ConfusedOldMan Posted July 14, 2017 Share Posted July 14, 2017 Hello, I've been reading through many of these stories and find there are a lot of people that are going through similar feelings of heartache and confusion and I appreciate that, even if in just that regard, I'm not alone. I'm so sorry for what you are going through and I would not wish this torment on anyone. I know this will likely result in a small novel as there is a lot of stuff to go over. I'll try to stick to pertinent points.... My story.... I had been divorced about 5 years and had dated sporadically but had taken the last 18 months to kind of center myself. I started working at a behavioral health agency in January of 2016. I worked as a case manager and as it is a fully integrated clinic, medical and behavioral, there are other individuals that work there that cover a wide array of services, like medical. I seemed to settle in ok, as well as anyone does at a new job where they don't know anyone. I was friendly with everyone but never really took the time to get to know people as they seemed to be only a small portion of my life. The clinic nurse was fairly attractive, nothing to write home about at the time. I could sense there was an attraction but I never really gave it much thought as I wasn't in the market for a girlfriend and definitely didn't want to open the can of worms that is dating at the workplace. Also there is a pretty significant age gap, she is 30 and I am almost 42. So I shrugged it off. Several months pass and I hear that this girl is now engaged. Great. Good for her. At this point she and I don't even really talk. Few months more pass by and I can see that this girl is really ramping up her efforts to get me to notice her. I still shrug it off as I know she is in a committed relationship and dating at the job is never ever a good idea. About a week or so later I get a facebook friend request from her. No big deal. About a week after that she starts sending me messages through facebook just chatting it up. Few days later she sends me a message from San Diego, where she is on a mini-vacation with her fiance and their mutual friends, saying she had a dream about me and that she didn't know why she was telling me, only that she felt she wanted to. The dream was of course sexual in nature so of course my ego immediately inflated. I don't know if it was unresolved underlying feelings of loneliness or just the excitement of someone so seemingly unavailable suddenly making them self available to me, but I continued to engage in this conversation and many more like it in the days to come. When she came back to town she suggested we meet for coffee and just talk. I agreed and we met at a Starbucks in between where we live. It was on from there. We kissed that evening and began to make plans to see each other on a constant basis. We met in secret places, like parks. I knew I was doing wrong but somehow justified it in my head as I was getting something I wasn't even aware I needed. This girl seemed to adore me and would frequently tell me as much. We had sex often, sometimes in our office, and would meet almost every day both before and after work. I had terrible anxiety over feelings about the secrecy and deception of what we were doing and voiced this to her on several occasions. I hated the idea of secrecy and the potential devastating effect all this would have on her fiance if/when he found out. I felt like the lowest piece of sh1t for how I was behaving but still I continued because I felt wanted. A feeling I hadn't known in a very long time. Or at least hadn't allowed myself to be open to. A few weeks more pass and we start to have discussions about ending it. We talk in her car for awhile and at the end of the conversation we tell each other I love you. ?! That's not how that was supposed to go. Of course I was feeling 100x more inflated at that point because she also told me in this conversation that she is going to end her engagement and wanted to be with me. She said she had never felt that kind of connection and there was no way she could give it up. She knew she would hurt him but things had been bad for a long time, blah blah blah. I ate it up. Ok good. Now we can move forward with this in a more open fashion and see where it can really go. Fast forward about 2 months......Ya, I know.......The situation is exactly the same. I put on my big boy pants and tell her I cannot and will not continue in this way and that if she wants to be with me she needs to make it right. I told her I understand how difficult it is to "pull the trigger", a phrase she used, but that it needed to be done or that we would not be able to see each other anymore. She swore she was preparing to do it and that it was going to happen soon, etc., etc....2 more months pass and no change. She still behaves towards me in every way like she is in a relationship with me, except for the part where she goes home to another man every night. We talk frequently about how our life will be and even have a discussion of her getting pregnant with my child as a potential "sign" she wasn't supposed to get married. By this