Feeling a bit lost on how to proceed

[used2blue]

I recently connected online with a man who was recovering from an emotionally abusive relationship.

 

Years ago I had been in a similar situation and offered advice that helped me through.

 

We communicated many many times through the day and night via text and phone. As we grew closer, feelings towards each other grew. Several times he grew afraid of the feelings that were growing between us as he was just coming off this tough relationship. On these occasions, I tried to comfort him via the phone to help him through. He was having a fear that was creating a desire to run away from me.

He said I was too good and he didn't deserve to have me in this situation as his pains were still fresh.

 

Often he would not say what he was really feeling (missing me or even loving me), but would mask these feelings into something that would cause conflict. After we discussed, they seemed to come from triggers of this recent relationship of his that went bad. While I didn't like the feeling of being accused of something, I could stand on ground knowing I did nothing wrong and continued to help and discuss.

 

I recently went on a trip with my son. This trip was more for my son than a vacation for me. He is looking at colleges and we planned many visits to many cities. Needless to say, I knew my connection time with this new growing relationship would not be the same as it had grown to over the past two months. Time zone gaps would also change from three hours to six and seven hour differences. Yet I was wanting to stay connected and share this special time. He has a son near this age as well, so I know they too would be doing things as well as gaining some insight on my trip with my son.

 

The first day after flying out was a great college Tour. We stayed connected on my landing and lodging arrival. Connected on leaving for a two hour drive and sent updates and photos as I could. We even talked during my sons interview. It was a really nice feeling for me to do for my son and balance time staying connected. When I arrived back at my lodging and checked the agenda for the next day, I sent a note of my expected early alarm to do a four hour drive for the next college Tour. Had the Tour, viewed the area and drove four hours back. All the while I stayed as connected as possible. Day three was a Tour about two hour drive and did the same with communication. Text, voice, photos. It was another long day but this time my communication was received somewhat coldly.

My son and I had plans for a concert to blow off a little steam mid week. As I parked and was about to head into the venue, I sent a text update and added that I noticed that he was quiet.

What I got back was that he was quiet because there was not much in the way of conversation coming back. Then Stated they werent expecting anything from me. Also adding that maybe just wait to talk when I am back home. I stated that I would like to stay connected through it. It turned out that he was punching me away because he couldn't say he missed me as well as felt a trigger that came from his prior relationship.

 

It didn't make me feel good. I was doing all I could to stay connected and enjoy the experience and time with my son during this significant time.

 

From that point, I tried all I could to stay connected, but it just didn't feel like I could do enough. He grew quieter and pulled away communication more. I was asked how it would feel if it were reversed and I replied that I would never get in the way of his relationship with his child. I would accept whatever time he was able to give if it were reveresed. He said, well I guess we will see. While this felt passive aggressive, I told myself than I have to keep my head for the sake of my son's needs.

 

The connections grew more matter of fact, but I continue to keep him updated. I would get replies like "you must not be missing me because you haven't checked your messages".

 

So while all the touring is done and son and I are back to normal time, the conversations and connections are plain cold. He stopped saying goodnight and good morning to me.

 

I feel as though I did something wrong by spending time towards my sons future plans for life. I normally confront these things head on but have grown weary of all of this. I know that if the other person has not fully healed from their past, then it may be too tough an uphill climb.

 

Has anyone else been through similar events in a LDR?

 

Any advise or feedback on what I am experiencing or have just experienced?

 

Apologies for the length but needed to get the details in for better perspective.

 

Thank you all!

[ThatwasThen]

Have you even spent any time with this man in person or is all this conversing you've been doing with him prior to your trip with your son been online?

 

Secondly: I would find your constant updating about your son's trip and what you were up to, to be intrusive. A check in once in a while just to say you are having fun and getting a lot done would have been, IMO, a lot more appropriate for two people that haven't even met yet. (you will correct me if you have met).

 

Whether you've actually met or not, I don't think this man is ready to be in a relationship with you or anyone else. He has a lot to process and learn from his last relationship so that he doesn't make the same mistakes. No offence intended but I do believe that you need to work on yourself as well so that you don't make the same mistakes. This man has issues in which you are trying to caretake him out of. Pick more healthier for yourself and find a man that doesn't need fixing. A man that isn't backing off of your attempts to be together like this one is.

[MrComplicated]

How recent is recent? With the clear indicator that his emotional stability could do with some healing it's hard to determine whether the depth of your personal involvement with him is at a healthy enough level to help mend his wounds rather than to complicate what would have been a more efficient solitary process. Only once you're clear with what's best for him and your own feelings towards the relationship can you take the next step determining whether the emotional taxation is worthwhile.

[melancholy123]

I think you were trying too hard to stay in touch with the guy while you were away with your son. A report at the end of the day or even every other day should have been sufficient. This guy just isnt ready for a heavier relationship like you were trying to create.