I know better....

[ConfusedOldMan]

Hello,

 

 

I've been reading through many of these stories and find there are a lot of people that are going through similar feelings of heartache and confusion and I appreciate that, even if in just that regard, I'm not alone. I'm so sorry for what you are going through and I would not wish this torment on anyone. I know this will likely result in a small novel as there is a lot of stuff to go over. I'll try to stick to pertinent points....

 

 

 

My story....

 

I had been divorced about 5 years and had dated sporadically but had taken the last 18 months to kind of center myself. I started working at a behavioral health agency in January of 2016. I worked as a case manager and as it is a fully integrated clinic, medical and behavioral, there are other individuals that work there that cover a wide array of services, like medical. I seemed to settle in ok, as well as anyone does at a new job where they don't know anyone. I was friendly with everyone but never really took the time to get to know people as they seemed to be only a small portion of my life.

The clinic nurse was fairly attractive, nothing to write home about at the time. I could sense there was an attraction but I never really gave it much thought as I wasn't in the market for a girlfriend and definitely didn't want to open the can of worms that is dating at the workplace. Also there is a pretty significant age gap, she is 30 and I am almost 42. So I shrugged it off. Several months pass and I hear that this girl is now engaged. Great. Good for her. At this point she and I don't even really talk. Few months more pass by and I can see that this girl is really ramping up her efforts to get me to notice her. I still shrug it off as I know she is in a committed relationship and dating at the job is never ever a good idea. About a week or so later I get a facebook friend request from her. No big deal. About a week after that she starts sending me messages through facebook just chatting it up. Few days later she sends me a message from San Diego, where she is on a mini-vacation with her fiance and their mutual friends, saying she had a dream about me and that she didn't know why she was telling me, only that she felt she wanted to. The dream was of course sexual in nature so of course my ego immediately inflated. I don't know if it was unresolved underlying feelings of loneliness or just the excitement of someone so seemingly unavailable suddenly making them self available to me, but I continued to engage in this conversation and many more like it in the days to come. When she came back to town she suggested we meet for coffee and just talk. I agreed and we met at a Starbucks in between where we live. It was on from there. We kissed that evening and began to make plans to see each other on a constant basis. We met in secret places, like parks. I knew I was doing wrong but somehow justified it in my head as I was getting something I wasn't even aware I needed. This girl seemed to adore me and would frequently tell me as much. We had sex often, sometimes in our office, and would meet almost every day both before and after work. I had terrible anxiety over feelings about the secrecy and deception of what we were doing and voiced this to her on several occasions. I hated the idea of secrecy and the potential devastating effect all this would have on her fiance if/when he found out. I felt like the lowest piece of sh1t for how I was behaving but still I continued because I felt wanted. A feeling I hadn't known in a very long time. Or at least hadn't allowed myself to be open to. A few weeks more pass and we start to have discussions about ending it. We talk in her car for awhile and at the end of the conversation we tell each other I love you. ?! That's not how that was supposed to go. Of course I was feeling 100x more inflated at that point because she also told me in this conversation that she is going to end her engagement and wanted to be with me. She said she had never felt that kind of connection and there was no way she could give it up. She knew she would hurt him but things had been bad for a long time, blah blah blah. I ate it up. Ok good. Now we can move forward with this in a more open fashion and see where it can really go.

 

Fast forward about 2 months......Ya, I know.......The situation is exactly the same. I put on my big boy pants and tell her I cannot and will not continue in this way and that if she wants to be with me she needs to make it right. I told her I understand how difficult it is to "pull the trigger", a phrase she used, but that it needed to be done or that we would not be able to see each other anymore. She swore she was preparing to do it and that it was going to happen soon, etc., etc....2 more months pass and no change. She still behaves towards me in every way like she is in a relationship with me, except for the part where she goes home to another man every night. We talk frequently about how our life will be and even have a discussion of her getting pregnant with my child as a potential "sign" she wasn't supposed to get married. By this point in time my brain is total pudding and I'm eating up every word she says because holy sh1t I loved this woman.

 

March 1st was my last day at the clinic as the job had become way too stressful in itself, and also continuing to deal with this incredibly confusing scenario. Being a grown ass man, I knew what should be done, I just couldn't find the strength to do it as I was head-over-heels for this woman and it showed. She had me hooked. About a week later she disappears for the better part of the day. She and I had plans to meet in the evening after work and I was trying to call her to find out if that was still the plan. She texts me and apologizes saying work has been crazy and that she will call in a few. Another hour passes and I decide to call her desk just to check in and let her know I was thinking about her and not to worry about getting right back to me. The nurse that fills in sometimes answered the phone. I asked for her and she said that she hadn't been there all afternoon and that she won't be back that day. Ok . I confront her with it and she apologizes, saying she was with her stepmom doing wedding planning stuff. My chest pounded pretty hard. I really didn't want to hear that. Come to find out later she wasn't with her step mom, instead she was out getting pre-wedding pictures taken with her fiance. I snap at this point, telling her this is the first time she has openly and so boldly lied to me and that it is indicative of just where we are. I told her that lies aren't necessary and that I will go away if she will just say the words. (Pathetic as hell, I know). No such luck. She apologizes and I eat it up and it's game on..... A few days later she meets me, like usual, at a favorite park we frequently met at. She tells me how she had a knock down, drag out (non-violent) fight with her fiance and that she was going to tell him during that argument about us and end it with him. Well fast forward to the end of that conversation and it turns out she is going to go to relationship counseling with him. Not necessarily to fix the relationship, but to see if it should be fixed at all.

