How NOT to heal after breakup 😏

[Skeptic76]

I had a bit of an on again/off again relationship over the course of two years. We broke up a couple of times, civilly and without any drama...but couldn't stay broken up. Other than these breaks the relationship gets high marks. Loyalty, friendship, attraction, support, intellectual and spiritual growth & support. I love her. Truly.

 

At the end of March she left me unexpectedly, citing the distance and her fear that I wasn't happy/it wouldn't last. After initially trying to be graceful and accept her choice, I made one unsuccessful attempt to change her mind a couple of weeks later. I was then "no contact" until mid-August when I made another attempt to initiate reconciliation with her. Once again I was rebuffed. At this point I decided to start dating again.

 

I met a nice woman and had been on a couple of dates when my ex decided to call me and ask if we could try again. On the advice of friends and family I chose to say no and continue dating the new (local) woman. After my ex called I overcompensated and overshot the mark. I jumped in WAY too fast, making the new relationship Facebook official and planning some travel together.

 

Now all I think about is my ex and I see that the new girl and I are going to have to unwind some things if we are going to keep dating, but I have no idea how to walk back some of the plans like introducing her to friends and family at a party this weekend, or bringing her to a trade show I have to work next month with my boss and co-workers.

 

Another part of me wants to run back to my ex and try again with her.

 

I have a friend who says "Everyone is an example! Some are bright beacons, while others are dire warnings...but they're ALL examples." I pretty much feel like the dire warning for y'all. Lol

[SophieGrace]

An example of / warning for what?

[1a1a]

You should definitely break up with your current partner, you can't be fully into her while you're still trying to get your ex out of your heart and the longer you draw this out the more it's going to hurt her when it ends.

 

Good luck with your healing process.

[Keyman]

While I wouldn't necessarily end it with the new girl, dialling it back a little would be for the best. Take her to the party and the Trade Show, but don't push beyond that. Take it a little slower, step by step and see where it goes.

 

As for your ex, never and I repeat, never, go back there again. On again off again relationships are not healthy as it ends up swinging like a pendulum or someone with bipolar, from good to bad and back again. Sure, you'll try again, then you break up again and you are back in the cycle once more.

 

Most people thing that after a breakup they need to fill the gap left by their ex with someone new. Like if you someone else, you don't have to deal with it. But you do. The only thing people should fill the gap with is themselves. And then when they are healed, they can start dating again.

[Skeptic76]

@Sophie I'm thinking my story might illustrate the importance of patience and measured action as opposed to acting brashly on emotion that hasn't been "sat with" and processed...

[SophieGrace]

@Sophie I'm thinking my story might illustrate the importance of patience and measured action as opposed to acting brashly on emotion that hasn't been "sat with" and processed...

I hear ya, but you waited nearly 5 months to date and in that period asked her twice to try again. You may have jumped into the new relationship with too much intensity, but I think you did the right thing with your ex. It's really hard to maintain intimacy in a long-distance relationship.

[Dominique]

Good advice .... I am lonely but waiting to engage with someone new until I don't have my ex in my heart. It's been a very VERY difficult choice to make.