Girlfriend still loves her dead boyfriend

[JohnnyBGood89]

I met this amazing girl over a year and a half ago we got to talking then we starting getting serious I knew she had kids by her deceased boyfriend that didn't bother me because she never talked about him at all to me then here recently she been saying she misses him and she loves him still he's been gone 13 years I know she loves me a lot and I love her a lot but when she said she loved her dead boyfriend it made me feel different not about her because I can never feel different about her we talk about getting married and having our own kids together it just made me feel like I'm sharing her love with a man who isn't here I did talk to her about it I let her know how it made me feel she told me he has a place in her heart but I have her heart and if I can't accept that he's part of her life then I'm not the one for her but I don't want her out of my life she brings so much joy and happiness into my life I never felt this type of way about a girl before and the thought of not being with her the rest of my life makes me really sad I don't know if she will ever get over him.

[MissCanuck]

OP, under what context did she say she misses and loves her deceased ex?

 

I ask because I also have an ex who died many years ago. I will always miss him, and of course have a place in my heart for him. However, this is not something I openly discuss with partners, out of respect for them and the memory of my ex. If they ask about it (ex, in the context of my dating history or some such thing) I explain what happened to him and admit that yes, it was a very difficult period in my life and we all mourned the loss of a young life.

 

One of my exes completely misinterpreted what I meant, and took that to mean I was still in love with my departed ex and wished I could be with him. I explained that wasn't the case at all. He wouldn't listen and thereafter was very insecure, even though I never brought it up. He began asking very probing questions that made me uncomfortable, such as about my current feelings for him, would I still be with him now if he hadn't died (and he passed nearly 2 decades ago) and so on. What I am saying is that one can still have love for the departed and respect their memory, but also be ready to move on to a new relationship and fall in love with someone else. The two are not mutually exclusive.

 

What was the case in your situation? Has your girlfriend just randomly been saying she misses and loves him? Or was this said in the context of a bigger conversation? Do you ask about him?

[JohnnyBGood89]

She woke up one night crying I asked her what's wrong and she said it was a dream about her kids dad who passed she said she misses him and loves him and I didn't want to say nothing at the time I just wanted to comfort her and let her know it was just a dream I never asked questions about him ever until she told me she dreamed about him so the next day it was bothering me I decided to asked her about the dream she wouldn't tell me then she said not a day goes by were she doesn't think about him and I didn't know what to think or say I know she has kids with him and that doesn't bother me because I treat them like they are my own but when she said she thinks about him everyday made me feel like I'm not good enough even though she told me she wants me and only me this is my first real relationship

[mustlovedogs]

Please try and write in proper sentences. Both your responses are run-ons and are hard to read.

 

She may have stronger feelings right now because of the dream. I think of my ex probably almost every day at least once but that's because he was a big part of my life for a long time. It does NOT mean I miss him. If you and this girl broke up, you would think about her long after the breakup too

[abitbroken]

She woke up one night crying I asked her what's wrong and she said it was a dream about her kids dad who passed she said she misses him and loves him and I didn't want to say nothing at the time I just wanted to comfort her and let her know it was just a dream I never asked questions about him ever until she told me she dreamed about him so the next day it was bothering me I decided to asked her about the dream she wouldn't tell me then she said not a day goes by were she doesn't think about him and I didn't know what to think or say I know she has kids with him and that doesn't bother me because I treat them like they are my own but when she said she thinks about him everyday made me feel like I'm not good enough even though she told me she wants me and only me this is my first real relationship

 

You apparently don't understand grief. Let's say you were married and your wife died, leaving behind you and two small children. You would ALWAYS have love for her and you would never completely erase her from your life history. Grief is funny. We could be going along just fine and another cycle hits us. People still cry at night about a child or parent or spouse that died long ago. Just imagine -- you look at your two kids and they look just like their father who died -- of course she thinks about him. But he is deceased and she is with you now. Sometimes people marry people who are also widows/widowers because they understand. She doesn't want him sexually- it has nothing to do with that.

[JohnnyBGood89]

You apparently don't understand grief. Let's say you were married and your wife died, leaving behind you and two small children. You would ALWAYS have love for her and you would never completely erase her from your life history. Grief is funny. We could be going along just fine and another cycle hits us. People still cry at night about a child or parent or spouse that died long ago. Just imagine -- you look at your two kids and they look just like their father who died -- of course she thinks about him. But he is deceased and she is with you now. Sometimes people marry people who are also widows/widowers because they understand. She doesn't want him sexually- it has nothing to do with that.

 

I understand, but maybe I'm being selfish when I just want her to think about me and no other man even though he isn't here anymore. I know I have to accept that she still thinks about him and he does have a place in her heart. I know she wants to be with me I can see it in her eyes and the ways she smiles at me her mom said she's glad she's smiling again. It makes me feel great when I get her to smile, but I can't get over her thinking about him. You are right I would be the same wife if I had a wife or girlfriend who died and left me with kids. I don't want to lose her because I'm selfish.

[JohnnyBGood89]

Please try and write in proper sentences. Both your responses are run-ons and are hard to read.

 

She may have stronger feelings right now because of the dream. I think of my ex probably almost every day at least once but that's because he was a big part of my life for a long time. It does NOT mean I miss him. If you and this girl broke up, you would think about her long after the breakup too

 

We did break up I tried talking to her a little while ago and she blew me off to go hangout with her friends.

