sadlert22 Posted July 30, 2017 Share Posted July 30, 2017 Hello, I'll start out with a little about our relationship. We began dating in September 2016 and spent nearly every day with each other besides when we were home visiting our families. She told me that she loved me in November 2016 and I told her that I couldn't tell her that until I knew for sure and she accepted it. I told her in December 2016 when I flew down to her families and stayed with them for a week. Oh, by the way, I am 22 and she is 19. We bought a dog together and we have planned out pretty much our entire life together. I took a trip with my family to Yellowstone and the Grand Tetons and was unable to talk to her all day every day like I had been and when I came back from the trip...she asked for a break. She asked for a break because she wants to work on herself. She wants to be more independent. She doesn't like herself right now because of countless things. This was all told to me and more. We are both starting in new places, I am starting my first real job out of college and she is starting at a new college and still has 3 years left. It has now been almost 4 weeks since we have been on this break and I just recently took a trip down to where she is starting at a new college so that I could see her and our dog. We had a good time together and it made me miss being with her.....an unfathomable amount. When we were both leaving to go back to our respective homes, we hugged each other for about 5 minutes and she said I love you, kissed me on the cheek and I told her the same back and stared into her eyes. She then kissed me and it was the most meaningful kiss that I had with her in about 2 months. We both had tears in our eyes and said bye to each other multiple times before actually leaving. She told me that she would see me soon and then we left. She has promised me that she will come back to me after she accomplishes what she wants to do. I guess I am just looking for perspective on this one. Not really looking for certain advice because her and I have discussed pretty much everything that she wants with this space with regards to speaking to each other. Any perspective would be great! Thanks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krankor Posted July 30, 2017 Share Posted July 30, 2017 Honestly, it sounds like it was a case of too much, too soon for such a young girl with the dog and the planning your lives together. She's only 19 and has barely had a chance to live yet or figure out who she is or what she wants. Then again, 22 isn't that much older, and at 22 I sure as heck wanted a few more adventures in life before I settled down. I would accept that this is over for now--quite probably forever, and just get going with your life, operating under the assumption that this is over. Get going on your career, try out new hobbies, and date new women. Under no circumstances should you put your life on hold or wait around for her. If you do hear from her again and you're still available, great. Let her win you back if that's what she wants--and that's what has to happen; she's the one who broke it off. She may have had good reasons, but she's still the one who broke it off. But don't wait around for it to happen. I know this is hard, but accept the situation for what it is and move on with your life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted July 30, 2017 Share Posted July 30, 2017 I would caution anyone against planning a life with someone her age. She's too young to be thinking in terms like that yet. This is not to say you two won't reunite, but be cautious. She is barely an adult herself and has many years left of maturing to do before she will truly be ready to settle down. I say that having been a 19-year-old girl myself once. As far as this specific break is concerned, what is it she wants to accomplish in the time apart? She says she wants to be more independent, which I agree is a good thing, but what exactly does this mean? She would like the freedom to be single and not tied to anyone? The freedom to date others? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sadlert22 Posted July 30, 2017 Author Share Posted July 30, 2017 She has told me that yes she wants to be more independent so that she can straighten out her life and her morals. According to her, her life is a mess, she's depressed and feels like every person's doormat and she just doesn't want a relationship right now. She has said that none of this is about me. She still continues to speak with me everyday because "why wouldn't I speak to someone who I love everyday" - her words. She says she would not cheat on me and that she wouldn't date others. This is directly from her.... "I'm sorry my intent wasn't to hurt you. I just want to better myself....if its hurting you that bad....I don't want to put you through it." She has also stated that even through these past 4 weeks I am still the most important person in her life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kbbcoop77 Posted July 30, 2017 Share Posted July 30, 2017 Yikes...well she's pretty young to make that kind of commitment. So her parents have the dog? She's reluctant to break it off 100% so she doesn't need to feel that breakup pain yet is keeping you wrapped up. Frankly you'll remain in pain with this uncertainty and continued contact. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krankor Posted July 30, 2017 Share Posted July 30, 2017 She has told me that yes she wants to be more independent so that she can straighten out her life and her morals. According to her, her life is a mess, she's depressed and feels like every person's doormat and she just doesn't want a relationship right now. She has said that none of this is about me. She still continues to speak with me everyday because "why wouldn't I speak to someone who I love everyday" - her words. She says she would not cheat on me and that she wouldn't date others. This is directly from her.... "I'm sorry my intent wasn't to hurt you. I just want to better myself....if its hurting you that bad....I don't want to put you through it." She has also stated that even through these past 4 weeks I am still the most important person in her life. Look, the simple fact is that more often than not a "break" is really a break up. Oftentimes it's just a way of softening the blow. I know the tendency will be to cling to whatever words she may have spoken that give you hope, but actions speak louder than words, and if she really wanted to be with you she would and wouldn't do anything to jeopardize that, like asking for a "break." And even if she intends to get back together with you, chances are very good that once she gets going at her new college and everything she'll see a new path for her life that doesn't include you or any kind of serious, intense relationship for that matter. I mean, she said she wants to be more independent. Do you think she just meant that she wants to be independent for a week or two, then back to a relationship? Now, I'm in no way saying that it's impossible that she will rethink this, decide she misses you, and wants to get back together. That is certainly a possibility. But as I said I just wouldn't put my life on hold until that happens. If you don't want to date anyone else for right now that is perfectly reasonable, but I'd give it a time limit. Maybe say "OK, in six months if she doesn't reach out to me, I'm going to start looking for other girls to date." Put a reminder in your phone. Don't contact her at all. If she's going to come back to you, it's going to be because she misses you and believes you are starting to move on with your life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted July 30, 2017 Share Posted July 30, 2017 She is talking in circles and vague statements. What is it about her morals she feels she needs to straighten out? What aspects of her life are a mess? What is she going to do to tackle her depression? I think what you've likely got on your hands is a girl who cares about you but got too caught up in honeymoon phase of the relationship and wants to breathe and be 19 again. Seeing each other every day and getting a dog and planning out your life together is an awful lot for a teenager, even if she seemed eager at first. As hard as it will be, it's best for you to take some space now too. I think you won't be able to count on talking every day anymore. I am sure she'll keep it up for a while but if she wants to reclaim her independence, I imagine she will start putting space between you two. As another poster said, don't put your life on hold for her. Take this time to rediscover what you want, your hobbies and interests. I know she said she will come back, but you need to be careful not to put too much weight into that. Experience has taught me that breaks are often break-ups in disguise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sadlert22 Posted July 30, 2017 Author Share Posted July 30, 2017 Yikes...well she's pretty young to make that kind of commitment. So her parents have the dog? She's reluctant to break it off 100% so she doesn't need to feel that breakup pain yet is keeping you wrapped up. Frankly you'll remain in pain with this uncertainty and continued contact. She is currently taking care of the dog Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sadlert22 Posted July 30, 2017 Author Share Posted July 30, 2017 She is talking in circles and vague statements. What is it about her morals she feels she needs to straighten out? What aspects of her life are a mess? What is she going to do to tackle her depression? I think what you've likely got on your hands is a girl who cares about you but got too caught up in honeymoon phase of the relationship and wants to breathe and be 19 again. Seeing each other every day and getting a dog and planning out your life together is an awful lot for a teenager, even if she seemed eager at first. As hard as it will be, it's best for you to take some space now too. I think you won't be able to count on talking every day anymore. I am sure she'll keep it up for a while but if she wants to reclaim her independence, I imagine she will start putting space between you two. As another poster said, don't put your life on hold for her. Take this time to rediscover what you want, your hobbies and interests. I know she said she will come back, but you need to be careful not to put too much weight into that. Experience has taught me that breaks are often break-ups in disguise. She says that she has none other than she wouldn't cheat and she wouldn't kill herself. She never gave full explanations of the other two just that she was going to deal with them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted July 30, 2017 Share Posted July 30, 2017 She says that she has none other than she wouldn't cheat and she wouldn't kill herself. She never gave full explanations of the other two just that she was going to deal with them. Honestly? Unless there is something about herself that she's not telling you, ending a relationship to work on "morals" sounds like a bizarre excuse to end it without you asking many questions. But then again, this could be a product of her age. She is young and inherently not very mature yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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