I was devastated. How could this woman who proclaimed her undying love to me multiple times a day have lied to me all this time and chose this method to end things? Of course I knew that answer but I was in a haze of ". This can't be happening to me". Harsh words are exchanged and we drive away. She texts me a few times through the day but I ignore her and try to focus on other things. "I'm done with this!", I tell myself. ya right. If only it were so simple.

 

The next day I don't respond to her at all. The next day I respond to her good morning text. I shouldn't have and I know this but I guess I was hoping for some dramatic turn of events. Maybe she told him. Nothing like that. We spoke of our feelings and how we couldn't imagine not being in each others' lives and how we truly are "in love". She says it's confusing but she feels like she should see if her relationship of over 4 years can be salvaged. I agree that she should if that's what she thinks will make her happy. Of course I didn't mean this at all but I truly wanted her to be happy. At this point the wedding is about 6 weeks away. I can imagine all of the preparation that had gone into it up to that point. She tells me she doesn't want to stop seeing me while she is in counseling with him. ? I tell her that I don't think that's a good idea as I am afraid of my own feelings and not really looking forward to the crushing blow of still being "in love" with someone on the day they're walking down the aisle with another man. I couldn't imagine how I would process that and that I needed to take the remaining time to try to separate my feelings from the situation. She would have none of this. Ok, maybe I will "wean" myself. Cause that ever works. Back at it full blown and with little regard for who might see us. I even went into the clinic to visit everyone one day and ended up having sex with her in her office. In the back of my mind, I know the only thing that has changed is the fact that now I have to accept the idea of her actively engaging in fixing her relationship and planning her wedding, while somehow still responding to the idea that she says she is madly in love with me. I know at this point that I should probably just run my head into a wall a few times and hope for either amnesia or just a dose of good sense but I continue with the affair. Over the next few weeks we go back and forth with breaking up. At some point she decides she doesn't want to continue with our relationship and decides she is going to go through with the marriage. Like there was really ever any doubt. I tell her that I feel like I was used as a last fling before she started her real life and that I gave her many opportunities to let me go with some dignity but she refused as she always said she was so in love with me and just had to figure out how to end the engagement without everyone hating her. Fiance, family, friends, etc.

I was again devastated. This time the difference was that she was no longer maintaining that she was going to end the engagement. Only end it with me.

 

My brain kicked into 5th gear and I began a cycle of ruminating on the situation about all of the good and positive and sweet things we had exchanged. This girl had full possession of my heart and she claimed that I still had hers, yet she was about to marry another man. I was so confused. I know that people will say and do whatever they have to guide a situation in their favor. I guess she felt that by telling me she still loved me, that I would understand and somehow be able to walk away with a full heart. Ya, not so much. We began to argue about it a lot. I couldn't detach myself from the idea of this woman being in my life. We had discussed children and marriage and everything a couple discusses when making plans for a future. Only there would be no future. I had long since given up on the idea of any more children, I have a son, and had fully wrapped my head around the idea of starting again. Omg, I could have a family?!? The arguments turned pretty nasty but we always ended them with I love you and I miss you so much, blah blah blah.

 

About 2 weeks before the wedding I had had enough. No matter how may times I told her how this was continuing to hurt me and that I felt like I was never going to be able to walk away if she refused to, she continued to tell me how she loved me and how she was making a mistake and didn't know how to fix it. I had begun counseling of my own as I obviously had some unresolved issues that would allow me to think a relationship like this was ok, or worse......that it had potential. I of course filled my therapist in on all of the details. Her suggestion was to end things in whatever definitive way I could imagine. Something that would signify to me that it was really over and there was no hope of a better future. She said that really accepting it, on every level, was the only thing that was going to point me in the direction of finding myself again and building healthy relationships. We brainstormed on just what that grand gesture would be that held enough significance to me that it would signal, on no uncertain terms and without her seal of approval, that it was over. What could I do to close the book on this once and for all and begin my own healing. I know! I'll spill the beans to her fiance! What better way to end my own suffering than to amplify it and project it onto someone I don't even know? Great idea......I bounce it off of my therapist and she immediately doesn't like it for the potential damage it can and likely will do to the recipient. We discuss it for a little while and I explain that while I know it is a potentially very hurtful revelation, I couldn't think of any other way to get the message to her that I was done and that I was ensuring no further contact would happen beyond that point. She reluctantly agreed that if this was the only way I could get real closure, maybe telling him would help. She also added that while it wasn't necessarily my job to rescue this man, he did have a right to an informed decision about committing his life to someone who was not going to do the same. She suggested that I take a couple days to review what I thought necessary to reveal and to take care in the amount of detail I provide. Ok sure, I'll do that.

