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He swears up and down he's not cheating


ADY7

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My boyfriend of 6 years has been acting kind of strange lately. To start off, about 9 months ago I caught him conversating with an old girlfriend (if that's what you call it) from high school. I had a feeling this was going on because he was acting kind of weird and just not being his normal self. He changed his password on his phone, and wouldn't let me see his phone or anything. He wouldn't even leave it in the same room as me. I asked him if he was talking to anyone else, he said not at all but I knew something was up. I then one day saw he had a snapchat from her and opened it and that's when it all came out. He said it was just friendly and nothing romantic, just someone to talk to because we were kind of going through it. We have had a pretty great relationship until this happened. The girl later said they were talking romantically, but I never got any proof so I could only go off what my boyfriend told me of it being just friendly. Even though I never got proof of this being a romantic thing, it still crushed me and made me kind of question some things. Also, she's kind of weird anyways, she was engaged just two days after this incident? So I'm not sure what to think of with that.

Anyways, fast forward the last couple of weeks. I realized I never really got any closure from the situation and had just bottled up my feelings about it and I finally exploded. I out of nowhere accused him of cheating and picked fights over everything. He wasn't hiding anything and I knew his passwords but still accused him of cheating because I had just exploded and didn't think about what I was saying and I know this hurt him beyond belief. So about two days later, he has now, once again changed his password on his phone and won't even be on it around me so of course I explode again and accuse him of cheating (I feel awful, I really do. But the outcomes of this behavior last time was a negative outcome so I have no other expectation). He swears up and down that he isn't cheating, isn't talking to any other girl at all and that he is just trying to build trust again.

When I bring up the weird behavior and point out last time and ask how this is supposed to build trust, he says that he wants to work on building my trust IN HIM again. He doesn't want me to trust him based off of me being able to see that he is faithful in his phone, but rather trusting him for his word. He says he won't give me the password to his phone until he sees that I trust him for his word. He also says that basically starting over trust wise is what we are doing, basically back to step one. He says "you didn't have my passwords in the beginning of our relationship and you learned to trust me for me, so this is why we are doing it this way. This way will help make me feel better, not just making you feel better like we always do. I want us to feel better together so trying it this way is what I want to do. We try your way all the time and it doesn't help me feel like you trust me for me, but instead only trust me because you go through my phone which isn't fair".

I see his point in this, but I'm just so scared with his behavior because of last time. I don't know what to think and just want an outside sources opinion of this behavior? Could he actually be serious when he says he's not talking to anyone else and actually wants to try and build trust this way? I feel like I might be overreacting and that he is actually telling the truth but I just don't know..

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Sounds like you could use some couples counseling for tips on skills you need to rebuild a loving relationship. Once you have a discussion about boundaries and relationship rules, you have to move on and see if things improve. You can't keep digging up the past and throwing it in your partner's face. Work on building a stronger emotional connection. Read some articles for ideas. Secrets have a way of coming out without you having to snoop. Take it one day at a time and you will eventually get your answer on whether to stay or go.

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You can't stay in a relationship where you don't trust the other person. If the only way you can trust him is to violate his privacy then their isn't really any trust. It sounds like you don't trust your boyfriend for fairly good reasons. So you have a choice. You can work on your fears and build up your trust or you can leave him. It sounds like he is fed up with your treatment of him. I don't know what your history with trusting him was before the ex episode.

 

this way will help make me feel better, not just making you feel better like we always do. I want us to feel better together so trying it this way is what I want to do. We try your way all the time and it doesn't help me feel like you trust me for me, but instead only trust me because you go through my phone which isn't fair

 

This bit sounds like a man who is deeply frustrated with how things have been going. Do you want to stay in this relationship?

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I then one day saw he had a snapchat from her and opened it and that's when it all came out. He said it was just friendly and nothing romantic, just someone to talk to because we were kind of going through it. We have had a pretty great relationship until this happened. The girl later said they were talking romantically, but I never got any proof so I could only go off what my boyfriend told me of it being just friendly. Even though I never got proof of this being a romantic thing, it still crushed me and made me kind of question some things.

 

I can see how you feel, given that you've already had an issue with him not being honest with you. I don't care what he says, there is no reason for him to be snapchatting with some random girl and not being honest and open with you about it. "Just being friendly" my eye.

 

Can I ask how old you are? And if you've been together for 6 years, is there a reason you haven't both made a more permanent move to be together? Do you live together? Or have plans to?

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Our trust before that was perfectly fine and it was pretty much fine soon after, or so I thought. Until I had that freak out.. I don't know where it came from honestly. And yes I do want to stay with him. We both want to stay together. We are both at a very low point and want to build each other back up.

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I am 22 so we have been together since we were 16. I'm still in college so I have a room at my parents house still, but I basically live with him. We are planning to have our own place together in January. We have had the marriage talk as well and both want to get married in the next couple years. He has already proposed, so I guess I should say fiancé, but I still call him my boyfriend.

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I don't blame you for your freak out. He was being sneaky and was doing things he really shouldn't have been doing. Was he having sex or anything like that? Doubtfully, but he was trying to get close to another woman and that alone would upset any partner.

Your feelings are normal and so is your freak out as far as I am concerned.

 

But if you do want to stay together, you as a couple have to really really talk things through and put everything on the table on what is expected in order to trust again and to build trust.

On the one hand your boyfriend does have a point that you should trust based on his word, but on the other, he broke that trust and it is his job at the moment to rebuild it.

If you need to be reassured for now then he should be open to making you feel safe, after all, he was the one who crossed boundaries with another woman and did things he knew he shouldn't be doing.

 

Yes, eventually once you have healed more and built back up that trust, you can start trusting on his word alone, but it will take more time.

You need to figure out as a couple how much you are willing to work together to make this right. There has to be give and take on both sides and working together.

You can even consider couples therapy if you feel you need a bit more help with it all.

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No it wasn't anything sexual is what they both said. She just said it was romantic and he was saying it wasn't. But like I said, she is kind of weird (my example of her being engaged two days after the incident). I still think him going to another woman to talk about our issues is wrong and it deeply hurt me. One thing is, he is a very bad liar. He can't keep a secret to save his life, hence why I found out so easily last time. I talked to his mom, the one person that knows him better than anyone else, and she said she genuinely thinks he is doing this to make it so I can trust him for his word. She also told me his dad asked him what was up and he told him the same thing he's telling me. He wouldn't lie to his dad if he was talking to someone else, because he is a bad liar like I mentioned and also can't keep secrets like I said as well. For example he lied about going to a strip club when we were younger because he was scared I was going to get mad (which was no big deal to me, I thought it was kind of funny actually) and the only person that knew was his dad.

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Op, the problem can be from how the term "cheating" is defined. Men see it mostly as only being an issue if it's "physical". But women see it as a problem no matter whether it is mental (anything that falls outside of friendship talk), or physical.

 

It is difficult to regain trust. He is going to have to empower you to determine what to do with this friend. It could be NC, or limited to an occasional lunch. But, you will have control over any interaction between them. That is the price to pay when there are "trust issues".

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