point in time my brain is total pudding and I'm eating up every word she says because holy sh1t I loved this woman. March 1st was my last day at the clinic as the job had become way too stressful in itself, and also continuing to deal with this incredibly confusing scenario. Being a grown ass man, I knew what should be done, I just couldn't find the strength to do it as I was head-over-heels for this woman and it showed. She had me hooked. About a week later she disappears for the better part of the day. She and I had plans to meet in the evening after work and I was trying to call her to find out if that was still the plan. She texts me and apologizes saying work has been crazy and that she will call in a few. Another hour passes and I decide to call her desk just to check in and let her know I was thinking about her and not to worry about getting right back to me. The nurse that fills in sometimes answered the phone. I asked for her and she said that she hadn't been there all afternoon and that she won't be back that day. Ok . I confront her with it and she apologizes, saying she was with her stepmom doing wedding planning stuff. My chest pounded pretty hard. I really didn't want to hear that. Come to find out later she wasn't with her step mom, instead she was out getting pre-wedding pictures taken with her fiance. I snap at this point, telling her this is the first time she has openly and so boldly lied to me and that it is indicative of just where we are. I told her that lies aren't necessary and that I will go away if she will just say the words. (Pathetic as hell, I know). No such luck. She apologizes and I eat it up and it's game on..... A few days later she meets me, like usual, at a favorite park we frequently met at. She tells me how she had a knock down, drag out (non-violent) fight with her fiance and that she was going to tell him during that argument about us and end it with him. Well fast forward to the end of that conversation and it turns out she is going to go to relationship counseling with him. Not necessarily to fix the relationship, but to see if it should be fixed at all. I was devastated. How could this woman who proclaimed her undying love to me multiple times a day have lied to me all this time and chose this method to end things? Of course I knew that answer but I was in a haze of ". This can't be happening to me". Harsh words are exchanged and we drive away. She texts me a few times through the day but I ignore her and try to focus on other things. "I'm done with this!", I tell myself. ya right. If only it were so simple. The next day I don't respond to her at all. The next day I respond to her good morning text. I shouldn't have and I know this but I guess I was hoping for some dramatic turn of events. Maybe she told him. Nothing like that. We spoke of our feelings and how we couldn't imagine not being in each others' lives and how we truly are "in love". She says it's confusing but she feels like she should see if her relationship of over 4 years can be salvaged. I agree that she should if that's what she thinks will make her happy. Of course I didn't mean this at all but I truly wanted her to be happy. At this point the wedding is about 6 weeks away. I can imagine all of the preparation that had gone into it up to that point. She tells me she doesn't want to stop seeing me while she is in counseling with him. ? I tell her that I don't think that's a good idea as I am afraid of my own feelings and not really looking forward to the crushing blow of still being "in love" with someone on the day they're walking down the aisle with another man. I couldn't imagine how I would process that and that I needed to take the remaining time to try to separate my feelings from the situation. She would have none of this. Ok, maybe I will "wean" myself. Cause that ever works. Back at it full blown and with little regard for who might see us. I even went into the clinic to visit everyone one day and ended up having sex with her in her office. In the back of my mind, I know the only thing that has changed is the fact that now I have to accept the idea of her actively engaging in fixing her relationship and planning her wedding, while somehow still responding to the idea that she says she is madly in love with me. I know at this point that I should probably just run my head into a wall a few times and hope for either amnesia or just a dose of good sense but I continue with the affair. Over the next few weeks we go back and forth with breaking up. At some point she decides she doesn't want to continue with our relationship and decides she is going to go through with the marriage. Like there was really ever any doubt. I tell her that I feel like I was used as a last fling before she started her real life and that I gave her many opportunities to let me go with some dignity but she refused as she always said she was so in love with me and just had to figure out how to end the engagement without everyone hating her. Fiance, family, friends, etc. I was again devastated. This time the difference was that she was no longer maintaining that she was going to end