 

As soon as I got home I went to work on this email. Few times in life does a non-professional writer have the grace of articulating their thoughts in ways the general reader will comprehend. I took all of my therapists's advice about softening the blow and threw it right out the window. I gave him a chronological order of events and detailed almost every aspect of it. Including her desire to become pregnant with my child. I told him EVERYTHING. Including my own pathetic approach to it and my history of having found out my marriage was over in the same fashion. I apologized for interfering in his life and tried to make the point that my motivation was not revenge, rather that he be given necessary information before making a life altering decision. He deserved informed consent. Bullsh1t. I could have used any excuse under the sun to justify my reasoning for telling him. In this case, informed consent. The reality was that I needed to strike a blow equal in devastation to the the way I had perceived I had been wronged. I needed to strike back in a way that said "How dare you do this to me? Do you think you will just walk away unscathed after this?"

 

Now that morning she had been trying to reach out to me to resume our usual I love and bs and pretend things are ok. I didn't respond all day. After I had typed up the email to her fiance, and before having pushed send, I sent her a text message that simply said, "I'm sorry." Then I sent the email. She texts me a few more time in the next few minutes saying that she shouldn't assume I will talk to her and that she doesn't want me to be sorry because I haven't done anything wrong. I don't respond. exactly 46 minutes later I get a text from her that reads: "You ing pathetic piece of ." I text her back saying something to the effect that it amazes me, after everything that we have engaged in, that I am the piece of in all this. Somehow my having told him was the real evil here and not the message that was conveyed. She tells me she is going to get an order of restraint against me and I tell her that it's not necessary, but do what you must. I hear nothing from her for about 5 days. She texts me with some agry stuff, asking how I could do that to her and yada yada yada. I tell her that if she had listened to anything I had to say in the last 7 months that she could answer that question herself. She tells me she is now scared of me and is unsure of what I might do. Are you fking kidding me? I did what I was going to do and all my cards are on the table. I tell her that if she doesn't want to talk to me then please don't reach out to me because I will not be returning the favor.

 

5 days later I wake up to a text from her. "Hi." I don't respond and try to carry on with my day. I have the nagging desire to respond and find out what she wants but I refrain, for almost another whole 5 minutes....I respond.......boom boom boom, back into the mix. She loves me and wants me and, while she hates how it happened, she wants to be with me and can I please come over to her house, which I had never known where it was. I go over that evening and things are a little awkward at first but she walks over and kisses me and it's game on. Again. This was at the end of April.

 

The first month or so was blissful. It seemed like this was going to be the end result of all those weeks and months of emotional torture. About a month in she finds out her dad had had a heart attack. They are very very close so this seemed to put her into a kind of funk and she was noticeably withdrawn. I inquire about it, asking if there is anything I can do to help in this time and reminding her that I am here in any capacity she needed. Mind you I haven't met any of her family or friends at this point because she said it was too close to the ending of the engagement and didn't want her dad to fly off the handle at her bad choices. Imagine that. So I take up position in the background, ready to swoop in whenever she called upon me. She didn't. 2 weeks go by and she is becoming more and more withdrawn. I try to talk to her about it and she immediately gets mad and shuts down. She begins to tell me how the loss of her friends and her relationship with her fiance are affecting her. She tells me that while she doesn't believe she was still in love with him, she misses her friend and the mutual friends they shared as they all jumped ship and landed in his corner. She starts to say how confused she is and that she needs time to sort herself out. She says she is so in love with me and wants me for life but that she is really feeling the loss of her old life. Ok, I get this, Whatever you need, just please don't push me away in the process. I wont be in your face, but please dont just go poof. She promised that was not the case and that she just needed time to process her thoughts. Few more weeks go by of this progressively getting worse and I, probably way too often, continue to inquire as to where she wants me in her world. I tell her if she is doubting her feelings for me to please tell me so I can leave and not make her feel worse. I knew that I would suffer but I didn't want her to suffer anymore. She continues to tell me that is not the case, while becoming more openly hostile surrounding conversations about our future. I told her I understand we are in different places right now, but please try to remember the crazy feelings that got us here in the first place. She tells me that all this discussion about our future is pushing her away and that she just wants us to have a fluidic relationship without all the discussion around it. I tell her great. I agree. But please understand how difficult that is to do when I sense you pulling away from me. She denies it and chalks it up to stress. Couple more weeks pass and it just feels uncomfortable to be around her. She obviously has stuff going on in her head but she is way past the point of sharing with me. Now our sex life was always magical. That was the one thing that never seemed to falter during any of this. If nothing else at the time, we were still able to connect in that way and that gave me, and she claimed her also, hope.

 

