Friendship - on the backburner

[Pleasedonot5]

Hi ENA,

 

Struggling with a small situation and would like some feedback.

 

My friend Tim is the closest thing I have to a best friend. His sister Sarah and I were involved for a while several years ago as FWB. She wanted a relationship, and I didn't. This happened twice, and ended twice by my doing (politely of course, and with intentions clear from the beginning).

 

After, she had a boyfriend who was abusive, and who blew up on me in a group chat, wherein he called me out for having sex with her. It was completely inappropriate, and she broke up with him soon after. I lost my friend group in this.

 

We gave each other space for a while, then became friends again and talked what happened with the abusive boyfriend through.

 

Last summer, I was interested in her as more than a friend, and we were both single. We hung out, and when I asked to kiss her, she rejected the advance. She didn't want more than friends.

 

She has a new boyfriend now, and that's completely fine. I just feel there's some weird power dynamic going on, and that there has been for a while now. She'll always reconnect with me for a small chat or something, will flirt, and then usually end the conversation. When I'm hanging with Tim, she might hang with us for an hour, then she'll have her boyfriend over, spoon with him, giggle, that sort of thing. Everytime, I'm left with the weird jealous, drained feeling of someone asserting power over me. Is this normal? Is this friendship worth salvaging? How do I move forward? I don't want to stress out my friendship with Tim, but I don't like how weirdly jealous or annoyed I get that she does that stuff in front of me. It's like she wants to flaunt "you could have had this" even though we were involved like 5 years ago and have each had a couple relationships since.

[mustlovedogs]

She's allowed to have a relationship (or not have one) just as much as you. Sounds like you played her twice and are upset she won't let you play her a third time.

 

Hang out with her or don't, that's up to you. I wouldn't pursue being her friend though. Keep her and her past separate from your friendship with her brother.

[Pleasedonot5]

Would rather be friends with her than be FWBs again. Disagree that being honest with intentions from the get-go is playing someone, but hey, different perspective.

 

Appreciate the feedback.

[mustlovedogs]

If you knew she wanted more, it was questionable to be with her once. It was playing her to do it twice. Why do you want to be friends?

[Pleasedonot5]

Doesn't that work both ways though? I lament the whole "playing" concept in this situation: she understood completely my intentions and nevertheless agreed each time.

 

I phrased it weirdly above. Fixed. Don't have any desire to "play anyone a third time" as you claimed in your first response. She's been a friend for a long time, I don't want to stress my friendship with Tim (I mean they live in the same house, so that makes it tougher to separate the two), and I have good ties with her family.

 

She contacts semi-often, and each time she flirts and then stops, or each time she's over and does that whole boyfriend giggly routine I feel awful. It feels like an unnecessary power play and makes me uncomfortable.