[mustlovedogs]

But you obviously got back together.

[HeartGoesOn]

^

Agreed. OP, by the tone of your thread, it looks like you're still with her?

[JohnnyBGood89]

No we just broke up she knew I wanted to talk to her and she still makes plans with her friends. I'm not sure what she really wants now it hurts me to think about losing her, but it doesn't seem to bother her so much I'm trying to be there for her. She chose who she wanted to be with friends over me.

[mustlovedogs]

What??? I'm so confused. So she's your ex? Did you dump her or did she? Is it because of her dead ex?

[JohnnyBGood89]

What??? I'm so confused. So she's your ex? Did you dump her or did she? Is it because of her dead ex?

 

I dumped her 30 minutes ago. It's like she doesn't want to be around me since her dream of her ex, but she's still telling me she loves me. I told her we can talk tonight she agreed instead of talking she decided she wanted to go out with her friends. I tried talking to her before she left she just kept ignoring me like I wasn't even there before she left she said I love you, but I told her I wasn't going to be home when she got back because I was wanting to talk about her ex. I'm not gonna lie I feel insecure and selfish, because I feel like I'm not getting her love since her dream and I only want her to think about me and only me. I just couldn't take her thinking about another man while she was with me even tho he isn't here anymore.

[mustlovedogs]

I dumped her 30 minutes ago. It's like she doesn't want to be around me since her dream of her ex, but she's still telling me she loves me. I told her we can talk tonight she agreed instead of talking she decided she wanted to go out with her friends. I tried talking to her before she left she just kept ignoring me like I wasn't even there before she left she said I love you, but I told her I wasn't going to be home when she got back because I was wanting to talk about her ex. I'm not gonna lie I feel insecure and selfish, because I feel like I'm not getting her love since her dream and I only want her to think about me and only me. I just couldn't take her thinking about another man while she was with me even tho he isn't here anymore.

 

You screwed up.

[JohnnyBGood89]

You screwed up.

 

I know I did. I see that now. I'm too selfish all I cared about was my feelings during this whole thing with her ex. I'm not the man she thought I was and it hurts me that I lost someone like her, but that's all my fault I have to live with it.

[Longview01]

wow....your jealously of someone thats dead just destroyed your relationship

[JohnnyBGood89]

wow....your jealously of someone thats dead just destroyed your relationship

 

Not just that, but also her going out with her friends when she knew we was going to talk after I got off work. I'm still at the house she came home 3 hours later.

[Strangelove89]

Not just that, but also her going out with her friends when she knew we was going to talk after I got off work. I'm still at the house she came home 3 hours later.

 

Why did you do that though? From reading your post you made it sound like you love her. If you did love her you wouldn't have did what you did. You would see it through her eyes that she wants to be with you I think your jealousy and selfishness blinded the love she has or had for you. I hope the best for you in your future relationship you need to take your significant others feelings into consideration when you start to feel jealous or selfish next time learn from your mistakes.

[JohnnyBGood89]

Why did you do that though? From reading your post you made it sound like you love her. If you did love her you wouldn't have did what you did. You would see it through her eyes that she wants to be with you I think your jealousy and selfishness blinded the love she has or had for you. I hope the best for you in your future relationship you need to take your significant others feelings into consideration when you start to feel jealous or selfish next time learn from your mistakes.

 

I did it because I was insecure. Did I mess up yes I did big time, because she wasn't just my girlfriend she was also my best friend. I see I'll never get her back no matter how hard I try I lost the one I wanted to marry all because of jealously of a dead man and her going out with her friends when she knew I wanted to talk to her. I wish her the very best. I know it's going to be hard to move on because I really love her it's just my mouth jealousy and selfish that got me in this situation.

[MissCanuck]

OP, come on. You cannot control this woman's thoughts, and your jealousy over a deceased man is unhealthy and strange.

 

My ex died almost 20 years ago, very suddenly, and you never really "get over" that. It turned my world upside down, and I am still occasionally triggered by something that reminds me of him or that horrible episode. I cry privately on occasion, such as on the anniversary of his passing. Grief does that - it lingers long after the person is gone. Yes, I think about him a lot. I always will. But where you are being irrationally jealous is this: thinking about a deceased love on does not mean I cannot love my partner. The two have nothing to do with each other. If anything, it serves as a reminder to make sure I truly value and express my love to my man, because I know how quickly it can all be taken away forever. I reflect on my ex, hope he is resting peacefully and that his family is okay. Does that mean I am in love with him? Of course not. I am in love with my current man.

 

Imagine all of the above, but with the added grief that comes with having had children together. I cannot imagine the pain. They will always need their dad's memory to be part of their lives. Always.

 

I take it you have never lost someone that close to you, and thus don't really understand grief and bereavement. And you should be thanking your lucky stars for it, honestly. I get that seeing her cry for him made you uncomfortable, but you should have left it at that. It was a bad dream and a trigger. That's all. Expecting that you are the only man she ever thinks about? Unrealistic and petty. She's not thinking about him becasue she's in love with him. She's thinking about him because it's sad and she wishes he didn't leave this world so soon, especially with kids. Come on, man. Get a handle on yourself.

[kamurj]

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