Fast forward again to about 2 weeks ago. She says she has a college friend coming into the state to visit with a friend in another town and that she is going to drive up there for the day and visit. Ok cool. That sounds like fun. She asks me to come over to her house that morning after I get off work to lay with her (have sex) and see her off. I go to her house, go in and she is still sleeping. Right on =) I'll wake her up in the way she always asks me to. Wrong. She shuts me down and proceeds to go back to sleep for another 2 1/2 hours. Ok cool She's tired. I'll stick around and walk this dog she is sitting and spend a little time with her before she goes. She wakes up and tells me she had a dream I cheated on her. I tell her she knows that is nonsense because she knows how I feel. Still she doesn't want to have sex. Ok, I guess it happens. We say goodbye for the day and agree that I will meet her back at her house when she gets back. I told her i will go walk the dog she was watching and wait for her. Great idea she says. She comes home acting more distant and weird. I try to ask whats up. She immediately gets mad that I ask. I tell her her behavior towards me lately has me wondering where she is with us and that I worry something is going on. She denies it and says she's going to lay down and that I should join her. She keeps a full 2 feet distance in bed and sort of pulls away when I try to touch her. Ok, huge bells going off now. I bluntly ask about sex. She says she isn't in the mood. She has never said those words to me. I ask her if there is something going on because her behavior in that moment is making me wonder where she was all day. She denied anything and said that my reaction was disproportionate to the situation and that she was just tired and frustrated because we were having the same discussion. She said I was being a "baby" about it. Things stay on that level until the following week. I go to her house on July 3rd as she invited me over to make me dinner. Very nice of her I thought and was hoping maybe this was a start in the right direction. As soon as I get there I can feel the divide. She starts talking about having talked to her ex fiance and that she was threatening to start charging him storage if he didn't pick up his things. She was noticeably distraught so I asked her if that was making her more sad. She said it was, not because she missed him, but because it's always sad when things end. I agreed and apologized for asking. She then says something to the effect, and seemingly way out of left field, that she "sometimes does have the desire to be back with him." Ok game on. Are you kidding me? Why tell me this now and not be honest with me in any of the 100 conversations we've had on the topic. She starts to act very cold with me and we go on the back patio to talk. She tells me that she thinks we are too different and blada blada blada and that she is questioning whether she is in love with me. She knows she loves me, but...... I go into a bit of a rage and say some mean stuff. I ask why the fk she couldn't ever be honest with me or anyone esle and she responds with, "I never lied to you." Ugh.....ok time to go. We agree at the end of that argument that things are over. Tho she still tells me that she hasn't given up hope on us. ?!? Isn't that what this conversation was about?

 

The next day is the 4th of July and she ignores me almost completely. She says she is at her parent's house and that they have company and that she will call me later. She tells me she loves me.....Ok.

Later that night she calls and is very distant. She says she is tired and that she would like to see me, or at least talk to me more the next day. That day comes and she is too busy to see me before I go into work but that she will call me before she sleeps, She never calls but she does send a few short texts saying she will call. Ok, 1:30 am rolls around and I heard nothing more. She lives very close to my work so, like a dumb ass, I use my lunch break to make a drive by and, of course, there is an odd car in the driveway next to hers. My heart sinks. I drive back to work and proceed to to let fly the nastiest, most hateful texts I can think of. She of course doesnt respond all night. In the morning she responds, saying that she will call me in a few. That conversation was hateful and completely destructive. I said some words I wasn't even aware I knew and we hung up. We talked later that day and she spoke of how my words were too much and that she no longer had any hope of a future for us. I apologize for my words and tell her I accept her decision but to be sure that it is what she wants because this would really be it. She then tells me she doesn't want me to give up hope and that she is not giving up hope, but that she needs time and space. Ugh....Are you kidding me? I tell her that just gives me false hope and that I can't go on like that. We trade pleasantries and hang up. I send her a text asking her to please be good in this time if she expects me to be and to take the time to reflect. We always promised we wouldn't just disappear, no matter what, and she again promised. She also promised to "be good." This was 8 days ago and I have heard nothing from her since. I havent tried to contact her either but holy do I want to. I think I'm at a point where I don't want the relationship anymore as I know there is too much baggage. I do however desire a conversation where maybe she tells me the truth, tho I know that is not going to happen. I'm just kinda lost as to how to really move past this. I still love her and I miss the idea of who I thought she was. Not sure what to do. Again, I am on day 8 of no contact.

 

Yikes, I didn't mean for this to be so long but I actually left a lot out lol. Any advice would be appreciated and please.....I know how incredibly stupid I was throughout all of this. I really need to words of encouragement....Thanks for reading.

[boltnrun]

I couldn't read the whole thing (way too much), but the one thing I need to ask is...you know for a fact this woman is a liar and a cheater, and yet you're surprised she was dishonest with you???

[DancingFool]

As for what to do - it's really rather simple. Stay no contact with her forever. In fact, block and delete all her contact information. Make sure that she cannot reach you again.

 

Other than that, be brutally honest with yourself and examine why you got involved the way you did. I mean you were helping this woman cheat which actually makes you a cheater yourself. Yes, you know you should have know better, but what you need to work out is why you abandoned your values. Btw, "oh I was just so in love" is not the truthful answer. So please dig deeper so that you don't repeat history so to speak. Basically, you need to have the proverbial come to Jesus conversation with yourself.

[ConfusedOldMan]

I couldn't read the whole thing (way too much), but the one thing I need to ask is...you know for a fact this woman is a liar and a cheater, and yet you're surprised she was dishonest with you???

 

 

 

I guess I'm not so much surprised at her for lying as I am with myself for playing along the whole time like my gut wasn't telling me what was going on. I tend to give the benefit of the doubt where it is not at all due. I had hope I guess =(

[boltnrun]

I guess I'm not so much surprised at her for lying as I am with myself for playing along the whole time like my gut wasn't telling me what was going on. I tend to give the benefit of the doubt where it is not at all due. I had hope I guess =(

 

Hope for what? That a woman who had demonstrated the entire time you were having the illicit relationship with her that she was a selfish lying cheater would suddenly become a woman of moral character? That she would stop her lying, cheating ways and be faithful to you?

 

You do realize that if you'd somehow managed to wrest her away for your own, she would have done you the same way she did her ex.

 

What was it you wanted so badly that you were willing to completely ignore the facts about this woman?

