the relationship will eventually start to decay. I couldn't trust him because I knew in my gut that it wasn't right. I can't have faith in a relationship that I know in my gut isn't right. But I held on for dear life because I was worried I'd never find something so great again. I was with him out of fear more than love. That's what it will always be with him. I need to learn to get validation from myself so that in the future I know I'm with someone because they are truly good for me and not because I'm latching on to what I think is the best I can get.

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No Contact Day 3

 

Yesterday was a difficult day. I was extremely hungover and sick from drinking way too much on Saturday. I even threw up while in the bathroom at the bar which I never do.

 

Being alone is depressing me. Missing him is depressing me. I tried to go on a date on Friday and I just didn't like the guy at all. I felt so awkward around him and I'm usually good at mitigating awkwardness. I just didn't have it in me I guess.

 

I'm trying hard to make new friends. I went to a dinner (with the date) on Friday night where we met some people. Not sure if any of them will stick but if I keep going to events put on by that group, maybe I'll end up becoming friends with some of them. Had some pleasant conversations.

 

I also made a new friend when I was out at the bars on Saturday night. She said that she doesn't usually connect with random people but that she loves me and wants us to be friends. She wanted us to get brunch soon and hang out again. Hopefully that one will stick.

 

I've been forcing myself to socialize. But I also spent the entire day in bed sick on Sunday. I've been on Tinder a lot, talking with random guys. I even asked a bartender on Saturday night for his number and was going to meet up with him later in the night. I didn't end up doing it because I got too sick, but it was close to happening. I feel like I'm being too reckless. I haven't had sex with anyone or taken anyone home yet. I should probably keep it that way and stop seeking attention from guys.

 

It's just hard. I feel like it does help in a way. Maybe in the short run and not the long run. But I can't picture how I'm going to get over the ex without finding someone else. I feel like I can only partially heal before I prove to myself that I can love someone else again. So, how long do you wait? How much healing has to take place? Maybe I wait until I'm 100% over him. But I just don't see that happening.

 

I got to work at 8:10 today. No makeup, etc. I've lost around 9 lbs now in the last 23 days. I can hardly eat and am just eating once a day.

 

I missed my therapy session because I was too sick to go yesterday morning. That's also why I missed my journal post. I was vomiting and dry heaving all day long.

 

I feel like I'm living with a cloud above my head. I don't see myself getting better soon. I keep trying to tell myself that I'm only 23 and I'll find someone else who I'm more compatible with, but I'm really not believing it right now.

 

I'm trying to tell myself that I was settling with the ex. There was too much that I was trying to force. I was trying to make him into who I wanted him to be, not just letting him be who he was. I know for a fact that I was not happy with him. I just need to stop blaming myself for being unhappy and realize that the unhappiness came from incompatibility, not from me being a fundamentally flawed human who can't appreciate something good when she has it. For some reason that's what I've convinced myself. I tried so hard to force the happiness because I felt like he was the best match I'd ever find. But maybe I shouldn't be in a relationship where I need to force anything. Maybe one day I'll be with someone that feels right, naturally, not in a contrived way.

 

I don't know.

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No Contact Day 4

 

It was hard to get out of bed this morning, but I think part of that has to do with hating my job. And I think part of why I hate my job is that I'm not putting any effort into it. I need to recommit, refocus, and be thankful for how many opportunities this job provides me with. I want to start taking advantage of it instead of sitting all day and basically staring at my computer/phone waiting until I can go home. I'll cut myself some slack since I have been going through a lot emotionally, but it's been 3 full weeks plus two days now of not being productive at work. I think tomorrow it's time to start trying again. I'll make a to-do/priority list, brainstorm some new projects, and really try to start focusing again.

 

While I do want to reinvest in my job, I also know that this is not the career path for me. I have absolutely no regrets in exploring HR, and I'm glad I've learned that this isn't what I want to pursue in the future. It's still an absolutely wonderful resume builder, and I'm still committed to doing my time here, as much as I committed to my boss. I won't throw in the towel.