the engagement. Only end it with me. My brain kicked into 5th gear and I began a cycle of ruminating on the situation about all of the good and positive and sweet things we had exchanged. This girl had full possession of my heart and she claimed that I still had hers, yet she was about to marry another man. I was so confused. I know that people will say and do whatever they have to guide a situation in their favor. I guess she felt that by telling me she still loved me, that I would understand and somehow be able to walk away with a full heart. Ya, not so much. We began to argue about it a lot. I couldn't detach myself from the idea of this woman being in my life. We had discussed children and marriage and everything a couple discusses when making plans for a future. Only there would be no future. I had long since given up on the idea of any more children, I have a son, and had fully wrapped my head around the idea of starting again. Omg, I could have a family?!? The arguments turned pretty nasty but we always ended them with I love you and I miss you so much, blah blah blah. About 2 weeks before the wedding I had had enough. No matter how may times I told her how this was continuing to hurt me and that I felt like I was never going to be able to walk away if she refused to, she continued to tell me how she loved me and how she was making a mistake and didn't know how to fix it. I had begun counseling of my own as I obviously had some unresolved issues that would allow me to think a relationship like this was ok, or worse......that it had potential. I of course filled my therapist in on all of the details. Her suggestion was to end things in whatever definitive way I could imagine. Something that would signify to me that it was really over and there was no hope of a better future. She said that really accepting it, on every level, was the only thing that was going to point me in the direction of finding myself again and building healthy relationships. We brainstormed on just what that grand gesture would be that held enough significance to me that it would signal, on no uncertain terms and without her seal of approval, that it was over. What could I do to close the book on this once and for all and begin my own healing. I know! I'll spill the beans to her fiance! What better way to end my own suffering than to amplify it and project it onto someone I don't even know? Great idea......I bounce it off of my therapist and she immediately doesn't like it for the potential damage it can and likely will do to the recipient. We discuss it for a little while and I explain that while I know it is a potentially very hurtful revelation, I couldn't think of any other way to get the message to her that I was done and that I was ensuring no further contact would happen beyond that point. She reluctantly agreed that if this was the only way I could get real closure, maybe telling him would help. She also added that while it wasn't necessarily my job to rescue this man, he did have a right to an informed decision about committing his life to someone who was not going to do the same. She suggested that I take a couple days to review what I thought necessary to reveal and to take care in the amount of detail I provide. Ok sure, I'll do that. As soon as I got home I went to work on this email. Few times in life does a non-professional writer have the grace of articulating their thoughts in ways the general reader will comprehend. I took all of my therapists's advice about softening the blow and threw it right out the window. I gave him a chronological order of events and detailed almost every aspect of it. Including her desire to become pregnant with my child. I told him EVERYTHING. Including my own pathetic approach to it and my history of having found out my marriage was over in the same fashion. I apologized for interfering in his life and tried to make the point that my motivation was not revenge, rather that he be given necessary information before making a life altering decision. He deserved informed consent. Bullsh1t. I could have used any excuse under the sun to justify my reasoning for telling him. In this case, informed consent. The reality was that I needed to strike a blow equal in devastation to the the way I had perceived I had been wronged. I needed to strike back in a way that said "How dare you do this to me? Do you think you will just walk away unscathed after this?" Now that morning she had been trying to reach out to me to resume our usual I love and bs and pretend things are ok. I didn't respond all day. After I had typed up the email to her fiance, and before having pushed send, I sent her a text message that simply said, "I'm sorry." Then I sent the email. She texts me a few more time in the next few minutes saying that she shouldn't assume I will talk to her and that she doesn't want me to be sorry because I haven't done anything wrong. I don't respond. exactly 46 minutes later I get a text from her that reads: "You ing pathetic piece of ." I text her back saying something to the effect that it amazes me, after everything that we have engaged in, that I am the piece