[ConfusedOldMan]

As for what to do - it's really rather simple. Stay no contact with her forever. In fact, block and delete all her contact information. Make sure that she cannot reach you again.

 

Other than that, be brutally honest with yourself and examine why you got involved the way you did. I mean you were helping this woman cheat which actually makes you a cheater yourself. Yes, you know you should have know better, but what you need to work out is why you abandoned your values. Btw, "oh I was just so in love" is not the truthful answer. So please dig deeper so that you don't repeat history so to speak. Basically, you need to have the proverbial come to Jesus conversation with yourself.

 

 

I want to stay no contact but today is the most difficult day yet. I know that I will hear nothing of what I want to hear and it will just reset me to day 1, but man. I'm feeling like I need some inkling that she is human and is feeling something about it. Confirmation that she is not would just turn the knife. I know that.

 

As far as self-reflection, I hate myself now for playing the role that I did in someone else's, probably much more significant as there are years of memories involved as opposed to my 9 months, pain. I just don't know how to move past the almost obsessive thoughts. How do people just discard others in that fashion? I know I deserve it because of the part I played in it all but would really like to understand the mind of a sociopath.

[ConfusedOldMan]

Hope for what? That a woman who had demonstrated the entire time you were having the illicit relationship with her that she was a selfish lying cheater would suddenly become a woman of moral character? That she would stop her lying, cheating ways and be faithful to you?

 

You do realize that if you'd somehow managed to wrest her away for your own, she would have done you the same way she did her ex.

 

What was it you wanted so badly that you were willing to completely ignore the facts about this woman?

 

I don't know.

[boltnrun]

I don't know.

 

Well, that is key.

 

Otherwise the next time she crooks her little finger at you, you might go running back.

 

I would say the first thing to work on is why you don't feel you deserve to be treated better than this.

[ConfusedOldMan]

Well, that is key.

 

Otherwise the next time she crooks her little finger at you, you might go running back.

 

I would say the first thing to work on is why you don't feel you deserve to be treated better than this.

 

 

 

Right? That's kind of a pattern I fell into with my ex-wife at the end. I was so determined to keep things together for the kids's sake that I was willing to take whatever emotional beating she decided to throw at me. I felt like I was in survival mode in that and it seemed to work for a short time. That of course eventually collapsed. It was almost like rolling right back into that situation. I knew it was a trap, lol, but I still dove in head first. Like I had forgotten all of the lessons I learned at the end of my marriage. I really don't know why I allowed it to begin or to continue to this point. I always felt like I carried a certain amount of self-respect but this obviously proves otherwise...

[DancingFool]

Right? That's kind of a pattern I fell into with my ex-wife at the end. I was so determined to keep things together for the kids's sake that I was willing to take whatever emotional beating she decided to throw at me. I felt like I was in survival mode in that and it seemed to work for a short time. That of course eventually collapsed. It was almost like rolling right back into that situation. I knew it was a trap, lol, but I still dove in head first. Like I had forgotten all of the lessons I learned at the end of my marriage. I really don't know why I allowed it to begin or to continue to this point. I always felt like I carried a certain amount of self-respect but this obviously proves otherwise...

 

Don't beat yourself up too much because what you did is really quite common - you dove into what is familiar and therefore it felt right even though you know deep down that it's wrong. A wrong kind of familiar will still feel right if you were in that wrong long enough, which sounds like you were. So there you have it. What you have is really a situation where you haven't quite healed from the damage of your previous relationship and this new one came along feeling....familiar.....wrong, bad for you, but oh so familiar......and therefore comfortable feeling.....

 

That's why I said in my previous post that you have some digging to do withing yourself. Not in the beating yourself up variety but in the healing, facing up to past issues and figuring out how to clear them out of your system kind of way. Constructive digging not self critical, guilt ridden destructive kind.

[ConfusedOldMan]

Don't beat yourself up too much because what you did is really quite common - you dove into what is familiar and therefore it felt right even though you know deep down that it's wrong. A wrong kind of familiar will still feel right if you were in that wrong long enough, which sounds like you were. So there you have it. What you have is really a situation where you haven't quite healed from the damage of your previous relationship and this new one came along feeling....familiar.....wrong, bad for you, but oh so familiar......and therefore comfortable feeling.....

 

That's why I said in my previous post that you have some digging to do withing yourself. Not in the beating yourself up variety but in the healing, facing up to past issues and figuring out how to clear them out of your system kind of way. Constructive digging not self critical, guilt ridden destructive kind.

 

 

 

Oh I completely agree. I know that I left all those unresolved issues rolled up in a ball somewhere in my head and would eventually have to address them. I was hoping it wouldn't be yet another crisis to make me see that but here I am. I was doing pretty good the last couple of days but the idea that she isn't even thinking about me bothers the sh1t out of me. I know it's not a rational thought, as there isn't much rationale in the body of this story, but there it sits. I don't want to take the usual "best way to get over someone is to get under someone else" approach. I tried that on day 3, it made me feel worse, lol. I remember reading and posting in forums at the end of my marriage and how that helped to dissect my thoughts at the time. I'm just hurting right now and nothing that makes sense seems to help at this point. I know I gotta give it time but time is often too slow =(

[SherrySher]

She never loved you. I don't think this woman knows how to love or understands the actual definition. Love has loyalty attached to it, this woman will never know what the word loyalty means.

