what to do

[judy]

I have a daughter 16 and seems to have attracted a 28 year old male. They are not dating, never kissed but I feel it's probably a matter of time.

 

She has known him for about 15 months and early last week I notice he was playfully touching (not sexual).

They play the same sport and train to gether. When they go to team outings they sit together (dinner, car etc).

 

He is always teasing her,telling jokes etc. He got upset when she was hurt during a match and instead of concentrating on his own match (still to come) was looking after her.

 

One of his friends recently told me he is very aware of her age. Last week he was asking me when she will be finishing school and getting her drivers licence. His friends are very nice to her. He even offered to lend her his prize possession (his national championship trophy).

 

Since we have known him I don't think he has had a girlfriend. He rarely drinks or goes out apart from his sport commitments. When I first met him I thought he was about 19 or 20.

 

At training he seems to gravitate to where she is. He seems nice and they get on very well always laughing etc.

When I saw him touching her on a couple of occasions last week I started to get concerned. She'll be 17 in a couple of months.

 

Do I do nothing, or try to keep them apart. They are good friends or is something else happening.

 

I am always at training with her. Do you think he is waiting for her to get older. I know when he thought he'd hurt her at training he was visibly upset with himself even though she wasn't hurt. He is a National Sports Champion and has girls approach him all the time but he doesn't seem interested in them and will come and sit near us.

[avman]

Well I would try and have a talk with your daughter and see where the relationship was headed. And by talk I don't mean to tell her the way you want it to be. Just let her do most of the talking. Don't preach, don't criticize or she'll just clam up and you won't learn anything. The main point of this is to let her know she can come to you at any point.

 

Trying to forbid it or discourage it will probably just make her want to explore it even further. It does sound like this guy is interested in her and is flirting. But where the relationship goes from here is anyone's guess. I'm not saying you have to actively encourage it. But you want to find out whether this guy is a decent guy, or whether he is taking advantage of her.

 

You might try and get to know this guy a little better too. Then you can maybe bring up the subject of his intentions with your daughter. How he answers you will either alleviate your concerns, or give you the definite answer you need to take further action.

 

I'm trying to guide you into keeping things in the open. If these two start trying to hide a relationship from everyone - well THATS when the problems can really start.

[sisterlynch]

I think that it is wrong for him to spend more time on her than the other kids that he is coaching. You need to teach her boundaries and how to take herself politely from a situation without over reacting to the stimulous. She needs to learn that there will always be nice guys like that around her, and that he maybe spends too much time with her for your own comfort level. You are afraid that she will have her heart broken by him in the long run.

 

 

She probably smiles really big when she sees him, right? First step is to smile in a more indirect way when she sees him.

 

I think it is emotionally unhealthy for her to not see guys her own age as her equals. This guy is her coach, not a boy that she should spend extra time with. Try and determine what he is getting from the relationship with her...

[judy]

No he is not her coach. He is a member of the same training squad.

My daughter is a member of several State training squads. Having made State teams in different sports.

 

I am with her all the time at trainings as she usually has to go to another sport when she finishes that training. Apart from playful touching I wasn't concerned as I thought they were really good friends.

 

People tend to think she's about 19 or 20 as she is very mature for her age many are amazed how old she is. I know the guy fairly well having been to sporting events, dinners etc with him. He always comes over to say hello and have a chat to me nearly every day before training etc. He seems to be of good character.

 

I have had several people (including teachers) say that she has a very outgoing personality and people old and young seem attracted to her. He also has a lot of people coming up to talk to him.

 

There is nothing going on at this stage. As he is never alone with her.

[sisterlynch]

I am a teacher and I sometimes see girls as early as 5th grade that look like little adults. You are right in thinking that she is mature and gets this attention a lot. Maybe ask her what she thinks of that sort of attention, maybe she gets it so often that she is used to it. There is not a right or wrong answer, it is just how do you and she wish to handle it.