of in all this. Somehow my having told him was the real evil here and not the message that was conveyed. She tells me she is going to get an order of restraint against me and I tell her that it's not necessary, but do what you must. I hear nothing from her for about 5 days. She texts me with some agry stuff, asking how I could do that to her and yada yada yada. I tell her that if she had listened to anything I had to say in the last 7 months that she could answer that question herself. She tells me she is now scared of me and is unsure of what I might do. Are you fking kidding me? I did what I was going to do and all my cards are on the table. I tell her that if she doesn't want to talk to me then please don't reach out to me because I will not be returning the favor. 5 days later I wake up to a text from her. "Hi." I don't respond and try to carry on with my day. I have the nagging desire to respond and find out what she wants but I refrain, for almost another whole 5 minutes....I respond.......boom boom boom, back into the mix. She loves me and wants me and, while she hates how it happened, she wants to be with me and can I please come over to her house, which I had never known where it was. I go over that evening and things are a little awkward at first but she walks over and kisses me and it's game on. Again. This was at the end of April. The first month or so was blissful. It seemed like this was going to be the end result of all those weeks and months of emotional torture. About a month in she finds out her dad had had a heart attack. They are very very close so this seemed to put her into a kind of funk and she was noticeably withdrawn. I inquire about it, asking if there is anything I can do to help in this time and reminding her that I am here in any capacity she needed. Mind you I haven't met any of her family or friends at this point because she said it was too close to the ending of the engagement and didn't want her dad to fly off the handle at her bad choices. Imagine that. So I take up position in the background, ready to swoop in whenever she called upon me. She didn't. 2 weeks go by and she is becoming more and more withdrawn. I try to talk to her about it and she immediately gets mad and shuts down. She begins to tell me how the loss of her friends and her relationship with her fiance are affecting her. She tells me that while she doesn't believe she was still in love with him, she misses her friend and the mutual friends they shared as they all jumped ship and landed in his corner. She starts to say how confused she is and that she needs time to sort herself out. She says she is so in love with me and wants me for life but that she is really feeling the loss of her old life. Ok, I get this, Whatever you need, just please don't push me away in the process. I wont be in your face, but please dont just go poof. She promised that was not the case and that she just needed time to process her thoughts. Few more weeks go by of this progressively getting worse and I, probably way too often, continue to inquire as to where she wants me in her world. I tell her if she is doubting her feelings for me to please tell me so I can leave and not make her feel worse. I knew that I would suffer but I didn't want her to suffer anymore. She continues to tell me that is not the case, while becoming more openly hostile surrounding conversations about our future. I told her I understand we are in different places right now, but please try to remember the crazy feelings that got us here in the first place. She tells me that all this discussion about our future is pushing her away and that she just wants us to have a fluidic relationship without all the discussion around it. I tell her great. I agree. But please understand how difficult that is to do when I sense you pulling away from me. She denies it and chalks it up to stress. Couple more weeks pass and it just feels uncomfortable to be around her. She obviously has stuff going on in her head but she is way past the point of sharing with me. Now our sex life was always magical. That was the one thing that never seemed to falter during any of this. If nothing else at the time, we were still able to connect in that way and that gave me, and she claimed her also, hope. Fast forward again to about 2 weeks ago. She says she has a college friend coming into the state to visit with a friend in another town and that she is going to drive up there for the day and visit. Ok cool. That sounds like fun. She asks me to come over to her house that morning after I get off work to lay with her (have sex) and see her off. I go to her house, go in and she is still sleeping. Right on =) I'll wake her up in the way she always asks me to. Wrong. She shuts me down and proceeds to go back to sleep for another 2 1/2 hours. Ok cool She's tired. I'll stick around and walk this dog she is sitting and spend a little time with her before she goes. She wakes up and tells me she had a dream I cheated on her. I tell her she knows that is nonsense because she knows how I feel. Still she doesn't want to have sex. Ok, I guess it happens. We say goodbye