 

I suspect she has a new lover or has gone back to the ex. This is who she is, this is who she always was. One man will never be enough for her and she will become bored and complacent with one man.

 

She won't change and you cannot make this work, ever.

 

You need to upgrade your moral compass as well...quick smart. You do not damage another human being, you do not go along with a wicked person who is damaging another human being.

Cheating on someone is the worst thing a person can do and on this site alone, there has been many people who wanted out of life altogether because of how soul draining and upsetting it was for them.

They didn't just cry, they wanted out of life!! Cheating is huge and is extremely toxic and massively damaging. If you even hear of someone wanting to do this, get your head in check and ask yourself what kind of person they are and how can they allow themselves to be that way?!! But do not follow along and allow them to do this and you join in and help in causing such destruction.

 

A person who will cheat is incredibly selfish and has something wrong with them. It's not normal to want to harm another person. And you can use all the phoney excuses, that trust me, everybody does... that they are soooo in love and they can't help themselves nor can you and blah blah. But it's all bs. They will cheat on you every single bit as they cheated with you. Trust me, you can bank on it 100%

 

You also need to get an actual backbone at this point and stop bending and giving the benefit of the doubt and allowing crap to continue on when you know better. NO, it's not funny or cute or okay. You are a grown ass man, as soon as you know it's wrong or even think it's wrong, stop yourself and get some self control!! This is what is all comes down to in my opinion, your lack of self control and having a very shaky moral compass.

 

Only you can fix that inside of yourself now. And it will be for your own sake, not for hers or your other ex's or for someone down the line. Become a better man for yourself and yourself alone.

At the end of the day, you are the one who has to look in the mirror and live with who you are and what you've allowed.

And you did allow this nightmare of a woman to do as she pleases and you justified her crap behaviour and excuses for not being a decent human being.

 

She does not understand what love is and never will. You need to let that sink in and walk away and never look back, not one text, not one phone call, not one quick meet up.

As I said, self control, moral compass.

Fix inside of you what is not right and steer your life towards a better path, a healthier path that will bring you actual happiness and actual love and not this phoney Jerry Springer crap.

i hope you finally do what's right this time.

[ConfusedOldMan]

She never loved you. I don't think this woman knows how to love or understands the actual definition. Love has loyalty attached to it, this woman will never know what the word loyalty means.

 

I suspect she has a new lover or has gone back to the ex. This is who she is, this is who she always was. One man will never be enough for her and she will become bored and complacent with one man.

 

She won't change and you cannot make this work, ever.

 

You need to upgrade your moral compass as well...quick smart. You do not damage another human being, you do not go along with a wicked person who is damaging another human being.

Cheating on someone is the worst thing a person can do and on this site alone, there has been many people who wanted out of life altogether because of how soul draining and upsetting it was for them.

They didn't just cry, they wanted out of life!! Cheating is huge and is extremely toxic and massively damaging. If you even hear of someone wanting to do this, get your head in check and ask yourself what kind of person they are and how can they allow themselves to be that way?!! But do not follow along and allow them to do this and you join in and help in causing such destruction.

 

A person who will cheat is incredibly selfish and has something wrong with them. It's not normal to want to harm another person. And you can use all the phoney excuses, that trust me, everybody does... that they are soooo in love and they can't help themselves nor can you and blah blah. But it's all bs. They will cheat on you every single bit as they cheated with you. Trust me, you can bank on it 100%

 

You also need to get an actual backbone at this point and stop bending and giving the benefit of the doubt and allowing crap to continue on when you know better. NO, it's not funny or cute or okay. You are a grown ass man, as soon as you know it's wrong or even think it's wrong, stop yourself and get some self control!! This is what is all comes down to in my opinion, your lack of self control and having a very shaky moral compass.

 

Only you can fix that inside of yourself now. And it will be for your own sake, not for hers or your other ex's or for someone down the line. Become a better man for yourself and yourself alone.

At the end of the day, you are the one who has to look in the mirror and live with who you are and what you've allowed.

And you did allow this nightmare of a woman to do as she pleases and you justified her crap behaviour and excuses for not being a decent human being.

 

She does not understand what love is and never will. You need to let that sink in and walk away and never look back, not one text, not one phone call, not one quick meet up.

As I said, self control, moral compass.

Fix inside of you what is not right and steer your life towards a better path, a healthier path that will bring you actual happiness and actual love and not this phoney Jerry Springer crap.

i hope you finally do what's right this time.

 

 

Wow. Thank you for this. Everyone I talk to about it is either a friend or family member and their approach is much less to the point lol. I think I'm just feeling more lonely and pathetic today than I was yesterday. I absolutely agree with you about my culpability in all this. I'm not trying to shirk my responsibility for where I am. Karma, or whatever, got me pretty good and will continue until the debt is paid. It's just helpful to hear others' perspective, even when it's sharp lol.

[SherrySher]

Karma, or whatever,

 

Definitely not karma, it was inevitable that you'd be cheated on..it's who she is. Until you're honest with yourself on how so NOT great she is, only then will you truly see the light and start healing.