 

I am ready for bigger and better in my life. I want to reinvent myself. I want to GO TO MEDICAL SCHOOL!!! I'M GOING TO DO IT AND NO ONE AND NOTHING WILL STOP ME! I'm going to set up an appointment with the career center at my alma mater because they have wonderful resources for alumni, and I'm going to start applying to Post Bac programs. I think I can get into a relatively good one! It excites me to be looking at a new path, one that will open a ton of doors for me. I've always been a student and I want to be one again. I know it's an extremely long path but I think I am ready for it.

 

On a more immediate note, I'm brainstorming new ways to fill my time that don't involve shoveling noodles down my throat while watching Handmaid's Tale, using my cat's tail as a tissue while using my other cat as a pillow, and flirting with semi-cute kinda douchey-looking guys on Tinder. Here are my initial ideas--

 

-Become fluent in Spanish. I'm already pretty good at it, so I just need to commit.

-Join an indoor climbing gym. This one will take patience. I have no upper body strength. Last time I climbed I couldn't move my wrists for 3 days straight. It's okay.

-Join a running club

-Find a barn and start riding again. I've always LOVED riding. It sounds silly, but I kind of stopped because I felt like I couldn't relate to other people who ride. But maybe it can just be a solitary thing I do. Just to connect with a horse and feel free for an hour.

-Find a book club, preferably all women's. This could be cool. Also could be weird. I need to find one with young people that I can relate to.

-Get into Feng Shui. This could be awesome. I want to redecorate and I love the ideas of Feng Shui. I feel like I could create a much more ~zen~ space in my apartment.

-Check out the local darkroom. I've always been super into film photography, and there is nothing more therapeutic, aside from maybe riding, than developing photos by hand!! It's so freaking awesome. I'd feel kind of weird going around by myself taking photos of things but being in the darkroom would be truly awesome. I've gotta get out of my comfort zone and just go do some shooting. Maybe I'll start somewhere in a hillside by myself where no one can see me.

-Get back to my circuit training gym. I'm already paying out the butt for it every month, I just haven't been going. It's really fun and a great full-body workout.

 

That's my list to start off! If something doesn't stick, onto the next. I don't want to have a hobby for the sake of having a hobby. I want to have hobbies that make me genuinely excited and happy. I know for a fact that riding and developing photos do that for me. I know I should add yoga and meditation to the list, but I'm not ready for those introspective, quiet, distraction-less activities yet. Maybe those will come later on. Also, my core is not strong enough for yoga. My back gets really messed up when I do too many downward dogs. So maybe if I get into better shape I'll be in a better place for yoga. Or maybe I just need to go to a chiropractor.

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No Contact Day 1...Again

 

God, I'm an idiot.

 

Something terrible happened last night. I saw that he's still following me on this app, and turns out there's no way to block people on that app. I was trying to figure out how to at least get him off of my list, and I ended up seeing too much. I basically saw that he's been interacting with the girl from work that I was worried about. And I basically have convinced myself that they are hooking up now. I feel so betrayed. I knew that he wasn't over her and he kept trying to be friends with her during our relationship and I told him it crossed a boundary and he never respected it. And now they're getting all buddy buddy while my life is falling apart and I'm alone and miserable.

 

So, I got so extremely emotional about this that I sent him a really angry and mean message on google chat. I basically told him to unfollow me on that app right now. That he doesn't get to follow both of us because he chose her. I told him that I knew I couldn't trust him, knew that something was going on. Called him a liar. Told him he was a sketchy guy.

 

And he said nothing. He read the message and then blocked me immediately. That. Really. Hurt.

 

Indifference hurts so much more than anger.

 

I'm broken again. I've been broken but any glue that I'd managed to apply to the cracks is melted away.

 

I don't know why I am doing this to myself. But I hope that burning this final bridge will be enough to carry me into healing and acceptance. I literally have no normal ways to contact him now, unless I mail him something, or go to his house, or make a fake email account. There's no way I'd stoop to that level. So, maybe I needed this. Maybe I just needed him to block me on every possible app and site so that there's no hope left for me at all.

 

I'm just going to assume the worst. That they're together. That way I can heal through it all the way. And if I find out about it later it won't be a shock to me. I want to be prepared for anything. So. I'm thinking they're together. I don't want to be blindsided with pain. I'll probably run into them together somewhere because the city's not that big.

 

I was starting to feel hopeful yesterday. I was thinking about myself and my goals. Now I'm back at square one. Why do I keep knocking myself down?

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