for the day and agree that I will meet her back at her house when she gets back. I told her i will go walk the dog she was watching and wait for her. Great idea she says. She comes home acting more distant and weird. I try to ask whats up. She immediately gets mad that I ask. I tell her her behavior towards me lately has me wondering where she is with us and that I worry something is going on. She denies it and says she's going to lay down and that I should join her. She keeps a full 2 feet distance in bed and sort of pulls away when I try to touch her. Ok, huge bells going off now. I bluntly ask about sex. She says she isn't in the mood. She has never said those words to me. I ask her if there is something going on because her behavior in that moment is making me wonder where she was all day. She denied anything and said that my reaction was disproportionate to the situation and that she was just tired and frustrated because we were having the same discussion. She said I was being a "baby" about it. Things stay on that level until the following week. I go to her house on July 3rd as she invited me over to make me dinner. Very nice of her I thought and was hoping maybe this was a start in the right direction. As soon as I get there I can feel the divide. She starts talking about having talked to her ex fiance and that she was threatening to start charging him storage if he didn't pick up his things. She was noticeably distraught so I asked her if that was making her more sad. She said it was, not because she missed him, but because it's always sad when things end. I agreed and apologized for asking. She then says something to the effect, and seemingly way out of left field, that she "sometimes does have the desire to be back with him." Ok game on. Are you kidding me? Why tell me this now and not be honest with me in any of the 100 conversations we've had on the topic. She starts to act very cold with me and we go on the back patio to talk. She tells me that she thinks we are too different and blada blada blada and that she is questioning whether she is in love with me. She knows she loves me, but...... I go into a bit of a rage and say some mean stuff. I ask why the fk she couldn't ever be honest with me or anyone esle and she responds with, "I never lied to you." Ugh.....ok time to go. We agree at the end of that argument that things are over. Tho she still tells me that she hasn't given up hope on us. ?!? Isn't that what this conversation was about? The next day is the 4th of July and she ignores me almost completely. She says she is at her parent's house and that they have company and that she will call me later. She tells me she loves me.....Ok. Later that night she calls and is very distant. She says she is tired and that she would like to see me, or at least talk to me more the next day. That day comes and she is too busy to see me before I go into work but that she will call me before she sleeps, She never calls but she does send a few short texts saying she will call. Ok, 1:30 am rolls around and I heard nothing more. She lives very close to my work so, like a dumb ass, I use my lunch break to make a drive by and, of course, there is an odd car in the driveway next to hers. My heart sinks. I drive back to work and proceed to to let fly the nastiest, most hateful texts I can think of. She of course doesnt respond all night. In the morning she responds, saying that she will call me in a few. That conversation was hateful and completely destructive. I said some words I wasn't even aware I knew and we hung up. We talked later that day and she spoke of how my words were too much and that she no longer had any hope of a future for us. I apologize for my words and tell her I accept her decision but to be sure that it is what she wants because this would really be it. She then tells me she doesn't want me to give up hope and that she is not giving up hope, but that she needs time and space. Ugh....Are you kidding me? I tell her that just gives me false hope and that I can't go on like that. We trade pleasantries and hang up. I send her a text asking her to please be good in this time if she expects me to be and to take the time to reflect. We always promised we wouldn't just disappear, no matter what, and she again promised. She also promised to "be good." This was 8 days ago and I have heard nothing from her since. I havent tried to contact her either but holy do I want to. I think I'm at a point where I don't want the relationship anymore as I know there is too much baggage. I do however desire a conversation where maybe she tells me the truth, tho I know that is not going to happen. I'm just kinda lost as to how to really move past this. I still love her and I miss the idea of who I thought she was. Not sure what to do. Again, I am on day 8 of no contact. Yikes, I didn't mean for this to be so long but I actually left a lot out lol. Any advice would be appreciated and please.....I know how incredibly stupid I was throughout all of this. I really need to words of encouragement....Thanks for reading. Link to comment
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