[JustinPonders]

Man-O-man, that was a doozy. But look, the bottom line is your ex is a liar and a cheater. Like the previous poster said, even if she did end up being exclusive with you at the first few sight of trouble she's going to do the same damn thing to you that she did to her fiance. She's not a woman of integrity. To be honest, she's a low-life loser for doing that to her fiance. If she was so damn unhappy in her previous relationship she should've had the self-respect and respect for her fiance to breakup first. She reminds me of my ex; selfish, egotistical, narcissist and a hypocrite.

 

Now this leads to you. Look, I get it. You fell for her hard. Totally understandable, but man, you friggin' really laid it thick on her man. You smothered her to death. She was being cold with you because while she was still attracted to you, she quickly was losing that attraction by the way you were all up on her grill. That's a huge turn off to women man. Take it from me, I did the same to my ex. Biggest mistake ever. And if you think you reaching out to her now is going to make things better you have another thing coming. let's put it this way if you call her and harass her I can guarantee you you'll never hear from her again. Just let this trouble maker go man. She's too much trouble for you. Please believe me. I know you are in love with her but to be honest you're moreso are in lust for her then in love. This relationship is way to unhealthy and very, very troublesome. Do NOT reach out to her under any circumstances. You will sorely regret it. Ignore her, even though I know you won't. Please learn from my mistake and save yourself the heartache. Consider yourself a lucky guy. Move on and find someone stable for Pete sake!

[ConfusedOldMan]

Man-O-man, that was a doozy. But look, the bottom line is your ex is a liar and a cheater. Like the previous poster said, even if she did end up being exclusive with you at the first few sight of trouble she's going to do the same damn thing to you that she did to her fiance. She's not a woman of integrity. To be honest, she's a low-life loser for doing that to her fiance. If she was so damn unhappy in her previous relationship she should've had the self-respect and respect for her fiance to breakup first. She reminds me of my ex; selfish, egotistical, narcissist and a hypocrite.

 

Now this leads to you. Look, I get it. You fell for her hard. Totally understandable, but man, you friggin' really laid it thick on her man. You smothered her to death. She was being cold with you because while she was still attracted to you, she quickly was losing that attraction by the way you were all up on her grill. That's a huge turn off to women man. Take it from me, I did the same to my ex. Biggest mistake ever. And if you think you reaching out to her now is going to make things better you have another thing coming. let's put it this way if you call her and harass her I can guarantee you you'll never hear from her again. Just let this trouble maker go man. She's too much trouble for you. Please believe me. I know you are in love with her but to be honest you're moreso are in lust for her then in love. This relationship is way to unhealthy and very, very troublesome. Do NOT reach out to her under any circumstances. You will sorely regret it. Ignore her, even though I know you won't. Please learn from my mistake and save yourself the heartache. Consider yourself a lucky guy. Move on and find someone stable for Pete sake!

 

I appreciate the insight. I have no desire, nor any plan to be with her again. The conversation needed to happen. Had she been able to have it once, it wouldn't have been necessary to smother her with it. I guess I knew what was happening but gdi, I wanted her to say it lol. Oh well, in a perfect world we would all get closure and things would make sense. You guys are right that I need to take this time to reflect on myself and figure out what is going on that I allowed myself to participate in this and then proceed to feel sad and betrayed when it plays out exactly like it was always going to. Just irrational sadness right now I guess. Mourning the loss of something that never really existed is kind of a tough pill to swallow.

[jennylove]

Omg thank God you didn't get her pregnant!! I mean it, get on your knees and thank the good lord!! This is very Jerry Springer-ish. Come on, would you want your son going through any of this!??? How would you respond to him if he told you this was his story???

 

She's the devil on disguise. You really need this souless person out of your life. Your life is not meant to be this way. Don't sink (again) to her level. Get your ballsack back and tell her to leave YOU alone or you will be contacting the authorities.

[ConfusedOldMan]

Omg thank God you didn't get her pregnant!! I mean it, get on your knees and thank the good lord!! This is very Jerry Springer-ish. Come on, would you want your son going through any of this!??? How would you respond to him if he told you this was his story???

 

She's the devil on disguise. You really need this souless person out of your life. Your life is not meant to be this way. Don't sink (again) to her level. Get your ballsack back and tell her to leave YOU alone or you will be contacting the authorities.

 

 

I haven't spoken to her in 9 days and have no plan to and decreasing desire. I would kick my son's a$$ of course, lol. Speaking of my son, how the hell would I have explained any of this to him? I am so thankful she didn't get pregnant.

[jennylove]

I haven't spoken to her in 9 days and have no plan to and decreasing desire. I would kick my son's a$$ of course, lol. Speaking of my son, how the hell would I have explained any of this to him? I am so thankful she didn't get pregnant.

 

9 days is great. But please, right now, block her. If you don't block her, you're still going to look at your phone often wondering if the text alert is her. And one day, it will be. Block and block from Social Media so that YOU aren't tempted to creep. Even creeping on her pics prevents healing.

 

How would you explain things to your son? I can tell you that your Rship with him would be greatly affected. Life can change in a heartbeat for anyone. Your future is affected by even the smallest decisions. I'm glad you decided to move on with life without her in it. You made the right choice.

 

Now go find yourself a nice woman. You are at the age where many women are now divorced, kids are nearly grown, and they are looking for a man who they can truly grow old with. Or, many women at that age are now ready to marry for the 1st time now that they are settled in their career. Imagine meeting one of these classy women, and introducing her to your son and eventually the 2 of them sharing their own bond. Or when grandkids start coming, you'll want a nice classy lady in their life, too. Not going to happen with bimbo.

[ConfusedOldMan]

9 days is great. But please, right now, block her. If you don't block her, you're still going to look at your phone often wondering if the text alert is her. And one day, it will be. Block and block from Social Media so that YOU aren't tempted to creep. Even creeping on her pics prevents healing.

 

How would you explain things to your son? I can tell you that your Rship with him would be greatly affected. Life can change in a heartbeat for anyone. Your future is affected by even the smallest decisions. I'm glad you decided to move on with life without her in it. You made the right choice.

 

Now go find yourself a nice woman. You are at the age where many women are now divorced, kids are nearly grown, and they are looking for a man who they can truly grow old with. Or, many women at that age are now ready to marry for the 1st time now that they are settled in their career. Imagine meeting one of these classy women, and introducing her to your son and eventually the 2 of them sharing their own bond. Or when grandkids start coming, you'll want a nice classy lady in their life, too. Not going to happen with bimbo.

 

I blocked her in every fashion I can think of 7 days ago. She has no means to reach out unless she calls from an odd number, which I usually let go to voicemail.

 

I know lots of women. Many of which have expressed interest in me in the past. It was never about an inability to find a good woman. I guess I haven't really experienced one yet to have a basis of comparison, lol. It will happen. For all of us. I think I'm just angry now more than anything. She sees me as that guy she can sh1t on and flutter off to her next round of hide-the-weenie. Good thing about that tho is that I can keep my anger in check way better than I can my squishy side.

[jennylove]

I blocked her in every fashion I can think of 7 days ago. She has no means to reach out unless she calls from an odd number, which I usually let go to voicemail.

 

I know lots of women. Many of which have expressed interest in me in the past. It was never about an inability to find a good woman. I guess I haven't really experienced one yet to have a basis of comparison, lol. It will happen. For all of us. I think I'm just angry now more than anything. She sees me as that guy she can sh1t on and flutter off to her next round of hide-the-weenie. Good thing about that tho is that I can keep my anger in check way better than I can my squishy side.

 

 

Good good good!! I think the sex is what kept you wanting more of her, but I don't know. It's really a messed up story and I'm glad you e closed that chapter.

[hooter]

What I call a "BBD". Bigger, better, deal. i.e. when someone finds someone else they suddenly have interest in. It's a noun (She found a BBD) or a verb (I got BBD'd.)

 

She BBD'd her fiancee for you.

 

Then she BBD'd you for whoever the new guy is. Hence her distance the last couple weeks, culminating with the car in the driveway.

 

You're addicted to the companionship and the sex. Now, move on and be done with this unfaithful, lying head case.

[ConfusedOldMan]

What I call a "BBD". Bigger, better, deal. i.e. when someone finds someone else they suddenly have interest in. It's a noun (She found a BBD) or a verb (I got BBD'd.)

 

She BBD'd her fiancee for you.

 

Then she BBD'd you for whoever the new guy is. Hence her distance the last couple weeks, culminating with the car in the driveway.

 

You're addicted to the companionship and the sex. Now, move on and be done with this unfaithful, lying head case.

 

 

 

Seeing her as I do, several days removed, has given me a bit more perspective on it as well as an increasing gratitude that I didn't introduce her to my son. Reading peoples' unbiased responses on here has helped immensely! I just want her out of my head, or at least the idea of who I deluded myself that she was.

[SherrySher]

You have a son??!! Okay, every time you miss this person,.. picture your son and that a woman treated him this way. His poor heart is being genuine and good to this woman and she is cheating, lying, sleeping with two different men in the same time period and making your poor son feel like a loser and no good. Think of you trying to convince him to get away from this devil woman and to please find a decent, much cleaner woman who only wants him. (And yes, she was not clean. You don't put all those penii's in your va jay jay in such a short time..it's very gross).

 

Once you do that, make sure you see far more clearer on what you ever saw in her or what you will teach your son if you keep running back. You want to teach your son to be a strong man who chooses a good woman. You want him to see you taking care of yourself and making good decisions. It is vital, it will teach him how to be once he is in the dating world, and I doubt very much you want him to end up with a woman like this who will make him totally broken.

[ConfusedOldMan]

You have a son??!! Okay, every time you miss this person,.. picture your son and that a woman treated him this way. His poor heart is being genuine and good to this woman and she is cheating, lying, sleeping with two different men in the same time period and making your poor son feel like a loser and no good. Think of you trying to convince him to get away from this devil woman and to please find a decent, much cleaner woman who only wants him. (And yes, she was not clean. You don't put all those penii's in your va jay jay in such a short time..it's very gross).

 

Once you do that, make sure you see far more clearer on what you ever saw in her or what you will teach your son if you keep running back. You want to teach your son to be a strong man who chooses a good woman. You want him to see you taking care of yourself and making good decisions. It is vital, it will teach him how to be once he is in the dating world, and I doubt very much you want him to end up with a woman like this who will make him totally broken.

 

Today was a much better day. Didn't even think about her all that much and when I did it was about some instance of her bs.

I have never taken the do as I say not as I do approach with my son. I try to teach him through example and stuff like this is huge when trying to instill a set of values in him. I dropped the ball big time and I'm feeling pretty stupid about it.